So a couple of weeks ago, I was all pumped up about getting my first AF in years, and was super excited to start trying for another baby. I was all, “we are going to try naturally, hurrah!” A lot of the ladies I follow have been getting surprise BFP’s and that sort of motivated me – I thought, “if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.”
But it really can’t – or it really shouldn’t. Everyone getting their surprise pregnancies have similar IF diagnoses. We do not. I don’t follow a single person with our diagnosis (that I know of) with the exception of one blogger I’ve followed for years.* When she first started her IF journey, she was told that they could get pregnant naturally, but that it would take 5 years (statistically). Well, she did have a surprise BFP – almost exactly 5 years after her RE told her the odds.
I don’t have 5 years. And I’ve come to realize something else.
I like my RE. I like knowing that when we go back to try, that I’m only trying for a set cycle and I’m not getting my hopes up every.single.month. I was using OPK’s this past week to see if I’m going to be back to my regular 26.5 day cycle, or if the breastfeeding was going to make it longer or shorter. I got no positive surge – but I started testing on day 11 of my cycle. Too late to start. I’m not concerned – we know I ovulate just fine so I’m sure I tested at the wrong time. This past week, every time I would POAS, I was stressed. Every time I saw that open circle (I use the digital ones), my heart would sink. Why? I knew what the problem was (late testing), but it still stressed me out.
I went to Tar-get yesterday and had a month’s supply of OPK’s in my hand when I looked at Matthew and thought, “I don’t want this stress. I don’t need this stress. I’m happy right now. Why am I willing to mess that up? THESE WILL MESS THAT UP.” I literally said out loud to him, “we don’t need these.” I put them back on the shelf, and walked out of that store confident in my decision to not put myself (or B, or Matthew) through the stress that comes with testing.
It was a simple decision. I was looking at my little boy who lights up every single day of my life, and I realized that this is not the time to be stressed. This is the time to savor. This is the time to absorb every hug, every kiss, every snuggle because this time will be gone in the blink of an eye. Every single OPK test that I used last week interrupted that happiness, and that’s unacceptable.
And then there’s this. We have 7 frozen embryos and we would really like to give them all a chance. Honestly, we probably have between 0 and 2 potential babies in the freezer. We could use them all up and have no baby in the end, or we could get one or a couple of babies out of them. Who knows. But if we would have a surprise BFP – we would will still have 7 frozen embryos whose fates we would need to decide.
So for now, we will just go with the flow and not test. Not try. If there is a miracle, surprise BFP in my future – it’s going to be just that. A surprise. Not something we timed intercourse for. Not something I tested for and stressed over. No. There is no need for stress in our lives right now. That time is coming soon enough with an upcoming FET. I want to savor this time because it’s going to get a little more complicated soon enough.
And I will say this again. I look at Matthew and truly think, “you are all I need for children.” I would love another 1 or 2 kids for all of our sakes, but if Matthew is destined to be an only child – I am happy with that. Because I am over-the-moon happy with him!
* I just re-read one of the blogs I follow and one of them DOES have our diagnosis. I am still not changing my plan as outlined above, but it’s nice to see that there is some hope out there!
** Congrats to all of you with your surprise BFP’s! I am really, really happy for you!
July 2, 2012 at 7:13 am
You’re one smart girl, I gotta say. I am so glad that you figured out what would make your family the happiest and were able to take a step back and get some perspective on the whole situation. It makes so much sense that, while a surprise BFP would be fabulous, you also have those frozen embrios to take care of. I hope that you get whatever number of kids you’d chose to have from those 7! And I hope that you and B get to have some fun just going with the flow!
July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am
Thank you! I was being hormonal and idiotic, quite frankly, thinking that testing was a good idea. I hadn’t even thought about it until my friend (who does IVF too) offered me her unused ones. I’m glad they’re gone now – they were like a negative vibe in my bathroom.
July 2, 2012 at 7:50 am
I am so with you on the stressed out thing. I don’t know how people temp and chart, I did it one month and was such a mess. Good choice, your little man doesn’t need a stressed out mama!
July 2, 2012 at 11:54 am
Thank you for the encouragement. It really helps!
July 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm
I’m glad to read this, babe. This is such a huge step. I admire you’re strength a great deal. It’s a good place to be in. 🙂
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