I had my mammogram first thing this morning, followed up by an ultrasound.  When they did the mammogram the second time, there was discharge so that’s still happening.  The ultrasound was right after the mammogram and right away, I could see on the screen what is causing this problem.  In fact, right after the tech left the room, I texted Hottie, “From my medical perspective (I have none), I saw a node on the screen.  I bet there is a cyst.”  He said, “Don’t diagnose yourself.  Let’s wait for the radiologist’s results.”

I didn’t have to wait long.  When the tech finished up, she said, “I’m going to go talk to the radiologist to make sure I got what she needs, and she’ll want to come talk to you.”  Yep… never what you want to hear.  The radiologist only comes in when there’s something to talk about.

What I saw on the screen was correct – there is something in there.  First thing she said was, “you’re going to see a breast surgeon as soon as we can get you in.”  I didn’t get upset because she was quick to tell me that there is something there, that it’s probably just a cyst, but that they can’t biopsy it because it’s small and within some very dense breast tissue.  It has to come out, and they’ll likely take the entire duct it’s attached to.  After they remove it, it will be tested.

Then she handed me a card of a surgeon who they and my OB prefer… and he’s my friend’s husband.  He is very renowned here for his surgery skills (was rated the surgeon that all other doctors in the area would send their family to) and it’s not weird to me to have him do it, so I’m waiting for a call to get that scheduled.

Good times.

I’m fine, I’m not worried.  It’s just a hassle and it was a little traumatic when she said, “you’re going to see a breast surgeon,” because that’s the first thing I heard when we found my bone tumor and that situation was very difficult (way worse than both C-sections combined).  But – this is not the same thing and I got over the shock quickly.

I have not cried at all over this, which is a good sign.

Now… I wait for a phone call from my doctor or the surgeon…

(This post has quite a bit of “TMI,” so feel free to skip it if you don’t want to read about boob issues.)

Why do our breasts need to be such a bother sometimes?  During puberty, they hurt, which is normal.  During pregnancy, they hurt, which is normal.  As we’re attempting to breastfeed our babies, they hurt, which is normal (even though the “breast is best” machine tells us that it’s not supposed to hurt).  Even after breastfeeding is well established, they can hurt due to mastitis and plugged ducts, which is… NORMAL (but needs to be dealt with).

When you’re 40 and done gestating and nursing babies, hurting breasts are “not normal.”  Breasts that have a discharge are, “definitely not normal.”  I have both on the right side.

I noticed it the morning I ran my half marathon, as I was getting dressed and before I ran.  My right nipple hurt, like it was bruised, but nothing else did.  I blamed the running I’d been doing and went on my way.  After the race and once I was back at my parents’ house, I thought about it again as I noticed the nagging pain.  My little sister said, “I bet it’s from running.  As long as there’s nothing coming out.  Is there anything coming out?”

I hadn’t thought of that.  So, we gave it a try and… yes… something comes out.

Damn it.

My family has a long history of breast cancer, and my youngest aunt on my mom’s side is going to die from it here soon (I just found out two weeks ago that it’s stage 4 and mutating rapidly, and therefore only a matter of time).  My sister told my mom about my issue and she became concerned and they both insisted that I call my doctor first thing on Monday.  One of my younger cousins had the same thing a while back and it all turned out OK, so when my mom told me that, I assumed that this really was no biggie.  So I did what any non-alarmist would do and sent an email to my doctor’s nurse Sunday night so that I didn’t need to bother anyone on Monday when the office opened.

She scheduled me for an appointment right away – first available appointment.  I found out that they move people around to make room for people in my situation.  Hmmm… I started thinking that maybe this is a big deal.  We discussed the symptoms and the doctor said it is not from running since I had a rest day before I noticed the pain and because I wear the same type of bra every time I run.  We were all hoping it was from running, so this discussion deflated me a bit.

The discharge was collected and sent to the lab.  I was then instructed to get blood work to make sure it’s not elevated prolactin levels because that would indicate a growth in my head putting pressure on the pituitary gland.  I was scheduled for the first available mammogram and ultrasound.  My head was spinning and I asked if she would be concerned if she was me.

“We are going down all paths at the same time to minimize worry.”

