All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!


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Ruined for Nothing

I’ve had a hard day – I mean – the type of day that brings you to your knees.  It all started yesterday, actually, when Matthew’s cold was getting obviously worse and we had a major diaper situation at a restaurant over lunch.  It was not good and our return home was even worse – and neither of us really ever recovered.  Matthew’s cold got worse by the hour and I didn’t get to rest at all until he was in bed.  It was exhausting.

So yesterday was hard, but today was almost impossible.  Matthew feels even worse and is showing it.  He’s actually a really good “sick baby” and still sleeps through the night until his normal wake-up time, but it’s not as good of a sleep so he wakes up cranky.  He was cranky all day and even though he had a 2.5 hour nap, it wasn’t a good nap due to his cough.  He woke up 3 times and cried a bit.  It was heartbreaking.  Dinner was a challenge because he doesn’t want to eat solid food right now, which makes me think he has a sore throat.  Matthew threw his chicken at me from the moment I put it in front of him and even refused his grapes, which he usually devours. He had only cottage cheese and veggie pouches tonight for dinner – which I’m ashamed of.  He’s a sad baby  😦

To make the day worse, I got a bill from Medi.a.com for $264 even though we cancelled service on 10/11 and paid in full before that date.  I absolutely lost my shit over this because we even have receipts saying we owe them nothing – and calling to talk to them takes a freaking lifetime.  I spent 10 minutes on hold (shorter than I expected) and then talked with the gal who insisted on talking with B since it was his name on the account.  I explained to her that she would much rather discuss this with me because he hates them more than I do – so she talked to me.  I swore on the phone – not my proudest moments, but I am so sick of this cable company screwing everyone simply because they can.  I swore several times.  It wasn’t good.

So I’ve had a rough day… and it was after the call with Medi.a.com that I realized why I was in such a bad mood.

It wasn’t Matthew’s crankiness.

It wasn’t the Medi.a.com bill (even though, HOLY HELL, that made my mood way worse).

It wasn’t my lack of rest.

It wasn’t because B is out-of-town tonight.

It was because I needed to give myself my own PIO shot for the first time (aside from the three I did in my thigh while pregnant with Matthew and OMG that was a mistake.  OUCH!).

I watched a couple of videos during the day, trying to get pumped up for it, but the videos scared me even more.  I was trying to figure out who I would call to do my shot.  The neighbor next door who is a nurse?  My friend who did all of her own?  My friend’s husband who’s a doctor?  B’s coworker’s husband who’s a nurse?  I would have felt bad springing my need on any of them, so I wondered if I should suck it up and do it myself.

I watched Keikos’ video and read through the comments.  I noticed that Shelley commented a few weeks ago that she had to do her own PIO shots because her husband would be out-of-town.  So… I emailed her.

I just love this community!  Shelley emailed me back right away with a step-by-step description of what to do.  I read it, and thought, “you can do this.”  She was so helpful and pumped me up so much – to the point that I just wanted to get to it so I could say it was done!

I did it.  And it was no big deal.  It did not hurt.  There was no blood.  I didn’t throw up.

(But my hands were still shaking a bit afterwards.)

An entire day ruined for nothing!

 

 

 

 

 


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Quick Roadtrip to See Some Good Friends!

B, Matthew, and I headed down to KC last Friday for the Micr.osoft Surface launch, which gave us another chance to meet up with Steph, JJ, and Chloe!  When B asked if we wanted to make the trip with him, I told him to first let me check with Steph to see if they’d be in town that weekend.  I have my priorities  😉

Matthew woke up on his own just a couple of minutes before we were going to wake him, so it worked out perfectly.  He was in a great mood – I think he knew he’d be seeing Chloe later in the day!  The drive was fantastic and Matthew danced in his chair the entire way.

We went to the launch and spent a couple of hours at the mall.  It took a long time to get into the store to make the purchase, but they had a huge touchscreen out front hooked up to the Kinect which entertained the kids – specifically my kid!  He and his buddy, Cade (the son of B’s coworker) had a great time together and Matthew tolerated his stroller the entire time.  I still cannot believe that.

