All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Oh Hope…


… How I hate you sometimes.

I had my baseline blood work yesterday.  I went by myself (my choice) and chatted it up with the receptionist who was on maternity leave when we were in the office a month or so ago.  She showed me pictures of her baby and I couldn’t help but wonder if our conversation was making the others in the waiting room uncomfortable.  Hmm… not sure what to think of that.  Anyway, it was so nice seeing her!

The phlebotomist called me back just as my favorite embryologist caught a glimpse of me.  She told the phlebotomist that we’d take the long way around and meet her in the back.  I got to chat with H (my VERY favorite person there!!!) and she told me that she was just reviewing the charts and info on our frozen embryos.  You know, that made me feel good, knowing that they’re already planning their work and working their plan.  It made me feel so much like a real person and not just a patient ID.

I took the opportunity to ask her if she thinks we should use the embryos from our failed fresh cycle (in which I stimmed too quickly at the end and ended up with some minor OHSS) or the ones from Matthew’s cycle.  Matthew’s cycle resulted in two 4BB embryos (which translates to still excellent status) but the failed fresh cycle has a few 4AB/4BA’s in there.  She said it’s up to me.  I don’t want it to be up to me!  I told her that I TOTALLY trust her (their) judgement and will go with what they suggest, that I was just curious.

I’ve always wondered if that first cycle resulted in “over-cooked” eggs and bad embryos.  I mean, it did fail and then the FET from it ended in an early loss (empty sac – I have a hard time calling that a miscarriage since there really was no baby at all).   She said that the only indication of embryo quality is how they appear at the end, after a few days to grow.  She said that all of ours look terrific so she’ll pick the ones that looked the best at freeze time.  (Of our 7 embryos, they are all 4BB and above – all baby-grade embryos.  We shall see.)

TERRIFIC!  This put me at ease in regards to those embryos from IVF #1.  I trust H completely so if she says they’re good – they’re good.  That’s enough for me!  I am not going to wonder anymore.  I heard it straight from the person I trust the most – so I am done questioning it.  Period.

I then asked the (stupid) question – the one I KNOW not to ask.  I asked if she thinks we have a baby in those 7 embryos – if she thinks that we’ll get a baby out of an FET.  She said yes.  Without hesitation, without thinking, she said, “Courtney, I do.”  I then said that our plan is to do just 2 FET’s before moving to a fresh cycle (if needed – I’m hoping it’s not) and asked, “do you think we’ll get a baby within 2 FET’s?”  Again – she said yes.  I then looked her square in the eyes and asked, “are you just telling me what you think I want to hear, or are you telling me what you really think?”

“I REALLY think you will get a baby out of 2 frozen cycles.”

And with that, hope crept back into my life.

I think I was happier assuming this wouldn’t work.  😉


On a side-note, I have totally stuck it to that bitch, LUPRON, and dropped 4 pounds.  I took her evil as an opportunity to shore up my eating habits and fix some things.  I was eating too much… well… drinking too much.  I was getting a coffee drink  Why?  I don’t know.  I needed something sweet.  No excuse though.  I stopped doing that but did get one this morning because I had a rough night full of nightmares and constant tossing and turning (more evil side-effects from that bitchy injection).  I needed caffeine, and I wanted something hot.  Campfire mocha it was…. and it was delicious!

I am moody from the shot, or at least I think I am.  I’m far from depressed or blue (like I was those 2.25 years of TTC), but I have moments of impatience that I didn’t have a week ago.  I told B about this so that he knows I’m aware  😉


My sister isn’t coming for a visit anymore… her mini-van wouldn’t start.  Poor thing.  She’s coming next week, or the week after.  This is the story of our visits to one another.  I’ve cancelled/delayed many visits in the past as well.  We’re cool with it!

Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

16 thoughts on “Oh Hope…

  1. After all the stories I hear of lupron and it being an evil bitch…I’m really glad I didn’t ever have to use it….I feel for you…BUT way to go on showing her up by losing the 4 pounds…that’s awesome….Good luck with this cycle….I’m crossing everything for you!

  2. HOPE is a good thing. Having hope will not make disappointment worse. Preparing for the worst never makes it easier for that first punch to land, you know? It just makes you flinch harder. And when you flinch, you can’t get ready to hit back. That’s what hope is – your own right hook!

    What this ill-attempted boxing metaphor means is, H thinks you have a TKO in two rounds. She is a seasoned boxing professional. 🙂

  3. I’m glad you have hope!! A positive attitude in situations like these is good, so if all it took was hearing from the person you trust the most that a baby WILL come out of 2 FET’s then yay!!! She sounds like a smart lady and I believe her too. 🙂 Sorry to hear your sister isn’t going to make it this weekend, but maybe that will give you some time to get ready for her trip, if you in fact needed any time.

  4. I definitely have a lot of hope for you! You WILL have your second baby- you just will! BTW, just saw you were on Twitter- following you now 🙂 I don’t say a lot on there, but like to follow along! Have a great weekend!

    • I will follow you too! I don’t write much at all. Twitter confuses me because I’m always late to get in on the action. HA!

      You have a wonderful birthday weekend with your boy!!!!

  5. I do understand completely your fear of hope. It gets you excited and then if it doesn’t work it makes everything worse. In saying that you are a natural optimist so you know what enjoy the hope this may work sooner rather than later and don’t let it damper your sunny outlook on life x

  6. Nothing like getting hopeful news from a trusted source! I’m feeling pretty optimistic for you, too. 🙂

    Way to stick it to Lupron!

  7. I like hope. It keeps us going, makes all the shots and appointments easier. I’m glad you found some! I have hope for you too!!!

    Nice work kicking Lupron’s ass! Woohoo!

  8. Yay for hope!!! I liked this post. 🙂

  9. I have always found that hope helps me but I know it can be a double edge sword too! I wish you the best and hope your FET brings you a happy & healthy pregnancy!!

  10. For all the times I’ve tried to dampen hope with the urge to make disappointment less painful, it’s never worked. Good for you for letting the hope creep in! Also, I love your doctor.

  11. I agree with what SRB said above – having hope doesn’t make the failure any greater. But it DOES make the interrim better. Hope is important. And the EXPERT is hopeful so you definitely should be too!!!

    And your clinic seriously sounds wonderful. You have such a great relationship with all of those people. LUCKY! 😉

  12. Pingback: Fucking Hope « No Baby Ruth

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