Matthew kisses everything he loves, including his bird friend who keeps his tomato plant company!
The Monday Snapshot – Healed?
This weekend, I needed to look for something under my bathroom sink. Many things get tossed under my bathroom sink (extra hair products, toothbrush head replacements, contact solution), but something very personal is kept there too.
My used and unused fertility drugs, needles, prescription labels, and old HPT’s (only ones from my successful cycles) are kept under my sink – far away from anyone who would wonder why I still have them, but close enough for me to always know they’re there.
I had to dig and dig to find what I was looking for (and never found them) and pulled the bags full of unused needles, labels, extra meds, and HPT’s out to keep searching. I then found a 2 liter bottle full of fertility needles and used vials – probably from the cycle that worked for Matthew. I disposed of many, many IVF needles about 4 months ago and did not know that I still had a bottle full of used needles from our IVF efforts stashed away somewhere. I was sort of stunned to find them, actually.
Under my sink were 4 IVF (2 fresh and 2 frozen) cycles worth of used needles, memorabilia, and emotions.
And now in my garbage can, shred pile, and (proper) needle disposal containers are 4 IVF cycles worth of… nothing.
Several months ago, I was not ready to let go of all of this, especially the prescription labels. Today – I am.
As I cut the 2 liter bottle open (because you can’t dispose of them that way, apparently, so I needed to put them in laundry bottles instead) and sifted through various needles and vials of used medications, I remembered certain things. I thought about how I administered Foll.istim (I had forgotten how the needles screwed onto the pen), how I mixed my Repron.ex each night, and how surprised I was that Ovid.rel came in glass syringes.
But I was not emotional.
I was not at all clinging onto these things any longer. The same is true for the prescription labels I dutifully pulled off of boxes and bottles to put in the shred pile as I put the bottles and boxes in the trash.
I felt nothing.
I thought a little about the HPT’s from this cycle and decided to just keep the first one that showed me that Bryson was coming (4dp5dt) and the one taken at 7dp5dt because that was the date of the one I still have from Matthew’s cycle (they were transferred on the exact same date, just 2 years apart). All the rest went in the trash can.
Am I healed from the pain of our infertility? Those prescription labels were a testament to what we went through, the years of agony and depression, the effort we put into building our family. Today – they are nothing more than trash.
I dare say I might be healed… and that’s a good feeling!
This is my contribution to the Monday Snapshot at PAIL.
Everything is Temporary
My outlook on parenting has been pretty laid back. I don’t get bent out of shape about many things, and have mellowed, as a person, since becoming a mom. The same thing happened to my younger sister. She was wound up as tight as a clock before having kids, and once she had her first one, she just relaxed. I remember being shocked by my little sister’s transformation – and here it’s happened to me now. But I’m not so shocked by it this time.
My outlook on everything parenting-related is that, “this is temporary.” Breastfeeding woes? They’re temporary. A baby who wakes multiple times a night? This will pass. Food strikes? Give it a week or so. Tantrums and fits? It may take a while, but this too shall pass. A refusal to eat dinner? Represent the food later in the evening.
So far, this outlook has worked wonders for me and my sense of calm.
When we went into transitioning Matthew to the big bed, I told myself that whatever happens, however long it takes me to get him to sleep each night – that it will pass. The first night was rough – I had to lay with him for an hour or maybe even longer. The second night dropped to 35 minutes and I thought I was rocking it. I was wrong. That was temporary 😉 The next night jumped up to 45 minutes and most nights after that took about 40-45 minutes to get him to sleep. (I am staying with him until he’s asleep because I just don’t want to have the fight about him getting out of bed. I want him to think that when he goes to bed – that it’s not an option to get up and wander around his room.)
Last night went really well. I was shocked, but I thought it was temporary. Tonight went even better! I think we’ve turned the corner to a much better, much faster bedtime routine. The last two nights, Matthew has welcomed bedtime stories with B (he used to cry for me every time). B is having him sit beside him verses on his lap, and Matthew seems to enjoy that. The last three nights, I’ve been taking his big blankets away after we sing because they were distracting him (covering himself up, then taking them off, then covering up again, etc.). He is more settled this way. The last several nights, I’ve encouraged him to lay on the pillows instead of me, and we’re both more comfortable. Matthew falls asleep laying beside me, not on me, and he doesn’t need to face me or touch me to fall asleep. We’re getting so close to me being able to lay him up on the pillows and walk out the minute his little eyes shut.
