All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Expectations

28 Comments

Our beta is tomorrow.

I won’t be posting the number here on my blog.  I will simply notify if we’re looking good or not – but that is all.

And here’s why.  We’ve been here before.  We’ve been through 4 cycles now and so far, have 1.1 kids to show for them.  We’ve had the flat-out negative beta, a questionable beta (ended in an empty sac), and a super high “it must be twins” beta.  I learned very valuable lessons from each situation – the number means nothing specific and I don’t want speculation.

Speculation is normal.  Everyone has their own experiences to draw from.  We like to see other people with similar experiences (when they’re positive experiences).  I’ve seen quite a few bloggers with high betas lately and most of their commenters say, “I bet it’s twins.”  Well – I had an unusually high beta for 10dp5dt and betabase even had me at the highest end for twins.  Turned out I did have twins, but lost one before the ultrasound (could see its sad little sac degenerating away).  I always think about that when people post about their high betas, and then commenters chime in and speculate that twins are onboard.  It literally nauseates me (because of my own personal experience).

So I will avoid all of that speculation in an attempt at self-preservation.  But I will let you know if it’s looking good or not.

I also think that many blog posts (and their titles) announcing beta numbers and ultrasound results can be triggers for those TTC (#1 or #5 – it doesn’t really matter, right?).  I’m not judging here – just saying it’s not my cup of tea.  I am ultra-sensitive to this – I tend to follow lots of gals and guys still trying for their first take-home baby and I ache for them.  I don’t want to post anything that could upset them, especially something that pops up in their reader when they could be having a rough day.  I don’t want them to see my post title of “Baby on Board” and be caused even a moment of heartache.

So tomorrow, I will not be posting my beta numbers on my main blog.  I may put them in my TTC timeline – I’m not sure yet.  I do ask, though, that if I put the numbers there, please do not speculate within the comments as to what you think they mean.

This is weird territory for me, I feel like I’m straddling the fence.  I am excited, but I’m also still an infertile who very much feels that pain.  If I’m not feeling it for me, I’m feeling it for others.  And the truth is, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This is who I am.

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

28 thoughts on “Expectations

  1. Looking forward to your post tomorrow and I can totally understand why you don’t want to post the numbers. No biggie, we are all here to support you regardless of the numbers! 🙂 Hope you are having a wonderful Monday!

    • I hope you’re having a nice Monday as well! It’s warm, but gloomy here. Not complaining (well, I sort of am)…. just want some sunshine to go with our warm temps!

  2. Thank you for your sensitivity, what you wrote was very touching. I hope you have a good test tomorrow!

  3. I can understand your hesitation and the want to be sensitive of others. I respect your decision for not posting numbers. The number doesn’t matter, we just want to be there for you no matter what the outcome is to support you.

  4. Well I hope you post “looking good” on here tomorrow!!!!!!!!

  5. Loving your new pic at the top of your blog! Definitely keeping fingers crossed you have good news tomorrow, but you’re right, the numbers mean nothing. My betas were barely high enough to believe a singleton was in there. The fact is, you just never know. But yes, “looking good”, though not quantifiable, sounds like the perfect bit of news I’d like to hear from you. 🙂

    • Thanks! I fell in love with that photo yesterday and thought it was perfect for my header. 🙂

      I thought of your beta as I wrote this post – and of my beta as well. We’ve been through this enough to know that it’s just a number, huh? 😉

  6. I’m a numbers freak. #FellowSpreadsheetLover
    My vote is to post the numbers on your other page at least. 🙂 Good luck!

    • Thanks! Because of the collection of dark HPT’s I’ve got in my bathroom, I think tomorrow will be rather anti-climactic. I mean – we know something’s going on, right? 😉

  7. I totally get all of this. Wishing you a great beta and best wishes to you all around!

  8. I can’t believe tomorrow is already next Tuesday! I somehow managed not to Google the crap out of my beta numbers this time too. There is such a wide range of “normal” – just enough to make a person crazy.

    And Courtney – whatever makes you feel comfortable girl. I think you are such a wonderful, caring woman and I can see it right through the screen. “Looking good” is all the thumbs up *this blogger* wants and needs and hopes to see. XOXOXO

    • I know – it went fast, didn’t it? I swear, this was the fastest 2WW ever – but probably because of the super early BFP and the spotting on 3dp5dt. I mean – we knew on Monday that this was looking good.

      Yes – the wide range of normal makes it impossible to predict. If beta numbers predicted number of babies in the uterus, I’d have just put twins to bed. 😉

  9. Best of luck!! Keeping fingers crossed for you.

  10. This is a very interesting take, especially to someone that is going through beta hell right now and posting it all over the internet. I completely understand your sensitivity to others – this is very sweet and good of you.

    Best of luck to you – hope you get an amazing “looking good”!!!

  11. Fingers crossed for a “looking good!” 🙂

  12. I don’t know that any beta day can be anticlimactic….I took 10 TEN HPTs between 8dp5dt and beta day at 10dp5dt and I was still shocked when I heard the positive number and it wasn’t even high…just a positive, clinically proven to be pregnant to me was HUGE!

    I think it’s awesome you’re sensitive to others….I’m one of those people who feel if you’re following you know what’s up and a number after a picture of 10 HPT’s isn’t going to be any different…but I’m thinking for others….

    I’m wishing and hoping for the best of news tomorrow and a happy healthy full term pregnancy 🙂

    • Thanks, Sarah. I think Thursday’s number will be much more climactic for me. I’ve learned from my past that that first beta is just a number, and I’m pretty sure my number will be above 100 tomorrow. If it’s not – well, that will be a whole other variety of climactic, huh? 😉 What gets me excited is my doubling time, and I won’t know that until Thursday.

  13. You’re awfully wise, you know that? Wise and compassionate. ❤

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