After posting yesterday, I read a post from Belle and it really made me want to POAS.  I mean, it was an urge like no other.  At 3.75dp5dt – I just had to do it.  (How crazy is that?)

Once the deed was done (third pee of the day – after only 2 hours of build-up time), I felt instantly better.  All my tension had been released.  Even before seeing the control line, I felt GOOD.  I could move on with my day.

After 3 minutes, I checked that little test and I thought I saw a shadow of a line – but I’m a veteran – I know where those lines are supposed to be.  My eyes were probably putting that second line there.  So I assumed it was a “crazy lady line” and moved on with my day.  It was so crazy that I told myself I would not even show it to B, because it’s not really there and he’ll think I’m… CRAZY.

I swore to SRB that I wouldn’t POAS again until this morning.

And then I headed to Tar.get for more tests because I was clean out and I wanted to be prepared for today with FMU and a batch of tests (of course, right?).

I texted my “bad influence” friend who always encourages me to test early.  😉  (K – I love you!)  I told her about my crazy line and she asked if I’d test later that night.  No – I’ll wait.  She said to test.  I knew she would say that – and that may be why I texted her in the first place.

The evening came and I was feeling great – didn’t even mention my crazy (non-existent) line to B.  No problem.

But then, as Matthew was being all cute and loving – I felt like I was cheating on him thinking about the possibility of Baby #2.  And just like that, I had to POAS again.  I had just used the bathroom an hour earlier, and didn’t even need to really pee – I just had to POAS.  I quietly excused myself (I slow-ran down the hallway = PATHETIC!).

I returned with stick in hand – there was a line.  I saw it, B saw it, it shows up on photos.  At 4.3dp5dt (we transferred at 2:30 PM on Friday), I had my definitive BFP!  I then showed B the “crazy lady” test from earlier in the morning (3.75dp5dt) and he saw it rather easily.  I knew ALL day that I was pregnant – but I didn’t let myself really KNOW IT!

Of course I tested this morning and the line is even darker.  5dp5dt (I am no longer splitting hairs and saying 4.7dp5dt – OK – that’s the last one, I promise!) and I have a BFP.  It has never happened this early!

I know it’s early – we’ve been here before.  As B said last night, we are tentative until we hear the number from the doctor.  But this is a great start!

For now – the FET worked.  That is all I need – to know that it works – that it can work – even for US!

Greetings from bed rest.  This is much harder with a toddler in the house – man alive Matthew is requiring lots of attention and it’s hard not being able to give it to him.

Our transfer was scheduled for 2:00, which meant that Matthew had to be at the sitter’s at 1:40 – which was only 1.5 hours into his (wonderfully long) nap.  We woke him up at 1:30 to take him to the neighbor’s (his best friends V & W) so that their mom could watch him while we did the transfer.  (V & W are IVF twins so their mom knows the drill and has been so very helpful to us this cycle!  We trade babysitting services and it’s wonderful!)  It was actually fun to wake him up together – we went in and slowly turned his light on, which didn’t wake him up at all (poor tired boy) so we went and stood by the crib as I talked softly to him and B rubbed his back.  He woke up happy, even if it was 1.5 hours too early.  He was pretty excited to see us both and was even more excited to see his friends.  W was the only one up from his nap and greeted us at the door.  We kissed Matthew goodbye, told him to go show W his cup, and off he went.  As did we.

We arrived right on time (my offline friends are reading this now, shocked that we weren’t late) and S, my favorite nurse, took us back to get changed.  I was ready to ask some questions.

Me:  How many do we have?

S:  Two.

Me:  How many did we need to thaw to get them?

S:  Just the two.

Me:  Seriously?

S:  Yep!  You still have five left.

So there it is.  We are still holding strong at our 100% thaw rate.  YES!  If this works, that means we’re going back for Baby #3 in a couple of years.  More importantly, if this does not work, we have 5 left to use.  I wasn’t really that surprised, because the first time we did this (July 2010), the two they used survived the thaw with no problem.  But it’s always nice to hear it.  For it to be real!

I took a note from Belle and Shannon and wore special socks for the transfer.  The procedure room is so cold, and I usually just wear the booties they give you but I thought some special socks were in order.  I hate being cold AND just in case this works, I can tell this baby that, “I wore these specific socks when you were put in my uterus” (at which point the child would respond with, “what’s a uterus and why didn’t I get there the normal way?”).  I don’t believe in hocus pocus but I wanted to do something different, and FUN for this transfer.

