All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: Infertility


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Next Time

I went to see my OB today for my annual exam.  I love my OB.  So does B.  I honestly was so excited to see him and his nurse – it’s been a year since we last saw them at my 6-week post delivery check.

I should back up.  I didn’t always love my OB.  I had a not-so-great OB when I got pregnant so I wasn’t sad when they couldn’t get me in to see her until I was 4 months along – the nurses told me I had to pick someone else.  I wasn’t sure what to do or who to pick when the nurse on the phone said, “wait, you’re an IF patient?  Then you need to see Dr. H because he will give you the experience you’re looking for and what you’re used to from your RE (meaning hand-holding and compassion).”  OK – Dr. H it was!

He did not disappoint.

During our first visit with him, I asked if we could see just him because I don’t believe in rotating through the practice (two reasons, see below*).  He said that I was reasonable in thinking that way and that we could just see him.  I also told him that I had just watched, “The Business of Being Born,” and that I was rather concerned about a few things.  His response?  “Everything they said in that movie is true.”  I was instantly in love with him!  So we did the ultrasound, we chatted for a long time about our fertility treatments, our background, our families, etc.  He was no normal doctor, and his nurse was no normal nurse.  They were wonderful.  They felt like old friends to us!  On our way out, we booked every future OB appointment with him for the next 4 months (with the exception of one appointment because he was on vacation – so I booked with my old OB in the practice**).

This man is the most relaxed doctor I have ever met (maybe because he’s a DO and not an MD?).  When we found that Matthew was breech, he told me it was up to us if I wanted to try an external version or not – and told me not to rush the decision.  I did my homework, talked to my cousin who has delivered hundreds of babies (and attended countless versions), talked to my mom who tried a version with me (both my sister and I were breech and delivered naturally.  My older sister almost killed her (truly) and the version didn’t work for me), and discussed it with an ultrasound tech who is a very natural person.  Everyone said not to do the version – that Matthew was where he was for a reason and to leave him alone.  I agreed with that and when I told Dr. H, he said he saw no reason to try unless it was important to me (and it was not).  He also told us to skip birth class and that our time would be better spent going out to dinner together each of those nights to savor our last few weeks of “just the two of us” time.  SOLD!

So anyway, I love Dr. H.  B told me to tell Dr. H hello today because he wasn’t going with me (I had to explain to B last year why he wouldn’t be seeing Dr. H at my annual exam.  He’s such a great, supportive husband – he wanted to come with me… and he wanted to see Dr. H too!).  When Nurse A called me from the waiting room, she said, “Courtney, get back here, girl!”  She hugged me and we chatted forever!  She is so wonderful!  Then Dr. H came in and he talked with me for – I am not kidding – 45 minutes before doing the exam.  We talked about our upcoming FET, motherhood, being a SAHM, his wife’s business (she is a crazy-talented artist), parenting, B’s love of fatherhood, the US’s move from the gold standard, the American dollar being the reserve currency for oil, financial crises and the importance of eliminating our own personal debt for when the dollar totally crashes, taxation and a fair tax, the new health care policy, gay marriage, abortion, his upcoming hunting trip (B asked me to ask about that), gun safety, his 2013 hunting trip (going to Siberia), my friends who see him right now (they’re due in 2.5 weeks!!!!), and his girls.  I used to be TERRIFIED of my annual exams.  Not anymore – I look forward to them.  HA!  When the exam was done, he told me that he, “would love to keep chatting, but I have to do some work.  I was late because (nurse) A told me you were here and I wanted to have time to chat with you.”  Seriously?  He is the best doctor EVER!

So this all brings me to the point of my post.  I was chatting with SRB on skype today and we were talking about everything under the sun – and got into birth plans.  I remembered this video that my SIL posted to FB months ago and I watched it again today.  At my 6 week check last year, I asked Dr. H if I could do a VBAC next time or if I had to do a scheduled section.  Of course, he said it was up to me but that if I wanted to deliver out went close to Matthew, that it would have to be a scheduled section because of the remote chance of catastrophe with VBACs.  He said that they almost always go right, but when they go wrong, they go “catastrophically wrong.”  I have a cousin who had a ruptured uterus and it was not good.  Not good at all.  I follow some bloggers who have had ruptured uteruses and they went “catastrophically wrong.”  If there is the slightest chance that that could happen to me, it’s not worth it to me (I know that some of you would disagree and probably think I’m being too fearful – and I am!).  So I’m thinking I’ll have another scheduled section… but I’m going to ask Dr. H if we can do it this way next time (this is an amazing video – and I would encourage any woman to watch it, whether or not she’s considering (or being faced with) a c-section).  What do you think he’ll say???  I shall report back once I’m pregnant and I email this to him  😉

