Matthew woke up tired, and a bit cranky. After breakfast, I decided to try to let him sleep longer. This happened… for 2+ hours.
2 hours in and he’s still out cold. Heaven for mama!
Awwwwe…. snuggles!
Awake and searching for Lily, the kitty!
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Matthew has been on a bit of a food strike for a few days. He eats… soups, avocados, yogurt, cottage cheese, hard cheeses, and fruit. That’s it right now. He will dabble in meats and an occassional veggie, but he’s really just holding out for Mom’s soup and his “dessert” of fresh fruit.
Sigh.
I so hope his fabulous eating skills come back. Careful what you wish for, right?
He’s not playing peek-a-boo 😦
This is part of a weekly feature over at PAIL called The Monday
Snapshot.
What a weekend! On Wednesday, we decided we needed to get out of town – we just needed to GO SOMEWHERE. I suggested Kansas City because, well, I love it there and the last time we headed out of town, we went to Minneapolis so I didn’t want to do that again. We’ll go to Minneapolis soon enough, I’m sure (I love MSP – I would move there in a heartbeat if B wanted to).
We invited our friends to come with us who have a new baby – and they were itching to go somewhere too so they came down Saturday around noon. We had a great time!
When B and I travel, most things revolve around food. We are always looking for some place new to try, and are open to just about anything. Matthew is open to most foods too, so we’re pretty lucky there. What Matthew can’t handle, unfortunately, is a long dinner at a quiet restaurant. So, on Friday night we went across the street from our favorite KC restaurant (too quiet for Matthew!) and had some fancy Mexican food. I love Mexican food. I love it more than any other food type in the world. I cannot get enough of it. This place did not disappoint. But – Matthew was a hot mess and tired from the drive down, so we wrapped up pretty quickly and got him back to the hotel for bed. For some reason, the grilled chicken and superbly cooked veggies weren’t doing it for him (and truly – they were fantastic!). Sigh.
We did stop at a wine and cheese shop and picked up lots of fancy chocolates (B loves chocolate!) and a bottle of red wine for later. Matthew enjoyed sampling the cheeses which was nice since he didn’t eat much dinner 😉 B enjoyed picking out chocolates. I enjoyed just being out on a nice night!
Bedtime went ridiculously well – Matthew only cried for 30 seconds and he was out cold. We had our chocolate and wine but we feared waking him so we went to bed shortly thereafter. I think it was the earliest I’ve gone to bed in years (9:40).
Matthew woke up too early on Saturday and wanted to get out and about, so B took him out for coffee so I could sleep a bit. Matthew was tossing and turning all night long, and being a light sleeper and a nervous mother (I like to be constantly aware of how he’s sleeping), I heard every sigh, flip, and grunt. I basically had been awake since 4 AM so I welcomed a little extra sleep with great enthusiasm. I made it count 😉
We shopped and shopped – but really just walked and walked. It was beautiful in KC and the Plaza is perfect for getting out and about and just enjoying the weather. I did find some shirts for Matthew that I’ve wanted but refused to pay the ridiculous prices for – but they were on SALE so I got them (it was a crazy sale, ladies)! We went to our favorite place for lunch (Houston’s) because they have the BEST smoked salmon but what do you know? They changed the salmon since we were last there and it wasn’t cooked enough for Matthew. As everyone knows, Matthew LOVES salmon so we were super excited about getting this for him (cold smoked – ummmm!) but alas – we could not. We ended up getting him tuna (figured we should try it) but he hated it, lost his shit, and we were out of there.
Notice a trend???
I headed out with Matthew as B got our salads boxed up (best salad ever – I am so sad I didn’t get to savor it!) and we went back for a nap. Our friends weren’t in town yet so the timing was great and I snuggled with my boys. It does not get better than that! Matthew slept on my chest and sure – my neck was all screwed up and I didn’t really sleep – but my nose was buried in his sweet hair and I was in heaven! This nap lasted almost 3 hours. Wonderful!
We then headed back out with our friends and picked up cupcakes (more on this later), played at a park, and then grabbed a quick early dinner before the rush. Again, Matthew was not having it so we boxed up his food once we were all done and headed out.
What is going on with this kid who used to love going out to eat???
