All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!


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Naming BB2

When we named Matthew, it was easy.  It was a slam dunk, actually.  I had a list of names, Matthew was at the top of that list, and B had an old childhood friend named “Matt” who was truly his best friend.  Sadly, Matt passed away when he and B were in college and that left a hole in B’s heart forever.  When we discussed names early on while dating, I mentioned “Matthew,” he agreed to it whole-heartedly, and we were set.  All we needed was a boy, and we got him!  Matthew’s middle name is my younger sister’s nickname, so it truly was THAT EASY to  name him.

BB2 – not so much.

We have gone round and round on what to name BB2.  I have offered up this list of names:

  • Bauer (I LOVE this!)
  • Bennett (I love it but is gaining in popularity)
  • Charlie
  • Coleman
  • Elliott
  • Gatzby (the response I got was, “What?”
  • Henry (I love this, but it is super popular right now)
  • Hugo (LOVE!)
  • Liam
  • Luke
  • Leo
  • Lincoln
  • Noah
  • Peter
  • Theo
  • Tobin
  • Simon
  • William
  • Winston

All vetoed, and rather quickly.

When we were at a restaurant on Super Bowl Sunday discussing names, I brought up “William” again.  B was expressing why it wasn’t the name for BB2 and this guy at the table next to us chimed in and asked, “What about Wilson?”  We looked at each other and you could just tell that we both liked it!  I was excited!  This meant I could still call him “Will” if I wanted.  We agreed to “try the name out” for a bit.

BB2 is referred to in our house as, “Wilson,” and I’ve fallen in love with it.  I’ve gotten very attached to it.  If we decide to not go with “Wilson,” I will have a hard time letting go of that name.  BB2 may always be “Wilson” in my mind, even if he has a different name once he’s born.

We went out for dinner on Saturday for a date night, and I think we discussed names for BB2 the entire time.  B came to the table prepared with suggestions!  Hallelujah!  I didn’t necessarily latch on to any of them, but it was nice that he was suggesting things.  The name he REALLY like is “Franklin,” which is a great name.  BUT – people would call BB2 “Frank” and I can’t live with that.  I’m not a fan of “Matt,” but if Matthew decides to go by that when he gets older, I can live with it.  I cannot live with “Frank.”  Therefore, “Franklin,” as nice as it is, is off the table.

We revisited my list and all of those names are still vetoed (sigh) and I suggested we look into the names of cities in Colorado (don’t laugh at me, Josey!) because we both love Colorado.  Well, guess what names on MY list are names of cities in Colorado?  Two of my favorites – “Hugo” and “Bennett.”  Even with that going for me, those names are still on the veto list  😉

At the end of dinner, I did offer up a name that popped into my head earlier that day.  I wasn’t sure how it would set with B.

“What about Cayman?”

B asked where I came up with that.  I didn’t know.  It had just been floating in my head all day.  Turns out, when we were shopping earlier that day, we walked by a new Porsche and Brian wondered out loud if it was the new 911 or… the “Cayman.”  That’s right, the name that is stuck in my head is the model of a Porsche.  HA!  My dad would be so proud (he is the very proud owner of a 911, which he thinks is the best.car.ever.built)  😉

Turns out that B likes “Cayman,” so we’re thinking about it.  I think “Wilson” is still on the list.  B thinks that “Franklin” is still on the list (it is not).

We’re still no closer to having a name for BB2 – and I have a goal of having him named by this Friday.

Wish me luck!


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The Monday Snapshot – Rare Photo!

Matthew has become difficult to photograph.  He’s not uncooperative, per se, but he just won’t pose anymore like he used to.  He’s just too busy!  I caught a RARE, genuine smile on camera yesterday and I was THRILLED!  Here it is!

A grand smile resulting from Daddy kisses!

A grand smile resulting from Daddy kisses!

 

Check out the Monday Snapshot over at PAIL Bloggers for more cute photos of cute kids!


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Today is Different

Today was a normal day.  I woke up before Matthew, which is always nice, thought about Wilson, and smiled because he was up too.