*  I didn’t want to rotate through the practice because I didn’t want to know which doctors I didn’t really like.  I didn’t want to go into labor and run the chance of being told that ‘Dr. “you don’t like him/her’ is on call tonight and will be delivering for you.”  That would have set a very bad tone for the most important day of my life – so I thought it was best to just not KNOW who I don’t like in case I got someone with no bedside manner.  At least that way, I wouldn’t be anticipating a bad experience and would avoid that anxiety.  The other reason I didn’t want to rotate was because if everything went well, the doctor would only be there for a few checks and then the pushing part – which isn’t the long part of the birth experience (compared to hours and hours of laboring with the nurses).  So I skipped the rotation option  😉

**  At the one appointment with my prior OB, she told me I’d gained too much weight (4 pounds at 4 months pregnant).  She made me feel like crap.  When I saw Dr. H the next month, he didn’t mention my weight so I asked him about it.  He told me that female OB’s can be hard on women with their weight gain and that I was tracking just fine – in fact, I was on the low-end even given that I started out heavier than I had wanted.  I ended up gaining only 18 pounds during the whole pregnancy.  I still, to this day, want to call my old OB and tell her just how bad she made me feel for no reason at all. 


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Just What I Needed

So yesterday, I had a hefty dose of “the bitters” when the nanny of one of my acquaintance’s told me that they (the acquaintances) are having another baby.  Of course it’s a surprise baby because their sweet little boy just turned one (and the nanny told me it’s an “oopsie baby”).  Their little boy and Matthew are gym buddies together and I really, REALLY love their nanny (and their little boy).  Anyway, I heard this and literally felt sick to my stomach.  The reason being that when I was thinking of staying home with Matthew, I ran into this acquaintance and very excitedly told her that I was thinking of being a SAHM and she literally asked, “why would you want to do that?” while holding her 2 month old baby.  She questioned my desire to be a SAHM and at that moment, I thought, “we are not the same type of mother.”  I’m not judging her, but we are different, and she questioned my very excited choice.  I didn’t like that.  And now she gets a surprise baby?  BITTERNESS.

But then today happened.

I went to our RE’s office for my sonohystogram.

I love this place – I am not kidding.

I walked in with a skip to my step!  I couldn’t wait to see if the receptionist, who I love and used to trade chatty emails with while we were cycling, had had her baby yet.  She had – a girl – two weeks early – everyone’s happy and healthy!  This made my day!  I must now go buy her a gift!

Then I caught a glimpse of my favorite embryologist, H, and made a mental note to ask to see her before I left so I could say hello.  This woman single-handedly got me through our miscarriage after our FET and then did the biggest favor for me during our next fresh cycle (our Matthew cycle).  She got me in to test 2 days early because she felt that I had been through the wringer and deserved an early beta before the weekend.  She didn’t ask the doctor – she just scheduled it for me.  What a nice woman!  She was the one who cried with me when we were getting such terrible betas during our FET and also called me after our positive beta for Matthew just to tell me how happy she was for us.  Yes – I just HAD to see her before I left today!

Then I was called back and met a new nurse  who is a very nice gal and we joked about how much we love going to the doctor or dentist so that we can catch up on our Hollywood gossip via Peo.ple magazine.

And then I got to see my RE, Dr. Y, and OMG he was so relaxed and easy-going!  I joke all the time that I make him uncomfortable with my direct and controlling style, but today he was just so laid back (and just like when we saw him in March for our consult, actually).  I took the opportunity to ask if we could deviate from his plan (FET and then fresh cycle if the FET fails) and I quickly explained that of course I’m hopeful that the first FET will work, but if not, can we do another FET so that I don’t add more frozen embryos to my stash with another fresh cycle?  And he said YES!  Not only did he say yes, but when I said that I just don’t want a bunch of embryos leftover when we’re done building our family, he said (with a very warm smile), “neither do I – we’ll do your plan.”  We chatted and laughed about how times have changed – that in the past – B accompanied me to every appointment but now I actually asked him to stay home with Matthew and I was totally fine with it.  Dr. Y mentioned that most husbands don’t come to every appointment like B did, even on the first few cycles, and that that was so nice of him.  I agree 100%

