All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: Family


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Quick Updates!

It has been a while since I’ve blogged – we’ve been super busy.  Between my grandpa’s funeral and getting ready for our trip, it seems like there’s never a moment to just sit and “do nothing.”

Because Matthew will wake up in a matter of minutes, I’m sure, I’m going to do a big bullet list update.  I apologize in advance for this 😉

  • B was out-of-town all last week until last Friday, and goodness was his return wonderful!  Matthew missed him like crazy but also wasn’t surprised to see him Friday afternoon when B went in to get him from his nap (he came home while Matthew slept).  This made me feel WONDERFUL knowing that Matthew was secure the whole time, knowing that “Daddy will be back soon.”
  • We spent the weekend running errands for the trip, and also found some time to meet B’s mom for lunch on Saturday.  It was nice to see her – Matthew puts on quite the show for B’s parents because they truly focus on HIM the entire time we’re with them.  It’s fun to watch!  It is not like this with my parents, which is sad.
  • We went home Sunday for my grandpa’s funeral and the visitation and funeral were very nice.  There is a whole post to write about this, as my parents are just so strange and handled things with little to no communication, leaving all of the grandchildren confused about goings-on for the weekend.  There were some very disappointing moments, but all-in-all, it was wonderful to see the family come together to send Grandpa off.  He looked terrific, and it felt good knowing that he’s with my grandma in heaven right now!
  • Lily (the cat) seems to be doing just great – as if there’s nothing wrong with her at all.  I forget that she’s a possibly very sick kitty.  I’m having a hard time believing it.  😉  She’s snuggled up to me right now and loves spending time with all of us, including Matthew.  I am not worried about her dying while we’re gone.  Not at all.
  • We go on our trip TOMORROW!  I have never been so prepared for a trip in my life!  Matthew has been packed for over a week and I’ve been packed for days.  Everything is ready to go – we just need to get there!
  • I think we have a name for BB2.  YAY!  On the drive home on Sunday, I asked B if he could commit to a name that he really seems to like.  He agreed as long as we can change our minds if something else jumps out at us (it won’t – I don’t believe it’s possible).  BB2 will be “Bryson Lawrence” or “Bryson Theodore” unless something else grabs our attention.  “Lawrence” is my dad’s name, and his mother’s maiden name.  “Theodore” is my paternal grandfather’s middle name and goes back a long way in the family.  Tough decision.  I wanted to name BB2 “Theo Lawrence” but B said no  🙂
  • BB2/Wilson/Bryson is very active – way more active than Matthew was.  He’s beating me up on a regular basis.  He is all over the place and likes to make his presence known and remembered!
  • B scheduled a “man trip” to Kentucky with his best friend (men don’t call them best friends, but I do!) the weekend after we get back.  I am really excited about this!  He needs a road trip desperately – and he needs to just go with no commitments and reservations to be held to.  I expect him to come home VERY happy!
  • I MUST get started on figuring out the “room situation” for the boys the week after we get back.  Move Matthew into a new room, or put BB2 in the new room?  I prefer to move Matthew into a new, awesome room!  Lots to do… lots to do…
  • A HUGE thank you to all of you who have left such nice, supportive comments on both my Lily and Grandpa posts!  This community is so wonderful, so caring, so important.  I appreciate every word I read from all of you.  Thank you!

And in the spirit of quick lists and updates, here are some photos of the most recent happenings in our house.

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A Quick Update for my “Cat People” and “Pet People” Followers ;)

I got a call from the vet today – and he left me a voicemail with a very upbeat tone.

Hmmm…

So I called him right back.