I didn’t worry about him.  I just layed there and enjoyed feeling him say hello.

I’ve felt much better about things in the last 24 hours.  I let a day, full of potential, get away from me yesterday due to worry and concern.  I know that worrying is normal, but I have a toddler to interact with all day and he deserves a mother who is focused on him.    He deserves these final months of being my sole focus, because things are going to change at the end of June.  I hate the idea of ruining even a single day with him due to worry.

We spent the morning having fun, watching CG, snuggling in bed with milk and bananas, and showering.  I didn’t shower yesterday (I wonder why) and we both missed that – playing in the shower with the bubbles and bottles of soap is one of Matthew’s favorite things to do.  He LOVES standing under the water and letting it beat down on his head.  I’m so glad we made time for that today!  We took our sweet time and we both enjoyed the relaxation!

Vera, Matthew’s girlfriend, came up for a play date.  They had a ball.  I swear, that girl could beat him to a pulp and he’d laugh through the whole ordeal!  She is the sweetest thing to him too – kisses and hugs him like crazy.  It’s too cute!  I’m so glad we had her up – having her here made things feel normal again too!

Yesterday was just too much.  We stayed busy, but there was such negativity hanging over me.  I wasted time, I sat around doing almost nothing after Matthew went to bed – and stayed up too late doing nothing.  I didn’t even watch TV.  I didn’t clean up the house.  I didn’t put toys away (something we insist on nightly).  I didn’t do the dishes from earlier in the day.  I didn’t fold the laundry or wash more.  I didn’t enjoy myself.  And that’s sad to me.  I need to try to enjoy myself when I have these random nights when B is away.  Everyone needs “me time,” and I totally wasted it.

Today is different.  We got up, we enjoyed the morning, we hosted a play date, we went to lunch, Matthew took a STELLAR nap (almost 3 hours!), I did laundry, I skyped with one of my besties, I picked up the house, I framed Matthew’s first b-day photo (so cute!), I washed all of Matthew’s dishes (even the ones from lunch), and I did not worry about Wilson.

Wilson is going to be OK.  I have no doubts.  I need to let him rest and enjoy a peaceful mother, because things may not be this peaceful when he’s on the outside!


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Tomorrow is Another Day

When I was growing up from a very young age, my parents had some best friends who were like a second set of parents to us.  Their kids were our age and we grew up with them.  I think we spent almost every weekend with them, and in the summers, our two families were practically inseparable.  If we weren’t with the B’s, we were counting down the days until we were.  Mr. B was, and still is, an awesome guy.  I love him to pieces.  He’s the type of guy who makes everyone in the room feel like he’s known them forever – even if he just met them 5 minutes earlier.  As I write that, I realize that my B is like Mr. B in that way.  Interesting.  Anyway,  I clearly remember late one evening (when I was in my teens) after a long day for my dad, Mr. B was over and said, “L, tomorrow is another day.”  My dad, of course, mocked him and pointed out that Mr. B was just stating the obvious.  But I liked what he said.  Sure, it was obvious, but it was something that we all need to remember when things suck.  I held onto that thought for the rest of my life, and recounted it over and over again when things got hard.  (As an adult, I looked up the origin of that saying and it’s the last line of “Gone with the Wind.”  Of course my father didn’t know that because he mocks good literature.)

Today was another day.

I woke up around 3:30 needing to use the restroom.  My first thought when I woke up was that I really wanted a DQ Blizzard (that’s been on my mind since starting Whole30!).  The immediate next thought was, “ah.. ultrasound.  Wilson, are you there?”  He was  🙂  I couldn’t sleep then for another hour or so, and just tossed and turned, and thought and thought.  I should have said yesterday that I’m not worried that Wilson will die.  I’m worried what his first days and/or weeks could be like if this “thing” ends up being something that needs to be addressed.  I worry about being able to hold him, and nurse him, and just do the things that you do with a newborn baby.  I know we’re not there yet in terms of needing to plan those things out, but I can’t get them out of my head.  Especially at 3:30 in the morning.

