All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: Family


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The Monday Snapshot – My Sweet Boy

Matthew is 3 now, and everyone says 3 is harder than 2. In some ways, I agree, but in others, I do not.

Matthew certainly knows what he wants and tries very hard to succeed in his endeavors (like his dad), even if he knows he’s, “making Mommy mad” (oh, the way he says MAAAAD is so cute!). But he is also just the sweetest thing I’ve ever met! He’s always been a sweet boy, but today … Today melted my heart.

(Jackson was howling in his bag in the front seat.)

Matthew – “Mommy put cat in car.”
Me – “which cat is that, Matthew?”
Matthew – “Lily.”
Me – “No, buddy, it’s Jack. Do you remember where Lily is?”
(He points up to the sky.)
Matthew – “Up high.”
Me – “In the clouds, huh?”
Matthew – “Uh huh. I want her back, Mommy.”

Then he waves to the clouds and softly says, “Hi, Lily,” with the sweetest smile on his face.

I teared up as we both blew her a kiss from the car.

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Wordy Wednesday – Everyone’s Healing

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts about our Lily. We have had some really hard times here, but we’re doing better by the day.

We’ve been very surprised by how Matthew has taken this. We weren’t sure he’d understand, but he surely does and he has been very sad the last two days. He’s been waking up at night, telling us he misses us, resisting fun things like camp and friends because he doesn’t want to leave us, and saying, “I miss/want her,” when Lily comes up. We knew he loved her, but we didn’t know he’d miss her so badly.

My friend suggested a few months ago that we get a plush kitty that looks like Lily that Matthew can hold onto and love when he’s missing her. Being just 3, I wasn’t sure if he’d “get it” but that didn’t stop me from overnighting one yesterday. The stuffy arrived today during Matthew’s nap and I brought her to him right when he woke up. I said she’s his new “Lily Cat” who he can hug and love when he misses his Lily. He immediately said, “she’s in the clouds. Playing with ribbons. Pink ones and white ones,” and then hugged “Lily Cat” tightly and smiled. He seemed relieved. He insisted on taking her in the car (he doesn’t take any stuffies in the car – just wants balls and books) and hugged her the entire 30 minute drive to speech. “Lily Cat” had dinner with us on the deck, played basketball, and danced with us. At bedtime, Matthew asked for “my Lily Cat” and held her tight during books and singing, and fell asleep with her in his arms.

I am still amazed that Matthew understands this so well. I am even more amazed by the turn-around in his mood upon getting his “Lily Cat.” My little boy was hurting. He was confused, and sad, and insecure. And so were we. We shouldn’t be surprised by his emotions because he is a little human being with the same emotions as us, but we just didn’t think he’d “get it.” But he does.

Everyone here is healing slowly. B has taken this quite hard, I’ve had more moments of tears and sobbing than I can count, Matthew is obviously struggling (but seemingly better now), and Janie and Jackson are depressed and not eating. But each day is easier. Each day is a day further from the raw pain and a day closer to getting Lily’s ashes home with us where she belongs.

We’ll all be fine, it will just take time.

But we’ll miss Lily forever. That is for sure.


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And Then She Was Gone

Lily is playing with an unending supply of ribbons in the clouds. Ribbons are her favorite thing in the world (besides me).

Last night was rough, because I went to bed knowing it was our last sleep together. All the signs were there. I knew the morning was going to be hard.

Lily was just so tired, and her breathing was very labored, this morning. I told B first thing that it was time, and he agreed. His parents headed down but she started feeling worse before they were here, so my neighbor came up to be with the kids until Bs folks arrived.

I really didn’t want to take her to the ER vet, but that was the only option for us on a Sunday. It turned out being perfect for us, and I’d choose to say goodbye there again in the future, when necessary. The tech was so kind and took us to a comfortable, darkened room with a sofa, lamp, and end table… and there were clouds on the ceiling. They took Lily back to put the catheter in her arm and swiftly brought her back to us. We wrapped her in blankets and held her lovingly as they got the vet. The vet was fantastic and as swift as we asked. Lily took a few breaths as we whispered in her ear that we loved her. I told her to chase those ribbons all the way to the clouds. “Red ones, blue ones, green ones, and orange ones. No one is going to take them away from you. Chase them, sweet girl. I love you.”

And then she was gone.


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Thank You, Lily

Lily,

You’ve been the best cat in the world. You helped me through the two hardest times of my life, and taught me how to give sub-q injections before I knew I’d need to be giving them to myself one day soon. I always thought, “if Lily can handle two daily injections, I can handle them too.” Your bravery and courage have astounded me through all of your health ups and downs. You always pulled through for me, even when I was sure we were at the end.

Old girl, I’m afraid we’re really at the end this time. I told you tonight that it’s ok to go, and that if you want to let go while snuggling beside me tonight, that would be best. I’ve emailed Dr. Dan to let him know we’re coming in Monday morning.

My heart is broken.

But it’s also full. You gave us more time than anyone thought you could, and you fought like the champ you always are. Dr. Dan told me that we’d know when it was time. I know now. Even your dad knows, and he’s usually in denial regarding your health. We all loved on you tonight, and I’ll bring you to bed with me tonight for one of our last two sleeps. I’ll do it happily, but with a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart.

