All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

On Earning It

24 Comments

When this transfer was done, I thought of our remaining five embryos and felt such peace knowing that if this cycle doesn’t work, there will be others.

THERE WILL BE OTHERS.

I know that FET’s work – one of my best friends is proof of it.  Many out there blogging are proof of it.  A friend of a friend is proof of it.  It can work, and why can’t it work for us?

Well, it can.

And we’ve earned it.

“Deserve” is not a term I use often (ever?) – because I don’t really believe in it.  I believe you usually get what you get with the amount of work you put into something – or – sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don’t (which is the case with IF).  It’s that simple to me.  Does anyone “deserve” anything over anyone else?  I truly do not believe they do in most situations.  The word, “deserve,” implies entitlement to me, and I don’t believe in entitlement except when it comes to things such as family building.  I believe everyone “deserves” the family they want in their hearts, and no matter what journey anyone has travelled to get there, they don’t “deserve” it any more than anyone else.

So I won’t use that word here.

Some people have to work harder at building their families, and some don’t.  That’s just how it goes.  It’s sort of like life – some people always seem to land on their feet, when other people seem to struggle at every turn.  Many people earn their families more easily than others, and many of us fight the hard fight to get there.

Some harder than others.

And that’s OK.

I will never believe that I worked as hard as someone who has lost several babies, or suffered a stillbirth or infant death.  I truly believe that people suffering from RPL, stillbirth, and infant loss worked harder for what they earned in the end.

Right or wrong, I just do.

I can say, however, that after 2.5 years of trying for babies, having my ovaries probed twice, experiencing some very scary OHSS, getting hundreds of burning shots in the stomach, getting over 100 IM shots in my butt, having 2 unsuccessful IUI’s, having 4 transfers, and experiencing 1 early miscarriage – this cycle, as easy as it’s been, is hard-earned.

If it’s successful – we most definitely earned it (and it would also be a spot of luck).

It it’s unsuccessful – there will be others.

THERE WILL BE OTHERS.

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

24 thoughts on “On Earning It

  1. It’s true, having those frosties on ice is a great comfort in case this cycle fails. But I’m hoping you won’t even need to touch those other embryos (at least not until you’re going for #3…)! Everything crossed for you lady!

  2. I agree. We all work so hard, and suffer so much… some more than others… and we deserve to have families. There are only a few things that I think everyone deserves… to be born into a loving family environment and to be able to create said loving family environment for their own children… (and freedom from oppression, and basic liberties, etc. ) I hope this cycle works. You have earned it!

    • I love your disclaimer (freedom from oppression, basic liberties, etc.) – that is true. I like how you put it – you sum it up well. We deserve to be born into love, and then give that love away to our own kids.

      Thank you!

  3. “Deserve” in the context of pregnancy in general (and within the ALI spectrum spectrum) really, really bothers me. It is up to absolutely no one to definitively opine on who “deserves” to be pregnant, and who doesn’t. Who has it easier, and who has it harder as we all have completely different limitations and tolerance for soul-crushing pain. It is such a knife in the heart when you wonder if they mean you. For me, the bottom line is that everyone is deserving of unconditional love and support from at least one other person on this Earth. We deserve family, in whatever form that may take. But everything else? Who can make those decisions? No one.

    I am just gobsmacked that we seem to have posted at exactly the same time this morning. I know the notion of “my reality” has affected us both very much lately, and ultimately, it helps us (all) to be advocates for our selves and our own well-being. We EARNED that. Good on you, lady.

    • I know – I swear we live parallel lives. Boys the same age, same values, same blog posts at the exact same time? Meeting you, my friend, was fate looking out for me and finding me exactly what/who I needed 😉

  4. I had a comment all written out and couldn’t get the wording just right….I do like the idea of working hard to earn a reward. I think all of us in the ALI community have worked hard, yes some of us more than others, but we have all gone above and beyond a normal fertile. I like this post and appreciate the concept of earning rather than being entitled to things…

  5. Good points. I also hate the word “deserve” and I really hate when people feel entitled to anything. But yes, you’ve earned these babies- really, really hope this cycle works out for you!

    • Thank you!

      I do think I’ve used “deserve” in comments on your blog – and I truly believe that you, my friend, DESERVE all the good days that come your way. You and your family are an inspiration!

  6. I am one of those people who have had to earn every single thing I have. Nothing has ever been easy for me. But it has all seemed to work out in the end … big or small things in my life … eventually I get there. And for me, I think I need my life to be like this so I can have an appreciation for things that I may not have had otherwise. My son is a great example of this. When I’m struggling with him (whether it be a temper tantrum, a tough night of no sleep, etc.), I always come back to the place of wanting children so bad and struggling so hard to get there and then the moment just doesn’t seem as difficult.

    I really really really want this FET to work for you. I want you to have your second child. And I am keeping everything crossed that you have already put in your “hard” time. FETs are no easy feat! I went crazier on the drugs leading up to my FET than I did on the fresh IVF drugs. I am hoping beyond hope that this is the one for you.

  7. You certainly have earned it! Hoping those frosties stay on ice and this one sticks for you!

  8. Ahhhh, I had written out a whole long comment and then got distracted at work, came back to your post and hit refresh before realizing I hadn’t hit save! Anyway…the gist of what I said was that I love your positive attitude and agree with your definition of “deserve” as it relates to IF. THEN I went on to say, what if are successful this time AND there are others??!! 🙂

  9. I like how you reframe deserve to earned. I used to say deserve in a lot of respects, but after joining this blogging world, I saw a post about the word deserve, and how it can cut too deep for those that don’t end up with the child they so much want. But earned seems different somehow. I’m just like you – there’s a great comfort in knowing that there are still 5 frosties waiting for me if this doesn’t work out. But oh I hope this ends up with a child!!!

  10. When I was gearing up for transfer #6 I had a lot of bitter feelings about wondering when it wad going to be my turn! My oath Molly was hard earned (thankfully no butt shots) but I used to say well at least my husband has sperm and least I have eggs. There will alwys be someone worse off than you. Make no mistake though, you have to go through IVF to get your baby then lady it is deserved. Xxxx

  11. I like the idea of “earning” it.

    The crappy thing about IF is that it’s not like earning a good grade on a test because you worked hard at it – because the final grade in IF is completely out of your control. But still when dealing with IF we work HARD for our family. And you’re right, we’ve definitely earned it.

  12. I have a hard time with thinking about “earning” it, just because I have no idea what it will take or if I will ever do enough to “earn” another child or if I ever will. I work towards it, sure, but I don’t know if there will ever be a finish line or if we’ll walk away after a while. I totally agree with not saying “deserve.”

    Awesome that you have more frosties waiting for you if this time doesn’t work, but so hope that you don’t need them! FX for you!

  13. I LOVE this distinction between EARNING it and DESERVING it. Great point. Solid point. You have definitely earned this. 🙂

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