We all stopped at the wine shop again and got some goodies for the night. Upon returning to the hotel, we put Matthew to bed (not a peep out of him) and S and I sent our husbands down to the hotel bar with a free pass to stay out as late as they wanted, and to drink as much as they felt the urge to drink. S and I had a great time sitting on the sofa, dishing about the latest happenings in our lives, eating chocolates and cupcakes, and drinking wine. B bought me a bottle of bubbly and I drank that whole thing – and didn’t even get tipsy (what is wrong with me – I never drink so this makes no sense?!). We shared the best cupcake we’d ever had (strawberry lemonade and HOLY HELL it was GOOD!) and I got to hold her new baby the entire time (LOVE!). The guys came back late and expectedly tipsy. We all sat around and laughed and laughed before parting ways and going to bed.
GREAT NIGHT!
This morning consisted of a sleepy baby who woke up too early, had his morning milk, slept for another 15 minutes on my chest (oh my back!), tried to get up for about 45 minutes but was cranky the whole time, and then took a nap on me for 1.5 hours. I am not kidding – he went down for a ” nap” from 7:30 AM – 9:00 AM. CRAZY! He woke up still tired and that’s when I got that cute photo of him with B on the sofa. I’ve never seen Matthew so mellow in my life! It was precious.
We headed out for brunch – back to the Mexican place – and had a great breakfast. The babies behaved and it was quite enjoyable. We then parted ways with our friends so that I could get to the highlight of the trip!
We met up with Steph, JJ, and Chloe from Blawndie’s Blawg and had a super fun time! We went to a local park and let the kids and hubs play while we chatted. This was my first experience meeting a bloggie friend and it was super fun! Matthew was exhausted (really? After a 1.5 hour morning nap and 10 hours of sleep prior to that?) and very stoic, but he showed his dad what it’s like to parent solo at the park 😉 The kids swapped sippy cups and Matthew attempted to steal a kiss from Chloe before he realized that we were trying to photograph them. HA! Chloe was just as cute in person as I was expecting (I can’t get over her cuteness and her blonde curls!), and we escaped the morning without a hair pulling incident (Matthew loves to pull hair – a lot!), so I would call it a success. 🙂
Matthew was asleep before we hit the road – he crashed while we were filling the car with gas. He slept the whole way home and was still exhausted when we got home. He was in bed at 8:30 sharp – sound asleep. B says he’s going through a growth spurt and I’m starting to buy into that.
I didn’t take a lot of photos but these capture some highlights:
So this Monday’s snapshot is not about Matthew, and it’s not about parenting, and it’s not about IF. It’s about ME!
This is my latest project… or… these are my latest projects. They’re not even half done, but they will be done this week and up for sale soon on Etsy. Mama’s making this family some (a little) money. HA!
This post is part of PAIL’s weekly series, The Monday Snapshot. Please head over to meet our guest host of this week, Mrs. Gamgee! To join in, click on the link and add in your post!
Grayson, how can you be 2 years old? I’ve been reading your mom’s blog since March and I still (and probably always will) think of you as that cute little 18 month-old in his snappy little shortalls 😉
You inspire me, little man, and so does your mama! A day does not go by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you’re up to, or wonder what you’re learning at school. You are such a strong, brave little guy who finds so much joy in life (and Veggie Tales!). I always look forward to your mom’s updates and photos because YOU make me smile, Grayson 🙂
Happy birthday, buddy! I hope it’s wonderful, and tasty, and fun, and so exhausting that you sleep like a baby and dream all night of the things you’re going to do in year 3!
The PAIL Monthly Theme post for September is “Guilt and Grieving.”
This is a tough topic for me because my feelings are all over the place. I mean – ALL OVER THE PLACE. Something happened just the other day that brought out my ugly IF side – but more on that later.
PAIL asked this month what we lost with our IF struggle, what we grieve. Good questions… and ones I needed to think about.
I don’t really think I grieve much when it comes to our infertility. I am an “everything happens for a reason” kind of gal. I have always lived my life that way and applied it to our IF struggle (which did not make it any easier, but helped me keep trudging along). On June 27th in 2011, as we pulled into our neighborhood with Matthew in the back seat, on our way home from the hospital with him, I turned to B and said, “all of the shit that got us here was worth it. If we hadn’t had that miscarriage (with the FET), we wouldn’t have Matthew. If the IVF had worked the first time, there’d be no Matthew. I’m so glad those things happened.”
