All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Little Reminders

19 Comments

I had a counseling session this morning.  B rearranged meetings so that he could stay with Matthew while I went.  I always appreciate that because B is super busy with work, especially right now.  I schedule my appointments at 8:00 so that I impact his day as little as possible, but conflicts, like today, do come up.  He needed me home at 9:10 so that he could get on a call that he was leading, so Dr. D and I planned ahead and stopped a bit early.

I don’t come right home, usually, and tell B about what Dr. D and I discussed.  I usually wait for an appropriate time and don’t want to bombard him with it, especially when he has to be on a call.  I was very anxious today, though, to share what we discussed because it was an “ah ha!” moment for me.  I stopped to get him some coffee on the way home and was back in time for B to get on his call.  B had Matthew all cleaned up for the day when I got home (even teeth brushed, which is not the “funnest” thing in the world to do), which I really appreciated.  He went off for his call, and I hopped in the shower.

Shortly afterwards, he came into the bathroom and sat down on the floor to play with Matthew.  I asked when his next call was, and we had 15 minutes to chat so I told him what Dr. D and I discussed.  And it’s this simple.  Every couple needs to find the bottom line between them – when it comes to arguments, decisions, plans, etc. – there is a bottom line.  The bottom line is, “what is most important to you as a couple”  Dr. D says that most healthy couples agree that their bottom line is their relationships with each other and their children, and then to those around them.  But central to every decision, every argument, every everything – your relationship with one another usually is (and should be) the bottom line between a couple.  If you can agree on that, then arguments, decisions, discussions will go much, much smoother when you keep that in mind.

This is a no-brainer.  I told Dr. D that had I known this before, I would have bought a sectional for our basement a year ago.  He chuckled.  I told him that a sectional in our basement would improve our relationship very much – there is plenty of room for all of us to stretch out and spend time together.  (I usually take 2/3 of the sofa and B gets 1 corner to himself = not comfortable for him = not desirable to spend time together down there.)  We bought a sectional this past Sunday, after 2+ years of discussion.  Two and a half years!  We put that decision off because, “what if we move and there’s no room for it?  It’s a sunk cost.”  We finally bit the bullet and we bought it.  Had we simply asked ourselves how the purchase would affect our relationship, we would have bought it a very long time ago.

And what do you know?  Yesterday, career discussions came up again.  We’re not taking this latest round too seriously because B had already started talking yesterday about what Dr. D discussed with me today.  B feels that this is the time for us to work on building our family here, and focusing on our two boys and each other.  And when you look at it from that perspective, and you think about our bottom line, moving right now is NOT the right decision.  It’s just THAT simple.  I feel much better about decisions like this in the future as long as I keep our bottom line top of mind.  Apparently, my husband is already doing this.

*****

When I was talking with Dr. D today, I told him that B is one of those techy guys who can get anything to work.  This was an issue last night for us as we were trying to watch Downt.on Abb.ey on PBS through our Xbox and it wasn’t working.  B was hell-bent on making it work, and I couldn’t help but wonder if part of his determination was his worry that I was upset that it wasn’t working.  I made sure he knew that I didn’t care and suggested we just eat and figure it out later.  Anyway, B got it figured out (of course he did) and we were all setup.

I appreciate this about B more than he probably knows.  He is very technical and can truly fix anything.  I had a cheap little thumb drive go bad once that had MY.ENTIRE.LIFE on it and when it failed me, I freaked out beyond your wildest imagination.  I was a wreck over it, but B said he’d figure out a way to get the data.  I figured if anyone could do it, it was him so I just left him to his devices and went into the other room.  Within an hour, he had it working again just long enough to transfer all of the data to a laptop (which was then immediately backed up onto our server) before it crashed permanently.

I’m a lucky gal!  I know this.

Today, after our conversation about our bottom line, B headed for another call and I got cleaned up in the bathroom.  Matthew was being SUPER cute so I grabbed my phone to take a quick photo – and it flew out of my hand and onto the tile floor (face down).  I knew without looking at it that this was the final straw for this phone – that it had been through so much before but that this forceful toss was what would do it in if something was going to.  And it did.  The screen is completely shattered.

I went down to B’s office and hollered through the door that I needed to go to AT.T soon to get a new phone (we carry insurance on our phones) before nap time.  He quickly said not to do that and that we’d talk in a bit.  By the time he was off the phone, he had a video ready to watch on how to fix it, the part found and ready to be ordered, and my data all being backed up.  He also got out my old phone (with a minorly cracked screen) and immediately started setting it up again.  He put off everything he had to do this morning to get me backed up, back “online,” and the parts on the way so he can fix my phone ASAP (if possible – it may not work).

