All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: Matthew


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CIO Update – 3 Nights Down!

I’m still tired  😉  I spend an hour up every night listening to Matthew fuss his way back to sleep.  It’s no longer a scream, so that’s good, but oh my – THIS IS HARD!  Tonight will be night #4.  I hope this is the lucky night that he puts himself back to sleep, and then I get to sleep too!  The only good thing about all of this is that I’ve been using that hour each night (starting somewhere between 1:00 and 2:00) to read the PAIL book club selection, “Bringing Up Bebe.”  What a fitting book to read as you’re trying to correct your baby’s sleep patterns!

In case you glossed over it – yes – I am still staying up as Matthew cries it out.  I just can’t go back to bed as he cries miserably in his room.  I like to stay close so that I can run in if things get out of control.  And I feel like it’s my duty to suffer with him since I’m the one doing this to him.  AND – he gets so worked up and finally falls asleep without any blankets on him, and that just seems wrong to me.  So I sit in my chair just outside his room, reading my book, as he drifts off to sleep.  I keep reading until he’s been asleep for 5 minutes and then I run in to cover him up and make him cozy.

I was worried yesterday when it came to nap time.  I nurse him to sleep and I really don’t want that to change, knowing that I only have 3 more months of nursing left.  When I tried to nurse him to sleep yesterday for his two naps, he refused to transfer to his crib.  I worried that he was having anxiety about having to sleep alone – but today – he transferred just fine!  I am so relieved!  He also wouldn’t nurse to sleep at bed time last night, but that was because he ate his dinner too late and had no interest in eating more.  Tonight, he nursed to sleep on cue and made me very, very happy!

The cutest thing did happen the second night that I want to document.  I worry so much because he kneels up on his knees against the crib rail and cries for me, and I worry that he may fall asleep and fall down.  It drives me crazy with worry.  That first night, I kept checking the video monitor and yes, he was still crying up against the rail.  About 5 minutes later, I realized it was silent, so I checked the monitor again.  He was still up on the rail, so I assumed maybe he was just resting.  I finally went in a few minutes later and can you believe it?  He was ASLEEP on his knees, leaning up on the rail.  It broke and melted my heart at the same time.  I laid him down, tucked him in, and went to bed.

This baby warms my heart even when we’re struggling through such a rough time.  I just love him so much!

Nothing else is new, really.  I’m just still really tired!  What mother isn’t though, right??


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YAWN

Matthew has had a very productive week, and I’ve been too exhausted to blog about it.  Instead, I take photos of his accomplishments so that I have a record of the dates.   That’s just terrible.  Later this week, I’ll properly document his milestones and even list all the stuff he did before I started blogging so that it’s all in one place.  Right now, all of that info is on a slip of paper in a drawer in the kitchen – it could easily be discarded by someone not knowing what that list really is.  It is rather cryptic.

Why am I exhausted?  I’m not sleeping.  No one is in this house.  Matthew has reverted back to multiple wakings each night and after one night last week in which he refused to relax with B (all he wanted was me), we decided that it is our job to help this child learn to sleep!  He sleeps alone in his crib for every nap and at bed time, but he is nursed and rocked to sleep each. and. every. time.  This is my fault.  I take FULL responsibility for it.  I remember the moment I realized that if I nursed him to sleep, that he took longer naps.  Since that moment, that’s what I’ve done.  Again – totally my fault.  My fault = my job to fix it.

We did the CIO method last night.  I went in after he’d slept for only 4 hours, patted him, hugged him, etc.  Nada. So I changed him.  No luck.  Then I gave him ibuprofen (teething?).  No luck again.  So with tears in my eyes, I said, “I’ve done all I can for you but nurse you.  you’re on your own, Buddy.”  I walked out of the room, turned on the video monitor, curled up outside his door with a book (“Bringing up BeBe”), and cried a little.  He fell asleep 10 minutes or so later.  I stayed up though because he kept stirring and then fussing.  I believe that it is my job to suffer with him.  If he’s fussing, I’m up making sure he gets a blanket once he’s settled down, that he’s not wedged up against the crib rails, etc.  The whole ordeal took an hour.  Sweet J*s*s!  It wasn’t an hour of crying by any means, but with the ups and downs, it took an hour.

