But when baby boy is sick, Mommy gets snuggles. It took everything in me to not hold him during his entire nap!
Birthday Boy!
Memorable Moment Monday
Yes…. This is it for sure! After lots of pounding on the keyboard, this is what happened after I shut the lid and Matthew tried ferociously to get it back open. Look at his face – priceless! I’m not sure if that’s an uh-oh face or his, “I surprise myself with my strength” face. 😉
Beggars And Choosers
B is out of town… for a week. Yikes! Honestly, it won’t be that bad aside from just needing a break here and there. We have a packed calendar for the week to keep us busy, so that’s good. It’s hotter than hell here – it was 103* yesterday and will be 105* today – so we need to keep busy indoors. That’s hard to do, but we’ll make it work. We’re definitely hitting the pool tomorrow though!
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. My late period (still nothing), lack of a BFP, and sore breasts are entirely to blame for it. I have never been more than 2-3 days late in my life, so of course I figured that maybe, just maybe, we had a surprise BFP like “everyone else” out there. I mean – when most people are a week late, that means they’re pregnant. I should not have let my mind even go there – but I did. Lesson learned. The only good thing about AF taking her sweet time is that we may be able to start treatments sooner. If AF came before 2 weeks post-nursing, then they wanted me to wait another cycle because my hormones would still be out of whack. If AF waits until after Friday, then we may be able to start right away when she decides to show up. Watch – I’ll get it on Thursday 😉 Beggars can’t shouldn’t be choosers, so I just need to let AF show up when she does (not that I have a choice) and just be happy that we get to start again shortly thereafter.
Matthew is consistently sleeping until 7:00 AM now – without a little wake-up in the 6:00 hour. This whole thing worked brilliantly and I’m proud of us – we truly shaped his sleep times into what we wanted. Of course this morning, though, when he woke up at 7:03, I let him fuss to see if he would go back to sleep. He did not. What is it about never being happy – or never having enough sleep? The poor kid sleeps until 7:00 like I shaped and planned, and now I’m trying to get him to sleep longer? Why would I want him to sleep longer – all that does is mess up his nap schedule!? Beggars and choosers… beggars and choosers… The bottom line is that I stayed up entirely too late and wanted to sleep in myself. I always stay up too late when B is out of town.
Nothing is really new to report – except that Matthew now hisses like a cat. We do believe he learned that from Lily, our grumpy, diabetic girl. We used to think that she truly loved Matthew, but right now, she’s just tolerating him. He gets too close, and she gets grumpy, and sometimes she hisses. He now walks around hissing at things – not when he’s angry or anything – just whenever he feels like it. It is adorable!
In case B reads my blog while he’s away, here are some recent photos of them together. We miss you, Baby!
Still…
Still no AF.
I just finished one beer, and was wanting another. I thought, “let’s just test again for good measure before I have another. You never know.”
But I do know. I always know.
Still a BFN.
Where the hell is it???? I could care less about not being pregnant right now, but holy hell, I am ready to be done with this PMS, or whatever it is.
My left breast hurts. I haven’t nursed since Friday night but the poor-producing left breast has decided to make things difficult while the right, over-producing breast is just drying up like it’s supposed to. Why has the left one decided to be a superstar now when it was such an under-producer for the last year?!?!
I’m done complaining.
Time for another beer. I think I’ll have 6.
My New View
When I was weaning Matthew, I never thought that there would be things that would come from it that would make me thankful that he’s weaned. I thought that I would just miss everything about nursing and that that certain closeness would be gone.
But something entirely new, and spectacular, has emerged. Matthew, who would only cuddle while nursing, now does this:
And this:
And this:
I have a snuggler!
I am typing this on my phone as he naps on my chest. And this is what I’m looking at:
When he is drifting off to sleep now in the rocker, he’ll randomly pop up to kiss me. LOVE!!!! I can bury my nose into his hair and smell his fresh baby scent. And I can flutter his eyelashes with my nose as I sing softly into his ear, helping him drift to sleep. Right now, he just stirred and grabbed me tightly before coo-ing himself back to sleep. We couldn’t/didn’t do any of these things while we were nursing.
I’m in heaven!
Wordless Wednesday
Breakfast in bed…
Loving
Just a quick thing I want to record. B went on a day trip today for work – just a 2 hour drive from home. He left around 5:30 this morning and was home (met us at Pan.era) at 6:00. Really, this was a normal work day for him, from my perspective. Matthew wakes up after 7:00 now (THANK GOD!) so many mornings, even if B is staying in town (which is the norm), he doesn’t see Matthew in the morning before going to work. But B feels like he’s been gone FOREVER… and he’s crawling around on the floor with Matthew as if he hasn’t seen him in days. There is nothing but joy in our living room right now… and it’s bath time but I don’t want to break up the party 😉
It’s precious.