Matthew has been a GREAT sleeper these last two weeks and let me sleep until 7:15.  I am so grateful!  We got up and had a fun morning.  We went to see my cousin (our guardian for our kids if something bad would happen to us), her two girls, and her niece (who is 5 days older than Matthew).  It was a great time and Matthew had a ball!  This gathering was pre-planned earlier this week, but it REALLY worked out in my favor given what’s going on (or not going on) with Wilson.

My cousin is a non-practicing doctor.  She’s a smart gal.  And she’s married to a radiologist.  I wasn’t even fully in the house before I was talking about yesterday, the ultrasound, and Wilson.  She listened and then said that I shouldn’t freak out, but that she knows it’s scary.  She asked what they know so far and I basically said, “nothing.”  She asked if they speculated and I told her that they really didn’t but that the word, “cyst,” came up a few times.  She asked if it was fluid-filled, air-filled, and if it had any solid debris in it.  What Dr. H had told me was that it was fluid or air-filled, and that there was no visible debris at all (which is good).  All of this made my cousin relax a bit.  That, then, helped me relax.  She asked if a radiologist had read the scans and I said I didn’t think so, but was wondering if her husband could.  He can, but she says it’s better for him to be in the room, reading it as it’s happening.  She asked where I was going for the next scan and she was happy with the doctor I’ll be seeing.  She said that after that scan, that her husband could read the scans if I wanted.  And that if I want him to do a scan, to just ask.

So that was great.  I feel better.  I knew she would make me feel better.  She always makes me feel better.

We met B for a quick Valentine’s Day lunch between his meetings.  Matthew had a complete and total meltdown at the table, resulting in me saying, “box it up, we’re leaving.”  He is having a hard time making it to his normal nap time (12:45) these days.  He gets so tired.  He is sleeping better in the morning, but needing an earlier nap.  Go figure!  Anyway, it was nice to see B for lunch because he’s out-of-town again tonight, but back tomorrow.  Being perfectly honest,Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday to me, so him being out-of-town is really not a big deal.  I just don’t like this holiday, but in the past, I’ve insisted that we at least exchange cards.  I was supposed to get B’s card yesterday.  That didn’t happen for obvious reasons.  He didn’t have a card for me either.  Win-win for everyone!  BUT – the nicest flowers were delivered today and that was really sweet of B!  It made my day better!  (And if you’re wondering, I do have something super special ordered for B for Valentine’s Day, but it’s not ready yet.)

Our day went on as normal.  Sure, I’m a little down, but Matthew keeps me on my toes and HAPPY.  Man alive, he keeps me happy!

I had a text exchange with my cousin late tonight.  She told her husband about Wilson’s “thing” and he has never heard or seen anything like what I’m describing.  So that makes me a bit nervous, but on the flip-side, it makes me a bit upbeat because if it was something awful, surely it’s been seen before.  Right?  I’m choosing to believe that this is a good thing.

And tomorrow is another day, yet again.


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And So it Goes

I had Wilson’s anatomy scan today (“Wilson” is the name we’re trying out for BB2).  B was out-of-town at an unavoidable meeting.  Dr. H tried so hard to move the scan so he could be there, but we were pushing up against the end of the anatomy scan window, so I had to go alone.

After our elective gender scan 3.5 weeks ago, I had no concerns.  I skipped right on in when I was called back.  I can feel Wilson moving a lot now, so I don’t worry about finding a heartbeat anymore during ultrasounds, which is nice.

Not the scan to go alone to.

During the scan, the tech spent a LOT of time on Wilson’s stomach.  You know how you just know when something seems off?  That’s how I felt.  She kept measuring this black circle, over and over and over again.  I knew not to ask her what she was doing.  She seemed rather serious.  Red flag #1.  I also noticed that when she measured most things, she’d label them on the screen.  She was not labeling the black “thing.”  Red flag #2.  And finally, at the end after not a single attempt at a 3D scan, I asked, “no 3D picture today?”  She seemed startled and said that she could try again and quickly said, “the placenta is too close to his face, so I can’t get it.”  Red flag #3.