Then we did the mock transfer and sonohystogram and everything looked just fine.  He took the opportunity to use me (or my uterus) to show the nurse my c-section scar and knew me well enough to turn the screen towards me so I could see too.  We discussed the timing of this cycle with the healing scar and he has no concerns with a pregnancy so close to the section.  I had read that you should wait 2 years before getting pregnant again after a c-section and when I told him that, he said that it’s not a problem and that my uterus healed up perfectly, so we’re good to go.  Dr. Y knows that I’ve usually done my homework before coming in and that all he has to do is validate my concern or question and tell me enough to calm my nerves, and I won’t question him.  He also knows that I will drop the issue or question if I’m happy with his response and he always responds in a very thoughtful, kind way.  I love this doctor!

And then, when I left the room, H (my favorite embryologist) and K (my co-favorite nurse) were waiting in the hallway for me!  They said they heard I was there and wanted to see me.  We hugged, reminisced, talked about each others’ kids, and talked about how excited I am to be back.  It was wonderful!  It was hard to leave!  And then S, my other co-favorite nurse, came by to chat and my visit was complete!

I accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish, and I saw all the people I wanted to see.

And I thanked my lucky stars that I do not have an “oopsie baby” on the way.  That I need these people to help me grow my family.  That I’ve made connections with these wonderful people who make building other people’s families their life’s work.

I’m lucky!


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CD

I am so tired but have to report two things.

1) I had to call our RE’s office today to report my CD1!  I will go in for a sonohystogram next week and we will start our FET next cycle (end of August setting us up for a transfer in October) – this one was too close to the end of nursing.  I am just fine with it.  They did tell me that depending on when I get my next period, that their annual week off for a big RE conference could interfere and we may have to push until the following cycle.  Surprisingly, I was just fine with that.  We conceived Matthew in October and if our first FET works, I would like for it to not result in a shared birthday for either of our children.  Beggars can’t be choosers, but I’d be perfectly happy with a month delay if they’d like to give it to me for this very reason.  I’d also be happy getting started as soon as possible.  I’ll take what they give me!

Is it weird that I really enjoyed my conversation with the nurse?  She’s new since we’ve been there and I’ve wanted to get to know her before going in.  We hit it off over the phone – so now I can’t wait until I meet her next week!  I love everyone at this clinic and look forward to seeing them all again!

2) I’m happy to report that we are so on-board with CD-ing (cloth diapering) that I purchased 5 more diapers last week and they’re here!  There was a buy 4 get 1 free deal so I did it.  I now have enough to definitely only wash them every 4th day.  They have the vel.cro closures and I like those.  I only had one like that and I really liked it and that prompted me to buy more.  Exciting times over here!  They better not release any new prints or I’ll need to buy more.  I think CD’s are just so cute and addictive.  Seriously!

Love that padded tushie!


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Beggars And Choosers

B is out of town… for a week.  Yikes!  Honestly, it won’t be that bad aside from just needing a break here and there.  We have a packed calendar for the week to keep us busy, so that’s good.  It’s hotter than hell here – it was 103* yesterday and will be 105* today – so we need to keep busy indoors.  That’s hard to do, but we’ll make it work.  We’re definitely hitting the pool tomorrow though!

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately.  My late period (still nothing), lack of a BFP, and sore breasts are entirely to blame for it.  I have never been more than 2-3 days late in my life, so of course I figured that maybe, just maybe, we had a surprise BFP like “everyone else” out there.  I mean – when most people are a week late, that means they’re pregnant.  I should not have let my mind even go there – but I did.  Lesson learned.  The only good thing about AF taking her sweet time is that we may be able to start treatments sooner.  If AF came before 2 weeks post-nursing, then they wanted me to wait another cycle because my hormones would still be out of whack.  If AF waits until after Friday, then we may be able to start right away when she decides to show up.  Watch – I’ll get it on Thursday 😉  Beggars can’t shouldn’t be choosers, so I just need to let AF show up when she does (not that I have a choice) and just be happy that we get to start again shortly thereafter.