We ate at Fi.ve Gu.ys and Matthew had his first hot dog (all beef), which he loved.  We love that place, even if it is a heart attack in a paper bag.  B’s coworker then headed back to Iowa and we headed to the hotel for a nap.  Steph and Chloe met us for dinner and we then came back to the hotel to swim.  That was fun, but cold.  It was so cold!  Steph noticed that Matthew’s lips were a little blue right before we got out of the pool.  The kids loved hanging out before and after swimming, listening and dancing to music and checking out the cars and trucks going by on the darkened street out the window.  It was fun to watch!

We did have an accident after Steph and Chloe left.  I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and B was getting Matthew’s jammies on.  Matthew was enjoying his naked time so B grabbed the camera to capture the fun.  Matthew, for the first time, climbed onto an ottoman  in the room and positioned himself to stand up.  I had come out at this point and was surprised that this was being allowed (B is a “safety cop” – HA!) but figured it was fine.  Just then, he fell off the ottoman from a standing position and landed on his back.  He was not hurt but he was terribly frightened.  I scooped him up faster than I’ve ever scooped him before and he was so shook up that he peed on me.  Poor baby.  But we both got cleaned up, snuggled before bed, and had a great night of sleeping in the hotel.

The next day we met Steph, Chloe, and JJ at a bounce place and the pictures tell that story 🙂  The babes had a ball!  We had Matthew’s first incident of not wanting someone else snuggling his mom as I cuddled Chloe.  He ran over and tried nudging her away.  We don’t want him nudging other kids, but it was cute because he’s never possessive of his mom – it made me smile  🙂  He quickly got his hug and went on his merry way with Daddy.  We spent 2 hours there!  I’ve never spent 2 whole hours somewhere that totally entertained Matthew.  We will be going to a similar place here in town soon!  We then went to a place for lunch that had model trains deliver your food (no kidding) and even though the kids were tired, that kept them completely entertained the entire time.  It was hard to get these two good eaters to eat with all the commotion!

It was a great little road trip for one night and it’s always super fun to meet up with Stepp, JJ, and Chloe!  They’re lucky we don’t live near them or we’d probably never leave them alone.  HA!  🙂

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How I Am

I’ve been getting lots of text messages and emails asking me how I’m doing.  I must be a little quiet – that’s not normal for me  😉

I’m doing well.  I’m tired… so very, very tired.  I don’t remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Matthew, but then again, I was crazy excited to finally be pregnant and maybe that energy kept the yawns at bay.  I’m not feeling sick at all and I feel very fortunate here – I know this is not the case with many people.  I was never sick with Matthew so I’m hoping this bodes well for the rest of this pregnancy.

To be perfectly honest (because am I ever anything but an open book?), I forget that I’m pregnant.  I hate admitting that, but it’s true.  I just plain forget a lot of the time.  When you don’t have any symptoms (even my breasts aren’t going crazy yet unless Matthew steps on them), it’s easy to not even think about what’s going on in there.

I’m strangely calm about this pregnancy and just a little nervous for our ultrasound coming up in a couple of weeks.  I know that I’ll walk in with the fear of God in me for that appointment, but right now, it’s just not phasing me.  When I was pregnant with Matthew, it was ALL I thought about.  Will there be one or two?  If two, will they both be OK?  Will there be a fetal pole?  Will there be a heartbeat? Will it be measuring right on track?  Will there be any concerns?

Yeah – none of those thoughts are really going through my mind.  I’m not sure why, really.  I have an inkling that it’s because I was not really thinking this would work – and I sort of counted on it not working.  As everyone knows, I wanted a little more space between my kids and I viewed this cycle as the one to get out-of-the-way, the one to fail so that we could move on with our real cycle.

But this one did work.  This one was our real cycle.  And I’m still a little stunned.  I just did not plan on it going this way at all.

And don’t get me wrong – I am thrilled that it worked.  I am thrilled that it was just that easy.  But I’m also having some guilt here –  because it was just that easy.  I read so many of you who are trying to get pregnant with a sibling for your current child, or who are still trying for your first – and I do feel guilty that I fell on the right side of the odds for once.  When I got pregnant with Matthew, after a failed IVF cycle and an early loss with our FET, I felt that the odds had finally come up for me.  There was no guilt whatsoever after 2.25 years of struggle.

This time – we beat the odds – and I just don’t know how to process that.