We repeated blood work on Lily on Tuesday and the results came back almost identical (super high calcium, everything else perfectly normal – even her blood sugar implying that she is in remission with her diabetes).  Dr. Dan (the vet, not my therapist) told me that he “just isn’t convinced that this is definitely cancer, so (he) called an internist for another opinion.”  I love this vet… he is such a terrific guy!  Anyway, the internist agrees that something else may be going on instead of lymphoma and wants Dr. Dan to run a special blood test to look for the “something else.”  They are looking for something to do with her thyroid, because it just doesn’t make sense that only her calcium would be elevated if worse things (cancer) were going on.  A big factor in this is that Lily is acting perfectly normal – loving, happy, hungry, thirsty, using her box regularly, spending time with us and her other kitty friends, and tolerating Matthew’s affection.  Dr. Dan says that this type of behavior is not normal for a cat with aggressive cancer.

Now – I know we’re not out of the woods at all.  I know that she very likely could have cancer, lymphoma specifically.  But this is good news.  I am cautiously optimistic (man alive, I learned and lived that term going through all the IF 3 years ago!) that we may not be dealing with cancer.  If she does have a thyroid issue (and I can’t remember what he specifically called it), it will need to be controlled which will be complicated and difficult, according to Dr. Dan, but it’s manageable.

I am good at managing sick kitties.  Lily never missed an insulin shot when she required them twice daily.  My prior cat, the BEAR, never missed a daily heart pill.  I can manage whatever they throw at me.

So – this special test is being run while we’re in Florida and Dr. Dan said that the timing is fine – that we’re not pushing things by waiting a week.

He even chuckled on the phone with me.  Because of this, I’m feeling pretty good!


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So Lucky

I woke up this morning thinking about my grandpa, wondering when my dad would call to let me know what the status of his health was.  Dad texted me last night saying that Grandpa wasn’t doing well and that the hospice folks thought he’d die soon, but then said, “of course, my dad has 45 lives so we’ll see.”  I wrote back saying I’d come home today after baby gym in the morning, so that maybe Matthew would nap on the way back.  Dad said to hold off until he called me in the morning, and then asked about the dates for our trip to Florida.  When I told him the dates, he wrote back saying that there could be a funeral when we were gone.  That alarmed me… my dad doesn’t ever think the end is really coming.

The end came this morning.  It’s an amazing story – one that I just cannot believe happened to my grandpa.  My dad went up last night to visit him, held his hand, and then kissed him on the forehead before heading out.  My grandpa had been sort-of comatose, but woke up when my dad kissed him and smiled at him, knowing he was there.  My dad told him he loved him, and Grandpa told him he loved him too.  My dad left for the night and went home, updated all of us, and (as he told me this morning), cried off and on through the night.  This morning, on his way home from the dentist, my dad decided to stop by rather than just call for an update.  He popped in, asked the front desk how Grandpa was doing, and they pulled him aside to say that the end was very near.  They brought my dad a cup of coffee and he sat with his sleeping father, holding his hand, and he slipped away.  Just like that.  He just stopped breathing and died in his sleep.  Within 10 minutes of my dad arriving.

FATE.

I wish everyone we love could go that way.

I was very close to my grandpa, and I always feared this day.  I always feared how I would handle it.

B is out-of-town, so I texted him and he called me right away.  I cried when he called, but then I felt really good about the whole thing.  My grandpa missed my grandma so much, and just wanted to be with her.  From the day she died, he’s told me that he is ready to go be with her and just wants to die in his sleep.

He is with her now, and he died in his sleep.  And better yet, he died with his son at his side.

I am at peace with it.  I am at peace knowing that he is where he wants to be, a place that he has always believed in, that he passed so peacefully, and that he’s reunited with the love of his life.

I hope we can all be so lucky one day.

 


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Circle of Life

With the good comes the bad.

My favorite cat (I know you’re not supposed to have favorites, but I do, and I’m not ashamed to admit it) is diabetic.  I’ve mentioned this before.  She is my bestie, my love, my girl.  As I write this, crying, she’s snuggling up and plucking my chest as she purrs with delight, nudging her head gently against mine.  Her diabetes have always caused us a lot of concern, but it’s been manageable and actually has been in remission for a long time.  I pay close attention to her though, even when her diabetes seem to be on a break.  Paying close attention has its pros and cons.  With the pros come the cons.