Matthew is consistently sleeping until 7:00 AM now – without a little wake-up in the 6:00 hour.  This whole thing worked brilliantly and I’m proud of us – we truly shaped his sleep times into what we wanted.  Of course this morning, though, when he woke up at 7:03, I let him fuss to see if he would go back to sleep.  He did not.  What is it about never being happy – or never having enough sleep?  The poor kid sleeps until 7:00 like I shaped and planned, and now I’m trying to get him to sleep longer?  Why would I want him to sleep longer – all that does is mess up his nap schedule!?  Beggars and choosers… beggars and choosers…  The bottom line is that I stayed up entirely too late and wanted to sleep in myself.  I always stay up too late when B is out of town.

Nothing is really new to report – except that Matthew now hisses like a cat.  We do believe he learned that from Lily, our grumpy, diabetic girl.  We used to think that she truly loved Matthew, but right now, she’s just tolerating him.  He gets too close, and she gets grumpy, and sometimes she hisses.  He now walks around hissing at things – not when he’s angry or anything – just whenever he feels like it.  It is adorable!

In case B reads my blog while he’s away, here are some recent photos of them together.  We miss you, Baby!

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Still…

Still no AF.

I just finished one beer, and was wanting another.  I thought, “let’s just test again for good measure before I have another.  You never know.”

But I do know.  I always know.

Still a BFN.

Where the hell is it????  I could care less about not being pregnant right now, but holy hell, I am ready to be done with this PMS, or whatever it is.

My left breast hurts.  I haven’t nursed since Friday night but the poor-producing left breast has decided to make things difficult while the right, over-producing breast is just drying up like it’s supposed to.  Why has the left one decided to be a superstar now when it was such an under-producer for the last year?!?!

I’m done complaining.

Time for another beer.  I think I’ll have 6.


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I’m Ready!

It’s no secret that I am rather ambivalent about TTC #2 – but I now need to rephrase that.  I was ambivalent about TTC#2.

Now – I’m ready.

I am late – very late for me.  I’m coming off of breastfeeding so I figured I’d let it ride for a bit before I tested.  I hate having HPT’s in the house – they give me great anxiety.  I figured I’d get a BFN and then have 2 HPT’s leftover from the box, and that was too much for me.  Just knowing they’re under my bathroom sink makes me want to have a reason to use them.  It’s weird, I know.  Or maybe it isn’t.

Anyway – I wasn’t testing.

I have the most insanely sensitive sense of smell right now.  I can smell cat puke spots from months ago.  I can smell specific bugs outside.  I can pick up the faintest scent and it’s been driving me nuts.  Of everything I was smelling, B could only smell the same thing as me once.  This was a tell-tale sign.

I’ve been sick, off and on, for weeks.  Sunday was rough – but I didn’t read too much into it because I wasn’t sick when I was pregnant with Matthew.

I’ve had lots of faint little cramps – just like when I got pregnant with Matthew.

So I tested this morning.  BFN.  I knew it.  I wasn’t sad – even though I had let my mind wander into the realm of, “what if?!”  In fact, I had a spring to my step.  And here is why.

I now know that I am ready to TTC #2.  I am ambivalent no more.  I am looking forward to starting a cycle.  I am looking forward to getting this show on the road.  I am looking forward to knowing where we stand with all of the IF business.

I needed this little exercise – it let me really figure out how I feel.

But now, all I need is a period.  Where the hell is it?  I’m ready to get it over with so we can start a cycle (or testing) next month – and then use one of those annoying HPT’s shortly thereafter  🙂


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Considering Our Family…

This post is my contribution to the PAIL monthly theme post. 

“I’m bored with you, Mom. Please give me a little brother or sister ASAP!”

So here we are, it’s July and I’ve just finished up breastfeeding Matthew so that we can move onto TTC #2 with fertility treatments.  Yay.  😉  I am a little irritated that Matthew and I have to give up something that we both love just to try something.  There are no guarantees that it will work any time soon – and there is a part of my brain that is angry that we had to stop nursing just to attempt something that only has a 40% success rate.  But I need to get over it – because it is what it is.

I am ambivalent about TTC #2 (if you can’t tell!).  Working on #1 was very hard on me – it took 1 full year of trying naturally, then 2 IUI’s (both BFN’s), then a fresh IVF cycle (BFN), then a frozen cycle (very early miscarriage), and then another fresh IVF cycle (Matthew!).  From starting the TTC process to a successful ultrasound, it took us over 2.25 years.  2.25 years.  God, I hope it doesn’t take that long again!