I went out to the waiting room and waited for Dr. H’s nurse to call me back.  She was her normal cheery self, so I forgot all about the red flags.  That’s how I work – just distract me, please!  We chatted about her impending move out-of-state and her fiancée’s residency.  We discussed my second trimester screening results (all good!) and my blood pressure.  Etc. etc. etc.  She left to get Dr. H.

Dr. H popped his head in and said that they were working on scheduling my c-section and that he’d be right back.  OK!  He came in saying “June 25th at 7:00 – with Dr. O.  You’ll need to be there EARLY.  Does that work?” with the grin that defines this man!  YES – that works!  He then said, “now, I don’t want you to freak out.”

Ugh.

He then went on to say that there was an anomaly on Wilson’s stomach.  I told him I knew that from how the scan went.  He was a bit surprised, but then not so surprised.  He showed me that pesky little black circle that the tech kept measuring over and over again.  What is it?  Well, they don’t know.  They have no idea.  It could be nothing, it could be something.  I was immediately booked with a perinatologist (MHM) for next Friday (9 long days from now).  That’s the soonest they can get me in due to their overwhelming practice.

I kept it together rather well.  I teared up here and there, but never cried.  Dr. H said that it’s not something to freak out about, but that he would be worried if it was his kid.  That’s why I love this man – he is so down-to-earth and REAL.  As we talked it through, I started getting concerned.  “So, if it is something, we’ll just fix it after he’s born, right?”  Well, not necessarily.  That made me almost cry.  He said again that we have no idea what it is, but that some things aren’t fixable.  But he hopes this is nothing and if it’s something, that we can fix it.  He also said that by the time I see the peri next week, it could be gone.  That would be nice.  I then made the mistake of asking how big it is.

“Tiny.”

“How tiny?”

“About 0.8cm.”

“How big is his stomach right now?”

“A little over double that.”

Almost tears again.  This “thing” is almost half the size of Wilson’s stomach.  That concerns me.  A lot.

Dr. H knows how my mind works and mentioned that they rarely see cancer in newborns.  What what what?  My mind hadn’t even gone there (yet).  I’m sure it would have, while home alone, so it was good of Dr. H to say that he didn’t think that was a concern.  So I asked what it looks like.  A cyst-type thing, but they really have no idea.

Dr. H and I talked about the fact that everything else checked out just fine, and that the “catastrophic” things they look for aren’t there.  He stressed again that this thing could be gone by next week.  We then talked about the appointment in a week.  Dr. H said that Dr. W sees the “worst of the worst” and the folks in his practice have built up some pretty tough exteriors.  To that, I said, “so I won’t expect them to be all nice like you guys here.”  Precisely.  He said that Dr. W will meet with us right after the scan with a diagnosis and/or next steps.

I started to tear up again.

He told me that B must be at that scan with me (of course he will be).  I started to get scared about the whole thing and asked him when he’ll be updated.  He said if it’s bad, that Dr. W will text him right away.  If it’s fine, he’ll be updated within a few hours.  I asked when my next appointment with Dr. H is and he said not until March 13th.  I was crying at this point, choking back tears.  Dr. H looked at me and said, “Courtney, if you walk out of there confused, or scared, or concerned, or anything, you just call me.  Call me from the parking lot.  You call me if you just want me to tell you it’s fine.  Just call me.”

I got myself together so that I wouldn’t be the woman walking out of the OB who scares the hell out of everyone in the waiting room.  I wasn’t even out the door of the building before texting B.  “You need to step out right now.”  He called me not even one minute later.  I fell apart.  I sobbed in the parking lot, I sobbed in the car.  B sounded stunned and worried.  I can’t imagine being him, making that call, and the first thing he hears is, “there may be a problem.”  We talked it through and he sounded more and more concerned, and was very upset that I was so upset and alone.

