All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: My Faves


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Guilt, Grief, and Moving On

The PAIL Monthly Theme post for September is “Guilt and Grieving.”

This is a tough topic for me because my feelings are all over the place.  I mean – ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Something happened just the other day that brought out my ugly IF side – but more on that later.

PAIL asked this month what we lost with our IF struggle, what we grieve.  Good questions… and ones I needed to think about.

I don’t really think I grieve much when it comes to our infertility.  I am an “everything happens for a reason” kind of gal.  I have always lived my life that way and applied it to our IF struggle (which did not make it any easier, but helped me keep trudging along).  On June 27th in 2011, as we pulled into our neighborhood with Matthew in the back seat, on our way home from the hospital with him, I turned to B and said, “all of the shit that got us here was worth it.  If we hadn’t had that miscarriage (with the FET), we wouldn’t have Matthew.  If the IVF had worked the first time, there’d be no Matthew.  I’m so glad those things happened.”

Honestly.  I said that.

And… I still feel that.  I am so glad those things happened.  I am so glad we had to do IVF to get him because if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have him.  We’d have another baby that we would love just as much, but it wouldn’t be him.  I feel that so deep down in my core that it has become a part of me – IVF was a gift that gave me my wonderful boy!

I do grieve our first failed IVF cycle because it was so hard on us emotionally.  We never thought for a moment that it wouldn’t work.  We had a clear diagnosis, we had a well-defined protocol, we had a great stimming experience until the very end, we had great retrieval numbers (16 eggs), and we had 9 stellar embryos, 2 of which were transferred and 7 frozen.  We were nothing but positive – but it failed.  If positive thinking gets you pregnant, then I should have been pregnant with IVF #1 because there was no one more positive than me.  The thought that it may  not work never really crossed my mind.  So yeah, the memory of that first failure – of B coming down the stairs to tell me that it didn’t work and then me losing my shit and him holding me as I sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably – I grieve that memory.  I always will.

But it’s not because it failed.  It’s because it killed the hope within me.  Every cycle after that became less and less exciting – so much so that by the time we did IVF #2 (after an early loss with FET #1), I had no fight left in me and I just did what the doctors said to do.  I didn’t read into anything, I didn’t ask them if they thought it would work, I didn’t pay much attention to the ultrasounds when they counted my follicles.  I just went in, let them do what they needed to do, said hello to the people I loved to see, and walked out.  I didn’t get excited about anything.  I figured it would fail.  I had no hope.  That makes me sad – but it is what it is – and I honestly think that that helped me cope with that final IVF cycle that resulted in Matthew.  I do believe it made it even more special when it worked.  That phone call was magical!

I lost a lot with my IF experience.  I lost hope, I lost peace, and I lost optimism.  My pregnancy was awesome – it was almost perfect aside from the debilitating heartburn (which was remedied with a prescription) – but I was so nervous the entire time.  All I thought about was how the baby was doing.  I was nervous before every single ultrasound and each time the doctor used the doppler.  I counted kicks like a crazy woman even before you’re supposed to (before you can rely on regular movement).  I counted down my pregnancy in days, not weeks, because every day down was one day closer to a live baby.  I was so nervous about still birth that I checked out NILMDTS and searched photographers in our area and picked the one I liked best in case the worst happened (true story – and this is how we found our birth photographer which was awesome!).  IF robbed me of a mentally pleasant pregnancy.  I had the physically pleasant pregnancy, and I loved every moment of that, but I was constantly worried that the baby was going to die and we’d have to start all over again.

IF also robbed me of being genuinely happy for other pregnant people.  I still struggle with this today.  I’m getting much better, but sometimes there are still feelings of envy when someone gets pregnant easily.  Just the other day, a friend told me that she’s pregnant and I was genuinely happy for her (truly!) and I was so proud of myself.  This was a big deal for me because it was one of many recent pregnancy announcements that made me happy for the person instead of jealous.  I feel like I’ve turned a big corner in this department.  I then asked her if she was excited and she said, ‘no, to be quite honest.  I don’t like having babies until they’re 18 months old.’  It took everything in me not to pack up Matthew and his things and leave their house immediately.  My ugly IF side returned instantaneously.  I am apparently very fickle when it comes to pregnancy announcements  😉  If you don’t say it just so, then I may lose my shit.  Ugh.

IF has made me very self-centered, and for that, I feel guilty.  Take the story above as an example.  When this friend told me that she wasn’t excited to be pregnant (which I just don’t understand if she was trying to get pregnant, which she was), my first thought was, “how can you say that to your friend who you know has to go home in 2 hours to give herself a shot in an attempt to get pregnant?”  I hate this about myself – because it’s not about me.  But I make it about me.  Being jealous of pregnant people is ridiculous because they didn’t get pregnant AT ME – they just got pregnant.  End of story.  But I still take it personally.  I take it very personally when they tell me it was an accident or that they aren’t excited about it.  I need to work on this.  I know that.  I feel guilty about this all the time.  I need to keep reminding myself that it is not about me – someone else’s fertility has nothing to do with my infertility.

I don’t feel guilt anymore when I read TTC blogs.  I feel empathy.  I still read quite a few TTC blogs because I want to support those gals who still don’t have their first baby.  Trying to get that first baby is so hard – it’s just exhausting.  Because of that, I will always continue to throw my support to those trying for #1 – because it’s a dark lonely place – and it’s hard to keep hope alive.  But I don’t feel guilty.  I did my time, and I’m doing it again, and my guilt won’t help these women get pregnant.  It just won’t.

So how’s that for being all over the place?  😉

And with that, I’ll close with a picture of the boy that was worth it all – and continues to be worth every emotion that courses through me.


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Lupron Eve

I got a question in email today asking if I was going to write about this FET.  I chuckled because my sister asked me something similar this past weekend.  And I chuckled because of the timing of the questions.

Tomorrow I start Lupron injections.