For me, ideal child spacing would be about 3 years, but we don’t have that luxury.  I am 36, Matthew is very social and really needs a sibling ASAP, and… we have 7 embryos in the freezer.  We want to give them all a chance if we can, which means that we could be looking at TTC #3 if all goes well with #2 and we have a couple of embryos left over again.  In other words, we need to GET ON IT!  If I had my way, I would wait a little longer so that Matthew and I could have a little more “us time,” but I do forget that getting pregnant doesn’t yield us a baby for at least 8-9 months so there’s still plenty of “us time” ahead of us.  AND – the only reason I say that 3 years is ideal is because my little sister is 3 years younger than me and we are true besties – she was my very first love and always will be.  Maybe 2 years spacing would be ideal for my babies and that’s all that really matters.

And then there’s this… given what it takes for us to get pregnant, maybe my babies will end up being 3 years apart anyway.  We just never know.  And that’s the whole point of all of this, right?  We just don’t know what’s going to happen and we need to trust fate and just jump in feet first!

But… I do know that both my head and heart are ready to get started again.  We definitely want another baby (or two!) and we know that Matthew wants a little friend, so it’s time to make this happen.  I have no doubts that it will work, but the question is how long it will take and what all it will take.  Our RE has different ideas of what we’ll do if the first FET fails (he wants to do a fresh cycle, I’d like to try another FET… but he’s right – my age is an issue), so at this point, I just want it to work the first time so that I don’t have to make hard decisions.  That would be nice.  However, that would not be likely.

I do know that I will not allow myself to be as stressed out about this as I was when we were trying desperately to get Matthew.  We have one baby already and that is all we need – we are complete with him.  I have written about this several times – I feel it deep down in my soul that Matthew completed our family for us.  Every baby after him is an extra cherry on top of our sundae (and I love cherries!)!  We are no longer looking at being childless, so that makes TTC #2 way easier on an emotional level.  Sure, I’ll throw my heart and soul into it, but I have a little boy who warms my heart and completes my soul.  He gives me strength.  He gives me happiness.  He gives me peace.  I will kindly take those gifts from him and use them to make this process easier on us ALL (B included).  I assure you, and myself, of that.

 

 

 

 


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Weaning Complete

* This used to be my Weaning Progress Page, but now that weaning is complete, I figured it was better as a singular post.  We really were done on the 14th.  I thought that I may nurse until I get my period, but last night (07/15), I told B that I just have to bite the bullet and get the breast pain over with, and that Matthew was ready to be done.  So I thawed out some breast milk and filled up a sippy cup for bedtime.  It went fine – he didn’t fall asleep, but he hasn’t fallen asleep at bedtime in a long time with the exception of the final night of nursing.  Matthew fussed for 20 minutes (like normal) before settling down.  It was uneventful.  He didn’t seem to miss it – but I did.  However… I am fine!

We started weaning today (7/1).  This was hard for me – there were some tears over it.  We developed a plan with Matthew’s pediatrician who suggested dropping one nursing every 3-4 days.  We started with Matthew’s morning nap and will continue to just not nurse for this one nap for three days before then dropping his afternoon nap nursing for three days, and so on.  This should take a total of 12 days since he nurses 4 times a day (when he wakes up, morning nap, afternoon nap, bedtime).  The reasons we’re doing it this way are that the doctor agrees with me that Matthew will likely be very stubborn so we should ease him into it, and, more importantly (per the doctor), Matthew nurses quite a bit and easing back will help me avoid mastitis.

07/01/2012 – dropped the nursing before the morning nap.  I was a wreck over it, and Matthew clearly wanted to nurse, but he let me distract him by rocking him while standing up with him.  He fell asleep but then did fuss when I put him in his crib.  However, he was over it and asleep within a couple of minutes.  My heart broke a little, but honestly, it was easier than I expected.  I did not cry at all during or afterwards.  He handled it well.  I was so looking forward to our afternoon nap nursing that I let him sleep in my arms for 2 hours.  I am clearly the one having a hard time with this  😉

07/02/2012 – morning nap went just fine.  I’m almost sad about how easy this has been – my boy apparently doesn’t need me as much as I thought.  😉  HA!  I put him down awake at 10:28 (after standing and rocking him for 10 minutes) and he whimpered some until 10:30 – no full-on crying.  Unreal.  We’re coming up on 1.75 hours of napping.  I have his sippy cup all ready for him with 3.5 ounces of the oldest frozen breast milk we have in the house – it’s from September.  It smells and tastes like metal (this happens with all of my milk once it’s frozen, it’s due to some extra enzyme – it’s perfectly safe), but he drinks it.  He’s a good boy  😉  Update:  Matthew’s nap today was 2.25 hours.  What in the world?  And he took his sippy cup very happily!  Update #2:  Nap 2 was spent in my arms.  I enjoyed the snuggles too much, and he went down late and I didn’t want him to sleep past 5 – so there you have it.  He actually was not happy about this as he got too hot and didn’t sleep well.