*****

B sometimes surprises me.  He knew our bottom line before I did, and he handled what normally would have been a HORRIBLE stressor for me in a way that kept me calm and happy.  When I stress about technology, I am not nice.  I do take my frustrations out on him.  I admit it.  I become filled with rage and have a hard time controlling my temper.  B is used to this, he’s figured me out, and he handles me perfectly.

I was reminded twice today, within an hour of one another, not why I love B so much, but what makes him so special amd me so lucky to have him!

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

19 thoughts on “Little Reminders

  1. I’m still a bit confused about what the bottom line is, but that’s not important. What IS important is that you two have found it in your relationship and already see how much it helps you! You are definitely lucky for having B in your life as is he for having you in his. Sorry to hear about your phone – I hate when stuff like that happens. And I take it you either lost (or never even had a chance to take) the picture of Matthew being cute? 😦

    • I should have elaborated. The bottom line is the thing that is most important to you, as a couple, and when making decisions, you work through how the decision could affect your bottom line. In our case, our bottom line is our relationship, so when making decisions, we need to focus on how different outcomes/decisions would affect our relationship. Those that affect our bottom line well, are under consideration. Those that impact it in a negative way, are off the table. We laughed because it even works for simple things like a sofa. Get the sofa? How does it affect our relationship? In this case, it makes our relationship better because it provides a place to spend more time together. If it was a wash (neither made our relationship better or worse), then we’d look at other factors in the equation. If mutiple options have the same affect on your bottom line, then you look at other things (like income, career growth, savings, etc.).

  2. B sounds awesome! And I like this idea of the bottom line. Helps make certain squabbles or uncertainties crystal clear. It’s funny, we have been debating over whether to get a sectional too! We both desperately want one but we’re holding ourselves back for budget reasons (why must furniture be so damn expensive?!). But we know it would make our lives infinitely better, since we spend 90% of our waking home hours on that couch.

    • They are so expensive! B actually picked out one of the cheaper ones, and I said YES!! We are not spending a bundle on this piece of furniture that could be sold immediately if we ever decided to move. God knows it likely won’t fit in a future house!

  3. I really like the idea of this bottom line thing. I need to talk to Anthony about this. Also, I know this is totally not the point of this post but I reeeeally want a big sectional sofa and I know it would make our relationship better because I too am a total couch hog and we only have a small couch. Unfortunately, we don’t have the space at all right now so not on the table but it is a dream. Anyway, I am really glad you two came to this. It really does sounds like B is an amazing father and husband. I am the tech fixer in this house which drives me bananas sometimes but like you, Anthony gets frustrated quickly when these things go wrong, so I need to step up and fix them… probably not as well as B but I make out okay! 😉

  4. We totally want a sectional as well but we keep putting it off b/c of money. Our relationship has been ROCKY lately though…might be time to kick it up the priority list! Interesting post.

  5. Chippie is the most untech person in the entire world but if I need anything fixed or done around the house he is all over it. It’s hard not getting frustrated and pissed at things that we can’t do! I get that!!

    • THANK YOU! I am so easily frustrated. You should have seen me when we had this build-your-own DVR – I didn’t know how to fix it when it quit working and of course it quit working when B was out of town for a week. I was a mad wife! 😉

  6. What a wonderful post. It makes me smile. I won’t write about the fight MV and I got into today. I feel like that would ruin the mood. 😉

  7. My husband isn’t techy, but anything he can fix, he does. I think it’s because he feels so powerless to fix this whole infertility thing. Thanks for sharing about the bottom line idea. That will definitely come in handy the next time we fi…. have a disagreement. 🙂

    • I think you’re right. I know that fixing things makes B happy, so I just have to sit back and let him do it – even if it’s taking all night. I understand that given that I am a control freak in my own weird way too!

  8. Interesting how many of us think a sectional would improve our relationships! I totally agree with this! Our dog currently gets 3/4 of the couch…what does that tell you?

  9. We had a sectional, but our big, slobbery dog totally ruined it. Sigh.

    I just realized I don’t think I ever commented on your posts about the ultrasounds and that scare. I’m so sorry. I have been thinking about you a lot though. None of Grayson’s problems were detected in ultrasound- i think knowing something is wrong during in pregnancy would be SO hard- so many unknowns and nothing you can do to fix it or see it so you can accept it. I am SO thrilled that it turned out to be a nothing- and I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing!

  10. Pingback: First Comes Love | All the Sun For You

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