Sure, I’ll write about it – I’m an open book – but I don’t feel like there’s been much to write.  Until now.

I am very lucky in that I didn’t really react negatively (hormonally) to Lupron or any of the fertility drugs I took for that year of intense IVF treatments.  I know this because once, in the midst of this or that treatment, my dad snapped at me and accused me of being hormonal “from all of those fertility drugs you’re on” (maybe it’s time for some PWP posts – HA!), and B snapped right back at him saying, “if we hadn’t told you about our fertility treatments, you wouldn’t know she’s on the drugs.  Her mood has not changed whatsoever.”  After we left my parents, I asked him if he was just being defensive of me, or if that was true.  He said it was true.  Based on other conversations B and I have had in the past – I believe he was being honest with me.  We are very open with each other when it comes to how our moods are affecting one another.

I surely didn’t feel moody from the drugs.  I was moody and depressed because we were childless.

It will be interesting to see if the Lupron affects me this time around.  I sure hope it doesn’t.

So far, I’ve just been taking BCP’s and baby aspirin daily, and just added an antibiotic (twice a day) yesterday that will end on Saturday.  A frozen embryo transfer cycle is relatively easy, from the drug and monitoring perspectives.  It’s so simple that it’s easy to forget to do something.  Your life just does not revolve around this injection and that injection.  The one thing I’m really, really hoping I can skirt around this time is the twice-a-day estrogen pills that went in uncomfortable places.  God, I hated that.  I bet you, though, that they add that to my protocol since it had to do with thickening up my lining and why would this cycle be different from the first FET?  But let’s hope, ladies… let’s hope!

My sister, with the most genuine enthusiasm I’ve ever heard, asked me if I’m excited.  My answer was… no.  I’m not excited.  I’m not hopeful.  I’m not anything.  I am just doing it.  I am doing what the doctors tell me and thinking that if this works out, that would be awesome.. but I’m not expecting it.

To be perfectly honest with you all (and myself) – this is exactly how I felt with the cycle that resulted in Matthew.  I had so much positive energy with IVF #1 that if positive thinking really worked, there was no way in hell that I could have ended up NOT pregnant.  I honestly did not think that it could not work – I thought for sure I’d be the one-and-done.  But I did end up NOT pregnant.  I had positive energy and thoughts with the first FET and it failed (with a prolonged miscarriage).  I wanted to give up – I was done – but the doctors said to give it 2 more fresh cycles per their original plan.  When IVF #2 came along, I was so emotionally detached that I forgot to take it easy and ran – and I forgot for 4 days to start my estrogen patches.  I was in a place of expecting nothing good and the most goodness to ever happen in my life surprised me.

Let me tell you, before you get all, “think positively!!!!  OMG!!!!” on me… this cycle only has a 40% chance of working.  That is from my doctor.  Sure, that’s better than 30%, or even 39% – but it’s not even 50/50.  So I’m being realistic.

But it sure would be nice it if worked.

So on the eve of starting injections once again, I dug out my old IVF memorabilia with the plans of finally throwing it away.  FRESH START.  I lined it all up on the table and took a photo of it – and then couldn’t throw it away.  All of that “stuff” resulted in the sweetest baby in the world.  All of that brought me my true happiness.  All of that completed me, and us.  So I bagged it back up and put it back under the bathroom sink.

This isn’t all of it – almost everything from IVF #1 got thrown out. I started saving these remnants with the failed FET. Notice the HPT in there. Every one of those needles was worth that second line!

Maybe I’ll throw it away next year  😉


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This is My Space, Right?

This post is “a long time coming…” like months and months coming!

So a lot has been going on in the blog world lately, and it’s been going on since just after I started my blog a few months ago.  This all makes me wonder if blogging drama has always been going on, and I just didn’t notice it much when I was simply a lurker, or is it truly recent?  Either way, I sometimes wonder if we’re all just a bunch of hormonal women trying to get (or stay) pregnant who are hopped up on too many hormones (synthetic or natural – they’re all just as mood-altering!).

Whatever the case, whoa – a lot of sh*t seems to be going down.

For me, all the drama started with (what I call) the sh*tstorm at SQ.  I was a brand new blogger back in March (was it really that long ago?) when the ALI community was ripped to bits over the creation of PAIL (oh PAIL, how I love thee!).

I guess I should back-track a bit and discuss how I got started in the blogging world.  I was SO excited to be a member of PAIL, not because it was some mommy sorority that let me exclude my still childless sisters, but because it was a community that made me feel safe.  It was the creation of PAIL that got me to start blogging – truly.  I had thought about blogging but feared it a little, because our written words last FOREVER – especially those written on the internet.  What if I said something stupid?  What if I inadvertantly offended someone with my words?  What if my husband wasn’t comfortable with me putting my feelings out there?  What if my IRL friends and family wanted to read it?  What if, what if, what if!  I just drempt of blogging but didn’t really do it for months.  I had all sorts of posts in my head, but I never wrote them out.

So PAIL happened and I was so excited about it that I started up my little blog that night.  I commented on Yolk’s post that this was just what I needed to get going and feel safe, and I then setup a space for myself at WordPress.  Life was good – very good!  I was cranking out posts like crazy because, well… I had a lot to say!  And then the ‘sh*tstorm at SQ’ happened and I became frightened.  But I also became vocal.  I did not like what people were saying about “those PAIL people” and I didn’t like the personal attacks that were happening to a few of the bloggers who started PAIL.  I just didn’t like it – it wasn’t nice – so I commented on SQ several times as one of the minority who had issues with what was going on.  I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like it and things unfolded, and things were said, and feelings were hurt, and I was sad about it.  How could all of these women who share similar struggles turn on each other so viciously?  And sure SQ was M’s space, but was it really OK to just say such terrible, direct things about a single person and out them on her blog because it was her space?  I didn’t think so, but I was new and I didn’t know the “rules” of blogging.  I guess she can say whatever she wants on her space.  Right?

Right?