Not the answer I wanted, but she’s right.  And as she says, this is very likely nothing.  BUT – because of the family history of breast cancer and because breast discharge is NEVER normal, they need to investigate it until all paths are trodden.

I am not worried.  I was worried right after my appointment but I never cried.  When I had a bone tumor in my rib that they first thought was a breast lump and they had me scheduled with a breast surgeon immediately after my mammogram – that’s when I cried.  I wasn’t able to function back then when that was going on.  This?  Not worried.

I woke up today to no pain – which is great!  And my prolactin tests came back just fine so there are no growths in my head, also great news!  Still waiting on the lab work on the discharge and then I have my mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow morning first thing.  I will know for sure this week if this is anything to worry about, but I’m sure it’s not.

We will have done every test imaginable, put my breasts through lots of exams and discomfort, and caused my parents to worry (my dad is shaken, which surprises me) and it will be for nothing, which will be good.  But still… a lot of drama for nothing.

All I can think right now is, “damn boobs.”

Bryson woke up at 5:05 and I’d volunteered the night before to get up with him. I sprinted down the hallway and told him, as I held him to my chest, that it was too early to be up and that I needed him to snuggle with me in the chair. I say that most mornings and he usually mocks me, but this morning, he snuggled in for almost an hour.

When Bryson finally announced, at 5:55, that he was “all done I want to go downstairs,” I was satisfied. We headed downstairs and I got dressed to run on the treadmill while Bryson watched Blaze. It was a nice, easy run with few interruptions. At one point, though, my heart paused and my head said, “today is the day. If she isn’t gone already, she will be soon.”

I knew we wouldn’t make it in time.

I’d sent Jenny’s husband and dad a text about bringing lunch for everyone, and it took too long to hear back. I finally got a text that she’d passed about a half hour earlier. 10:33. I’ll never forget it.

Jenny’s husband then called and said that they would love lunch since no one had eaten, so we got that setup as we rolled into town. He then texted saying he had gone home, but to take the food to the family and then to come hang out with him. I was glad he wanted company.

I wasn’t sure how it was all going to go, but I was pretty nervous walking into hospice. We saw Jenny’s parents first and spent some time with them. They sent us to Jenny’s waiting area where the rest of the family was. Her sister was dressing her in something that she would have liked, not a hospital gown. What a great sister.

Jenny’s aunt asked if we wanted to see her. I really, really did want to see her. I was surprised by that reaction, but I almost couldn’t get up fast enough to go and sit with her. Hottie came with me and we sat with her for a bit. Death and dead bodies don’t really bother me – it’s the final phase of life that happens to us all. I was, though, a little afraid to see my dead friend.

My dead friend.

She looked wonderful. She looked peaceful. I immediately pulled up a chair, grabbed ahold of her hands, and started to talk to her. I talked for a long time, so long that Hottie left the room. No one else was waiting to see her just then, so I stayed with her, and I talked to her. Good god, I did a lot of talking. Every word out of my mouth felt more and more natural, and I felt more and more at peace.

I know Jenny’s dad came in to check on us, and he and I talked. We both talked to her. I think her mom came in, I’m not sure. I swear she did. A nurse came in and I learned first hand how hospice nurses know just what to say at just the right moment. I was terrified to leave her alone in that room, so I just stayed.

Eventually, I got up to see if I was keeping anyone from her. Hottie wanted to get to Ben, so we decided it was time to leave. We heard that she was being cremated tonight, so we took one final look at her, blew her a kiss, and left.

It felt wonderful to see Ben. He needed an open, honest, light conversation, and that’s what the three of us had. It was nice. He told us all about her final week and I am so glad I didn’t see Jenny like that. The last time we spoke, she was rather well and smiling. I’m glad that’s my last memory of her.

Their son woke up and they needed to get back to hospice to see Jenny one last time. Ben wanted to change clothes so we got E ready to go. Hugging him was like hugging his mom. It was hard to let go. As we all walked down the stairs together, Ben said, “let’s go see Mommy.”

My heart broke.

We lost a dear friend today. But our dear friend lost his wife. And a sweet 2 year old lost his mom. And a kind couple lost their first-born. And two younger sisters lost their oldest sister. Everybody lost someone very special today. Only Jenny gained. Jenny is at peace now, and as hard as it is for everyone left behind, there is comfort in her peace.

Fly free, Jenny! I love you.