As my dad says, this is the cycle of life. I wish it wasn’t. I wish we could keep you forever. You are our boys first pet, one of the many things that makes you so special to us. You taught them to love animals, pet gently, and give kisses often. Thank you for that, old girl.

Thank you for all of your love. Thank you for all of your snuggles. Thank you for all of your kisses. Thank you for the countless nights of purring in my ear. Thank you for loving my whistle. Thank you for loving your dad almost as much as you love me. Thank you for all of your unwavering trust. Thank you for your endless companionship.

Thank you for it ALL.

I love you to the moon and back, Lily.
Mommy


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The Monday Snapshot – Back to Normal

We spent the weekend sharing two cabins amongst B’s immediate family (MIL, FIL, SIL1, SIL2, BIL, niece, nephew, the four of us). It was, surprisingly, a very fun, comfortable time. The only issue, and I truly mean ONLY issue, was our niece who is very mean, selfish, and manipulative with everyone, but specifically with Matthew. By the end of the weekend, Matthew had started mimicking her nasty behavior (being antagonistic, pushing Bryson over, claiming everything as his) and I was pretty upset. It’s hard when you spend lots of time with people who parent so differently from you, that you need to expend most of your energy running interference between the kids. My SIL does not correct her daughter, and claims that everything she does is “just helping.” Sneakily pulling a chair out from under a two year old is not helping. Running toward him and shoving him backwards off his feet and onto the floor, and then telling us that “he slipped,” is not helping. Calling Matthew over for a hug, and then kicking him in the face telling him not to touch her is not helping. This went on ALL weekend, and her mother stepped in only a few times. Other than that, she’d say, “I know you’re just helping him.”. Gah! So I stepped in, and B stepped in, and called both kids out on their behavior all weekend.

We’re home now, and we’re sort of “reprogramming” Matthew into the nice boy we took on vacation with us. We’ve heard fewer, “mine’s” out of him today, and he’s only pushed Bryson down once. We’re getting there.

And everyone is napping and sleeping in their rightful places again!

(Please don’t think that I think Matthew is perfect. He’s not. Just ask the neighbor boy he bit (first time for that – GAH!) last week and his preschool teachers who keep teaching him to NOT TAKE TOYS FROM HIS FRIENDS! Ha!)


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Wrapping up the Holidays

Here we are, it’s 2014, and I haven’t visited my own blog in ages. So sad… so very sad.

Things have been busy with the holidays.  My parents planned a family trip to Colorado starting on Christmas Eve, lasting until the 27th, and that trip put a wrench in everything holidays-related.  We were scrambling to buy gifts in time to ship them to the hotel, get things for the flight (stroller, accessories, car seat bag), and pack all four of us up for a four-day trip.  The trip preparations put a damper on everything else, including decorating the house and getting the lights up outside (which never happened).  Needless to say, I was a total Scrooge this year.  It just didn’t feel like Christmas.  I felt robbed – and I still do – in a way.

The trip was great – well – great in an “adult trip” sort of way.  The resort was fantastic (a very special place to my family and a resort that B and I have travelled to many times because it’s special to us too!), the room was spacious (my father insists we call it a suite, which is sooooo not me!), seeing my sisters and their kids was unforgettable, and the food was great.  But my goodness – B and I spent so much time in the room suite with napping/sleeping kids that I felt like I wasn’t able to do the things we were there to do (spend time with my parents, sisters, and their families) and that made me very grumpy.  I wasn’t upset with the kids – they nap (and well) and go to bed early (thank God!) – I was upset that we took our kids away from home ON Christmas to spend it in an unfamiliar place.  The times we spent with my family WERE great and super fun, but I just felt so disconnected from the whole thing, including Christmas in general.  I have nicely told my dad that we will not be doing that again while we have small kids – and he gets it.  I think he knows it was hard for my younger sister and me (she has 3 young kids who nap and go to bed early as well).

(I do want to make a note here that both Matthew and Bryson were complete angels on both flights.  Matthew sat in the big seat without his car seat, and he sat still and was a good boy both ways (and slept the entire return flight).  Bryson nursed and slept on the way up for both flights and flirted with everyone once we reached our cruising altitudes.  The descent on the return flight got to his ears and he cried, but no one can be upset about that.  Poor baby.  We are going to fly again this spring and are super calm about it now knowing how well the boys did for this trip.)

We celebrated with B’s family the weekend before Christmas and it was nice!  There were some annoying things like our 4 year-old niece being nasty to Matthew and our nephew constantly referring to Matthew as, “that kid,” but I put a stop to both of those situations immediately so that we could move on with merriment.  HA!  Matthew still is not into opening presents and I had to give him a time-out to get him to come sit with us to open his gifts.  After doing that, I read that that was the entirely WRONG thing to do so relaxed a great deal about his lack of interest in his gifts both in Colorado and then at our house on the 29th.  I’m learning… I’m learning  😉

We got home from Colorado on the 27th and no gifts were wrapped, so we didn’t celebrate on the 28th.  On the morning of the 28th, we felt a strong need to see B’s parents and let the kids have some good interaction with grandparents who are into them (my parents are not into any of the kids – they just aren’t).  That was good for my soul – it was great to be with B’s parents who are so happy to see us whenever we can make it work (every other week or so) and it was nice to just be still with them.  I’m not sure that makes sense – but that’s how it felt.  I always leave them feeling relaxed, which was not always the case.  B’s mom and I have come a  very long way in our relationship and respect for one another.  It feels good!

