All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Not to Pass


The ALI community sure has been busy this week taking part in the “To Mom or Not to Mom” Open Salon hosted by Keiko and Pamela.  I am not one who really enjoys “assigned theme” posts  because they feel too much like school to me (HA!) and I’m a terrible procrastinator (and a week to get my assignment done usually is not enough time).  Hell, I buy the PAIL book club book every month and have yet to read one and take part in the discussion.

But today’s topic over at The Infertility Voice and Silent Sorority grabbed me, and I must comment.

The question posed is do we pass or not when it comes to sharing our infertility story?

I have chosen “not to pass” since we first started trying to have a baby.  I am an open book – I put almost everything on my blog because I have no filter and I’m just an over-sharer in general.  I love to share – there – I said it!

But that is me.  That is not you.  Nor do I feel that it should be you.

“Should infertility disclosure be an obligation for members of this community?”  No – absolutely not – but I feel that it is MY obligation.  I feel that it is MY obligation to share our story with someone who I think may be struggling in an attempt to make them feel not so alone.  I was lucky – I had close friends who both had struggled, or were struggling at the same time as us, with infertility.  The three of us were, and still are, thick as thieves.  We always will be.  Those two ladies were my lifeline – they kept me sane.  They kept me from taking B’s head off because they were my outlet for sharing my frustrations, jealousy, and anxiety about our infertility.

Some people don’t have offline friends who have been through infertility – or at least – they don’t know they do.  And that’s because some people decide to “take the pass” (which is fine).  For those people – the ones who feel alone and isolated – I will always share our story.  I will share our story if I know or think that you’re infertile or not – because if there’s any chance that you are (or that someone you know is) – I don’t want you (or them) to feel alone.  If knowing that I’ve been through it too will bring some peace to just one person’s mind – then it’s all worth it to me.

No one should suffer alone.  As long as I know you (or ran into you at the vet) – you won’t.





Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

15 thoughts on “Not to Pass

  1. I’m so glad you have chosen to share your story Courtney! I agree, if I can help someone else going through an infertility struggle, then I’ve accomplished something. Infertility can be very isolating (especially when your offline friends are the most fertile bunch out there), I’m glad to be part of this community.

    • I’m glad you’re a part of this community. I’m also really glad that you joined it when you did – instead of waiting like I did! I would have been much more sane had I had this outlet when trying for Matthew.

      PS – I saw the award you gave me and THANK YOU! I will be writing a post soon on it!

  2. I’m an oversharer as well – I wonder if that’s why I’ve been so open with our IF journey? 🙂 I wasn’t in the beginning with the general public b/c I didn’t want my boss at the time to know, but now I’ll tell anyone and every one who will listen, and I’ve had SO many people share their own stories with me as a result!

  3. Yep, I’m very similar. Definitely an over sharer! Way too many people in my life know about my twins already. Scary! But it’s ok. Someone at work told me that the gossip was flying around about me, and honestly it didn’t bother me! If we can all do our part by decreasing the stigma of infertility, imagine what can happen! Not that everyone need to – they need to do what makes them feel comfortable. But I like sharing, and so I will continue to do so!

    • Decreasing the stigma is so important, I think. So many people are ashamed of their IF diagnosis because they think they should be (just like mental illness). No one is ashamed of their diabetes – why are they about IF?

  4. I’m definitely an over-sharer. But I feel like I learn so much from other’s struggles and I think maybe other people can learn from me too.

  5. I’m frequently a big sharer too. I LOVE your vet story – how comforting that must have been in their isolation to stumble across a person who understood!

  6. Your openness is one of the things that really drew me to your blog– I love how unflinchingly honest you are (well, if you flinch, you conceal it well) without being, well, a dick about it 😉

  7. I’m so glad that you are able to be so open about your infertility. I have no doubt that the people at the vet really appreciated your candor. I know I do whenever anyone says anything that indicates they GET IT. Also, I have a couple questions, sparked in part by Jules’ post:

    1) Is B open like you are? I know neither of you is screaming, “this is our specific problem!!” but I wonder if that impacts how you view your IF. I feel almost embarrassed in my darker moments…

    and 2) Are you able to be open about your losses? I think that must be so incredibly difficult.

    • I think B is more open now than he was, but he still lets me do the talking. He’s like a lot of husbands who says, “I’m not going to share it with the world, but I don’t care if you tell people.” I’ve heard him tell other people, but usually people we know or people from work. We don’t tell people what the specific problem is – we try to keep private about that. I don’t really care what the problem is because it’s OUR IF, not his or mine, so I would tell the world. But he is right, some things don’t need to be put out there all the time.

      You know, I open about the loss all the time because for me, it really wasn’t a big deal. When we were going through it, I knew right away that it was going to be a loss and likely a “chemical” pregnancy. Had we stopped meds, that’s exactly what it would have been. It was our second IVF (well, first FET, but you know what I mean – second serious, lots-of-work-involved cycle) and I was just ready to move the hell on. I knew it was no good from the first beta and after that, but wanted it over. It was a grueling two weeks of betas, ultrasounds, and ultimately the D&C – but when the D&C was done, I was so, SO relieved! I never viewed it as a baby since there was never a fetal pole. Yes, that’s how I cope, but … it’s how I cope. So I tell everyone about it and there’s never sadness or gloom because I was just so glad to have it done. AND – it led to Matthew. All roads led to Matthew and thank God for that!

      (This kind of thinking is a direct result from how I was raised without my own reality, etc. “It can always be worse, so buck up!” HA!)

  8. Pingback: A Major Milestone Of Sorts « All the Sun For You

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