The con came last week when I weighed her.

I’ve noticed her seeming a bit thinner (for her – she started at 15 pounds!) and have I’ve sort of ignored it.  I had a cat prior to her (the BEAR, who was my very first kitty) who was a very sick kitty, and when he would lose weight, it meant bad things were going on.  I only had the BEAR for 4.5 years before I lost him to hypotrophic cardiomyopathy.  That was so hard on my heart (and his, obviously) and Lily’s weight loss spiraled my mind back to those days when the BEAR was so sick.  I finally weighed her last week and I figured that she’d lost about 1.5-2 pounds since her last vet visit 6 months prior.  This was not good.  I knew it.  Despite ignoring the vet reminder cards for a month to bring her in for her 6 month check, I knew it was time to get her checked out.  I scheduled an appointment that day for the following Monday, figuring that I’d enjoy the weekend before getting the potential bad news.

I got the news today.  When we went in yesterday, Dr. D seemed alarmed.  Lily has lost 2.5 pounds since September and although he’s thrilled with her diabetes remission, he just seemed concerned.  He mentioned that that type of weight loss is not good, and I said I already knew that.  We talked about the BEAR and what weight loss usually means, and I cried.  Dr. D didn’t say much to make me feel better.  I think he knew that things were not good, and he knows that sugar-coating is not my thing.  He drew blood and said he’d call me the next day, but that on physical exam she looks great, so if there is a problem, it should show up in the blood work.

Dr. D called today.  We will be going in for x-rays on Thursday to look for tumors – tumors that will likely be malignant but may not show up on x-rays.  I knew when he called that things were not good.  He didn’t pump me full of hope, he said he wants to do the basics to get a diagnosis but that things are pointing to cancer (likely lymphoma) and that the blood work would imply that it’s agressive.  God.  I asked if x-rays could wait until we’re in Florida and he said no, let’s do it now so that if they can treat her while she’s there for a week, that that would be preferred.  I agree.

People say things to me like, “I don’t get cats.  I don’t get how you can love a cat.”  But my response is, “do you get dogs?  Do you get animals?  It’s the same thing – it’s the same love – just for a different species.”  A very large chunk of my heart is aching right now, knowing what’s coming, and it’s debilitating.  Dr. D and I talked about treatment and he says that there really isn’t much to do but make the time she has (unknown at this point) as comfy as possible.  There’s no way to know how much time she has – it could be months, it could be a couple of years.  We’re already on borrowed time with her diabetes, so I don’t assume it’s a long time we have left together.  The minute her life gets hard is the minute I will let her go.  Just typing that is upsetting, but it’s the truth.  She’s been too good to me to go a minute longer than is comfortable for her.

So there it is.  We’re going to Dis.neywo.rld, and my favorite cat probably has cancer.  While we’re in Dis.neywo.rld, my favorite cat will be “at the spa” being watched over closely by people who love her and take good care of her, while I worry about her.

My dad, the realist when it comes to these things (even though he still can’t talk about losing the BEAR without tearing up), texted me, “:( but remember the circle of life.”  My parents can really irritate me, but I appreciate the realism.  I appreciate the reminder that this is all part of the deal when you have pets.  We love them for as long as we can, and then we let them go.  We sometimes have more time with some than others, but it’s never enough time for us.  Because of that, we do it over, and over, and over again because we love and need their companionship.

Lily is, and always will be, a great companion.

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Little Reminders

I had a counseling session this morning.  B rearranged meetings so that he could stay with Matthew while I went.  I always appreciate that because B is super busy with work, especially right now.  I schedule my appointments at 8:00 so that I impact his day as little as possible, but conflicts, like today, do come up.  He needed me home at 9:10 so that he could get on a call that he was leading, so Dr. D and I planned ahead and stopped a bit early.

