After reading many posts this morning about the ache we feel for more babies, I decided it was time to get up for the day (we had a horrid night last night). I dragged my tired ass into the bathroom to “put my eyes in” and brush my teeth. I’m neurotic about plaque build-up so opened my cabinet to find my little plaque pick.
There are subtle reminders everywhere in our house that we hope, long, for a third baby. The BFPs under my sink, the swings we keep (even though our kids have never liked them, really), the ointments that don’t work for Bryson but could for another baby, the leftover newborn (and sizes 1, 2, and 3) diapers. They’re everywhere, and I accept it because I KNOW they’re there.
But in my top bathroom cabinet, the one I share with B… well… I didn’t know they were there too. Seeing it, I wondered, “why is that back here? Oh yeah.” And I pushed it aside, leaving it where it is, hoping it sees the light of day again at the end of the year.
Hope, pain, excitement, an eye roll, and the ache. Oh, the ache of not knowing if our family is complete or not is just killing me. I’d transfer those five embryos tomorrow if the timing wasn’t all wrong, just to know our fate. Just to know what my family is going to look like. Just to put the hope and uncertainty behind me, so that I can move on with whichever flavor of “the ache” is going to accompany me through the next phase of my life. Will I ache for the third baby that never was, or will I ache for babyhood in general while gazing at three beautiful children?
I just don’t know.
(Do you see it?)
We’re all in my bed, finishing up naps. Bryson slept 1.75 hours in his crib before fussing and coming in to snuggle with us. I’m nursing him and he’s out cold again, which I just love!
Matthew stirs a lot in his sleep and will reach over and flutter his fingers, clearly reaching for something. Every time Bryson’s here with us and Matthew’s fingers touch his head, he then puts his whole hand on Bryson’s head, pats it a bit, and settles down with his hand on his brother’s head. He never opens his eyes. This just melts my heart every.single.time.
It just happened a minute ago:
Matthew loves hanging out with Bryson in his crib after he wakes from his morning nap. If I forget this little ritual, believe me, I hear about it!
Matthew gets a little wound up sometimes, and can topple right out of the crib, so it’s hard to take pics and keep a watchful eye. But on this day, I got a couple of good ones that capture this little nugget of fun in our daily lives! (Matthew is telling Bryson about the light and sound device in the corner of the crib – apparently, it’s hilarious!)
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a generally happy person. I’ve had my years of therapy and antidepressant/anti-anxiety treatments in the past, which let me just say were very much needed, but in general, I’m happy. I say things like, “things are what you make of them,” and, “everything happens for a reason,” because I generally believe it’s true. I don’t say those things to diminish anyone else’ situations and would never say them to someone I know is having a hard time, but I believe those things for myself.
But holy hell – our household has not been generally happy the past week. Matthew has been unbearably whiny and Bryson has been the sickest he’s ever been, ending with a decent (and our first ever) episode of croup. I couldn’t sleep last night because I thought I needed to get sick as I froze my ass off under several blankets, and this morning was worse. Just when I drifted off for a nap, Bryson woke up after a too-short nap. Then my in laws popped over (which I actually encouraged and enjoyed). By nap time, we were all spent. Bryson, still very much unhappy and sick, slept 2.5 hours in his crib without a peep, and Matthew and I slept in my bed for 2 hours. It was needed. I instantly felt better. We all did.
Poor Bryson is so stoic these recent days, but he got to bathe alone tonight which meant he got the whole tub to himself for the first time! And finally, FINALLY, I got to see my baby boy smile from ear to ear over and over again.
I needed this today. I needed someone else’ happy to take me back to my own happy.
I’m hoping I get a lot more of these smiles this week, but for now, I’ll take what I can get and make the most of it!
B put a new camera in Matthew’s room so that we can try to get rid of one of the monitors on my nightstand. The picture is perfectly clear, letting us see exactly what is going on. Poor kid… He’s going to have a hard time getting away with anything now. Ha ha!
And here’s our poor little guy with croup. He looks like he always does in these photos, but I really appreciate being able to see his chest movements tonight with the video streamed to my phone. The minute he wakes up, he’s coming into our room to sleep in the pack and play. I hate not having him with us when he’s so sick, but I wanted him to fall asleep in his familiar space.