Today, I read about the Sleep Lady.  I decided that if the next two nights don’t go better, that I would try that method out.  I would hate to waste the night we did last night and change up my approach on him once again.  Well, Matthew is calling the shots here (which is really fine with me) and encouraged me to try it tonight at bed time.  IT WORKED.  He stopped nursing early, fussed until I stood up to rock him, laid his little head on my shoulder and gazed into my eyes until he was properly drowsy (but not asleep), and let me put him down.  I patted him a couple times, stood by his crib and did a few comforting “shh shh, mom’s here,” and he settled off into sleep.   I left his room 5 minutes later.  He’s been down for almost 3 hours.  Now – he’s ALWAYS down for at least 3 hours so I’m not saying that we’re over any humps by any means, but he PUT HIMSELF TO SLEEP!  This is HUGE!  B promptly reminded me that he was totally exhausted from his big day and had no afternoon nap and maybe that’s why he put himself to sleep – but I. Do. Not. Care.  He’s been exhausted in the past and didn’t put himself to sleep.

Maybe all this time he’s just wanted me to let him try on his own?  Who knows.  I did walk out of his room sad though, and there were tears as I told B about it.  Yes, this is the goal.  Yes, this is a good thing.  But he didn’t need me tonight – and that made me a little sad.

In other news, I strapped Matthew to me and mowed my entire lawn today with him.  HA!  He loved it – and fell asleep while I was mowing.  I about died when I looked under his little sun hat and saw his sweet face sound asleep.  This kid has NO problems sleeping – he just likes falling asleep with his mama!  He doesn’t stay asleep (which is the problem) and woke up the minute I got into the house.  He refused to go back to sleep even with me nursing him, but he was exhausted – so I left him in his crib playing while I showered.  That turned into a screaming fest so I went in and swooped him up, nursed him to sleep, and he slept over 2 hours then in his crib.  That was when I read about the Sleep Lady and decided to try her method in a couple days.  Thank g*d for smart phones – mine saves me every time I nurse him to sleep!

My sister had her baby today.  I missed the big event.  Shoot!  She’s a very pretty baby and I’m looking forward to meeting her later this month, hopefully!

Matthew learned to climb stairs and walk with a push walker while at his cousins’ house.  Oh boy – here we go!  I do have photos to post, but I haven’t transferred them yet to my computer… because… I’m so exhausted!


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Clink, Clink, Clink

M and I went to visit my friend, Denise, and her two girls today.  Denise is also our WONDERFUL photographer, but first and foremost, she is one of our closest friends.  Her girls, Rachel and Clare, are fantastic and they just love M!  When I go there, I have two little babysitters just waiting to dote on him.  Today was no exception, and he was fully entertained while Denise and I chatted.  The girls had him wearing goofy hats, playing with funny disguise glasses, and climbing stairs.  YES – CLIMBING STAIRS.  I was shocked that M was able to do it, but he was!  He even knew how to climb down.  I got a chuckle when Clare sent Rachel up the stairs and wanted to see if M could make it to the top by trying to get to her.  Denise and I asked that we keep him focused on just the bottom two stairs for now, please  😉

So I mentioned a while back that M won a photo contest that Denise was having.  What we won was his photos on her splash page and a necklace with a photo charm of M.  Denise had my necklace ready for me today.  I love it!  I love it for many reasons, but the biggest reason is that the chain is such that the charms make a little clinking sound when I’m on the move.  Tonight, I went to Target all by myself.  M was at home and in bed, and we needed some things for our impromptu trip to Chicago tomorrow.  I have not been to Target by myself since before M was born.  It was weird to be out without him – he’s my constant little companion.  I was a bit lonely.  But as I walked through the aisles, my new necklace made its little clinking sound and I felt my little buddy’s presence the entire time.

Clink, clink, clink.  What a peaceful sound to this mama!


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Whirlwind Weekend and Big Week Ahead

Wow – it’s been 4 whole days since I’ve blogged.  We’ve been busy around here!

We have a new geothermal unit and I am relieved!  It’s so nice knowing that the water is no longer a threat to M, that we’ll have cool air when we need it (of course, our heat wave snapped the day after we got the new unit), and that if we need to turn the heat on again, that we will have that too.  It’s amazing how much stress can be relieved with one action.  Since buying this house almost two years ago, the geothermal has always been a problem so we would hold our breaths every time we’d switch from heat to cool, etc.  That anxiety is gone now, and I am just so happy about that!

M is feeling just fine – so fine that he got his first hair cut on Friday!  He handled it so well and actually enjoyed it.  He smiled and laughed through most of it, never cried, and made it really easy for all of us (hair stylist included)!  I had no idea how much work was going to go into his hair cut – she even pulled out the clippers!  It looks just great and I’m pleased that he still looks like my baby and not like a big boy just yet.  He got his first balloon too and that put the cherry on his sundae!

