All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

How I Am

23 Comments

I’ve been getting lots of text messages and emails asking me how I’m doing.  I must be a little quiet – that’s not normal for me  😉

I’m doing well.  I’m tired… so very, very tired.  I don’t remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Matthew, but then again, I was crazy excited to finally be pregnant and maybe that energy kept the yawns at bay.  I’m not feeling sick at all and I feel very fortunate here – I know this is not the case with many people.  I was never sick with Matthew so I’m hoping this bodes well for the rest of this pregnancy.

To be perfectly honest (because am I ever anything but an open book?), I forget that I’m pregnant.  I hate admitting that, but it’s true.  I just plain forget a lot of the time.  When you don’t have any symptoms (even my breasts aren’t going crazy yet unless Matthew steps on them), it’s easy to not even think about what’s going on in there.

I’m strangely calm about this pregnancy and just a little nervous for our ultrasound coming up in a couple of weeks.  I know that I’ll walk in with the fear of God in me for that appointment, but right now, it’s just not phasing me.  When I was pregnant with Matthew, it was ALL I thought about.  Will there be one or two?  If two, will they both be OK?  Will there be a fetal pole?  Will there be a heartbeat? Will it be measuring right on track?  Will there be any concerns?

Yeah – none of those thoughts are really going through my mind.  I’m not sure why, really.  I have an inkling that it’s because I was not really thinking this would work – and I sort of counted on it not working.  As everyone knows, I wanted a little more space between my kids and I viewed this cycle as the one to get out-of-the-way, the one to fail so that we could move on with our real cycle.

But this one did work.  This one was our real cycle.  And I’m still a little stunned.  I just did not plan on it going this way at all.

And don’t get me wrong – I am thrilled that it worked.  I am thrilled that it was just that easy.  But I’m also having some guilt here –  because it was just that easy.  I read so many of you who are trying to get pregnant with a sibling for your current child, or who are still trying for your first – and I do feel guilty that I fell on the right side of the odds for once.  When I got pregnant with Matthew, after a failed IVF cycle and an early loss with our FET, I felt that the odds had finally come up for me.  There was no guilt whatsoever after 2.25 years of struggle.

This time – we beat the odds – and I just don’t know how to process that.

I do find myself thinking ahead as well.  What do we do now that we have 5 embryos left?  I know that our plan is to go for a third child, but what if that works right away like this one did and leaves us with 3 remaining embryos?  That could happen given that we’ve had  ZERO success with the embryos from that cycle and I have to believe there’s at least one good one in there waiting for us.  I can’t have a fourth pregnancy due to my scheduled c-sections (please don’t chime in on doing a VBAC – we have already discussed this with our OB at length and the wonderful Dr. H (who supports me 100% in my choices) really doesn’t want to go there with me).  This fact just hit me today – and it’s not like we even want 4 children, but I’m not prepared to make a decision later on for our “left-over” embryos if we do have them.  I know I’m putting the cart WAY before the horse, but it’s is on my mind.

I find myself thinking about our extended families now that we’re going to be adding another member to them.  Because of this, I tried to remedy an outstanding situation this past weekend with B’s sisters and it errupted even further.  I believe it was a good development though – because we found out about some deep-seeded anger that had not been shared with us for over 5.5 years – but it still left me feeling irritated that no one seems to want to discuss things so that we can move on.  Honest words were exchanged and then… silence.  I am not an ostrich and it’s very hard for me to act like things are OK when they’re not, especially when I have some pretty important news to share with them soon.  I have no idea how we’ll share our good news with them.  BUT – I didn’t know how to do it before I addressed “the situation” this past weekend, so I’m not really in any different position than I was before (but I do feel much better having addressed my concerns).  I don’t regret trying to remedy things, though, because that is who I am – talk about it, everyone says what they need to say, resolve it, and then we all move on and start fresh.  No hard feelings.