So that was my first introduction to the drama of blogging.  I almost quit blogging over it – because it made me feel very unsafe.  But through that whole drama, I found a very good friend who made me feel safe and I continued my little blog.  I mean, afterall, this is MY space, right?  I can say and do whatever I want in my space.

Right?

And then that whole “Other Side of the Rainbow” situation happened and I just had to roll my eyes because, really – people fake that stuff?  I had no idea!  I felt more pity for the gal who did that than anger because, well, it was obvious that she had some serious problems.  And, it turned out that a baby hadn’t died and that’s a good thing.  AND – it was her space – and she could write whatever she wanted, truth or fiction, right?

Right?

And then, just last week, Esperanza* posted a self-reflecting post and titled it with a question for feedback from her readers.  It was a very honest post, like everything she writes.  I read Esperanza rather frequently – I would call myself a regular follower even though I don’t “follow” her through my reader.  She posts a lot and her posts are very thought-provoking, and sometimes I just don’t have the emotional wherewithall to invest in her posts because they always make me think really hard and sometimes, honestly, they can frustrate me.  I don’t say that as criticism – some of my favorite blogs upset me a great deal and make me really look within myself, which is a good thing.  I am a very self-reflective, introspective person so even if I don’t agree with what E has to say, or I find one of her posts frustrating, I still greatly value the self-reflection she’s doing and often comment on her posts.  I love hearing other people’s thoughts and even better, I like reading their thoughts unfold because I find the human psyche fascinating!  But reading these posts takes time and energy so I don’t want them in front of me in my reader until I’m really ready to read them.

So I go out to E’s blog once or twice a week when I have the time to really read her posts and soak in what’s been going on in her life.  I usually read a few posts at a time and was not surprised this weekend to see that I’d missed a few posts because,well, E posts a lot (like myself).  The most recent post alluded to some serious things that were said in her comments section on an earlier post so of course I wanted to know what in the world was going on.  Like another blogger posted last week, some of us just have an innate need to know, a natural curiosity.  I am one of those people.  So I went back to her earlier posts to read what was going on.  Let me tell you – it was not nice.  Some people had been critical in a constructive, sensitive way, but others were just out-and-out cruel.  Who would write these things on someone else’s blog?  Sure, she asked for feedback and should be able to take the feedback she requested, but feedback and nastiness are two different things.  And this was her space – she should feel safe in her own space.  Right?

Right?

After all the dramas in blogland, I’ve learned a few things about myself and my blog as a relatively new blogger.  I’m learning from others’ mistakes and missteps – mistakes of both bloggers and commenters – and I’m learning from mistakes of my own.

What I’ve learned:

  1. Because people can be so obviously mean and judgemental, it’s best for me to keep things light.  Unless I have an anonymous blog (I don’t), it’s best to not invite nastiness into my space by posting things that could elicit negativity.
  2. My life is pretty darned great!  BUT – it’s not perfect.  Sure, B and I fight, and Matthew isn’t always an angel – but I respect their privacy and won’t air things on my blog that could make either of them uncomfortable now or later.  Our dirty laundry is ours, and sometimes it really stinks, but I won’t hang it out to dry on my blog.
  3. If I’m not ready to hear all sorts of opinions on my thoughts and ideas presented on my blog, it’s best not to ask.  I’m not blaming E for asking – she should never have expected some of the comments she got.  But with that said, I am now aware that no matter how nicely you ask for feedback and thoughts, there are always going to be those jerks out there who just want to make you (or someone else) cry.
  4. This is not solely my space.  It is my space as the blogger, and your space as followers and commenters.  Those sections are separate and I cannot control what other people write in the latter section of my blog.  Even if I choose to moderate negative comments out of that section, it’s still there for me to read and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Just because my blog name is on the top banner does not mean that people are going to respect me or what feels like my space.  Anyone can come and say whatever the hell they want to, and about, me – and that’s a little scary.
  5. From now on, instead of thinking that this is my space, I’m going to view it as rental space.  Meaning that when you have a rented home or vehicle, you think twice about putting a nail in the wall, or extra miles on the car – because those things can bite you in the *ss when you’re ready to get your security deposit back.  Anything that could bite me in the *ss needs to stay off of my blog.

Some of you may think that this is very sad, and in a way, it is.  But meh – I have a lot of good friends IRL to share my darkest, saddest, most difficult thoughts with – and that’s what I need.  And – I need the comments sections of your blogs to sometimes share some of my own personal frustrations that I don’t want my IRL friends or family seeing on my blog.  You’ve all seen my comments on your blogs – you know it’s not all flowers and sunshine here in Iowa.  HA!

I love all of the friends I’ve made through blogging and I’m not dismissing any of you, but I also am choosing to not burden you with my challenges because I just prefer to keep this space light.  And cheerful.  And positive.  And nasty comment-free.  I’m not saying that this model works (or should work) for others – but it does work for me.  I have enough negativity in my life (you’re shocked, right?  Because I don’t put it on my blog?  But alas – it is there!  HA HA!) and I don’t need it in the comments section of my blog.  I wouldn’t be able to handle that – it would make me very sad.  My blog makes me very happy and I want to keep it that way – for me.

So yeah – that’s what I’ve learned.

I’ve also learned that:

  1. I love hyphens
  2. I start many sentences with “So…” (I do this IRL when speaking too – not good!)
  3. I like to start many sentences with conjunctions (because, and, but)
  4. I am in love with the exclamation point!
  5. Emoticons were made for me 😉
  6. My high school grammar teacher would be horrified if she read my blog  😉

* Please note that Esperanza knows that this post was going up and she said it was OK to write about her experience.  That is the only reason I’m naming her and linking to her blog.  I wouldn’t normally do that!  Thanks, E, for being cool with this!