We had a nice little picnic with our friends on Sunday and it was 80 degrees out – almost too hot if you weren’t moving around.  I cannot believe this spring so far – it feels like summer and it makes me worry that the summer is going to be insanely hot like it was last year.  There’s nothing we can do about it, but I really am hoping for a nice break in the heat just to get things back to where they should be for the month of April.

I mowed the lawn yesterday – one of my favorite things to do in the summer months (truly!) – and that was so nice!  I didn’t want to come inside.  M was sleeping so it gave me time to really focus on what I was doing and I loved every minute of it.  The grass is perfectly green!  We did set M in the grass for a few pictures earlier last week but I took more yesterday after cutting the grass and they are really cute!  He loved playing with the grass and tried eating some of the clippings.  I really think he’s going to enjoy the summer!

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M and I met B for lunch today.  B was having lunch with his coworker and they informed me that they need to go to Chicago TOMORROW for an impromptu, but very important, meeting with a client.  I invited M and myself along because my sister lives just north of there and we were supposed to spend this past weekend with her but couldn’t due to wanting to be close to home in case M got sick again.  So we are taking a road trip in the morning!  It should be a lot of fun!  My sister is expecting her 3rd baby (but 4th child) any day now, and I asked today if I could be in the delivery room with her if she has the baby while we’re there.  She’s a good sport and said yes, so we’re all hoping that that happens this week.

I am just so excited to see my sister – she is my best friend. M is going to love seeing his cousins – he loves being a little brother.  B and I are excited to spend the final night of the trip together, with M, downtown for a little getaway.  I had no idea just yesterday that this week was going to be so exciting!


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NOC (Note of Cuteness) – 2

Matthew helped me with the laundry today.  He is always trying to get into the laundry room, so I let him come with me to switch some towels from the washer to the dryer.  When I started the dryer, he pulled himself up on a laundry basket to watch the clothes spinning around.  It was adorable!  I took a few photos so B could see the cuteness!

I spoke with my sister on the phone afterwards when M was taking an epic 2.5 hour nap.  She mentioned something that hadn’t dawned on me.  She said that she loves it when her kids are seeing something, something that we may find mundane, for the very first time.  She said that she forgets sometimes that everything is new to them.  I hadn’t really thought about the fact that watching the clothes spinning around and around was probably very enlightening to M.  When my sister said this, I pictured all of those neurons firing in his brain!

It appears that I now have quite the helper around the house.  I wouldn’t have it any other way  🙂


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Back to Urgent Care

We went back to urgent care today.  We pulled into the parking lot for Matthew’s first haircut and as I was getting him out of his seat, he started vomiting all over.  We called the doctor and made an appointment and were told to go to urgent care if he kept throwing up.  He did.  Two hours later, we were on our way back home with a tired, but happy, baby.  They retested his liver enzymes today and they are going down, which is what we’re expecting and wanting to see.

We’ve been using bottled water for M but had to cool some heated bottled water because it was too hot – so we grabbed an ice cube out of the freezer.  We thought those cubes were made before our Freon leak.  This happened again with oatmeal so we thought maybe he’s allergic to the oatmeal, but the doctor says no and that he thinks it’s our water.

The geothermal unit is being replaced next week.

I am exhausted!  B is exhausted!  M is exhausted, but is sleeping peacefully right now!


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Tears

When I met my husband, I knew right away that he was “the one” for me.  The first day we spent together, I thought to myself (silently, of course), “I would marry him if he would marry me.”  Honestly!  With those types of intense feelings, feelings I’d never had before in my life, came new emotions that were foreign to me.  There would be moments of extreme love and I would then feel an intense panic that maybe this would all end.  I’d always catch myself and tell myself that of course he’s going to be with me forever, but I remember those initial moments of panic and how they made me feel.  As bad as that initial wave of panic felt, the reassurance that immediately followed made me feel happier than I’d ever felt in my life.  Those moments always moved me to a happy tear or two.

I felt that feeling again today.  I was standing in the kitchen, washing all of M’s dishes and my pump accessories, with M crawling on the floor behind me.  I heard his sweet babbling and as I thought about how much I love that sound, that panic of “what if this ends?” washed over me.  And instantly, I told myself that this is never going to end and that he’s mine forever.

And I cried a few happy tears.