I don’t come right home, usually, and tell B about what Dr. D and I discussed.  I usually wait for an appropriate time and don’t want to bombard him with it, especially when he has to be on a call.  I was very anxious today, though, to share what we discussed because it was an “ah ha!” moment for me.  I stopped to get him some coffee on the way home and was back in time for B to get on his call.  B had Matthew all cleaned up for the day when I got home (even teeth brushed, which is not the “funnest” thing in the world to do), which I really appreciated.  He went off for his call, and I hopped in the shower.

Shortly afterwards, he came into the bathroom and sat down on the floor to play with Matthew.  I asked when his next call was, and we had 15 minutes to chat so I told him what Dr. D and I discussed.  And it’s this simple.  Every couple needs to find the bottom line between them – when it comes to arguments, decisions, plans, etc. – there is a bottom line.  The bottom line is, “what is most important to you as a couple”  Dr. D says that most healthy couples agree that their bottom line is their relationships with each other and their children, and then to those around them.  But central to every decision, every argument, every everything – your relationship with one another usually is (and should be) the bottom line between a couple.  If you can agree on that, then arguments, decisions, discussions will go much, much smoother when you keep that in mind.

This is a no-brainer.  I told Dr. D that had I known this before, I would have bought a sectional for our basement a year ago.  He chuckled.  I told him that a sectional in our basement would improve our relationship very much – there is plenty of room for all of us to stretch out and spend time together.  (I usually take 2/3 of the sofa and B gets 1 corner to himself = not comfortable for him = not desirable to spend time together down there.)  We bought a sectional this past Sunday, after 2+ years of discussion.  Two and a half years!  We put that decision off because, “what if we move and there’s no room for it?  It’s a sunk cost.”  We finally bit the bullet and we bought it.  Had we simply asked ourselves how the purchase would affect our relationship, we would have bought it a very long time ago.

And what do you know?  Yesterday, career discussions came up again.  We’re not taking this latest round too seriously because B had already started talking yesterday about what Dr. D discussed with me today.  B feels that this is the time for us to work on building our family here, and focusing on our two boys and each other.  And when you look at it from that perspective, and you think about our bottom line, moving right now is NOT the right decision.  It’s just THAT simple.  I feel much better about decisions like this in the future as long as I keep our bottom line top of mind.  Apparently, my husband is already doing this.

*****

When I was talking with Dr. D today, I told him that B is one of those techy guys who can get anything to work.  This was an issue last night for us as we were trying to watch Downt.on Abb.ey on PBS through our Xbox and it wasn’t working.  B was hell-bent on making it work, and I couldn’t help but wonder if part of his determination was his worry that I was upset that it wasn’t working.  I made sure he knew that I didn’t care and suggested we just eat and figure it out later.  Anyway, B got it figured out (of course he did) and we were all setup.

I appreciate this about B more than he probably knows.  He is very technical and can truly fix anything.  I had a cheap little thumb drive go bad once that had MY.ENTIRE.LIFE on it and when it failed me, I freaked out beyond your wildest imagination.  I was a wreck over it, but B said he’d figure out a way to get the data.  I figured if anyone could do it, it was him so I just left him to his devices and went into the other room.  Within an hour, he had it working again just long enough to transfer all of the data to a laptop (which was then immediately backed up onto our server) before it crashed permanently.

I’m a lucky gal!  I know this.

Today, after our conversation about our bottom line, B headed for another call and I got cleaned up in the bathroom.  Matthew was being SUPER cute so I grabbed my phone to take a quick photo – and it flew out of my hand and onto the tile floor (face down).  I knew without looking at it that this was the final straw for this phone – that it had been through so much before but that this forceful toss was what would do it in if something was going to.  And it did.  The screen is completely shattered.

I went down to B’s office and hollered through the door that I needed to go to AT.T soon to get a new phone (we carry insurance on our phones) before nap time.  He quickly said not to do that and that we’d talk in a bit.  By the time he was off the phone, he had a video ready to watch on how to fix it, the part found and ready to be ordered, and my data all being backed up.  He also got out my old phone (with a minorly cracked screen) and immediately started setting it up again.  He put off everything he had to do this morning to get me backed up, back “online,” and the parts on the way so he can fix my phone ASAP (if possible – it may not work).