I am the anomoly in this family  😉

So that is how I am.  All-in-all, I’m really good!  I am feeling some guilt, some joy, some happiness, some disappointment, some frustration, some uncertainty, but much love.  I am trying not to think too hard about anything right now because I have a beautiful little boy who is so much fun right now (but when has he not been so much fun?!) and a husband who loves me even though I’m a bad wife sometimes (most times, recently).  I need to drink those two up and forget the rest, and that’s what I’m trying really hard to do!

Two great things to focus on, right there!

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

23 thoughts on “How I Am

  1. OH I hope if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again I can do it like you. Calm, relaxed and focused on life instead of what was that twinge…I was so obsessed with my pregnancy. I love how you were totally not expecting this to work and I was all like this is totally gonna work….yours did and mine didn’t…kinda weird, huh? I hope the family drama gets worked out. I’m glad you took the steps you did to remedy your situation, whatever it is. And focusing on those two wonderful things…that’s what it’s all about….LOVE that!

    • Fate is a funny thing.

      I have felt no twinges – not one. But I did do another HPT today (I can’t believe I forgot to add that to my post) and it’s been 5 days since doing one. The line was SUPER dark and the control line was faint. So – that always makes me feel at peace when there’s nothing going on that I can feel.

      You’ll be lucky enough to have another baby. It’s waiting for you in the freezer 😉

  2. I’m sure there’s a huge difference between “pregnant, lying around, thinking about my magical feminine powers and meditating on my fetus” and “toddler toddler toddler, we need to get OUT OF THE HOUSE, wait, where are those clean diapers, I JUST HAD THEM– Matthew! Put that down– WHERE ARE MY KEYS? Why am I so TI– OH. RIGHT!”

    • Yeah – I think that’s a lot of it! I just have other things to focus on. I don’t say, “more important things,” even though that’s how it feels right now.

  3. I don’t think you have apathy (not that you said you did, but) I think you have ambivalence. Emotions too scattered for you to know how you feel, or to recognize it. Excited, guilty, tired, etc… they are kind of polarized, and maybe that’s what’s sort of blocking you? Anyway, I’m glad you’re doing well and not even sick at all!!! Wow! 🙂 I can’t lie, I’m pretty jealous about that no morning sickness thing. I don’t know what to tell you about the family stuff. My family is a lot the same I guess, and I still don’t know what to do about it. Specifically if I ever get pregnant again, I’m not sure I want to tell anyone. LOL.

    • Oh my gosh, that is exactly how I feel – I think to myself, “do we even need to tell them? I don’t think so. They’ll figure it out.” I just don’t like the idea of making a big deal of it, but also not doing enough to make it “special” for them. I just want to skip it, you know? It all will feel so fake given that things just aren’t good there right now.

      Ambivalence is a good word.

  4. No morning sickness? I cannot imagine. I prayed for it – so I would “have a sign” – and then I CURSED IT for the next 6 weeks that I vomited all day, ever day. The grass is always greener… 😉 Good for you for just ENJOYING not being sick! Glad to hear things are going along well in your world.

  5. I think it’s awesome you’re feeling so calm about this pregnancy. That is an amazing place to be.

  6. I had no morning sickness either (thx for helping me put on extra weight!) I think these are very normal feelings when pregnant with #2. Your whole
    Life before was all about this baby and now you have a life rant doesn’t revolved around trying to get pregnant. Enjoy it and the pregnancy 🙂

  7. Those are two good things to focus on! And don’t feel guilty about beating the odds. It won’t stop me from sticking my tongue out at you. :p But know that I’m smiling while I do it. 😀
    It’s refreshing to hear a story of a fellow traveller who’s graduated to the kiddie roller coaster. It’s a journey that should be joyful, so by all means enjoy it!

    • That’s nice of you to say! I don’t think the guilt will ever leave me – I’m a guilty person by nature (half-Catholic – HA!). It’s hard not to think of everyone else, wondering why they can’t get good news too. I just want everyone to get to the end of the journey, you know?