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Just What I Needed

So yesterday, I had a hefty dose of “the bitters” when the nanny of one of my acquaintance’s told me that they (the acquaintances) are having another baby.  Of course it’s a surprise baby because their sweet little boy just turned one (and the nanny told me it’s an “oopsie baby”).  Their little boy and Matthew are gym buddies together and I really, REALLY love their nanny (and their little boy).  Anyway, I heard this and literally felt sick to my stomach.  The reason being that when I was thinking of staying home with Matthew, I ran into this acquaintance and very excitedly told her that I was thinking of being a SAHM and she literally asked, “why would you want to do that?” while holding her 2 month old baby.  She questioned my desire to be a SAHM and at that moment, I thought, “we are not the same type of mother.”  I’m not judging her, but we are different, and she questioned my very excited choice.  I didn’t like that.  And now she gets a surprise baby?  BITTERNESS.

But then today happened.

I went to our RE’s office for my sonohystogram.

I love this place – I am not kidding.

I walked in with a skip to my step!  I couldn’t wait to see if the receptionist, who I love and used to trade chatty emails with while we were cycling, had had her baby yet.  She had – a girl – two weeks early – everyone’s happy and healthy!  This made my day!  I must now go buy her a gift!

Then I caught a glimpse of my favorite embryologist, H, and made a mental note to ask to see her before I left so I could say hello.  This woman single-handedly got me through our miscarriage after our FET and then did the biggest favor for me during our next fresh cycle (our Matthew cycle).  She got me in to test 2 days early because she felt that I had been through the wringer and deserved an early beta before the weekend.  She didn’t ask the doctor – she just scheduled it for me.  What a nice woman!  She was the one who cried with me when we were getting such terrible betas during our FET and also called me after our positive beta for Matthew just to tell me how happy she was for us.  Yes – I just HAD to see her before I left today!

Then I was called back and met a new nurse  who is a very nice gal and we joked about how much we love going to the doctor or dentist so that we can catch up on our Hollywood gossip via Peo.ple magazine.

And then I got to see my RE, Dr. Y, and OMG he was so relaxed and easy-going!  I joke all the time that I make him uncomfortable with my direct and controlling style, but today he was just so laid back (and just like when we saw him in March for our consult, actually).  I took the opportunity to ask if we could deviate from his plan (FET and then fresh cycle if the FET fails) and I quickly explained that of course I’m hopeful that the first FET will work, but if not, can we do another FET so that I don’t add more frozen embryos to my stash with another fresh cycle?  And he said YES!  Not only did he say yes, but when I said that I just don’t want a bunch of embryos leftover when we’re done building our family, he said (with a very warm smile), “neither do I – we’ll do your plan.”  We chatted and laughed about how times have changed – that in the past – B accompanied me to every appointment but now I actually asked him to stay home with Matthew and I was totally fine with it.  Dr. Y mentioned that most husbands don’t come to every appointment like B did, even on the first few cycles, and that that was so nice of him.  I agree 100%

Then we did the mock transfer and sonohystogram and everything looked just fine.  He took the opportunity to use me (or my uterus) to show the nurse my c-section scar and knew me well enough to turn the screen towards me so I could see too.  We discussed the timing of this cycle with the healing scar and he has no concerns with a pregnancy so close to the section.  I had read that you should wait 2 years before getting pregnant again after a c-section and when I told him that, he said that it’s not a problem and that my uterus healed up perfectly, so we’re good to go.  Dr. Y knows that I’ve usually done my homework before coming in and that all he has to do is validate my concern or question and tell me enough to calm my nerves, and I won’t question him.  He also knows that I will drop the issue or question if I’m happy with his response and he always responds in a very thoughtful, kind way.  I love this doctor!

And then, when I left the room, H (my favorite embryologist) and K (my co-favorite nurse) were waiting in the hallway for me!  They said they heard I was there and wanted to see me.  We hugged, reminisced, talked about each others’ kids, and talked about how excited I am to be back.  It was wonderful!  It was hard to leave!  And then S, my other co-favorite nurse, came by to chat and my visit was complete!

I accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish, and I saw all the people I wanted to see.

And I thanked my lucky stars that I do not have an “oopsie baby” on the way.  That I need these people to help me grow my family.  That I’ve made connections with these wonderful people who make building other people’s families their life’s work.

I’m lucky!


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Weaning Complete

* This used to be my Weaning Progress Page, but now that weaning is complete, I figured it was better as a singular post.  We really were done on the 14th.  I thought that I may nurse until I get my period, but last night (07/15), I told B that I just have to bite the bullet and get the breast pain over with, and that Matthew was ready to be done.  So I thawed out some breast milk and filled up a sippy cup for bedtime.  It went fine – he didn’t fall asleep, but he hasn’t fallen asleep at bedtime in a long time with the exception of the final night of nursing.  Matthew fussed for 20 minutes (like normal) before settling down.  It was uneventful.  He didn’t seem to miss it – but I did.  However… I am fine!

We started weaning today (7/1).  This was hard for me – there were some tears over it.  We developed a plan with Matthew’s pediatrician who suggested dropping one nursing every 3-4 days.  We started with Matthew’s morning nap and will continue to just not nurse for this one nap for three days before then dropping his afternoon nap nursing for three days, and so on.  This should take a total of 12 days since he nurses 4 times a day (when he wakes up, morning nap, afternoon nap, bedtime).  The reasons we’re doing it this way are that the doctor agrees with me that Matthew will likely be very stubborn so we should ease him into it, and, more importantly (per the doctor), Matthew nurses quite a bit and easing back will help me avoid mastitis.