*****

B sometimes surprises me.  He knew our bottom line before I did, and he handled what normally would have been a HORRIBLE stressor for me in a way that kept me calm and happy.  When I stress about technology, I am not nice.  I do take my frustrations out on him.  I admit it.  I become filled with rage and have a hard time controlling my temper.  B is used to this, he’s figured me out, and he handles me perfectly.

I was reminded twice today, within an hour of one another, not why I love B so much, but what makes him so special amd me so lucky to have him!


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The Monday Snapshot – Not Quite Sure

We got a text from my dad on the 2nd saying that my grandpa could be dying.  He has a DNR, and it goes beyond that, really.  He also has specific orders to not treat any illnesses, even simple ones.  This causes me much stress, to be perfectly honest.  We were told he was weak and disoriented and that they’d know more in a couple of days, but that the speculation was pneumonia.  I don’t waste time when it comes to these things.  Two days are too long to wait to see if a possible “last visit” is really needed.  To me, a possible “last visit” that turns out to be u”nnecessary” is just an extra visit with my grandpa – which is a good thing!

We made plans to go home on the 4th.  The 3rd was just too hectic and Matthew still had a residual cough from the holidays, so we figured an extra day for that to settle down would be good.  My dad called the morning of the 4th to say that we’re welcome to come, of course, but that Grandpa had made a miraculous recovery.  Of course he had.  He ALWAYS does.

But some day, he won’t.

We went home anyway, and saw Grandpa two days in a row.  The first time, only I saw him for a couple of minutes to say hello.  The next morning, he was up and at ’em, watching football and eating breakfast.  We had a nice visit.  Matthew was scared of his oxygen mask, but was still smiley and happy to see him after he warmed up.  When Grandpa got in bed without his oxygen mask, Matthew wanted to be in there with him.  Of course he did  🙂

I’m not sure that any of these pictures are different from one another, but I love them all for different reasons!

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This is my contribution to The Monday Snapshot over at PAIL Bloggers.  Go and check it out!


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Another Minute or Two

As everyone knows, I had a two-hour massage before my transfer on Friday.  I was so looking forward to this and it did not disappoint.  I was wondering what in the world could take 2 hours to work out of my muscles, but there are still two knots that wouldn’t budge completely after an hour of work.  After that hour, we decided to move onto other parts that needed some relaxing.

I asked the therapist if people fall asleep a lot on the table, and she said yes – all the time.  I vowed not to do that – I was going to enjoy every minute.

I thought of all sorts of things on that table.  I thought about the transfer, about Matthew, about B and the trip we’re planning.  My thoughts began to be fleeting and I’d catch myself… falling asleep.  I’d rip myself from my dozing state to be back in the moment.  But there was one thing that came to mind at a particular moment and I let myself stay dreamy.

My grandmother and I were very close.  We were good friends most of my life, but really enjoyed each other in my college and adult years.  My grandparents struggled a lot with their relationship with my parents, and in turn, that struggle was unfortunately passed onto us kids.  It wasn’t my grandparents’ fault.  They tried very hard to be involved in our lives.  I have hundreds of good memories with them – and I like to remind my sisters of these memories because their memories are more jaded by my parents.

As my massage therapist rubbed my arms, I was in an in-between state of being aware of what was going on, but letting my mind wander with direction.  I remembered going to the circus with Grandma and Grandpa, my Grandpa dressing up as the Easter Bunny, us kids shouting for Santa Claus up the chimney with my grandparents laughing beside us, and sleep overs with my grandparents.  I thought of my grandma dressing up as Ms. Hannigan from Annie and filming a scene of the movie with  my older sister and me (Grandpa behind the camera), I thought of Christmases spent in the game room watching the adults play card games, and I thought of holiday dinners around the dining table that wasn’t big enough for everyone.