07/03/2012 – Well, this just keeps getting easier and easier.  This is the last day of just one nursing being dropped.  Tomorrow, we go for the next one, which will be the afternoon nap feeding.  This means that I will not nurse tomorrow for over 12 hours, and that has me a bit nervous.  We will nurse when Matthew wakes up (6:00-6:30) and then not again until bedtime around 8:00.  Oh boy!  Right now, I’m going 9 hours between feedings and I feel fine, so maybe 14 hours won’t be so bad?  I don’t know.  Anyway – this morning’s nap went well.  We read 3 books (as usual before any sleep time!) and then I stood up and rocked Matthew over my shoulder.  He didn’t even try to nurse.  He was pretty playful at first, but then settled down and even fell asleep.  I was so happy!  When I put him in his crib, he opened his eyes and moaned for a second, and then drifted back to sleep.  He’s been asleep for over an hour now.  This is going too well.

07/04/2012 – We dropped the afternoon nap nursing.  Matthew handled it just fine – he’s getting used to finishing his books, then being rocked to drowsiness on my shoulder.  His morning nap was not as long as usual (only 1.5 hours today) because we let him go down earlier.  The afternoon nap was then earlier and shorter as well.  I like to stretch him 3.5-4 hours before a nap, but today, he wanted one after 3 hours.  He does try to nurse here and there, but he’s easily distracted.  The breast milk in the sippy cup is treating him really well.  I’m not sure it’s going to last into September because he could definitely drink more of it if I’d let him.  I am watching his dairy intake to ensure he only get 16-20 ounces a day – don’t want to over-do it.  I am doing fine with the weaning, but I was ready to nurse him tonight.  I wasn’t in pain, but I would have been if we’d gone much longer!  We may do 4 days of this (2 nursings, 2 non-nursings) instead of 3 because I’m a bit scared of how I’m going to feel when we drop a third nursing.  I have to believe that will be painful.

07/05/2012 – We hit a rough patch today.  Matthew wasn’t too interested in nursing this morning when he woke up, so I went from 6:45 AM until 8:00 PM without nursing, and started that stretch with semi-full breasts.  Ouch!  By 8:00, I was desperate to nurse.  I even pumped afterwards (2.25 ounces).  Poor Matthew was desperate to nurse during the day today too.  He was trying to nurse from my arm, my shoulder… from anywhere as I tried putting him down for his afternoon nap.  He settled for a sippy cup of Mom’s milk.  We both survived… but it was tough!

07/06/2012 – Today was going to be my last day of nursing 50% of the time, but we’re going to take an extra day (or two) before dropping it down to 25%.  I need to give my body another day to adjust down – I’m a bit uncomfortable by about this time in the day (5:45 PM) after not nursing since 6:00 AM.  Today was way better than yesterday – HOLY HELL I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO EXPLODE YESTERDAY!  Matthew did rather well today but after waking up early from his nap (he napped in my arms – oh the sweetness!), he tried to nurse.  Very quickly, we got the remaining 1.5 ounces out of the fridge and that seemed to do the trick.  Whew!  I am looking forward to nursing him tonight for different reasons than last night.  Last night – I was ready to explode.  Tonight, I’m ready to snuggle!

07/07/2012 – Today is going well – Matthew has had his cup of milk BEFORE his naps today and I think that’s working better.  He only gnawed on my arm for a few seconds before going down for his AM nap.  I am feeling pretty good.  We’re doing 2 nursings today and tomorrow, I think.  I just want to take it slow so that I am not in pain.  I was miserable 2 days ago, and there’s no reason to push it.  I’m really happy with how this is going!  It’s going much better than I expected for both of us!