07/01/2012 – dropped the nursing before the morning nap.  I was a wreck over it, and Matthew clearly wanted to nurse, but he let me distract him by rocking him while standing up with him.  He fell asleep but then did fuss when I put him in his crib.  However, he was over it and asleep within a couple of minutes.  My heart broke a little, but honestly, it was easier than I expected.  I did not cry at all during or afterwards.  He handled it well.  I was so looking forward to our afternoon nap nursing that I let him sleep in my arms for 2 hours.  I am clearly the one having a hard time with this  😉

07/02/2012 – morning nap went just fine.  I’m almost sad about how easy this has been – my boy apparently doesn’t need me as much as I thought.  😉  HA!  I put him down awake at 10:28 (after standing and rocking him for 10 minutes) and he whimpered some until 10:30 – no full-on crying.  Unreal.  We’re coming up on 1.75 hours of napping.  I have his sippy cup all ready for him with 3.5 ounces of the oldest frozen breast milk we have in the house – it’s from September.  It smells and tastes like metal (this happens with all of my milk once it’s frozen, it’s due to some extra enzyme – it’s perfectly safe), but he drinks it.  He’s a good boy  😉  Update:  Matthew’s nap today was 2.25 hours.  What in the world?  And he took his sippy cup very happily!  Update #2:  Nap 2 was spent in my arms.  I enjoyed the snuggles too much, and he went down late and I didn’t want him to sleep past 5 – so there you have it.  He actually was not happy about this as he got too hot and didn’t sleep well.

07/03/2012 – Well, this just keeps getting easier and easier.  This is the last day of just one nursing being dropped.  Tomorrow, we go for the next one, which will be the afternoon nap feeding.  This means that I will not nurse tomorrow for over 12 hours, and that has me a bit nervous.  We will nurse when Matthew wakes up (6:00-6:30) and then not again until bedtime around 8:00.  Oh boy!  Right now, I’m going 9 hours between feedings and I feel fine, so maybe 14 hours won’t be so bad?  I don’t know.  Anyway – this morning’s nap went well.  We read 3 books (as usual before any sleep time!) and then I stood up and rocked Matthew over my shoulder.  He didn’t even try to nurse.  He was pretty playful at first, but then settled down and even fell asleep.  I was so happy!  When I put him in his crib, he opened his eyes and moaned for a second, and then drifted back to sleep.  He’s been asleep for over an hour now.  This is going too well.

07/04/2012 – We dropped the afternoon nap nursing.  Matthew handled it just fine – he’s getting used to finishing his books, then being rocked to drowsiness on my shoulder.  His morning nap was not as long as usual (only 1.5 hours today) because we let him go down earlier.  The afternoon nap was then earlier and shorter as well.  I like to stretch him 3.5-4 hours before a nap, but today, he wanted one after 3 hours.  He does try to nurse here and there, but he’s easily distracted.  The breast milk in the sippy cup is treating him really well.  I’m not sure it’s going to last into September because he could definitely drink more of it if I’d let him.  I am watching his dairy intake to ensure he only get 16-20 ounces a day – don’t want to over-do it.  I am doing fine with the weaning, but I was ready to nurse him tonight.  I wasn’t in pain, but I would have been if we’d gone much longer!  We may do 4 days of this (2 nursings, 2 non-nursings) instead of 3 because I’m a bit scared of how I’m going to feel when we drop a third nursing.  I have to believe that will be painful.

07/05/2012 – We hit a rough patch today.  Matthew wasn’t too interested in nursing this morning when he woke up, so I went from 6:45 AM until 8:00 PM without nursing, and started that stretch with semi-full breasts.  Ouch!  By 8:00, I was desperate to nurse.  I even pumped afterwards (2.25 ounces).  Poor Matthew was desperate to nurse during the day today too.  He was trying to nurse from my arm, my shoulder… from anywhere as I tried putting him down for his afternoon nap.  He settled for a sippy cup of Mom’s milk.  We both survived… but it was tough!

07/06/2012 – Today was going to be my last day of nursing 50% of the time, but we’re going to take an extra day (or two) before dropping it down to 25%.  I need to give my body another day to adjust down – I’m a bit uncomfortable by about this time in the day (5:45 PM) after not nursing since 6:00 AM.  Today was way better than yesterday – HOLY HELL I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO EXPLODE YESTERDAY!  Matthew did rather well today but after waking up early from his nap (he napped in my arms – oh the sweetness!), he tried to nurse.  Very quickly, we got the remaining 1.5 ounces out of the fridge and that seemed to do the trick.  Whew!  I am looking forward to nursing him tonight for different reasons than last night.  Last night – I was ready to explode.  Tonight, I’m ready to snuggle!

07/07/2012 – Today is going well – Matthew has had his cup of milk BEFORE his naps today and I think that’s working better.  He only gnawed on my arm for a few seconds before going down for his AM nap.  I am feeling pretty good.  We’re doing 2 nursings today and tomorrow, I think.  I just want to take it slow so that I am not in pain.  I was miserable 2 days ago, and there’s no reason to push it.  I’m really happy with how this is going!  It’s going much better than I expected for both of us!

07/08/2012 – I messed up my schedule in my milk tracking spreadsheet, so I get an extra day (6th day) of 2 nursings a day – which means tomorrow is a gift!  I would rather take an extra day to wean than update that spreadsheet again.  I am pleased, I was struggling with which feeding to drop (first thing in the  morning, or bedtime nursing).  I think I’ll drop the morning feeding next.  Today went just fine – and my milk supply is adjusted quite well to just morning and night feedings.

07/09/2012 – This day went fine – it was my bonus day of a 6th morning of nursing.  I was supposed to drop down to just one feeding today (at bedtime), but I messed up my milk planning and added a day to the schedule.  Fine by me!  I truly enjoyed our final morning snuggle together!

07/10/2012 – It’s a rough day – I haven’t nursed since last night at 9:00 and it’s 5:00 PM now.  Ugh.  I’ll be OK, but this is not fun.  Three more hours to go until I get some relief.  On the bright side, Matthew is devouring his milk in his cups.  He even yelled, “yeah!” when I showed him his afternoon nap sippy cup of milk  🙂  He’s napping great today (almost 2 hours this morning and going on an hour right now, with no end in sight) and he slept until 7:20 this morning.  I should rephrase that – he woke up at 6:10 and since today was the first day of no morning nursing, I let him try to settle down and he did within 4 minutes.  He woke up 20 minutes later and fussed for a couple minutes.  He fussed one more time at 6:45 and then went back to sleep until 7:20.  It was so nice to have the house ready before he woke up.  His sippy cup was full and waiting for him, and the cats were all fed and shot up (we have a diabetic).  We went to Target at 8:30.  What a morning!  I owe it all to not nursing this morning.  I missed it, but it’s OK.