During holidays, the kids would sit in the kitchen at the kids’ table, which was fine by us.  We’d go into the dining room and say grace with the entire family, load up our plates, and step 10 feet away to enjoy dinner together goofing with our cousins.  Grandma insisted on having dessert at every meal (and why wouldn’t you????) and would dish up her famous red velvet cake (Waldorf Astoria Cake), angelfood cake with the lightest frosting ever (delish), or a black forest cake – all three of which are still favorites of mine.  Again, we’d eat at the kids’ table and then help clear dishes afterwards.

But we never did dishes right away.  Some people would get up and play games, some would go play the organ, and some (most) would sit around the dining room table and chat.  That was when I would move from the kids’ table to the adult table.  I’d cozy right up next to my grandma and she’d whisper sweet things to me.  And she would always take ahold of my arm, roll up my sleeve, and gently rub the soft underside of my arm – from my wrist to my elbow – from my elbow to my wrist.  Over and over again.  I would feel dreamy – I loved it – and I would wish in my head that it would never end.  Grandma did this throughout the entire conversation and as she would start to roll my sleeve back down (because it was time to open presents), I’d ask her for, “just another minute or two.”

She always said yes.

That’s what I thought about during my massage.

My grandma.

And about how much I miss her.

 


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FET Update

We started PIO shots last night.  I am two nights into this and hopefully we have 3 more months ahead of us.  They are easy, but they’re not easy.  Psyching myself up for each one is a struggle and then it ends up being no big deal.  B is a wonderful shot-giver and makes it painless, for the most part.  I remember us hitting a vein (or whatever) a few times and that hurts – so I’m always worried that will happen.  That’s crazy because seriously, it happened only 3-4 times in all the PIO shots we did in the past 3 cycles.  That’s not a lot.

Transfer is on Friday.  My favorite embryologist (H) called me today to discuss which embryos to use.  We have 2 from Matthew’s cycle, and 5 from our first cycle.  I told her to use the ones she thinks are the best – that I trust her judgement.  And I do.  I found the conversation interesting because no one, in all the blogs I’ve read, has ever mentioned collaborating with the embryologist on which embryos to use.  I asked H a week or so ago which ones she wanted to use and bless her heart, she decided to involve me in the decision.  I just love the people at this clinic!

I did ask H a favor.  They don’t usually give you photos of your frozen embryos at our clinic because, “they can be worrisome to people because they don’t look like fresh embryos,” but I asked her to make an exception for me and she said yes.  I think it’s important to have that first photo just in case it works out.  How can I tell our next baby that I don’t have a photo of them as an embryo, but we have one of Matthew?

I also learned that we have 3 embryos in their own straws.  This is very important!  We have 2 straws with two embryos, and three with just one in each.  This is important as they thaw those straws with pairs – and what if one survives the thaw and one does not?  Do you thaw the other pair then too and what if those both survive, leaving three alive?  Now that I know about the singles, I am much more at ease about this and H assured me that we should not end up with 3 unless something “very unusual” happens.  Crisis averted!  (I was actually getting pretty worried about this, but now I’m not.)

Everything else is rather calm over here.  Matthew is a bit sick – not sure what’s going on there.  I’m bracing myself for a bad day tomorrow given that he’s had runny diapers all day and a snotty nose.  He’s been especially tired as well (3.75 hours of naps today) so I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring.

I lied.

Things are not 100% calm.  I setup my password for my PWP posts on October 1, feeling like the inevitable was about to happen, and shit hit the fan on the 5th in regards to holiday planning.  I am not directly involved, but it’s irritating and upsetting.  I will be posting about it, but I’m too exhausted from it right now to write about it.  I am not stressed about it – just so sick and tired of things being so hard with my family.  Ugh.

Besides that, though, things are good.  HA!

“Don’t fret about the holidays, Mama! You’ve got Daddy, Jackson, Lily, Jane, and me and that’s all you need!”