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Family Ties

My cousin lives in the same town as me, and I don’t see her near enough.  She’s the same age as my younger sister and we all had a great time when we were growing up, hanging out at our grandparents’ house every few months.  Times at our grandparents’ were magical – and the best thing was that we knew it at the time.  They had one of those houses that was welcoming to everyone of all ages, with lots of land and activities for the kids, and they were relaxed about what the kids did.  We really had no limitations – and no responsibilities while there – and we knew that this was very special.  I miss those days.

My cousin and I share a very similar IF history in that we both struggled a great deal to get pregnant.  She tried and tried for years to get pregnant – 4 total.  She was not as aggressive as I was in getting treatment/assistance.  IF treatments really weren’t for her and she figured they’d just keep trying on their own.  I, on the other hand, was a regular at the RE’s office and never skipped a cycle with them.  I took no breaks – that’s just how I am.  She figured it would work out some day for them.  I figured it would only work out if I took control of the situation ASAP.  We are very different.  Where we are similar is that we knew of each others’ struggles and discussed them, and I think we both secretly hoped that we wouldn’t get pregnant before the other one.  We didn’t want to break each others’ hearts.

When I did get pregnant, I didn’t know how to tell her.  I asked my mom to tell her mom (our moms are sisters) and she agreed to do that for me.  I figured the news would be best coming from her mother.  In hindsight, that was so cowardly of me, but I just didn’t want to be the source of pain for her.  When my mom called her mom, she said, ‘Courtney has some news that she’s not sure how to tell K.  Their latest IVF worked and they’re finally pregnant.”  What do you think my aunt said?  “Are you kidding me?  K is pregnant too!  She didn’t know how to tell Courtney!”

My mom called to tell me, her mom called to tell her, and then we called each other and let out a collective sigh of relief.  It felt so good to feel SO happy for someone else when it came to pregnancy – and for that someone to be my cousin!  I felt relief for her, for myself, and for our families.  We both got our wishes granted, and at the same time.  We did it in our own ways though – her via good old fashioned trying and perseverance, and me through modern science.  Different paths but the same result – with the same timing.

Throughout our pregnancies, we were due just 6 days apart.  When I was told I needed a C-section because M was breech, I got very excited because I was allowed to deliver 6 days early which meant that we may have our babies around the same time and be hospital neighbors.  Our babies ended up being… exactly 6 days apart.  I went to see her and her daughter (H) the day after H was born and it was marvelous!  Sitting there holding her miracle, with mine still inside me, was surreal for me.

M and I went to visit them today.  We had planned to go last Wednesday, but our geothermal issue got in the way.  I love watching the babies play together.  M just sits back and watches while H runs the show.  That’s the way it’s always been and probably will always be.  It’s adorable.  H has the sweetest little baby voice I have ever heard.  Her soft, melodic voice almost moved me to tears today – it’s just so precious and something I hope to remember forever.  I could sit there, with my eyes closed, and just listen to her babble for hours – her voice is so peaceful to me.  M lit up at the sight of H and he jumped right in to be her friend, even if that meant letting her climb all over him and knock him around a little.

I feel privileged to have shared a similar path to parenthood with my cousin.  I look at K and H and can’t help but be reminded of how far we’ve all come, and how lucky we were to have each other during such a trying time.  I’m so fortunate to have such wonderful people for family!


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Bedtime Routine

Today was a good day – still hot here – but a good, good day!  We went out to see our friends’ new house which is so fabulous!   I am not an envious person, but I have to say that I am totally jealous of their house!  It’s not the house so much (even though, oh my, it is gorgeous) – it’s the setting.  This house sits on 5 acres (I believe) along a small river and it is just serene.  I honestly feel like we took a vacation today just from the 2 short hours we spent there.  We sat out on their patio and ate sandwiches, played with the dogs, watched for bald eagles, went down to the river shoreline, and discussed the new wildlife they’re seeing such as snapping turtles, various birds, and critters in the river.  It was a peaceful way to spend a Sunday!

Some friends had us over for dinner and cake to celebrate… the birthday.  Their 2 year old was very excited to sing “Happy Birthday” and even though I’m not a birthday person, I couldn’t help but enjoy watching and listening to his excitement!  As he led everyone in the singing, I did dream a bit about my birthday two years from now when M will be old enough to sing to me.  That will be fun  🙂

I was adamant about getting home in time for M’s bedtime.  With the house being so hot, and us always being on the go due to that, M has not been getting good naps this weekend which, in turn, leads to an “off” bedtime routine.  We are very regimented about bedtime.  Bath-PJ’s-Books-Nursing & Lullabies-Bed.  All of this occurs prior to 8:30 (a 7/7:30 bedtime was not working for us – I tried!).  Both Friday and Saturday nights resulted in 9:30 and 10:00 bedtimes due to the chaos of the heat and being anywhere but here late into the evenings.  Yikes!  So tonight, I was insistent that he be in bed by 8:30 and that he get as normal a routine as possible.

