When we were going through infertility, I was very depressed and sad. I couldn’t get my mind off of what we didn’t have, and what we may never have. A family member was going through IF at the same time as us (but was on her 4th year of it while we were in our 2nd and 3rd years) and once said, “my family doesn’t understand that I think about our infertility about 98% of the time.” I completely agreed with that – because that’s how I was too. I was a bad wife during that time, an unfocused employee, and a selfish friend – because my mind was always on our inability to have a baby (even with treatments).
I would wonder in those days what I thought I was missing. I knew that I was missing the idea of a baby – that I really didn’t even know what having a baby would be like. People would say things like, ‘until you have a child, you have no idea how much joy parenthood is’ (why did people say this to me during our struggles? WHY?). I knew they were right though – I knew that there was no way for me to quite understand what I was missing out on, and I think that made the sadness even worse. I WANTED to know the joy that so many people attain so easily. I often said that I wasn’t sure why I was so sad, because it’s not like I really KNOW what we’re missing out on. But I did know we were missing out on something very special. I did know that we were missing out on the one thing I had always wanted most in my life. I knew we were missing out on an unexplainable joy that I hoped we would realize one day.
Today, while getting Matthew ready for his nap, I was changing his diaper and he quickly pointed out his belly button and laughed hysterically. At that moment, I thought, “this is why I was sad.” What is funny about a child pointing at their belly button and laughing? You can’t describe why that’s funny – and without the experience, you just don’t get it. But when it’s your kid getting such joy out of his own belly button, it gives you the greatest chuckle.
There are many moments like these throughout the day – too many to count. I stay home with Matthew and witness almost everything he does, and I feel bad for B that he doesn’t get to witness the same things. Matthew has so many happy, fun, joyful moments that I can’t even remember them all to tell B about them. I do my best to take photos and send them to B throughout the day, but there is just so much I can’t capture.
And this is why I was sad during our IF experience. I was missing out on so many things that I didn’t even know would bring me such joy. I was missing out on the simplest joy in the world – the view of the world through a child’s eyes.
I am so glad we’re past the sadness. It was a dark time – a hard time (hell – it was an impossible time). I look forward to the day when all the gals I follow on the ALI journey are past the sadness too. What a happy day that will be!