07/11/2012 – I’m always amazed how much better day 2 is after dropping a nursing.  I was in terrible pain yesterday by pool time (1:00 PM) and today – I feel just fine at almost 5:00.  Unreal!  The body is truly amazing!  Matthew wasn’t so keen on his milk today – he stretched 5 ounces across two nap feedings, leaving a 4.5 ounce bag in the freezer.  This is just fine – he’s getting plenty of dairy between his cups, the one nursing, and his morning yogurt.  I’m almost done nursing… 4 nights left.  I’ll be OK.. I’ll be OK  😉

07/12/2012 – I cried a bit tonight as I nursed Matthew.  It his me that I only had 3 more nights of nursing left before we’re all done.  I cried through the entire first half of the nursing.  Matthew seemed concerned by this.  Besides that, the day has been uneventful in the weaning department.  My supply has totally adjusted to just one nursing and I’m just amazed at how smart the human (FEMALE) body is!

07/13/2012 – I did not cry tonight.  I’m ready to be done – but only because Matthew goes to sleep better when he’s rocked over my shoulder than when he nurses to sleep (drowsiness).  The nights have been brutal at bedtime with him crying for 20-40 minutes, off and on, after nursing.  I’m told it could be my let-down adjusting which may be upsetting him.  I don’t know – but I do know that I LOVE rocking him before his naps with him draped over my shoulder and I will LOVE doing that at bedtime too.  I realized today that I’m not giving up a bond – but the way we bond is changing slightly.  And that’s OK.  One night left… I think.  Let’s see if I chicken out and keep nursing just at night for a little while longer.

07/14/2012 – I think we’re done.  Sniff, sniff, sniff… sob, sob, sob!  Seriously, the final night went well.  I committed to letting him nurse until he fell asleep and fell off of me.  Twenty-three minutes in, he was fast asleep but still nursing so I shifted just a smidgen and he fell off – and I rocked him for a minute and then put him to bed.  I thanked my sweet boy for over a year of wonderful bonding and told him I loved him and walked out.  He didn’t make a peep.  And then I cried  😦

What a great run this has been!  I never expected to make it this long.  I originally planned to make it to 3 months, then 6 months, then a year.  We made it to 1 year and 3 weeks, and only quit because it’s time to start trying to give Matthew a little brother or sister and we can’t do that until I’m done nursing (per the RE).  We have enough frozen breast milk to get him to 15.5 months and maybe even longer – and we NEVER planned on that!  So I am happy.  I am proud.  I am at peace.

Here are some of our more recent nursing photos – I will always smile when I look at these!

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Reality

So a couple of weeks ago, I was all pumped up about getting my first AF in years, and was super excited to start trying for another baby.  I was all, “we are going to try naturally, hurrah!”  A lot of the ladies I follow have been getting surprise BFP’s and that sort of motivated me – I thought, “if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.”

But it really can’t – or it really shouldn’t.  Everyone getting their surprise pregnancies have similar IF diagnoses.  We do not.  I don’t follow a single person with our diagnosis (that I know of) with the exception of one blogger I’ve followed for years.*  When she first started her IF journey, she was told that they could get pregnant naturally, but that it would take 5 years (statistically).  Well, she did have a surprise BFP – almost exactly 5 years after her RE told her the odds.

I don’t have 5 years.  And I’ve come to realize something else.

I like my RE.  I like knowing that when we go back to try, that I’m only trying for a set cycle and I’m not getting my hopes up every.single.month.  I was using OPK’s this past week to see if I’m going to be back to my regular 26.5 day cycle, or if the breastfeeding was going to make it longer or shorter.  I got no positive surge – but I started testing on day 11 of my cycle.  Too late to start.  I’m not concerned – we know I ovulate just fine so I’m sure I tested at the wrong time.  This past week, every time I would POAS, I was stressed.  Every time I saw that open circle (I use the digital ones), my heart would sink.  Why?  I knew what the problem was (late testing), but it still stressed me out.

I went to Tar-get yesterday and had a month’s supply of OPK’s in my hand when I looked at Matthew and thought, “I don’t want this stress.  I don’t need this stress.  I’m happy right now.  Why am I willing to mess that up?  THESE WILL MESS THAT UP.”  I literally said out loud to him, “we don’t need these.”  I put them back on the shelf, and walked out of that store confident in my decision to not put myself (or B, or Matthew) through the stress that comes with testing.

It was a simple decision.  I was looking at my little boy who lights up every single day of my life, and I realized that this is not the time to be stressed.  This is the time to savor.  This is the time to absorb every hug, every kiss, every snuggle because this time will be gone in the blink of an eye.  Every single OPK test that I used last week interrupted that happiness, and that’s unacceptable.

And then there’s this.  We have 7 frozen embryos and we would really like to give them all a chance.  Honestly, we probably have between 0 and 2 potential babies in the freezer.  We could use them all up and have no baby in the end, or we could get one or a couple of babies out of them.  Who knows.  But if we would have a surprise BFP – we would will still have 7 frozen embryos whose fates we would need to decide.

No.thank.you!

So for now, we will just go with the flow and not test.  Not try.  If there is a miracle, surprise BFP in my future – it’s going to be just that.  A surprise.  Not something we timed intercourse for.  Not something I tested for and stressed over.  No.  There is no need for stress in our lives right now.  That time is coming soon enough with an upcoming FET.  I want to savor this time because it’s going to get a little more complicated soon enough.

And I will say this again.  I look at Matthew and truly think, “you are all I need for children.”  I would love another 1 or 2 kids for all of our sakes, but if Matthew is destined to be an only child – I am happy with that.  Because I am over-the-moon happy with him!