  8. Sounds like the tiredness just kicked in for you, I can’t imagine how hard that would be while chasing around a toddler. I remember that exhaustion well, coming home from work and just sleeping on the couch. Not so easy anymore, huh? I hope I’m as relaxed as you are during a future pregnancy, I think it’s great that you are. I also think everyone will feel guilt for something, we didn’t struggle enough, it was too easy, too soon, I stole someone else’s BFP. I swear, this community is so conscious of others feelings that we beat ourselves up. I bet those who don’t struggle to get pregnant would laugh when they hear some of the things we are guilty of. But it’s there, and it’s real, and one of the many things we have to deal with once we have been blessed with a pregnancy. I smiled when I read you took another test…of course you did. 🙂

    • Taking that test was my sense of control 😉

      You are right – we are all so aware of each other that guilt is part of the journey. I do agree that fertile people would be so confused by this – with the exception of my little sister. She felt terribly guilty when she had her surprise pregnancy when Matthew was 5 weeks old. She cried and cried to me about how unfair it was that it couldn’t be me. She’s a good fertile 😉

  9. Oh, how I can relate to feeling guilty about beating the odds. But then I think… wait, there is no such thing as “easy” when it comes to IF/loss. Perhaps #2 took less technical effort than #1, but the struggle for family is not isolated by child, but viewed as a whole. And the whole, sucked and was unfair for a long time. At least, to me it is. Don’t discount the tremendous care and effort you put into building your family. Part of that fresh cycle literally lives in this FET! But again – I understand the guilt. I wish every single one of us the family we dream of, and I wish it wasn’t so damn hard! “Survivor’s guilt” can be so tricky – just know that you are loved and we’re so happy for you! And it’s OKAY to be happy for yourself too. 🙂

    I also forgot that I was pregnant. Caring for a toddler, coupled with believing in myself and my body so much more, made early pregnancy a much more normal experience – at least, what I imagine “normal” must feel like! Now that TBD is all up in my area, I am worried, but about regular things like “How will I manage two? Where will we live? What if I forget how to BF?!?” It’s not that having one made me forget IF, not remotely, but rather it made me remember *myself* – and that’s a woman I hadn’t seen for a while.

    And girl – I am so proud of you for taking the reigns on your family situation. SO PROUD. That shizz makes me ass twitch. Even though you *know* that train ain’t never comin’ of the track, at least you can choose whether you stay on it or not!

  10. I can relate so much to much of this post! Seems like we’re saying this a lot to each other lately… Thanks so much for your kind words on my post about my mom – it’s nice to know that others like me are out there…

    I definitely hear you on the forgetting I’m pregnant thing. This is SO different than it was the last time. I’m hoping this means time will continue to go by fast, and I can just blow right through it – easily! And the guilt thing – oh, the guilt thing. Sure I hauled myself to the doc to get knocked up again, and sure I’m shooting myself up and popping pills to sustain it, but it seems so freaking easy! No emotional heartache about will it ever happen. I feel so bad for those that have to go through hell again to have the second, and here I am with the second (and third) just landing on my lap! (At least as much as it can with a FET cycle…)

    Glad to hear, once again, that there are others just like me out there. And I love the end – yep, those two are the important ones…

    • Isn’t it sad that we’re relieved when someone else understands our weird mother-daughter relationships? I felt the same way reading your post – like, “it’s not just ME!”

      Yes – it feels like it landed in my lap. I’m getting used to it, but it’s still weird.

  11. I remember that overwhelming exhaustion when I was pregnant and boy, it sure hit me hard! Hope you start getting a little more energy back soon, it’s exhausting growing a baby AND chasing a toddler around! My mom and I butt heads too from time to time, I often wish that we were more “friends” than mother/daughter now and that our relationship had made that change after I left home, got married, etc. I feel like she still views me as “her little girl” and doesn’t always take my feelings seriously. Bummer you are having to go through all of this, but I hope it gives your family the opportunity to talk everything out and get back on the same page!

  12. Thanks for your update and for being open about how you’re feeling.

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