I’ve been getting lots of text messages and emails asking me how I’m doing. I must be a little quiet – that’s not normal for me 😉
I’m doing well. I’m tired… so very, very tired. I don’t remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Matthew, but then again, I was crazy excited to finally be pregnant and maybe that energy kept the yawns at bay. I’m not feeling sick at all and I feel very fortunate here – I know this is not the case with many people. I was never sick with Matthew so I’m hoping this bodes well for the rest of this pregnancy.
To be perfectly honest (because am I ever anything but an open book?), I forget that I’m pregnant. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. I just plain forget a lot of the time. When you don’t have any symptoms (even my breasts aren’t going crazy yet unless Matthew steps on them), it’s easy to not even think about what’s going on in there.
I’m strangely calm about this pregnancy and just a little nervous for our ultrasound coming up in a couple of weeks. I know that I’ll walk in with the fear of God in me for that appointment, but right now, it’s just not phasing me. When I was pregnant with Matthew, it was ALL I thought about. Will there be one or two? If two, will they both be OK? Will there be a fetal pole? Will there be a heartbeat? Will it be measuring right on track? Will there be any concerns?
Yeah – none of those thoughts are really going through my mind. I’m not sure why, really. I have an inkling that it’s because I was not really thinking this would work – and I sort of counted on it not working. As everyone knows, I wanted a little more space between my kids and I viewed this cycle as the one to get out-of-the-way, the one to fail so that we could move on with our real cycle.
But this one did work. This one was our real cycle. And I’m still a little stunned. I just did not plan on it going this way at all.
And don’t get me wrong – I am thrilled that it worked. I am thrilled that it was just that easy. But I’m also having some guilt here – because it was just that easy. I read so many of you who are trying to get pregnant with a sibling for your current child, or who are still trying for your first – and I do feel guilty that I fell on the right side of the odds for once. When I got pregnant with Matthew, after a failed IVF cycle and an early loss with our FET, I felt that the odds had finally come up for me. There was no guilt whatsoever after 2.25 years of struggle.
This time – we beat the odds – and I just don’t know how to process that.
I do find myself thinking ahead as well. What do we do now that we have 5 embryos left? I know that our plan is to go for a third child, but what if that works right away like this one did and leaves us with 3 remaining embryos? That could happen given that we’ve had ZERO success with the embryos from that cycle and I have to believe there’s at least one good one in there waiting for us. I can’t have a fourth pregnancy due to my scheduled c-sections (please don’t chime in on doing a VBAC – we have already discussed this with our OB at length and the wonderful Dr. H (who supports me 100% in my choices) really doesn’t want to go there with me). This fact just hit me today – and it’s not like we even want 4 children, but I’m not prepared to make a decision later on for our “left-over” embryos if we do have them. I know I’m putting the cart WAY before the horse, but it’s is on my mind.
I find myself thinking about our extended families now that we’re going to be adding another member to them. Because of this, I tried to remedy an outstanding situation this past weekend with B’s sisters and it errupted even further. I believe it was a good development though – because we found out about some deep-seeded anger that had not been shared with us for over 5.5 years – but it still left me feeling irritated that no one seems to want to discuss things so that we can move on. Honest words were exchanged and then… silence. I am not an ostrich and it’s very hard for me to act like things are OK when they’re not, especially when I have some pretty important news to share with them soon. I have no idea how we’ll share our good news with them. BUT – I didn’t know how to do it before I addressed “the situation” this past weekend, so I’m not really in any different position than I was before (but I do feel much better having addressed my concerns). I don’t regret trying to remedy things, though, because that is who I am – talk about it, everyone says what they need to say, resolve it, and then we all move on and start fresh. No hard feelings.
I am the anomoly in this family 😉
So that is how I am. All-in-all, I’m really good! I am feeling some guilt, some joy, some happiness, some disappointment, some frustration, some uncertainty, but much love. I am trying not to think too hard about anything right now because I have a beautiful little boy who is so much fun right now (but when has he not been so much fun?!) and a husband who loves me even though I’m a bad wife sometimes (most times, recently). I need to drink those two up and forget the rest, and that’s what I’m trying really hard to do!