07/08/2012 – I messed up my schedule in my milk tracking spreadsheet, so I get an extra day (6th day) of 2 nursings a day – which means tomorrow is a gift!  I would rather take an extra day to wean than update that spreadsheet again.  I am pleased, I was struggling with which feeding to drop (first thing in the  morning, or bedtime nursing).  I think I’ll drop the morning feeding next.  Today went just fine – and my milk supply is adjusted quite well to just morning and night feedings.

07/09/2012 – This day went fine – it was my bonus day of a 6th morning of nursing.  I was supposed to drop down to just one feeding today (at bedtime), but I messed up my milk planning and added a day to the schedule.  Fine by me!  I truly enjoyed our final morning snuggle together!

07/10/2012 – It’s a rough day – I haven’t nursed since last night at 9:00 and it’s 5:00 PM now.  Ugh.  I’ll be OK, but this is not fun.  Three more hours to go until I get some relief.  On the bright side, Matthew is devouring his milk in his cups.  He even yelled, “yeah!” when I showed him his afternoon nap sippy cup of milk  🙂  He’s napping great today (almost 2 hours this morning and going on an hour right now, with no end in sight) and he slept until 7:20 this morning.  I should rephrase that – he woke up at 6:10 and since today was the first day of no morning nursing, I let him try to settle down and he did within 4 minutes.  He woke up 20 minutes later and fussed for a couple minutes.  He fussed one more time at 6:45 and then went back to sleep until 7:20.  It was so nice to have the house ready before he woke up.  His sippy cup was full and waiting for him, and the cats were all fed and shot up (we have a diabetic).  We went to Target at 8:30.  What a morning!  I owe it all to not nursing this morning.  I missed it, but it’s OK.

07/11/2012 – I’m always amazed how much better day 2 is after dropping a nursing.  I was in terrible pain yesterday by pool time (1:00 PM) and today – I feel just fine at almost 5:00.  Unreal!  The body is truly amazing!  Matthew wasn’t so keen on his milk today – he stretched 5 ounces across two nap feedings, leaving a 4.5 ounce bag in the freezer.  This is just fine – he’s getting plenty of dairy between his cups, the one nursing, and his morning yogurt.  I’m almost done nursing… 4 nights left.  I’ll be OK.. I’ll be OK  😉

07/12/2012 – I cried a bit tonight as I nursed Matthew.  It his me that I only had 3 more nights of nursing left before we’re all done.  I cried through the entire first half of the nursing.  Matthew seemed concerned by this.  Besides that, the day has been uneventful in the weaning department.  My supply has totally adjusted to just one nursing and I’m just amazed at how smart the human (FEMALE) body is!

07/13/2012 – I did not cry tonight.  I’m ready to be done – but only because Matthew goes to sleep better when he’s rocked over my shoulder than when he nurses to sleep (drowsiness).  The nights have been brutal at bedtime with him crying for 20-40 minutes, off and on, after nursing.  I’m told it could be my let-down adjusting which may be upsetting him.  I don’t know – but I do know that I LOVE rocking him before his naps with him draped over my shoulder and I will LOVE doing that at bedtime too.  I realized today that I’m not giving up a bond – but the way we bond is changing slightly.  And that’s OK.  One night left… I think.  Let’s see if I chicken out and keep nursing just at night for a little while longer.

07/14/2012 – I think we’re done.  Sniff, sniff, sniff… sob, sob, sob!  Seriously, the final night went well.  I committed to letting him nurse until he fell asleep and fell off of me.  Twenty-three minutes in, he was fast asleep but still nursing so I shifted just a smidgen and he fell off – and I rocked him for a minute and then put him to bed.  I thanked my sweet boy for over a year of wonderful bonding and told him I loved him and walked out.  He didn’t make a peep.  And then I cried  😦

What a great run this has been!  I never expected to make it this long.  I originally planned to make it to 3 months, then 6 months, then a year.  We made it to 1 year and 3 weeks, and only quit because it’s time to start trying to give Matthew a little brother or sister and we can’t do that until I’m done nursing (per the RE).  We have enough frozen breast milk to get him to 15.5 months and maybe even longer – and we NEVER planned on that!  So I am happy.  I am proud.  I am at peace.

Here are some of our more recent nursing photos – I will always smile when I look at these!

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3+ Years

I went out with my girlfriends for dinner tonight.  We had a nice time!  The gals I met are my two friends who have done IVF.  They’re the gals I wrote about in this post.  We talked about how far we’ve all come since those dark days of coaching each other through the madness that is IVF and life in general.  It’s amazing to look back and think that 2 of the 3 of us didn’t have kids when we first met, that we were desperately trying to have babies, and that now – one of us has a 6-year-old, two of us have toddlers, and one of us is expecting baby #2 (not me!).  A lot has changed in 3+ years!