I feel like the luckiest mom and wife in the world right now! He is such a loving man 🙂
I’m Ready!
It’s no secret that I am rather ambivalent about TTC #2 – but I now need to rephrase that. I was ambivalent about TTC#2.
Now – I’m ready.
I am late – very late for me. I’m coming off of breastfeeding so I figured I’d let it ride for a bit before I tested. I hate having HPT’s in the house – they give me great anxiety. I figured I’d get a BFN and then have 2 HPT’s leftover from the box, and that was too much for me. Just knowing they’re under my bathroom sink makes me want to have a reason to use them. It’s weird, I know. Or maybe it isn’t.
Anyway – I wasn’t testing.
I have the most insanely sensitive sense of smell right now. I can smell cat puke spots from months ago. I can smell specific bugs outside. I can pick up the faintest scent and it’s been driving me nuts. Of everything I was smelling, B could only smell the same thing as me once. This was a tell-tale sign.
I’ve been sick, off and on, for weeks. Sunday was rough – but I didn’t read too much into it because I wasn’t sick when I was pregnant with Matthew.
I’ve had lots of faint little cramps – just like when I got pregnant with Matthew.
So I tested this morning. BFN. I knew it. I wasn’t sad – even though I had let my mind wander into the realm of, “what if?!” In fact, I had a spring to my step. And here is why.
I now know that I am ready to TTC #2. I am ambivalent no more. I am looking forward to starting a cycle. I am looking forward to getting this show on the road. I am looking forward to knowing where we stand with all of the IF business.
I needed this little exercise – it let me really figure out how I feel.
But now, all I need is a period. Where the hell is it? I’m ready to get it over with so we can start a cycle (or testing) next month – and then use one of those annoying HPT’s shortly thereafter 🙂
Considering Our Family…
This post is my contribution to the PAIL monthly theme post.
“I’m bored with you, Mom. Please give me a little brother or sister ASAP!”
So here we are, it’s July and I’ve just finished up breastfeeding Matthew so that we can move onto TTC #2 with fertility treatments. Yay. 😉 I am a little irritated that Matthew and I have to give up something that we both love just to try something. There are no guarantees that it will work any time soon – and there is a part of my brain that is angry that we had to stop nursing just to attempt something that only has a 40% success rate. But I need to get over it – because it is what it is.
I am ambivalent about TTC #2 (if you can’t tell!). Working on #1 was very hard on me – it took 1 full year of trying naturally, then 2 IUI’s (both BFN’s), then a fresh IVF cycle (BFN), then a frozen cycle (very early miscarriage), and then another fresh IVF cycle (Matthew!). From starting the TTC process to a successful ultrasound, it took us over 2.25 years. 2.25 years. God, I hope it doesn’t take that long again!
For me, ideal child spacing would be about 3 years, but we don’t have that luxury. I am 36, Matthew is very social and really needs a sibling ASAP, and… we have 7 embryos in the freezer. We want to give them all a chance if we can, which means that we could be looking at TTC #3 if all goes well with #2 and we have a couple of embryos left over again. In other words, we need to GET ON IT! If I had my way, I would wait a little longer so that Matthew and I could have a little more “us time,” but I do forget that getting pregnant doesn’t yield us a baby for at least 8-9 months so there’s still plenty of “us time” ahead of us. AND – the only reason I say that 3 years is ideal is because my little sister is 3 years younger than me and we are true besties – she was my very first love and always will be. Maybe 2 years spacing would be ideal for my babies and that’s all that really matters.
And then there’s this… given what it takes for us to get pregnant, maybe my babies will end up being 3 years apart anyway. We just never know. And that’s the whole point of all of this, right? We just don’t know what’s going to happen and we need to trust fate and just jump in feet first!
But… I do know that both my head and heart are ready to get started again. We definitely want another baby (or two!) and we know that Matthew wants a little friend, so it’s time to make this happen. I have no doubts that it will work, but the question is how long it will take and what all it will take. Our RE has different ideas of what we’ll do if the first FET fails (he wants to do a fresh cycle, I’d like to try another FET… but he’s right – my age is an issue), so at this point, I just want it to work the first time so that I don’t have to make hard decisions. That would be nice. However, that would not be likely.
I do know that I will not allow myself to be as stressed out about this as I was when we were trying desperately to get Matthew. We have one baby already and that is all we need – we are complete with him. I have written about this several times – I feel it deep down in my soul that Matthew completed our family for us. Every baby after him is an extra cherry on top of our sundae (and I love cherries!)! We are no longer looking at being childless, so that makes TTC #2 way easier on an emotional level. Sure, I’ll throw my heart and soul into it, but I have a little boy who warms my heart and completes my soul. He gives me strength. He gives me happiness. He gives me peace. I will kindly take those gifts from him and use them to make this process easier on us ALL (B included). I assure you, and myself, of that.
All the Sun For You 