I had a counseling session this morning. B rearranged meetings so that he could stay with Matthew while I went. I always appreciate that because B is super busy with work, especially right now. I schedule my appointments at 8:00 so that I impact his day as little as possible, but conflicts, like today, do come up. He needed me home at 9:10 so that he could get on a call that he was leading, so Dr. D and I planned ahead and stopped a bit early.
I don’t come right home, usually, and tell B about what Dr. D and I discussed. I usually wait for an appropriate time and don’t want to bombard him with it, especially when he has to be on a call. I was very anxious today, though, to share what we discussed because it was an “ah ha!” moment for me. I stopped to get him some coffee on the way home and was back in time for B to get on his call. B had Matthew all cleaned up for the day when I got home (even teeth brushed, which is not the “funnest” thing in the world to do), which I really appreciated. He went off for his call, and I hopped in the shower.
Shortly afterwards, he came into the bathroom and sat down on the floor to play with Matthew. I asked when his next call was, and we had 15 minutes to chat so I told him what Dr. D and I discussed. And it’s this simple. Every couple needs to find the bottom line between them – when it comes to arguments, decisions, plans, etc. – there is a bottom line. The bottom line is, “what is most important to you as a couple” Dr. D says that most healthy couples agree that their bottom line is their relationships with each other and their children, and then to those around them. But central to every decision, every argument, every everything – your relationship with one another usually is (and should be) the bottom line between a couple. If you can agree on that, then arguments, decisions, discussions will go much, much smoother when you keep that in mind.
This is a no-brainer. I told Dr. D that had I known this before, I would have bought a sectional for our basement a year ago. He chuckled. I told him that a sectional in our basement would improve our relationship very much – there is plenty of room for all of us to stretch out and spend time together. (I usually take 2/3 of the sofa and B gets 1 corner to himself = not comfortable for him = not desirable to spend time together down there.) We bought a sectional this past Sunday, after 2+ years of discussion. Two and a half years! We put that decision off because, “what if we move and there’s no room for it? It’s a sunk cost.” We finally bit the bullet and we bought it. Had we simply asked ourselves how the purchase would affect our relationship, we would have bought it a very long time ago.
And what do you know? Yesterday, career discussions came up again. We’re not taking this latest round too seriously because B had already started talking yesterday about what Dr. D discussed with me today. B feels that this is the time for us to work on building our family here, and focusing on our two boys and each other. And when you look at it from that perspective, and you think about our bottom line, moving right now is NOT the right decision. It’s just THAT simple. I feel much better about decisions like this in the future as long as I keep our bottom line top of mind. Apparently, my husband is already doing this.
When I was talking with Dr. D today, I told him that B is one of those techy guys who can get anything to work. This was an issue last night for us as we were trying to watch Downt.on Abb.ey on PBS through our Xbox and it wasn’t working. B was hell-bent on making it work, and I couldn’t help but wonder if part of his determination was his worry that I was upset that it wasn’t working. I made sure he knew that I didn’t care and suggested we just eat and figure it out later. Anyway, B got it figured out (of course he did) and we were all setup.
I appreciate this about B more than he probably knows. He is very technical and can truly fix anything. I had a cheap little thumb drive go bad once that had MY.ENTIRE.LIFE on it and when it failed me, I freaked out beyond your wildest imagination. I was a wreck over it, but B said he’d figure out a way to get the data. I figured if anyone could do it, it was him so I just left him to his devices and went into the other room. Within an hour, he had it working again just long enough to transfer all of the data to a laptop (which was then immediately backed up onto our server) before it crashed permanently.
I’m a lucky gal! I know this.
Today, after our conversation about our bottom line, B headed for another call and I got cleaned up in the bathroom. Matthew was being SUPER cute so I grabbed my phone to take a quick photo – and it flew out of my hand and onto the tile floor (face down). I knew without looking at it that this was the final straw for this phone – that it had been through so much before but that this forceful toss was what would do it in if something was going to. And it did. The screen is completely shattered.
I went down to B’s office and hollered through the door that I needed to go to AT.T soon to get a new phone (we carry insurance on our phones) before nap time. He quickly said not to do that and that we’d talk in a bit. By the time he was off the phone, he had a video ready to watch on how to fix it, the part found and ready to be ordered, and my data all being backed up. He also got out my old phone (with a minorly cracked screen) and immediately started setting it up again. He put off everything he had to do this morning to get me backed up, back “online,” and the parts on the way so he can fix my phone ASAP (if possible – it may not work).
B sometimes surprises me. He knew our bottom line before I did, and he handled what normally would have been a HORRIBLE stressor for me in a way that kept me calm and happy. When I stress about technology, I am not nice. I do take my frustrations out on him. I admit it. I become filled with rage and have a hard time controlling my temper. B is used to this, he’s figured me out, and he handles me perfectly.
I was reminded twice today, within an hour of one another, not why I love B so much, but what makes him so special amd me so lucky to have him!