Honestly. I said that.
And… I still feel that. I am so glad those things happened. I am so glad we had to do IVF to get him because if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have him. We’d have another baby that we would love just as much, but it wouldn’t be him. I feel that so deep down in my core that it has become a part of me – IVF was a gift that gave me my wonderful boy!
I do grieve our first failed IVF cycle because it was so hard on us emotionally. We never thought for a moment that it wouldn’t work. We had a clear diagnosis, we had a well-defined protocol, we had a great stimming experience until the very end, we had great retrieval numbers (16 eggs), and we had 9 stellar embryos, 2 of which were transferred and 7 frozen. We were nothing but positive – but it failed. If positive thinking gets you pregnant, then I should have been pregnant with IVF #1 because there was no one more positive than me. The thought that it may not work never really crossed my mind. So yeah, the memory of that first failure – of B coming down the stairs to tell me that it didn’t work and then me losing my shit and him holding me as I sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably – I grieve that memory. I always will.
But it’s not because it failed. It’s because it killed the hope within me. Every cycle after that became less and less exciting – so much so that by the time we did IVF #2 (after an early loss with FET #1), I had no fight left in me and I just did what the doctors said to do. I didn’t read into anything, I didn’t ask them if they thought it would work, I didn’t pay much attention to the ultrasounds when they counted my follicles. I just went in, let them do what they needed to do, said hello to the people I loved to see, and walked out. I didn’t get excited about anything. I figured it would fail. I had no hope. That makes me sad – but it is what it is – and I honestly think that that helped me cope with that final IVF cycle that resulted in Matthew. I do believe it made it even more special when it worked. That phone call was magical!
I lost a lot with my IF experience. I lost hope, I lost peace, and I lost optimism. My pregnancy was awesome – it was almost perfect aside from the debilitating heartburn (which was remedied with a prescription) – but I was so nervous the entire time. All I thought about was how the baby was doing. I was nervous before every single ultrasound and each time the doctor used the doppler. I counted kicks like a crazy woman even before you’re supposed to (before you can rely on regular movement). I counted down my pregnancy in days, not weeks, because every day down was one day closer to a live baby. I was so nervous about still birth that I checked out NILMDTS and searched photographers in our area and picked the one I liked best in case the worst happened (true story – and this is how we found our birth photographer which was awesome!). IF robbed me of a mentally pleasant pregnancy. I had the physically pleasant pregnancy, and I loved every moment of that, but I was constantly worried that the baby was going to die and we’d have to start all over again.
IF also robbed me of being genuinely happy for other pregnant people. I still struggle with this today. I’m getting much better, but sometimes there are still feelings of envy when someone gets pregnant easily. Just the other day, a friend told me that she’s pregnant and I was genuinely happy for her (truly!) and I was so proud of myself. This was a big deal for me because it was one of many recent pregnancy announcements that made me happy for the person instead of jealous. I feel like I’ve turned a big corner in this department. I then asked her if she was excited and she said, ‘no, to be quite honest. I don’t like having babies until they’re 18 months old.’ It took everything in me not to pack up Matthew and his things and leave their house immediately. My ugly IF side returned instantaneously. I am apparently very fickle when it comes to pregnancy announcements 😉 If you don’t say it just so, then I may lose my shit. Ugh.
IF has made me very self-centered, and for that, I feel guilty. Take the story above as an example. When this friend told me that she wasn’t excited to be pregnant (which I just don’t understand if she was trying to get pregnant, which she was), my first thought was, “how can you say that to your friend who you know has to go home in 2 hours to give herself a shot in an attempt to get pregnant?” I hate this about myself – because it’s not about me. But I make it about me. Being jealous of pregnant people is ridiculous because they didn’t get pregnant AT ME – they just got pregnant. End of story. But I still take it personally. I take it very personally when they tell me it was an accident or that they aren’t excited about it. I need to work on this. I know that. I feel guilty about this all the time. I need to keep reminding myself that it is not about me – someone else’s fertility has nothing to do with my infertility.