I was only in Matthew’s room for 21 minutes tonight. Before this transition, I was in his room with him for 13 minutes each night (I know this because of our singing routine). I will happily spend 20 minutes with him each night going forward if he’ll let me! Matthew was asleep at 8:55 – just 17 minutes after B walked out of the room. He hasn’t been asleep at 8:55 in over a month!
And.. Matthew’s still sleeping through the night. I’ve only had to go in to calm him down (AKA keep him in bed) twice in the nine nights he’s spent in his room. Sure, I went in to lay with him at 5:40 this morning to keep him in bed, but that has only happened twice as well. He’s getting up earlier than we’d like (6-6:30), but if we can get him to sleep at 9:00 each night, I’m OK with that. It’s a give and take. As long as he gets 9 hours of sleep each night, and 2-3 hours of nap time each day, I don’t really care what time he gets up in the morning (well, I do care because before 6:00 is not acceptable).
Everything is temporary. That outlook gets me through the tough times, and helps me marvel in the great times! I need to remember this in two weeks when we bring a new baby into this house!
Ready!
Bryson can be born now – I’m ready! I spent the day yesterday boiling a few new bottles (Med.ela Calm.a and Lan.sinoh Momm.a) and all of my breast pump parts. Man alive, I have a TON of breast pump parts! I pumped after every feeding with Matthew, and wanted clean parts each time so that I wasn’t washing parts all day. Now, I have quite the collection. It is handy having lots of clean parts ready for use, but it takes a lot of work to sterilize them all and then keep them organized. I’m not looking forward to the counter space they’ll take up!
Two pots going at all times – it was a hot kitchen!
I also did all of Bryson’s laundry! It was already washed and ready to go, but I wanted them all to smell fresh for him (since it’s been a year and 3 months of storage), so I got my two tubs of 0-3 months clothes out from the basement and washed them all in Dre.ft. Folding them wasn’t much fun, but it was fun going through all of them, remembering Matthew in them, and marveling that we’ll have a tiny baby again before we know it. Of course, my babies are not as tiny as one would expect – so the clothes actually look bigger than you’d expect for a newborn. I’m anxious to see what this little boy weighs in two weeks!
I moved Matthew’s clothes out of the nursery and into his new room. WOW – that felt weird. We are finalizing things these final two weeks and Matthew doesn’t even miss his old room. He naps in there still (it’s nice and dark) and he enjoys that, but that is all. When we tell him to go to his room (not NEW room, just HIS room), he runs for the blue room with much excitement. This is great! He is sleeping just great each night (I haven’t had to go in at night in several days) and is falling asleep more quickly now. It still takes a good 30 minutes to get him to sleep, but that’s better than 60.
After getting Matthew’s clothes out of the room, I was able to move Bryson’s clothes in last night. The room is pretty torn up with moving Matthew’s stuff out (lots of empty space on the walls), but it is 100% functional for Bryson, which is great. What a relief!
I still want these two weeks with Matthew, but I feel better knowing that we TRULY are ready for Bryson if he decides to come early. Whew!
Wordless Wednesday – We’re Almost There!
There’s more to do, but we’re getting there! I’ve been keeping progress reports here!
View coming into the room
How it looks from Matthew’s point of view!
The Monday Snapshot – Big Boy Bed!
Well… we did it! We didn’t even plan it – it just happened.
Let me explain.
My friend, Denise, came over with her daughter who Matthew thinks is his girlfriend. He LOVES showing off for her so immediately took her into his “new room” to show her his bed. He climbed up on the bed and they played and laughed with his stuffed animals. Upon seeing this, I turned to B and asked, “do you think we should let him try sleeping in here tonight?” He said we should give it a go so we did.
Just like that!
It took me a full hour to get Matthew to settle down for bed last night. He kept sitting up when I’d try to escape and point to the bed and say, “sit down, sit down.” What can you say to that besides yes? I mean, really! He finally drifted off and I escaped at 10:15. He woke up at 1 “something” and I went in immediately. He has bed rails up, but he could get down if he tried or was pushing himself around in bed in his sleep (which he does do), so I was ready to go in instantly (I didn’t sleep well last night. SO NERVOUS!). I ran in, laid down next to Matthew and calmed him, and that was it. Or maybe it wasn’t, because I thought I was awake but came back to bed at 2:12 – so I may have been in there longer than I think. HA!