I went to pick Matthew up at the neighbors’ and I could not get there soon enough.  I drove as fast as I could to get to him.  I just needed to be with him.  Bless his little heart, he came running to me and gave me a huge hug.  I cried on his little shoulder.

I told my neighbor about it and she comforted me.  And then I collected my boy and drove home.  Thank god for him.  He kept me distracted until lunch with a good friend, and she took over from there.  After lunch, I brought Matthew home and it took everything in me to put him down for a nap.  I just wanted to keep holding him.  I wanted to keep rocking him.  I wanted to keep smelling his hair and feeling his breath on my cheek as he dozed off.

I don’t think I wanted to be alone.

I got a lot more hugs from Matthew throughout the day as I easily resisted bing-ing (because we don’t go.ogle anything in this house) what we saw on the scan.  I won’t research this.  There’s no need – it will only scare and upset me.  I called my little sister to tell her, since I talk to her almost every day and not telling her would be lying.  I advised her that I am not telling my parents because I can’t take their unwanted advice, drama, and research on the situation.  Until there’s something to know, there’s nothing to tell.  And right now, there’s nothing to know.

B came home early from his trip and asked if we could try to go to the university hospital sooner for the scan.  I told him that I like the timing – that a week gives it time to grow, or shrink, or – hopefully – disappear.  If we could get the scan this week, they’d just tell us to come back in a week or so anyway.  I’m good with the timing and he seems to be too.

My mind has already gone in certain directions.  I told B that I want Wilson formally named before the scan on Friday.  I want him to be a “whole person” before we get the verdict.  He agrees, but rubbed my shoulder and said, “he already is a whole person.”  That was the perfect thing to say at that very moment.  I needed to hear that.

We’ve also decided that his birth, no matter how this thing turns out, will be our event only.  There will be no one waiting in the waiting room as we deliver, as both sets of our parents did last time.  We will need to discuss birth plans with our doctors and sort out when we can nurse him, if and when he’ll go for a scan to check the “thing,” and if and how they’ll treat the “thing” if it’s still there when he’s born.  Even if this thing disappears before he’s born, I still want an ultrasound almost immediately after he’s born just to be sure we’re in the clear.  The only people who will be meeting Wilson right away are his mom, dad, and big brother.

So – there it is.  My 20 week scan was far from perfect.  It started well with a cooperative baby and quickly became a bit concerning.  It went from being a bit concerning to being altogether terrifying.

We won’t know anything for over a week.

And so it goes…


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The Monday Snapshot – Love!

We had a rough day yesterday.  I woke up just in an awful mood.  I hadn’t slept most of the night due to discomfort (I ordered my pregnancy pillow just yesterday) and Matthew woke up a bit early.  I was so exhausted, and had a splitting headache, all damned day.  B went to the gym while Matthew napped and when Matthew woke up early from his nap, I started a text assault on my poor husband, complaining about him being gone so long.  Once the messages were sent, I realized that my issue is exhaustion and fear – B is going to be out-of-town two nights this week and I fear how those nights will go if Matthew is tired and grumpy.  When B got home, he encouraged met to go out on my own but that’s not what I wanted – or needed.  I just needed to cry.  And I did.  Twice.

After that, I felt much better and suggested we all go to Sch.eels to look at DUCKS and the MOOSE!  I’m not one for taxidermied animals (I’m not one for killing animals for anything more than providing food for one’s family, but I digress), but Matthew loves looking at all of the stuffed animals and we needed some family time.

It’s just what I needed!

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This is my contribution to the Monday Snapshot hosted by PAIL Bloggers.  There are lots of cute photos up today – go check them out!


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How “It’s” (the Diet’s) Going

I’ve been sticking to my modified (for thyroid issues) paleo diet for 4 days now.  I’m logging my food intake here, in case anyone is interested.

I have to say… it’s going well.  VERY well!

