I lied yesterday. I wasn’t done crying. I held it together all day – and then we got home from dinner and I fell apart.
I know nothing is changing – Matthew will be the same baby tomorrow as the one I just put to bed – but oh my heart hurts.
B and I were talking about what we were doing a year ago tonight. We were getting ready for our scheduled c-section and were unable to sleep, anxious to meet our baby the next morning. It was a bittersweet night, though, because as anxious as I was to meet Matthew, I was dreading the end of my pregnancy. I was dreading it because I loved feeling him moving inside me – I always had my little buddy with me – wherever I went. Not a moment went by that I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t alone, and I loved that. I knew I’d miss that – and you know what? I really did for the first few weeks. But – having Matthew in my arms was better than having him in my belly and tomorrow will probably be similar. Having him growing and learning new things just makes him more and more fun.
B did say that last year at this time, he didn’t know he’d be sitting on the floor a year from then, with a duck in his mouth and pushing a turtle car. HA! B always knows how to lighten the mood!
I kept Matthew up extra late tonight. I just wasn’t ready to say goodnight to the past year.
Goodnight, sweet, wonderful year full of memories. Goodnight, best year of my life. Goodnight, beautiful, loved, cherished boy.