* I just re-read one of the blogs I follow and one of them DOES have our diagnosis.  I am still not changing my plan as outlined above, but it’s nice to see that there is some hope out there!

** Congrats to all of you with your surprise BFP’s!  I am really, really happy for you!


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Birthday Eve

I lied yesterday.  I wasn’t done crying.  I held it together all day – and then we got home from dinner and I fell apart.

I know nothing is changing – Matthew will be the same baby tomorrow as the one I just put to bed – but oh my heart hurts.

B and I were talking about what we were doing a year ago tonight.  We were getting ready for our scheduled c-section and were unable to sleep, anxious to meet our baby the next morning.  It was a bittersweet night, though, because as anxious as I was to meet Matthew, I was dreading the end of my pregnancy.  I was dreading it because I loved feeling him moving inside me – I always had my little buddy with me – wherever I went.  Not a moment went by that I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t alone, and I loved that.  I knew I’d miss that – and you know what?  I really did for the first few weeks.  But – having Matthew in my arms was better than having him in my belly and tomorrow will probably be similar.  Having him growing and learning new things just makes him more and more fun.

B did say that last year at this time, he didn’t know he’d be sitting on the floor a year from then, with a duck in his mouth and pushing a turtle car.  HA!  B always knows how to lighten the mood!

I kept Matthew up extra late tonight.  I just wasn’t ready to say goodnight to the past year.

Goodnight, sweet, wonderful year full of memories.  Goodnight, best year of my life.  Goodnight, beautiful, loved, cherished boy.

Goodnight, sleep tight, Mommy’s going to miss you tonight.


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One More Time

I was inspired by Allison to visit my grandpa today.  I love my grandpa – he’s very special to me and is my final living grandparent.  No matter what family drama was going on at the time during my childhood (and there was always at least one going on at all times), my grandma and grandpa were always very good to me.  My grandma passed away this past winter and that was hard on me – very, very hard.  I think of her at least once a day – and always when I see something that’s purple.  She loved purple!  I spoke at my grandma’s funeral on behalf of the family and cried through the whole thing.  I was a wreck.  When I got done, I told my family that there is no way that I can do the same for my grandpa, because it would be even harder to get through.  But – when the time comes – I’m sure I’ll speak again on behalf of the family because I’ll want to send him off with warm, spoken words all about him and his influence on my life.

Grandpa is doing well – too well, or so he says.  He told me today that he’s doing too well and that he just wants to go be with my grandma.  I get that.  It breaks my heart a little because I will miss him terribly when he does go to be with her, but it also warms my heart.  Theirs was a love affair like no other – and I’m sure he just aches for her.

Grandpa loves babies and little kids.  Nothing makes him happier than seeing and talking to a baby.  He can be in the worst of health or moods, but the entrance of a baby turns his entire day around. I didn’t tell him that I was coming today.  B had a work meeting in Omaha (right across the river from my home town) so I tagged along.  I called my parents on my way back and they were tied up with doctor appointments, but visiting them was not my priority.  When I got to my folks’ house, I called my grandpa over and over again to let him know I was on my way to see him, but he never answered.  So – I loaded Matthew up in the car and just headed up there.

We found Grandpa in the dining hall – all by himself.  The sight of him alone hurt my heart.  He gets up late so he eats breakfast around 11:00, after everyone else is long gone.  He couldn’t see who was approaching him, but he saw a baby and lit up like a Christmas tree.  When he finally realized that we were there to see HIM, and that it was his favorite grandchild (truly – I know that I am – it’s no secret!) – he teared up.  My heart hurt again.

We had a wonderful visit – a truly wonderful visit!  We watched Matthew crawl and cruise around the open area and laughed as he found new things to explore.  Grandpa told me again how he met my grandma and how they dated while he was in law school.  I felt bad because I had to interrupt the conversation a couple times to tell Matthew to be safe, but he understood.  Grandpa would stop whatever he was saying, and say, “oh, Honey – oh, Honey.  He is just the cutest little thing I’ve ever seen!  Aren’t you so happy?”  Yes, Grandpa, I am!

We went back to his “apartment” to visit because it was now time for the other folks to use the dining hall for lunch.  Matthew was ALL about climbing in Grandpa’s lap.  Had my dad been there, he would have said that it wasn’t a good idea to let Grandpa hold him without help, but I was comfortable with it and I stayed close.  Matthew and Grandpa had a nice chat, and I had a wonderful time watching them.  There was so much laughter and noise – and I know that it made my grandpa’s week (it made mine as well!).

As we left, Matthew waved “bye bye” and I got to tell Grandpa one more time that I love him.  I never know if it’s the last time – so I say it many, many times before I leave.  Grandpa likes to say, “God bless,” as you walk out the door.  I’m not the most religious gal, but for Grandpa, I always say it back to him.

Memories were made today – and pictures were taken.  Thank God for camera phones!

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UPDATED: My Style – PAIL Theme Post

What is my parenting style?  I have no idea!  I can tell you what I thought it wouldn‘t be before I got pregnant with Matthew:

  1. I was NOT going to partake in attachment parenting in any way, shape, or form – no way!
  2. I was going to pump exclusively instead of nurse my baby.
  3. I didn’t consider cloth diapers.
  4. I insisted that wearing your baby made them needy.
  5. I wouldn’t even consider being a SAHM.
  6. I stated several times that my kids would not sleep with us – in our bed or in our room.
  7. I was not interested in making baby food – store-bought would be just fine, thank-you-very-much!
  8. My baby would sleep through the night by 3-4 months of age.
  9. I figured we’d do whatever our doctors told us to do in regards to vaccinations.