When I started this, I almost cried.  We went to Who.le Foo.ds to buy “essentials” and came out of the store with very little because, well, there isn’t much on the list of foods I can eat.  I am limited to most veggies, natural meats, and some fruits.  When we lived the paleo lifestyle last summer, we did allow ourselves to have dairy as long as it was “whole” dairy and nothing processed beyond minimal federal requirements.  This time around, I have cut the dairy.  Completely.  This is by far the hardest part for me.  This part of the diet almost made me cry as I walked out of Who.le Foo.ds with my bags full of… super whole foods!  The milk in my cart was for Matthew.

Going grains-free is not really an issue for me.  Sure, I tend to bulk up on them before starting down the paleo/modified-paleo route, but I can see myself living almost grain-free for the bulk of my life if I would just set my mind to it.  Not eating grains over the last 4 days has been no big deal, aside from the fact that everything “easy” includes grains (pizza, sandwiches, Mexican food).  Once I got past the first day of this, my definition of “easy” went out the window and I came up with easy ways to get calories without needing grains to put them on, essentially.

So how am I making this work?  When I started out on this, I was very concerned that I wouldn’t be able to get creative enough to get all of my required calories in for being a 20-week pregnant gal.  The first day, I failed miserably.  The second day, with B’s help, I almost hit my target and I was thrilled.

The key to this is high-calorie items like meats, avocados, and coconut milk.  I eat grass-fed, all-natural, nitrite-free meat sticks every day in the form of beef, turkey, and salmon (sounds gross, but is wonderful).  We order these, and most other meats, from Wallace Farms and they deliver them to whichever pickup location I select within our area (they deliver to Naperville as well).  Coconut milk has been my saving grace – I pour it over my berries at night and, well, it makes me happy!  I had tried coconut milk yogurt which was OK, but B suggested I put straight coconut milk on my berries and that was the best suggestion ever!  Coconut milk is way cheaper than coconut yogurt, and it’s actually better.  I love it!  We also use it to make mashed cauliflower which is awesome!

How am I feeling?  I feel pretty darned good.  I have a lingering headache which I believe is from caffeine withdrawal.  Besides that, I just feel better and way less bloated.  I was having a lot of stomach pain before I started this and that has all disappeared.  I am still not perfect in the GI area, but it’s getting better and I have to believe that that will improve over time.  I was rather swollen in my legs and face and that has all gone away.  I am stuffier, which I wasn’t expecting having given up dairy, so I think it must be a cold.  Interestingly, but not surprisingly, I have dropped 4.2 pounds in 3 full days of this.  I know that that is not a goal, but I was gaining weight at record speed during this pregnancy and even though my doctor didn’t seem too concerned, they did say that there’s no reason for me to be putting on the weight I was.  It was time for a change – I don’t want to gain 50 pounds while pregnant!  I am now down to “normal” pregnancy weight gain for being 20 weeks pregnant, and feeling way better.  I was just retaining water like a crazy woman!  I noticed on our scale that my water % was going up at the same rate as weight, telling me it was severe water retention.  That number is now back down to my normal levels.

We went out for dinner last night to one of my favorite places of all time.  I think I’ve written about it before – it’s called the Flying Mango.  They have the most incredible smoked brisket on the planet – I am not kidding you.  Their entire menu is rather paleo-friendly, which makes it special to us – but beyond that, it’s just a great place to go!  It’s one of the few restaurant gems we have in DSM, land of the chain restaurants.  😉   I got my brisket and trimmed off all of the fat, got a mashed sweet potato cake, and steamed zucchini and brussels sprouts.  It was divine, and I only missed their decadent corn bread a little.  I didn’t even put BBQ sauce on my meat – I ate it plain Jane and it was perfect!

If I can go to my favorite restaurant and not slip up, I feel like this is more than do-able for the long term.  I do plan on re-introducing whole dairy after the initial 30 days are up, but only in the form of cheese (I miss Chip.ot.le a lot!).  I don’t see myself eating many grains in my future, except on my birthday!  I already told B that there must be an orange mimosa cake waiting for me on St. Patricks Day!