I love M’s bedtime.  It is the set time of the day that is solely focused on M – nothing gets in the way of it.  M’s bedtime is all of our time.  I give him his bath while B preps M’s room and bed, we both comb his hair and play with him after his bath (before his PJ’s go on), it takes both of us to get his jammies on (wiggly baby), B reads 3-4 books to him, and then I get him for nursing and lullaby time.  As I sat in the basement rocking him tonight on the sofa sleeper, singing lullaby after lullaby to him as he nursed and fell asleep, I thought about how much I’ll miss this time when he gets bigger.  I wondered if I’ll still sing to him every night when he’s, say, 2 and 3 years old.  Will he let me snuggle and sing to him when he’s bigger?  I don’t know – and I think I’d rather not know because I fear that the answer may be, “no.”  My heart breaks a little just typing that.

My day started with total peace out at our friends’ house, and it ended in total peace with my baby in my arms.  A perfect Sunday – and a perfect way to end a chaotic weekend.


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Birthdays

Update from yesterday:  We had blood work run again this morning and M’s liver enzymes are still slightly elevated which indicates that he did ingest something toxic.  The doctor today took things very seriously and was very thoughtful throughout our discussions with her.  We need to repeat the blood work until things are back to normal – so there are more needles (hopefully very few) in M’s immediate future.  M is feeling and acting great – you would have no idea that he went through what he did yesterday.  We are very thankful for the way this situation turned out!  Many thanks to you all for your words of support and encouragement  🙂

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Today is my birthday.  I’m not a big birthday person, and I know that that needs to change now that I have a child.  I want M’s birthday to be very special, each and every year.  I don’t want him growing up thinking that birthdays aren’t a big deal – because they really should be.

Given the events of yesterday, we did not have big plans.  Well, let me rephrase that.  B did have a weekend getaway planned, which was unbeknownst to me, but called the hotel on the way home from the ER yesterday to cancel.  We had to stay in town in case M got symptomatic again.  We also were prescribed to get a repeat of M’s blood work this morning, so going out of town was not an option.  Honestly, on the way to the ER yesterday, I told M that all I wanted for my birthday was for him to get better and to be OK.  And I got my birthday wish – thank G0d!

B and I don’t do big presents for each other for holidays or birthdays.  Instead, we buy something big for the house, or go on a trip, or make a fun (unnecessary) purchase prior to a birthday and say that’s our present.  This system works out great!  For Christmas this year, we bought the professional family photos for the house.  There is nothing that B could have given me that would warm my heart more than photos of my family throughout our home.  In February when I needed (wanted) a jogging stroller, I said, “this can by my birthday present this year.”  B knows that I’m serious when I say that, and he honors it and then focuses my real birthday on me and not on a gift for me.  The only thing I do ask for on the day of my birthday (or holiday) is a card.  I do need a card!

M’s birthday will not be treated like this at all.  Oh no!  I am already planning his first birthday party for the end of June and just asked my friend tonight if she’d help me practice his birthday cake.  I took a cake decorating class for B’s 30th birthday (3 years ago!) and that cake was the last one I’ve made that took real effort.  The cake was three tiers, full fondant, with support rods and all.  It was massive (heavy!) – and took almost 12 hours to complete with help from B in the final 4 hours so it would be done in time for his big birthday bash.  It was both fun and exhausting – so exhausting that I hung up my cake apron until now!  I have a smaller cake planned for M’s birthday, but it will be two tiers with fondant owls and trees – and I am rusty at cake decorating to say the least.  I need help and we need a couple practice runs at it so it’s perfect for his big day.  There will also be handmade invitations, a custom shirt and hat from Etsy for the birthday boy, and tasteful decorations and balloons to make the house festive.  Even though M won’t remember this at all, I want it to be memorable!

It needs to be special – because he is special!  There were days when we were cycling that I truly thought that we may never have a baby.  I wondered if I’d ever get to plan birthday parties, breakfasts with Santa, and Easter egg hunts.  Now I have this beautiful boy who makes every single day the best day of my life.  He deserves to be celebrated – and he will be celebrated each and every year – for the special gift that he is in our lives.