I got the photo of my embryos and immediately I could decipher how they were doing.

The top right one is hatching (that’s the bubble on the right) and the lower left one had not yet expanded fully.  I didn’t say anything because this is an FET and that’s why they don’t usually give you photos (because they don’t usually look like fresh embryos due to re-expansion).  Often times, the blasts re-expand once they’re transferred and all is well.  I know this.  I kept my mouth shut knowing that they did me the favor of printing the photo  🙂

Dr. Y came in and greeted us, cheery as always.  He made small talk with us before discussing the embryos with K.  K said that the first one was terrific and was already hatching (HA!) and took off immediately in the dish.  The other one was, “not doing anything,” but afterwards, they explained that they can take a while to “take off.”  He made it sound like the expansion and hatching of the other one was a quick and unusual, and he sounded happy about that.

I have high hopes for that top right one.  😉

It was time to transfer and, as anyone who’s done this before knows, it’s no big deal and it’s over before you know it.  They inserted the catheter, transferred them under ultrasound guidance, and then verified that they were all in there.  This time – they were not all in there.  “The big one,” as K stated it, was still in the catheter so they had to reload it and transfer again.  No biggie.  I did say, “well that’s the one we want!”  At that point, they said that the other one has good potential too.  After the second transfer, K gave them the “all clear” and we were left to rest for 30 minutes.

No biggie at all.

Here’s a photo of the embryos in my uterus.  They placed them right next to each other (they pick the specific spot at an earlier appointment during the mock transfer, so they worked to get #2 right next to #1 since they didn’t go in together).  The bright spot in the middle of the orange circle is the embryos huddled together:

During our 30 minute rest, K (the embryologist) came in and gave us the straws the embryos had been stored in.  We’ve never gotten those before!  He said that he could tell that we were the type of people (or that I’m the type of person) who would want those for memories’ sake.  YES PLEASE!  It was neat to see them and hold them.  They were labeled with our names, date of freezing (10/12/10 for one and 10/13/10 for the other), and “1xBlast” each (meaning there was only one blast in each – they usually store two in each if possible).

Our 30 minutes were up and it was time to go.  They scheduled my beta for 10/23.  They scheduled it a day early (11 days versus 12 days) and I didn’t say anything because HELL YES I’ll take that beta a day early (I do not believe this was a favor – I think it was a mis-calculation on their part which is just fine)!  It’s also good because we’ll be in KC (hello, Steph and JJ!) on the 25th which would have made beta #2 hard to get done if we did the first one on the 24th.  This way, we’ll do beta #1 on 10/23 and then beta #2 (if this works) on 10/25 before we leave town.  PERFECT!

Now we’re all in the basement and we’ve just eaten dinner.  B is taking good care of us both!  Matthew is super tired with only 1.5 hours of naps under him, so I expect him to go to sleep easily tonight.  I’m sad that I won’t see how easily he goes down – I’m not allowed to rock him since it will take more than 10 minutes and he climbs on me like a jungle gym.  B gets the honor tonight and tomorrow night… but come Sunday, I’m taking that job back!

(Actually, I’m updating to say that I did get to rock Matthew to sleep today and I absorbed every moment of it.  I breathed him in!)

Oh – and the 2 hour massage was unreal!  I am adding that to my IVF/FET protocols in the future.  I have never been so relaxed.  I am prescribing it to anyone else who does IVF/FET in the future as well!

I walked out of the clinic today with the diagnosis of a “perfect, thick lining” and no prescription in hand for smurf pills.

Transfer is set for 2:00 next Friday.  I have a 2 hour massage booked beforehand.

This cycle is going better than I assumed it would  😉

No blue lady bits for me this time, thank you very much!

One more lupron shot before we move on to bigger and better things (PIO shots on Monday).  I will not miss you, Lupron… you big, fat cow!

I have an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow to see how I’m doing.  I’m fully expecting them to put me on estrace tablets that go in parts that make me shudder.  As Belle put it so appropriately today, I am gearing up for having “smurf-colored” lady parts here soon.  Fantastic!

