I’ve been getting lots of text messages and emails asking me how I’m doing. I must be a little quiet – that’s not normal for me 😉
I’m doing well. I’m tired… so very, very tired. I don’t remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Matthew, but then again, I was crazy excited to finally be pregnant and maybe that energy kept the yawns at bay. I’m not feeling sick at all and I feel very fortunate here – I know this is not the case with many people. I was never sick with Matthew so I’m hoping this bodes well for the rest of this pregnancy.
To be perfectly honest (because am I ever anything but an open book?), I forget that I’m pregnant. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. I just plain forget a lot of the time. When you don’t have any symptoms (even my breasts aren’t going crazy yet unless Matthew steps on them), it’s easy to not even think about what’s going on in there.
I’m strangely calm about this pregnancy and just a little nervous for our ultrasound coming up in a couple of weeks. I know that I’ll walk in with the fear of God in me for that appointment, but right now, it’s just not phasing me. When I was pregnant with Matthew, it was ALL I thought about. Will there be one or two? If two, will they both be OK? Will there be a fetal pole? Will there be a heartbeat? Will it be measuring right on track? Will there be any concerns?
Yeah – none of those thoughts are really going through my mind. I’m not sure why, really. I have an inkling that it’s because I was not really thinking this would work – and I sort of counted on it not working. As everyone knows, I wanted a little more space between my kids and I viewed this cycle as the one to get out-of-the-way, the one to fail so that we could move on with our real cycle.
But this one did work. This one was our real cycle. And I’m still a little stunned. I just did not plan on it going this way at all.
And don’t get me wrong – I am thrilled that it worked. I am thrilled that it was just that easy. But I’m also having some guilt here – because it was just that easy. I read so many of you who are trying to get pregnant with a sibling for your current child, or who are still trying for your first – and I do feel guilty that I fell on the right side of the odds for once. When I got pregnant with Matthew, after a failed IVF cycle and an early loss with our FET, I felt that the odds had finally come up for me. There was no guilt whatsoever after 2.25 years of struggle.
This time – we beat the odds – and I just don’t know how to process that.
I do find myself thinking ahead as well. What do we do now that we have 5 embryos left? I know that our plan is to go for a third child, but what if that works right away like this one did and leaves us with 3 remaining embryos? That could happen given that we’ve had ZERO success with the embryos from that cycle and I have to believe there’s at least one good one in there waiting for us. I can’t have a fourth pregnancy due to my scheduled c-sections (please don’t chime in on doing a VBAC – we have already discussed this with our OB at length and the wonderful Dr. H (who supports me 100% in my choices) really doesn’t want to go there with me). This fact just hit me today – and it’s not like we even want 4 children, but I’m not prepared to make a decision later on for our “left-over” embryos if we do have them. I know I’m putting the cart WAY before the horse, but it’s is on my mind.
I find myself thinking about our extended families now that we’re going to be adding another member to them. Because of this, I tried to remedy an outstanding situation this past weekend with B’s sisters and it errupted even further. I believe it was a good development though – because we found out about some deep-seeded anger that had not been shared with us for over 5.5 years – but it still left me feeling irritated that no one seems to want to discuss things so that we can move on. Honest words were exchanged and then… silence. I am not an ostrich and it’s very hard for me to act like things are OK when they’re not, especially when I have some pretty important news to share with them soon. I have no idea how we’ll share our good news with them. BUT – I didn’t know how to do it before I addressed “the situation” this past weekend, so I’m not really in any different position than I was before (but I do feel much better having addressed my concerns). I don’t regret trying to remedy things, though, because that is who I am – talk about it, everyone says what they need to say, resolve it, and then we all move on and start fresh. No hard feelings.
I am the anomoly in this family 😉
So that is how I am. All-in-all, I’m really good! I am feeling some guilt, some joy, some happiness, some disappointment, some frustration, some uncertainty, but much love. I am trying not to think too hard about anything right now because I have a beautiful little boy who is so much fun right now (but when has he not been so much fun?!) and a husband who loves me even though I’m a bad wife sometimes (most times, recently). I need to drink those two up and forget the rest, and that’s what I’m trying really hard to do!