I am trying to be a better wife by cooking
more some meals at home. I selected an easy crock pot soup recipe that turned out to be easy, but labor-intensive. I know my way around a kitchen rather well, but I am the world’s slowest veggie chopper (I’m scared to death of cutting off my knuckles) – so this recipe took 1.3 hours to prep. Cue frustration.
I got started as Matthew ate his lunch – so he was pretty much on his own with his avocado and smoked pork. He’s not digging the smoked pork these days (need to switch to chicken, I think) and his avocado was a bit messy today – so he was not thrilled with his lunch.
Tomorrow… he will have left-over soup 😉
This is part of The Monday Snapshot, hosted by PAIL bloggers! Check it out!
We’re Driving to KC to see Steph, JJ, and Chloe (yay!) and Gangn.am Style came on. This is Matthew’s current favorite song! He loves pop and techno! B is starting to get used to it. I’m in heaven!
The ALI community sure has been busy this week taking part in the “To Mom or Not to Mom” Open Salon hosted by Keiko and Pamela. I am not one who really enjoys “assigned theme” posts because they feel too much like school to me (HA!) and I’m a terrible procrastinator (and a week to get my assignment done usually is not enough time). Hell, I buy the PAIL book club book every month and have yet to read one and take part in the discussion.
The question posed is do we pass or not when it comes to sharing our infertility story?
I have chosen “not to pass” since we first started trying to have a baby. I am an open book – I put almost everything on my blog because I have no filter and I’m just an over-sharer in general. I love to share – there – I said it!
But that is me. That is not you. Nor do I feel that it should be you.
“Should infertility disclosure be an obligation for members of this community?” No – absolutely not – but I feel that it is MY obligation. I feel that it is MY obligation to share our story with someone who I think may be struggling in an attempt to make them feel not so alone. I was lucky – I had close friends who both had struggled, or were struggling at the same time as us, with infertility. The three of us were, and still are, thick as thieves. We always will be. Those two ladies were my lifeline – they kept me sane. They kept me from taking B’s head off every.single.day because they were my outlet for sharing my frustrations, jealousy, and anxiety about our infertility.
Some people don’t have offline friends who have been through infertility – or at least – they don’t know they do. And that’s because some people decide to “take the pass” (which is fine). For those people – the ones who feel alone and isolated – I will always share our story. I will share our story if I know or think that you’re infertile or not – because if there’s any chance that you are (or that someone you know is) – I don’t want you (or them) to feel alone. If knowing that I’ve been through it too will bring some peace to just one person’s mind – then it’s all worth it to me.
No one should suffer alone. As long as I know you (or ran into you at the vet) – you won’t.
I took a leap of faith the day before my first beta.
I thought about the fact that I’d be wearing the exact same maternity clothes as I did with Matthew since I’d be due the same day, so I inventoried in my mind what I would need. I would need short-sleeved t-shirts. It’s fall right now – surely G.ap Maternity would have those types of shirts on a steep discount, right? (This is how I talk to myself in my head to justify shopping.)
I wondered if I could jinx things by going to check out their sales, or if I should wait.
I decided that was ridiculous – you can’t jinx a pregnancy.
I went. I bought 3 long-sleeved shirts and 3 short-sleeved ones (for $7-$9 each!).
And I bought these:
I mean – they were $6 each – what was I supposed to do? I thought about how holiday-specific they were and that if this pregnancy was a bust, that these would be a completely useless purchase. I then figured, if this pregnancy is a bust, I’ll just mail them on over to Belle!
I got my second beta today and it doubled in 39.5 hours. We are looking good so far and I’m eerily calm about this pregnancy. My ultrasound is scheduled within the next few weeks.
I should take leaps of faith more often.
Hell has frozen over in our house. This has NEVER happened. The big one does not like the little one at all. I actually feared for my life a little bit when the little one hopped up and the big one hissed at her. This was an hour ago – and they’re still going strong. Maybe things are changing around here?
Yesterday (Monday) and today have been hard for me.
A good friend texted me yesterday asking me how I’m doing. She asked when I’d hear for sure if we were, or were not pregnant. I informed her that I have known since last Tuesday (4dp5dt) and that my blood test would be the next day. We texted back and forth and then I got distracted – only to return to my phone to see, “Courtney, where are you? I need to talk to you.”
So I called her.
Turns out that she is pregnant too – and so I got excited for her! But she stopped me rather quickly and said that I’m only the second person she’s told because she needs to hear about how my miscarriage went.