I do find myself thinking ahead as well.  What do we do now that we have 5 embryos left?  I know that our plan is to go for a third child, but what if that works right away like this one did and leaves us with 3 remaining embryos?  That could happen given that we’ve had  ZERO success with the embryos from that cycle and I have to believe there’s at least one good one in there waiting for us.  I can’t have a fourth pregnancy due to my scheduled c-sections (please don’t chime in on doing a VBAC – we have already discussed this with our OB at length and the wonderful Dr. H (who supports me 100% in my choices) really doesn’t want to go there with me).  This fact just hit me today – and it’s not like we even want 4 children, but I’m not prepared to make a decision later on for our “left-over” embryos if we do have them.  I know I’m putting the cart WAY before the horse, but it’s is on my mind.

I find myself thinking about our extended families now that we’re going to be adding another member to them.  Because of this, I tried to remedy an outstanding situation this past weekend with B’s sisters and it errupted even further.  I believe it was a good development though – because we found out about some deep-seeded anger that had not been shared with us for over 5.5 years – but it still left me feeling irritated that no one seems to want to discuss things so that we can move on.  Honest words were exchanged and then… silence.  I am not an ostrich and it’s very hard for me to act like things are OK when they’re not, especially when I have some pretty important news to share with them soon.  I have no idea how we’ll share our good news with them.  BUT – I didn’t know how to do it before I addressed “the situation” this past weekend, so I’m not really in any different position than I was before (but I do feel much better having addressed my concerns).  I don’t regret trying to remedy things, though, because that is who I am – talk about it, everyone says what they need to say, resolve it, and then we all move on and start fresh.  No hard feelings.

I am the anomoly in this family  😉

So that is how I am.  All-in-all, I’m really good!  I am feeling some guilt, some joy, some happiness, some disappointment, some frustration, some uncertainty, but much love.  I am trying not to think too hard about anything right now because I have a beautiful little boy who is so much fun right now (but when has he not been so much fun?!) and a husband who loves me even though I’m a bad wife sometimes (most times, recently).  I need to drink those two up and forget the rest, and that’s what I’m trying really hard to do!

Two great things to focus on, right there!


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The Monday Snapshot – Crappy Lunch

I am trying to be a better wife by cooking more some meals at home.  I selected an easy crock pot soup recipe that turned out to be easy, but labor-intensive.  I know my way around a kitchen rather well, but I am the world’s slowest veggie chopper (I’m scared to death of cutting off my knuckles) – so this recipe took 1.3 hours to prep.  Cue frustration.

I got started as Matthew ate his lunch – so he was pretty much on his own with his avocado and smoked pork.  He’s not digging the smoked pork these days (need to switch to chicken, I think) and his avocado was a bit messy today – so he was not thrilled with his lunch.

“Seriously, I hate this lunch, Woman. Please remove it before I toss it.” (He tossed it right after this picture was taken.)

 

Tomorrow… he will have left-over soup  😉

This is part of The Monday Snapshot, hosted by PAIL bloggers!  Check it out!


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Not to Pass

The ALI community sure has been busy this week taking part in the “To Mom or Not to Mom” Open Salon hosted by Keiko and Pamela.  I am not one who really enjoys “assigned theme” posts  because they feel too much like school to me (HA!) and I’m a terrible procrastinator (and a week to get my assignment done usually is not enough time).  Hell, I buy the PAIL book club book every month and have yet to read one and take part in the discussion.

But today’s topic over at The Infertility Voice and Silent Sorority grabbed me, and I must comment.

The question posed is do we pass or not when it comes to sharing our infertility story?

I have chosen “not to pass” since we first started trying to have a baby.  I am an open book – I put almost everything on my blog because I have no filter and I’m just an over-sharer in general.  I love to share – there – I said it!

But that is me.  That is not you.  Nor do I feel that it should be you.

“Should infertility disclosure be an obligation for members of this community?”  No – absolutely not – but I feel that it is MY obligation.  I feel that it is MY obligation to share our story with someone who I think may be struggling in an attempt to make them feel not so alone.  I was lucky – I had close friends who both had struggled, or were struggling at the same time as us, with infertility.  The three of us were, and still are, thick as thieves.  We always will be.  Those two ladies were my lifeline – they kept me sane.  They kept me from taking B’s head off every.single.day because they were my outlet for sharing my frustrations, jealousy, and anxiety about our infertility.