And we’re all happy.  We’re all so very happy with our lives!

We did talk about pregnancy announcements and how they affect us.  We briefly discussed particular ones that were alarmingly painful for us “back in the day.”  We talked about how some pregnancy announcements can still startle us, but for different reasons.  I summed it up by saying, “now when I hear that someone is pregnant, I have a healthy small dose of reasonable jealousy.  I’m jealous that they were able to achieve it without cold, hard science – but I’m happy for them that they were able to do so.  Before, I had nothing but the raging ‘I hate you, you effing fertile cow’ jealousy.”  Yeah – I’ve come a long way  😉

It’s so nice to have friends I can admit this to.  I’m all about admitting “the ugly” in myself – it helps me set it free and move on.  But it’s really nice when you can admit “the ugly” to people who nod along and fully understand you.  These girls – they understand me!


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Reality

So a couple of weeks ago, I was all pumped up about getting my first AF in years, and was super excited to start trying for another baby.  I was all, “we are going to try naturally, hurrah!”  A lot of the ladies I follow have been getting surprise BFP’s and that sort of motivated me – I thought, “if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.”

But it really can’t – or it really shouldn’t.  Everyone getting their surprise pregnancies have similar IF diagnoses.  We do not.  I don’t follow a single person with our diagnosis (that I know of) with the exception of one blogger I’ve followed for years.*  When she first started her IF journey, she was told that they could get pregnant naturally, but that it would take 5 years (statistically).  Well, she did have a surprise BFP – almost exactly 5 years after her RE told her the odds.

I don’t have 5 years.  And I’ve come to realize something else.

I like my RE.  I like knowing that when we go back to try, that I’m only trying for a set cycle and I’m not getting my hopes up every.single.month.  I was using OPK’s this past week to see if I’m going to be back to my regular 26.5 day cycle, or if the breastfeeding was going to make it longer or shorter.  I got no positive surge – but I started testing on day 11 of my cycle.  Too late to start.  I’m not concerned – we know I ovulate just fine so I’m sure I tested at the wrong time.  This past week, every time I would POAS, I was stressed.  Every time I saw that open circle (I use the digital ones), my heart would sink.  Why?  I knew what the problem was (late testing), but it still stressed me out.

I went to Tar-get yesterday and had a month’s supply of OPK’s in my hand when I looked at Matthew and thought, “I don’t want this stress.  I don’t need this stress.  I’m happy right now.  Why am I willing to mess that up?  THESE WILL MESS THAT UP.”  I literally said out loud to him, “we don’t need these.”  I put them back on the shelf, and walked out of that store confident in my decision to not put myself (or B, or Matthew) through the stress that comes with testing.

It was a simple decision.  I was looking at my little boy who lights up every single day of my life, and I realized that this is not the time to be stressed.  This is the time to savor.  This is the time to absorb every hug, every kiss, every snuggle because this time will be gone in the blink of an eye.  Every single OPK test that I used last week interrupted that happiness, and that’s unacceptable.

And then there’s this.  We have 7 frozen embryos and we would really like to give them all a chance.  Honestly, we probably have between 0 and 2 potential babies in the freezer.  We could use them all up and have no baby in the end, or we could get one or a couple of babies out of them.  Who knows.  But if we would have a surprise BFP – we would will still have 7 frozen embryos whose fates we would need to decide.

No.thank.you!

So for now, we will just go with the flow and not test.  Not try.  If there is a miracle, surprise BFP in my future – it’s going to be just that.  A surprise.  Not something we timed intercourse for.  Not something I tested for and stressed over.  No.  There is no need for stress in our lives right now.  That time is coming soon enough with an upcoming FET.  I want to savor this time because it’s going to get a little more complicated soon enough.

And I will say this again.  I look at Matthew and truly think, “you are all I need for children.”  I would love another 1 or 2 kids for all of our sakes, but if Matthew is destined to be an only child – I am happy with that.  Because I am over-the-moon happy with him!

* I just re-read one of the blogs I follow and one of them DOES have our diagnosis.  I am still not changing my plan as outlined above, but it’s nice to see that there is some hope out there!

** Congrats to all of you with your surprise BFP’s!  I am really, really happy for you!