Matthew then stirred again at 4 but was settled before I could get out of bed. He woke up at 6:15 (an hour earlier than normal) and we got him up for the day! The new room is a lot brighter than his current room due to the arched window up above the main window. We did put blackout curtains over the blinds that were there, but that top window lets so much light in that if he stirs in the AM hours and notices the light, he’ll be up for the day (until he gets used to it, that is).
This is a terrible picture, but here are the curtains and print hung up! Those curtains to block the light well!
We started bed time a little later today because Matthew napped super late due to an “almost nap strike.” He only slept 8 hours total last night, so I insisted he nap and tried 3 times to put him down (he is still napping in his crib due to the light). I started singing to Matthew tonight at 9:20 and was out of there at 9:48 – a total of 28 minutes! Last night took an hour. We’re making progress!
This is not at all how we planned to do this. We planned to start him out in his new crib for naps starting today and let him sleep in the crib at night for a few weeks, but he seemed so enamored with his new room (which isn’t even finished yet!) that we figured we should do it at night when it’s dark. So we totally changed our plan and it’s working. I know that this is working as it is because we’ve had the bed setup for weeks and we’ve been letting him play in his new room since then – so he really likes it. I just don’t think it would be going this well if we’d converted his crib to the toddler bed or full bed – because it would have been totally foreign to him. But who knows!
And who knows what tonight will bring. I may be eating my words tomorrow!
This is my contribution to the Monday Snapshot over at PAIL Bloggers. For more cute kids, click here!
Why I Was Sad
When we were going through infertility, I was very depressed and sad. I couldn’t get my mind off of what we didn’t have, and what we may never have. A family member was going through IF at the same time as us (but was on her 4th year of it while we were in our 2nd and 3rd years) and once said, “my family doesn’t understand that I think about our infertility about 98% of the time.” I completely agreed with that – because that’s how I was too. I was a bad wife during that time, an unfocused employee, and a selfish friend – because my mind was always on our inability to have a baby (even with treatments).
I would wonder in those days what I thought I was missing. I knew that I was missing the idea of a baby – that I really didn’t even know what having a baby would be like. People would say things like, ‘until you have a child, you have no idea how much joy parenthood is’ (why did people say this to me during our struggles? WHY?). I knew they were right though – I knew that there was no way for me to quite understand what I was missing out on, and I think that made the sadness even worse. I WANTED to know the joy that so many people attain so easily. I often said that I wasn’t sure why I was so sad, because it’s not like I really KNOW what we’re missing out on. But I did know we were missing out on something very special. I did know that we were missing out on the one thing I had always wanted most in my life. I knew we were missing out on an unexplainable joy that I hoped we would realize one day.
Today, while getting Matthew ready for his nap, I was changing his diaper and he quickly pointed out his belly button and laughed hysterically. At that moment, I thought, “this is why I was sad.” What is funny about a child pointing at their belly button and laughing? You can’t describe why that’s funny – and without the experience, you just don’t get it. But when it’s your kid getting such joy out of his own belly button, it gives you the greatest chuckle.
There are many moments like these throughout the day – too many to count. I stay home with Matthew and witness almost everything he does, and I feel bad for B that he doesn’t get to witness the same things. Matthew has so many happy, fun, joyful moments that I can’t even remember them all to tell B about them. I do my best to take photos and send them to B throughout the day, but there is just so much I can’t capture.
And this is why I was sad during our IF experience. I was missing out on so many things that I didn’t even know would bring me such joy. I was missing out on the simplest joy in the world – the view of the world through a child’s eyes.
I am so glad we’re past the sadness. It was a dark time – a hard time (hell – it was an impossible time). I look forward to the day when all the gals I follow on the ALI journey are past the sadness too. What a happy day that will be!
So much joy in a such a small little person!
Scares and Realizations
We had a bit of a scare yesterday – and I’ll start by saying that everything is fine.
I had an earlier start than normal yesterday morning because Matthew and I were both ready to get the day started. B had taken off for the gym at 5:30 and I never really fell back asleep after he left, so by the time Matthew got up at 7:00 and finished breakfast and his normal Curious George viewing by 8:15, we were ready to get a move-on!
As I hopped in the shower, I wondered why I hadn’t felt Bryson move yet. I thought and thought about the last time I felt him move, and the last time was around 11:30 the night before. I didn’t panic, but was a bit concerned. As we showered, I thought back to when I got up to use the bathroom at 3:00 and again at 5:30 that morning, and realized that despite his normal routine, Bryson didn’t move. As I tried not to freak out and rush our shower, my mind was racing as I was trying to shake Bryson awake. Nothing was working.
