Yesterday (Monday) and today have been hard for me.

A good friend texted me yesterday asking me how I’m doing.  She asked when I’d hear for sure if we were, or were not pregnant.  I informed her that I have known since last Tuesday (4dp5dt) and that my blood test would be the next day.  We texted back and forth and then I got distracted – only to return to my phone to see, “Courtney, where are you?  I need to talk to you.”

So I called her.

Turns out that she is pregnant too – and so I got excited for her!  But she stopped me rather quickly and said that I’m only the second person she’s told because she needs to hear about how my miscarriage went.

Ugh.

She is due just a couple of weeks before we’ll be due, but her betas are not good.  Long story short is that she had some spotting, went in to be seen, blood work was done, and they told her to come back (we all know the drill).  She went back, they did an ultrasound, drew blood, and told her that she’s measuring 4.5 weeks for the gestational sac and that they see a yolk sac.  Great!  They were optimistic and told her that she probably has her dates wrong. But she doesn’t.  She KNOWS that she should have been 5.5 weeks.  And then the beta came back only increasing by 60% in 2 days.

I am not a “rah rah” person.  I don’t believe in spreading false hope.  It is very unlikely for you to hear me say, “it’s just too early to test,” or “I bet they measured wrong.”  No – I tell it like it is.

So when this friend asked about my miscarriage and all the things leading up to it, I was honest.  She asked about how my betas went and what they were specifically on what days past ovulation.  The situation is eerily similar.  And my heart broke into a million pieces for her.

I got my beta today – it was a great number – almost half of what she had at 5w5d (I’m 4w2d right now).  Realizing that broke my heart for her almost immediately upon hearing my number.  She wanted me to tell her my news, so I did.  She got a beta too – and it isn’t what they were hoping for.  Her doctor has gone from cautiously optimistic to preparing her for a miscarriage.

We both had betas today.  One of us got good news, one of us did not.

She has an ultrasound tomorrow and I offered to go with her.  Her husband wants me to go (he can’t because their daughter has the flu – and if she didn’t, I’d be watching her so they can go together) but she wants to go alone.  I’m on standby for the phone call afterwards.

She told me that she just wants this over.  That she’s not sad.  That’s she’s numb.  That she’s frustrated.  I totally understand this because that’s how I felt when I was going through it.  I told her that, and then I did something that I NEVER do.

I spread false hope.  Because tonight, I have it for her.