Some people don’t have offline friends who have been through infertility – or at least – they don’t know they do.  And that’s because some people decide to “take the pass” (which is fine).  For those people – the ones who feel alone and isolated – I will always share our story.  I will share our story if I know or think that you’re infertile or not – because if there’s any chance that you are (or that someone you know is) – I don’t want you (or them) to feel alone.  If knowing that I’ve been through it too will bring some peace to just one person’s mind – then it’s all worth it to me.

No one should suffer alone.  As long as I know you (or ran into you at the vet) – you won’t.

 

 

 

 


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Leap of Faith

I took a leap of faith the day before my first beta.

I thought about the fact that I’d be wearing the exact same maternity clothes as I did with Matthew since I’d be due the same day, so I inventoried in my mind what I would need.  I would need short-sleeved t-shirts.  It’s fall right now – surely G.ap Maternity would have those types of shirts on a steep discount, right?  (This is how I talk to myself in my head to justify shopping.)

I wondered if I could jinx things by going to check out their sales, or if I should wait.

I decided that was ridiculous – you can’t jinx a pregnancy.

I went.  I bought 3 long-sleeved shirts and 3 short-sleeved ones (for $7-$9 each!).

And I bought these:

No – not for twins – don’t get ahead of yourselves!

I mean – they were $6 each – what was I supposed to do?  I thought about how holiday-specific they were and that if this pregnancy was a bust, that these would be a completely useless purchase.  I then figured, if this pregnancy is a bust, I’ll just mail them on over to Belle!

I got my second beta today and it doubled in 39.5 hours.  We are looking good so far and I’m eerily calm about this pregnancy.  My ultrasound is scheduled within the next few weeks.

I should take leaps of faith more often.


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(Almost) Wordless Wednesday – Cat Hat

Hell has frozen over in our house.  This has NEVER happened.  The big one does not like the little one at all.  I actually feared for my life a little bit when the little one hopped up and the big one hissed at her.  This was an hour ago – and they’re still going strong.  Maybe things are changing around here?

Self-portrait because I feared if I got up to take the photo of them, that one would get down. Disregard my horrid appearance.

 

An hour later… still snuggled up!

 


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Spreading Hope

Yesterday (Monday) and today have been hard for me.

A good friend texted me yesterday asking me how I’m doing.  She asked when I’d hear for sure if we were, or were not pregnant.  I informed her that I have known since last Tuesday (4dp5dt) and that my blood test would be the next day.  We texted back and forth and then I got distracted – only to return to my phone to see, “Courtney, where are you?  I need to talk to you.”

So I called her.

Turns out that she is pregnant too – and so I got excited for her!  But she stopped me rather quickly and said that I’m only the second person she’s told because she needs to hear about how my miscarriage went.

Ugh.

She is due just a couple of weeks before we’ll be due, but her betas are not good.  Long story short is that she had some spotting, went in to be seen, blood work was done, and they told her to come back (we all know the drill).  She went back, they did an ultrasound, drew blood, and told her that she’s measuring 4.5 weeks for the gestational sac and that they see a yolk sac.  Great!  They were optimistic and told her that she probably has her dates wrong. But she doesn’t.  She KNOWS that she should have been 5.5 weeks.  And then the beta came back only increasing by 60% in 2 days.

I am not a “rah rah” person.  I don’t believe in spreading false hope.  It is very unlikely for you to hear me say, “it’s just too early to test,” or “I bet they measured wrong.”  No – I tell it like it is.

So when this friend asked about my miscarriage and all the things leading up to it, I was honest.  She asked about how my betas went and what they were specifically on what days past ovulation.  The situation is eerily similar.  And my heart broke into a million pieces for her.

I got my beta today – it was a great number – almost half of what she had at 5w5d (I’m 4w2d right now).  Realizing that broke my heart for her almost immediately upon hearing my number.  She wanted me to tell her my news, so I did.  She got a beta too – and it isn’t what they were hoping for.  Her doctor has gone from cautiously optimistic to preparing her for a miscarriage.

We both had betas today.  One of us got good news, one of us did not.

She has an ultrasound tomorrow and I offered to go with her.  Her husband wants me to go (he can’t because their daughter has the flu – and if she didn’t, I’d be watching her so they can go together) but she wants to go alone.  I’m on standby for the phone call afterwards.

She told me that she just wants this over.  That she’s not sad.  That’s she’s numb.  That she’s frustrated.  I totally understand this because that’s how I felt when I was going through it.  I told her that, and then I did something that I NEVER do.

I spread false hope.  Because tonight, I have it for her.