This FET cycle has been a breeze so far.  I honestly forget about it most days and need reminders on my phone to ensure I get my shots and take my meds.  This is a good thing!  I do fully expect to feel emotionally vested, though, once those embryos are put back where they belong next Friday.

I’m assuming this won’t work for us (we never get lucky and fall on the good side of the odds – and this procedure has a 40% success rate), but I sure hope it does!  I am trying to remain positive because you never know.  It has to work for someone, right?  Would be nice if it’s us this time …  🙂

… How I hate you sometimes.

I had my baseline blood work yesterday.  I went by myself (my choice) and chatted it up with the receptionist who was on maternity leave when we were in the office a month or so ago.  She showed me pictures of her baby and I couldn’t help but wonder if our conversation was making the others in the waiting room uncomfortable.  Hmm… not sure what to think of that.  Anyway, it was so nice seeing her!

The phlebotomist called me back just as my favorite embryologist caught a glimpse of me.  She told the phlebotomist that we’d take the long way around and meet her in the back.  I got to chat with H (my VERY favorite person there!!!) and she told me that she was just reviewing the charts and info on our frozen embryos.  You know, that made me feel good, knowing that they’re already planning their work and working their plan.  It made me feel so much like a real person and not just a patient ID.

I took the opportunity to ask her if she thinks we should use the embryos from our failed fresh cycle (in which I stimmed too quickly at the end and ended up with some minor OHSS) or the ones from Matthew’s cycle.  Matthew’s cycle resulted in two 4BB embryos (which translates to still excellent status) but the failed fresh cycle has a few 4AB/4BA’s in there.  She said it’s up to me.  I don’t want it to be up to me!  I told her that I TOTALLY trust her (their) judgement and will go with what they suggest, that I was just curious.

I’ve always wondered if that first cycle resulted in “over-cooked” eggs and bad embryos.  I mean, it did fail and then the FET from it ended in an early loss (empty sac – I have a hard time calling that a miscarriage since there really was no baby at all).   She said that the only indication of embryo quality is how they appear at the end, after a few days to grow.  She said that all of ours look terrific so she’ll pick the ones that looked the best at freeze time.  (Of our 7 embryos, they are all 4BB and above – all baby-grade embryos.  We shall see.)

TERRIFIC!  This put me at ease in regards to those embryos from IVF #1.  I trust H completely so if she says they’re good – they’re good.  That’s enough for me!  I am not going to wonder anymore.  I heard it straight from the person I trust the most – so I am done questioning it.  Period.

I then asked the (stupid) question – the one I KNOW not to ask.  I asked if she thinks we have a baby in those 7 embryos – if she thinks that we’ll get a baby out of an FET.  She said yes.  Without hesitation, without thinking, she said, “Courtney, I do.”  I then said that our plan is to do just 2 FET’s before moving to a fresh cycle (if needed – I’m hoping it’s not) and asked, “do you think we’ll get a baby within 2 FET’s?”  Again – she said yes.  I then looked her square in the eyes and asked, “are you just telling me what you think I want to hear, or are you telling me what you really think?”

“I REALLY think you will get a baby out of 2 frozen cycles.”

And with that, hope crept back into my life.

I think I was happier assuming this wouldn’t work.  😉

***

On a side-note, I have totally stuck it to that bitch, LUPRON, and dropped 4 pounds.  I took her evil as an opportunity to shore up my eating habits and fix some things.  I was eating too much… well… drinking too much.  I was getting a coffee drink every.single.day.  Why?  I don’t know.  I needed something sweet.  No excuse though.  I stopped doing that but did get one this morning because I had a rough night full of nightmares and constant tossing and turning (more evil side-effects from that bitchy injection).  I needed caffeine, and I wanted something hot.  Campfire mocha it was…. and it was delicious!

I am moody from the shot, or at least I think I am.  I’m far from depressed or blue (like I was those 2.25 years of TTC), but I have moments of impatience that I didn’t have a week ago.  I told B about this so that he knows I’m aware  😉

***

My sister isn’t coming for a visit anymore… her mini-van wouldn’t start.  Poor thing.  She’s coming next week, or the week after.  This is the story of our visits to one another.  I’ve cancelled/delayed many visits in the past as well.  We’re cool with it!