She is due just a couple of weeks before we’ll be due, but her betas are not good. Long story short is that she had some spotting, went in to be seen, blood work was done, and they told her to come back (we all know the drill). She went back, they did an ultrasound, drew blood, and told her that she’s measuring 4.5 weeks for the gestational sac and that they see a yolk sac. Great! They were optimistic and told her that she probably has her dates wrong. But she doesn’t. She KNOWS that she should have been 5.5 weeks. And then the beta came back only increasing by 60% in 2 days.
I am not a “rah rah” person. I don’t believe in spreading false hope. It is very unlikely for you to hear me say, “it’s just too early to test,” or “I bet they measured wrong.” No – I tell it like it is.
So when this friend asked about my miscarriage and all the things leading up to it, I was honest. She asked about how my betas went and what they were specifically on what days past ovulation. The situation is eerily similar. And my heart broke into a million pieces for her.
I got my beta today – it was a great number – almost half of what she had at 5w5d (I’m 4w2d right now). Realizing that broke my heart for her almost immediately upon hearing my number. She wanted me to tell her my news, so I did. She got a beta too – and it isn’t what they were hoping for. Her doctor has gone from cautiously optimistic to preparing her for a miscarriage.
We both had betas today. One of us got good news, one of us did not.
She has an ultrasound tomorrow and I offered to go with her. Her husband wants me to go (he can’t because their daughter has the flu – and if she didn’t, I’d be watching her so they can go together) but she wants to go alone. I’m on standby for the phone call afterwards.
She told me that she just wants this over. That she’s not sad. That’s she’s numb. That she’s frustrated. I totally understand this because that’s how I felt when I was going through it. I told her that, and then I did something that I NEVER do.
I spread false hope. Because tonight, I have it for her.
We are satisfactorily pregnant! I was not nervous at all about the beta, and as I suspected, it was rather anticlimactic. Great news, of course, but we already knew that we had something going strong in there with all the HPT’s I’ve accumulated. I know they’re not quantitative, but they are qualitative and they’ve qualified my suspicions that HCG is rising adequately.
So we have another beta on Thursday to make sure we’re doubling appropriately. I am a bit nervous about that one. That one will be the climax of my week!
More later, but wanted to put this out there in case anyone is checking.
Our beta is tomorrow.
I won’t be posting the number here on my blog. I will simply notify if we’re looking good or not – but that is all.
And here’s why. We’ve been here before. We’ve been through 4 cycles now and so far, have 1.1 kids to show for them. We’ve had the flat-out negative beta, a questionable beta (ended in an empty sac), and a super high “it must be twins” beta. I learned very valuable lessons from each situation – the number means nothing specific and I don’t want speculation.
Speculation is normal. Everyone has their own experiences to draw from. We like to see other people with similar experiences (when they’re positive experiences). I’ve seen quite a few bloggers with high betas lately and most of their commenters say, “I bet it’s twins.” Well – I had an unusually high beta for 10dp5dt and betabase even had me at the highest end for twins. Turned out I did have twins, but lost one before the ultrasound (could see its sad little sac degenerating away). I always think about that when people post about their high betas, and then commenters chime in and speculate that twins are onboard. It literally nauseates me (because of my own personal experience).
So I will avoid all of that speculation in an attempt at self-preservation. But I will let you know if it’s looking good or not.
I also think that many blog posts (and their titles) announcing beta numbers and ultrasound results can be triggers for those TTC (#1 or #5 – it doesn’t really matter, right?). I’m not judging here – just saying it’s not my cup of tea. I am ultra-sensitive to this – I tend to follow lots of gals and guys still trying for their first take-home baby and I ache for them. I don’t want to post anything that could upset them, especially something that pops up in their reader when they could be having a rough day. I don’t want them to see my post title of “Baby on Board” and be caused even a moment of heartache.
So tomorrow, I will not be posting my beta numbers on my main blog. I may put them in my TTC timeline – I’m not sure yet. I do ask, though, that if I put the numbers there, please do not speculate within the comments as to what you think they mean.
This is weird territory for me, I feel like I’m straddling the fence. I am excited, but I’m also still an infertile who very much feels that pain. If I’m not feeling it for me, I’m feeling it for others. And the truth is, I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is who I am.