We finally did our Christmas on the 29th.  The best part about it was wrapping presents the night before.  B and I setup shop in the basement and I put the art easel together as he wrapped, wrapped, wrapped!  He bought a bunch of fun little toys for the boys, things I hadn’t seen yet, and he wanted to keep it that way so that I was surprised when the boys opened their gifts as well.  That was fun!  I picked out the discovery tower (for the kitchen) and the easel and put them both together since they were my ideas and because I like putting things together.  It worked out great!  I got a little tipsy with my favorite beer – hooray!  The next morning, Matthew took forever opening his gifts which was A-OK with me.  He got some super fun stuff from B and it was fun to see his reaction to things.  B is an AWESOME gift giver for the kids!  And this year – he NAILED it with his gift for me.  It made me cry a bit.

I got a wild hair on (our) Christmas morning and asked B if he wanted me to make a big prime rib dinner if I could find a roast (being after Christmas and all).  Of course he said yes (he loves my prime rib… and I will say that it is pretty good thank-you-Williams-So.noma!) so I got to work and spent almost 7 hours in the kitchen cooking, cooking, cooking.  Oh my god, it was like the best gift to myself!  Cooking big dinners relaxes me a great deal – prepping food calms my nerves.  I made cheese fondue (gruyere cheese, Emmentaler cheese, dry white wine, salt, pepper) as our appetizer, endive salads with blue cheese and bacon, prime rib and roasted asparagus, and chocolate fondue for dessert.  It was awesome – so fun to sit down to a multi-course meal together as a family!  We invited B’s brother who is always a fun addition to the evening!

So our holidays ended much better than they started.  They ended with loving grandparents, a happy family unit, well-rested kids (finally!), perfect gifts, and a fantastic (if I do say so myself) dinner.  Finally – finally – it felt like Christmas 4 days after the fact.

Our tree is undecorated and ready for the wood chipper.  The kids are back to their normal sleeping routines (Bryson is sleeping almost through the night with an early morning feeding sometime between 3:45 and 5:45 before sleeping again until 7:00-8:00 each morning).  Our laundry from the trip (and afterwards) is almost all caught up.  All of the new toys have homes within our home.  NYE was celebrated in an unconventional way by letting Matthew stay up to watch The Po.lar Exp.ress in our bed and then sleep all night with us (oh the joy!).  And we’re now looking forward to a 2014 full of travel (starting Jan 9th to KC) and better fitness… and much-needed (and deserved) sleep.

As my Aunt Linda loves to say – HUZZAH!

 


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The Monday Snapshot – Mine!

There are moments when I can’t believe that my life is really mine. These moments jump out of nowhere and can truly almost move me to tears. They almost always revolve around the happiness of one or both of my boys (like when Matthew bursts out in dance whenever he hears music, or when Bryson can’t stop smiling at me, even when I’m sucking his nose out).

We had a busy weekend, full of visits with B’s family every day of the weekend. We had his brother over Friday night, visited his parents Saturday, and met his sister and niece for breakfast on Sunday. It was a LOT of family time, and a bit too much for me, frankly. B’s sister will talk with him and unintentionally leave me out of the conversation each.and.every.time we see her. It’s frustrating. And Matthew LOVES his cousin and they play hard, and Matthew gets a little naughty and out of control. 😉 So Sunday was a morning of trying to interject (unsuccessfully) into an adult conversation, being the only one able to tend to both boys during yet another meal, and trying to get Matthew to calm down.

Sigh.

But then Matthew did this, and it stopped my heart for a moment. His happiness overwhelms me sometimes, and reminds me to lighten up. And for a split second, I gaze at him and think, “I can’t believe he’s mine!”


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A Tear or Two

B just forwarded me an email from his mom regarding Christmas.  It was lengthy and complicated, and you could just tell that she hated sending it.  She knows the holidays are stressful for her married kids who have two families to appease.  She is rather sensitive to most everything, so her email had a friendly, “I’m sorry for doing this to you” tone.  (We would never get an email like that from my parents.  HA!)

When talking about activities for Christmas Day, she said, “Understand B that you, Courtney and the boys will be spending Christmas with Courtney’s family.”  You, Courtney, and the boys.  The boys.  THE BOYS.  Reading that made me smile… and it made me tear up instantly.  That one little sentence made me think about the fact that my dream – our dream – came true.

We have the boys.

We have OUR BOYS.

Not just one, but two!

Sometimes, the pleasant reality of my life hits me when I least expect it.  Sometimes, someone else’s words make me reflect on the life I’m living, and the people in it.  Sometimes, I pause for a moment and cry a happy tear or two.