I don’t feel guilt anymore when I read TTC blogs. I feel empathy. I still read quite a few TTC blogs because I want to support those gals who still don’t have their first baby. Trying to get that first baby is so hard – it’s just exhausting. Because of that, I will always continue to throw my support to those trying for #1 – because it’s a dark lonely place – and it’s hard to keep hope alive. But I don’t feel guilty. I did my time, and I’m doing it again, and my guilt won’t help these women get pregnant. It just won’t.
So how’s that for being all over the place? 😉
And with that, I’ll close with a picture of the boy that was worth it all – and continues to be worth every emotion that courses through me.
The other day around nap time, Matthew fell asleep in the car on the way home from lunch. This was not uncommon – he does that quite a bit. I usually have to carry him in (awake), change his diaper, put him in a sleep sack, and then rock him back to sleep a bit.
But this day was different. Matthew was a little punchy at lunch and I was a bit frustrated – I mean – we were at chick-fil-WHG and he loves it there. Nothing makes him happier than his grilled nuggets, cinnamon applesauce, and friendly people. This day, he was screaming and yelling, and was very obviously irritated with me for some reason. We left abruptly (sorry, S!) and headed home. He was asleep in the car within 60 seconds.
Ah – that was the problem – he was beyond tired!
But this time, when we got home, he didn’t wake up when I got him out of the car. I made the decision to not give him a new diaper, to not put him in a sleep sack. Instead, we sat in the rocker and I rocked my sleeping baby, and then put him in his crib – day-time pants and all (he’s never slept in day-time pants – ever) and he slept his normal nap time of 3 hours.
It was so reminiscent of when he was a tiny baby and would sleep through anything – and I savored it!
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There was nothing but silence coming from Matthew’s room for some time, which usually means he’s up to no good 😉
He emptied his book bin (behind the chair) and the box of wipes. When I came in, he was sitting on the floor reading “The Thinks you can Think” with a wipe in each hand.
This is part of The Monday Snapshot over at PAIL (formerly Memorable Moment Monday). Click on over and join in!
Hello, Friends!
I wanted to let you all know that we’re good. B and I are great – after a long day of trouble and some tears caused by unethical people, and a pep talk from “Dear Old Dad” who said, ‘B is a wonderful person who we all love and this is harder on him than it is on you,’ we have moved past “the situation” and are enjoying our weekend together.
I didn’t want anyone thinking that I’m torturing B with tears and angst over “the situation.” HA! Our very good friends loaned us one of their cars for the week (she can’t drive because she just had her first baby – YAY!), and we greatly appreciate that. It looks like I may have a new vehicle by the end of the week, if all works out well, and that’s a good thing. Great friends, a wonderful baby toddler, and each other… what else can one gal really ask for (besides Diet P.ep.si)?
I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! It’s raining here… but that’s alright. Matthew is back in jammies and playing around the house with B and the kitties. We had one of the cuter moments of Matthew’s toddlerhood just today. I put him in some new jammies with a huge dinosaur on the front, and he seemed to like them. I said, “go show Daddy your new jammies,” and he sprinted out of the room, turned the corner and stopped in his tracks, and squeeled at B to look. He was standing there with his hands in the air, with the biggest sh*t-eating grin on his face.
Great way to end a long weekend! (I forot it was Monday, and was looking forward to posting my Memorable Moment tomorrow. But it’s today. So this will be that moment!)
“I love my new jammies!”
Ugh. We had company over last night and our social cat, Jackson, wanted to be close to everyone. I told our visitors that he’s usually pretty good with the kids and will just move if they’re bothering him, which is true. I forgot that he does not move when we have company though – because he really, really likes having visitors. Right after I said that he can be trusted, Matthew got swiped – and it was bad. He bled right away and it bled for a long time. He looked like Frankenstein – the slash was perfectly horizontal on his forehead, about 2.5 inches long, with long drips coming from it along the entire length of it. AWFUL! He was unfazed, thank God. We were horrified.
Jackson still resides here ;), but he was on our sh*t list last night, that’s for sure. I usually defend him but there was nothing to defend this time.
It looks much better today than yesterday. And you may also notice a skinned knee in this photo? That’s a first! He’s getting so big!
This is part of PAIL’s Memorable Moment Monday
All the Sun For You 