Guess how all of that is working out for me?  HA!  So far:

  1. In regards to attachment parenting, I dabble in a few of the B’s, and believe wholeheartedly in a couple of them (breastfeeding, birth bonding, babywearing)
  2. I am still breastfeeding my 9 month old – he has only had about 10 ounces of formula in his entire life.  I pump every night after he’s in bed to store up milk for the future.  I am a human cow and Matthew always gets it straight from the source!
  3. We did cloth diapers for 7 weeks.  The only reason we stopped was that I made the mistake of buying the one size diapers and they were just too bulky for him when he was so tiny.  We will go back to them when he gets bigger and ready to potty train.  Right now, I’m being lazy and really like the disposables.
  4. We loved the Moby Wrap and have just started using our Ergo quite a bit.  I mowed my lawn the other day with Matthew strapped to me.  The Ergo goes everywhere the stroller goes for when he wants out of the stroller.  We love it!
  5. I asked B 2 weeks before going back to work if he’d be open to me staying home.  He said he was hoping I’d want to.  I went back to work for 7 weeks just to get a promised bonus and to make sure I was making the right decision.  Best decision I ever made!
  6. Matthew slept in our room for 4 weeks in a pack-and-play.  There were nights we tried desperately to get him to sleep with us. In bed.  We still try sometimes to have him sleep in bed with us – but he is not at all interested.
  7. I make all of Matthew’s food from scratch* (and usually organic and hormone free) – even his breakfast.  He has never had a “puff” or a cheerio – and we are trying to raise him on a paleo diet for all practical purposes.  He is the best baby eater I have ever known.  He eats everything – because I cook him everything (even the stuff I don’t like).
  8. If you read my blog at all, you know that Matthew’s not sleeping through the night yet – and he’s 9 months old!
  9. We are vaccinating on an alternative schedule.

I asked B on Easter Sunday if he was surprised by how “granola” I am as a mother.  To my surprise, he said, “no, not really.”  I am surprised by how “granola” I am – I never saw ANY of this coming. And while I am still nursing my 9 month old, wearing him as I mow the lawn, and making all of his food – I totally believe in structure and boundaries and everyone sleeping in their own beds.  Most importantly, I believe in doing what fits best with your child and family.

I am a blend of parenting styles.  I think we all are.  If we try to be just one style, we’re bound to find something within that style that we don’t agree with and then where does that leave us? I say, ‘throw out the labels and just parent the best way you know how.’  After all, no one knows how to parent your child (not even your MIL – HA!) better than YOU do yourself!

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*  All food is made from scratch except his baby yogurt (Yo Baby!).  This does not fall into the paleo lifestyle but I think we need to let the boy have a treat every now and again.  After all, the government says that dairy is important!

Addendum/Update:  I was just sent this link by a friend of mine.  I suggest reading it – it is hysterical!  This pretty much describes my parenting to a T.  Particularly #30 (including the use of one of my favorite words of all time – the F WORD!):  “Don’t listen to anyone. Other parents will dispense advice like candy (see: This post). F*ck ‘em. You’ll figure it out on your own. Somehow, we all do. Read the books, don’t read the books. Follow whatever parenting method you’d like, or no parenting method at all. Do whatever it takes to work. There’s a study that will validate everything you do, and another study to tell you what you’re doing is wrong. Just f*cking love the kid like you’ve never loved anything, and everything will turn out well. “


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I am the Problem

I am re-reading the chapter on creating new sleep associations and reviewing my notes from each night.  The first night, he put himself to sleep entirely – he got down from the crib rails, curled up on his lovey, and whimpered himself to sleep.  Only after he’d been asleep for a few minutes did I go back in to cover him with his blanket.  I did not pat his back or do any shhh-ing.

The second night, I had to take him off the rails and lay him down.  I did that each time I went in.  I would then pat his back.  If I remember correctly, he started to calm down as I patted his back and then took a few minutes after I left to really fall asleep.  But I was creating a new sleep association with the back patting.  Last night, I admit that I did pat his back until he was asleep – even if it did only take a minute (I was just trying to calm him and he was asleep before I knew it).  I patted his back off and on while I was checking on him, and I’m not supposed to be doing that.

I did it again today for his nap.  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?  I know that I’m not supposed to do it, but I do it anyway.

There won’t be a proper nap later today because we have Matthew’s 9 month doctor visit right when he’d be falling asleep, so I’m sure he’ll fall asleep in the  car on the way home.  But tonight?  Tonight I will put him in his room and NOT pat his back as he falls asleep.  I will not pat his back during his awake periods tonight.  I will simply go in, remove him from the crib rails, lay him down, give him a quick pat on the back to help him settle into the mattress (I can’t just walk away!), and then say, “night night,” and exit.  I will not stay in his room for more than ONE minute each time (Ferber says 1-2 minutes but I clearly can’t be trusted with 2 minutes).  And I will NOT do what I did this morning and let him sleep with me once he gets up at 6:00 (he was just so tired and I couldn’t let him struggle like that to stay awake).

What I’m trying to decide is if I should go back and start with the second night’s schedule (5, 10, 12 minute wait periods) instead of the forth night’s schedule (12, 15, 17) since I’m the one who screwed this up?

Uh oh… I just came across a statement that I shouldn’t be using a sound machine for Matthew.  That little tid-bit is on page 96.  Why wouldn’t they put that earlier in the book, like on page 74 where they tell you exactly how to do this process?  I’ve been wondering about that as I’ve been reading but assumed all was fine because there was no mention of it.  Matthew sleeps with a VERY LOUD sound machine all. night. long.  In fact, we have a couple sleep sheep that we used when he was very young but they stopped after 45 minutes and that was all well and good (Matthew stayed asleep just fine after they shut off) until we had a party one night.  We went in to reset the thing every 40 minutes and decided that he sleeps best with the continuous noise.  So I got one that stays on all night.  I actually love it and rely on it via the baby monitor at night to fall asleep (I used to sleep with ear plugs prior to Matthew’s arrival – I’m a terrible sleeper!).  I think that is one association that I am NOT willing to break for Matthew at this time.  That would be pure torture for him!