When we finished up, I promptly got Matthew dressed and then downed a bunch of cold water. Nothing. I texted B that I needed him home and why. I tried calling him too. He wasn’t responding. I leaned up against the bathroom counter which always gets Bryson riled up, and again – nothing. I laid on the floor and had Matthew sit on my belly (Bryson hates that), and again – nothing. I laid on my side in the bed and talked to B long enough to just tell him to get home NOW, and again – nothing. Back to the bathroom counter I went and I thought maybe I felt something, but then realized it was my pulse I was feeling. My mind kept going to those awful places you can’t help, and I was feeling scared that we were maybe in some trouble.
I don’t do kick counts with this baby. I did with Matthew since he didn’t move a ton, but Bryson is so predictable. I ALWAYS know the last time I felt him moving because he’s moving, and kicking the hell out of me, all the time. When I get up to use the restroom in the night, he wakes up too. When I get up to check on Matthew when he’s sick, Bryson gets up too. The minute I’m up in the morning, he’s up and making his presence known very firmly, and for hours at a time. He’s an active baby. Realizing that I’d felt nothing from him in over 9 hours was freaking me out, especially when my efforts at waking him up were going un-noticed by him.
As I stood at that bathroom counter, wondering if I should call the doctor (in two pregnancies so far, I’ve only called the doctor once with a concern), the phone rang. It was the triage nurse – B had called her after we hung up. She asked what was going on, asked if I was doing kick counts (I explained why I don’t need to – and why I was freaking out), and told me what she wanted me to do. I was to eat something high in sugar, drink more cold water, and lay down for up to an hour, or until I felt 10 movements. I know all of this, and was trying it leading up to this point (besides the sugar because we don’t have that stuff in the house), but I really needed to just FOCUS and not have a toddler to tend to. I ate Matthew’s rejected blueberries and a banana and got in bed just as B was getting home. He came home to me in tears, waiting desperately for some movement. I asked him to get me a super icy water bottle and with that and the banana, Bryson finally woke up. He wasn’t near as active as he usually is, but as time went on, he got stronger and I only counted the good kicks because I wasn’t messing around with this. It took 16 minutes from the first strong kick to the 10th – so that’s pretty good. I laid there longer just letting him beat on me… feeling good knowing he was OK. (And I called the nurse back, letting her know that things were fine.)
After that, our day really started and we had a great day. I think it’s amazing how quickly things can go from a complete panic attack to perfectly fine. All I needed was for my baby to move like he usually does and I could move on.
What did come from all of this is B’s realization that we really are close to having this baby and he needs to keep his phone with him and turned up at all times, my realization that we must keep something sugary in the house in case this happens again (my awesome neighbor gave me a Snic.kers bar for this – and it’s been hard not eating it!), and… I finally packed for the hospital. Because this baby is REAL and he is coming any time now. I’ll be 36 weeks this Saturday, and he truly could make an appearance at any point in time.
What did I pack? I want to list it here in case we have another baby in a couple of years. With Matthew, I just packed shit – lots of it. I didn’t need a bunch of it so I’m not doing that this time around. I was very methodical:
- 3 of my own maternity/nursing hospital gowns (I highly recommend these – they’re pretty and more comfortable!)
- 5 baby nightgowns (all worn by Matthew – they are so cute!)
- 2 muslin swaddling blankets
- 2 swaddlers just in case he’s good at getting his hands out of the hospital blankets used to swaddle him
- 2 “coming home” outfits for Bryson (I will decide which one he wears once he’s born)
- 1 “coming home” hat for Bryson
- 1 pair of “coming home” booties for Bryson
- 2 newborn baby hats for photos (thank you, Etsy!)
- 1 special blanket for Bryson (bought this today at my favorite baby boutique – yay!)
- Ear plugs (B will be with me and can wake me when Bryson wakes up in the night)
- Contact solution, case, toothbrush, toothpaste, makeup, hair products, lip balm, etc.
- Med.ela hydrogel pads for relieving sad nipples
I will pack an outfit for me to come home in later on – I need to keep wearing my faves for now!
Today has been much better – Bryson is back to his normal self and beating me up for hours at a time. I prefer it this way!
(Almost) Wordless Wednesday – Progress But Not There Yet…
We’re getting there!
The Monday Snapshot – Pucker Up!
Matthew loves citrus fruits, especially extra sour ones. We can’t get beverages with limes or lemons anymore without fully expecting him to Bogart the garnish! He doesn’t just like to try them – he likes to devour them!
All the Sun For You 