This post is my contribution to the PAIL monthly theme post. 

So here we are, it’s July and I’ve just finished up breastfeeding Matthew so that we can move onto TTC #2 with fertility treatments.  Yay.  😉  I am a little irritated that Matthew and I have to give up something that we both love just to try something.  There are no guarantees that it will work any time soon – and there is a part of my brain that is angry that we had to stop nursing just to attempt something that only has a 40% success rate.  But I need to get over it – because it is what it is.

I am ambivalent about TTC #2 (if you can’t tell!).  Working on #1 was very hard on me – it took 1 full year of trying naturally, then 2 IUI’s (both BFN’s), then a fresh IVF cycle (BFN), then a frozen cycle (very early miscarriage), and then another fresh IVF cycle (Matthew!).  From starting the TTC process to a successful ultrasound, it took us over 2.25 years.  2.25 years.  God, I hope it doesn’t take that long again!

For me, ideal child spacing would be about 3 years, but we don’t have that luxury.  I am 36, Matthew is very social and really needs a sibling ASAP, and… we have 7 embryos in the freezer.  We want to give them all a chance if we can, which means that we could be looking at TTC #3 if all goes well with #2 and we have a couple of embryos left over again.  In other words, we need to GET ON IT!  If I had my way, I would wait a little longer so that Matthew and I could have a little more “us time,” but I do forget that getting pregnant doesn’t yield us a baby for at least 8-9 months so there’s still plenty of “us time” ahead of us.  AND – the only reason I say that 3 years is ideal is because my little sister is 3 years younger than me and we are true besties – she was my very first love and always will be.  Maybe 2 years spacing would be ideal for my babies and that’s all that really matters.

And then there’s this… given what it takes for us to get pregnant, maybe my babies will end up being 3 years apart anyway.  We just never know.  And that’s the whole point of all of this, right?  We just don’t know what’s going to happen and we need to trust fate and just jump in feet first!

But… I do know that both my head and heart are ready to get started again.  We definitely want another baby (or two!) and we know that Matthew wants a little friend, so it’s time to make this happen.  I have no doubts that it will work, but the question is how long it will take and what all it will take.  Our RE has different ideas of what we’ll do if the first FET fails (he wants to do a fresh cycle, I’d like to try another FET… but he’s right – my age is an issue), so at this point, I just want it to work the first time so that I don’t have to make hard decisions.  That would be nice.  However, that would not be likely.

I do know that I will not allow myself to be as stressed out about this as I was when we were trying desperately to get Matthew.  We have one baby already and that is all we need – we are complete with him.  I have written about this several times – I feel it deep down in my soul that Matthew completed our family for us.  Every baby after him is an extra cherry on top of our sundae (and I love cherries!)!  We are no longer looking at being childless, so that makes TTC #2 way easier on an emotional level.  Sure, I’ll throw my heart and soul into it, but I have a little boy who warms my heart and completes my soul.  He gives me strength.  He gives me happiness.  He gives me peace.  I will kindly take those gifts from him and use them to make this process easier on us ALL (B included).  I assure you, and myself, of that.