All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!


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Bedhead

Matthew had a rough nap today, as evidenced by his hair when he woke up.  😉  Seriously, this boy’s hair lays so perfect most of the time, and he has NEVER had “bedhead.”  I have expected him to have some difficult hair every once in a while given the fact that we keep his hair pretty short and trimmed, and he has a LOT of it.  Matthew’s hair is THICK.

I thought he looked so cute with his “bedhead” today, that I didn’t even try to fix it.  He looked like a bona-fide little boy, rather than a toddler.  A little surreal, but sweet!  We took him out to the mall and to dinner with his sloppy hairdo, and I loved it!  I finally took a photo at dinner because it was still standing on end.  HA!

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I paid for this photo with his screams for me to give him my phone once he saw it out. I did not relent! Thirty seconds later, Matthew did relent. Score one for the tough mama!

One of these days, I’ll get around to writing a real post – you know – one with substance?  We’ve had a rough week that started out with a poor decision on my part to take Matthew to his favorite lunch spot (Chipo.tle) and get him mild salsa with peppers, along with his favorite guac in the whole wide world.  I will never get him that salsa again – the guac is fine and he can handle that, but that alone.  That stupid salsa set him, and his naps, back for two damned days.  We were both crying in the afternoon after a short, 45 minute nap.  The next day was not much better – a 1.5 hour nap and tears as he woke up again.  Geesh!  I’m happy to report that yesterday was blessed with a BEAUTIFUL 2.6 hour nap and the last two nights, he’s slept well over 11 hours.  My sanity has returned.

Now, if we could just get him to eat something besides fruit, eggs, and string cheese (and Chipot.le, of course) – life would be back to “normal!”

Lunch with Daddy - look at that happiness with his Chipot.le pork, salsa, and guac. We ALL paid for this lunch over and over again. Poor kid!

Lunch with Daddy – look at that happiness with his Chipot.le pork, salsa, and guac. We ALL paid for this lunch over and over again. Poor kid!

Mom trying to salvage a nap. This was heaven, for about 2 minutes at a time before he would scream out in tummy pain. Stupid Chipo.tle salsa!

Mom trying to salvage a nap. This was heaven, for about 2 minutes at a time before he would scream out in tummy pain. Stupid salsa!


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Kids These Days

My son is growing up way too fast.  I spent my morning paying a deposit and registering Matthew for pre-preschool.

YES – that’s PRE-preschool.  Also known as “Parent’s Morning Out.”  This is a program designed for kids whose parents stay home with them who miss out (my words, not theirs) on the structure of daycare.  Yes, we chose to not put Matthew in daycare, but in making that decision, we knew he’d be missing out on some key social skills that kids his age are learning in daycare.

Like taking turns.

Like standing in line.

Like sharing with not just a friend or two, but lots of friends at once.

Like eating nicely at a table with other friends.

I have a friend who is the mother of 4 – and her fourth is just a month older than Matthew.  Her other three children are 10, 8, and 7.  She has raised great kids who are thriving in school and in their extracurricular activities.  Her 19 month-old listens to her very intently and follows instructions like you’ve never seen from a 19 month-old.  This friend used to be a first grade teacher.  She knows her stuff.  So when she says, “you should sign Matthew up for this,” I listen.  This friend and I grew up together and she, herself, was raised by a “retired” teacher (her mom decided to quit teaching when she was born).  Teaching grade-school kids runs deep in their family, so when she raves about this or that program, I run home to research, and most often-times, sign Matthew up!

So today’s outing was to get him registered for PMO for September – a program that is already full at this point for the coming school year.

Which made me ask my friend today, “when do I need to get him signed up for preschool?”

Ummmm… YESTERDAY.

We had a quick chat about the various programs in the area.  The public programs aren’t that great (and I knew this on my own) and are too rigid, not terribly warm and nurturing.  I am not a fan of the public school system HERE, but my friend is.  The fact that we both aren’t fans of the public preschool programs HERE says something!  So we discussed the private programs and there are so many to choose from, that your head could spin.

And mine did.

We want Matthew in a very particular, highly competitive public school downtown (it’s called the Downtown School – truly) or a small private school downtown.  We’ve narrowed it down to theses two particular schools and just need to sort out how to get into the Downtown School or whether we prefer the private school over that one.  Not an easy task, but we have time on that. We can’t even get on the list for the Downtown School until Matthew’s third birthday.  I’m not sure how to work through all of this when the time comes, but again – I have time.

What we don’t have time to sort out is preschool.  I’ve got the PRE-preschool things done, but what am I to do for preschool?

My friend told me of the program that she sent all of her kids to.  It sounds awesome!  Now, the one issue, which is the same issue with almost all private preschools in the area, is that there is religious education tied to the program.  We are not religious.  I think we can work around this by using it as a way to introduce religion to Matthew (I fully believe in presenting options and letting the child decide for him/herself what they want to believe, when the time comes) and get those discussions going.  The bottom line is – if we want him in private preschool, we’re looking at one of these faith-based schools and that’s about it (aside from preschools at daycares which I’m just not sure about aside from one in particular).

Or is it?

The private school (which is not religious) we’re heavily considering for kindergarten-8th grade has a preschool.  I don’t know anything about this preschool but have requested information.  We have friends who send their kids to this school (and the dad sits on the board) and they are in LOVE with the school, but he told me the other day not to waste my money on the preschool because, “it’s just preschool.”  GAH!!!!  Then there are the Montessori schools but they are crazy expensive and I truly wonder if they’re worth the money.  So – we’re likely back at faith-based preschools.

Again, I sort of like the idea of introducing the topic of religion now so that we can have educated discussions about it in our home, but how much is too much?  I went to Catholic high school (all-girls, at that!), and I LOVED the Re-Ed part of it.  LOVED it.  But that was in high school, when they focus on world religions, death and dying, the Holocaust, etc.  I pretty much think preschool is just going to focus on Jesus and Christianity.  Not necessarily what we’re going for.  We’re going for a world approach to religion in this family.

(For the record, if I could pick my religion right now and just make it so, I’d be Jewish.  Love most everything (that I know) about that faith!  I love their CULTURE and traditions.)

This particular preschool has a phenomenal curriculum and education is their focus, not religion.  This is in line with my experience with Catholic high school – education first, religion second.  I’m OK with that.  I believe that’s how it should be.

So yeah, my head is spinning.

I did sign Matthew up for the wait list for preschool for both 2014 and 2015 (depending on when we’d start him) at the church.  It doesn’t hurt to have your kid on a waiting list for one of the top programs in the area.   We will for sure get in if we decide to go with this school.  I was told that had I waited a few months, that we would not likely get in.  I think this may be a sign.  In the meantime, I’ve also requested information on the preschool at the non-religious private school that we fancy so much.  I will also look into the preschool at the one daycare that we sent Matthew to when he was a baby (the kids there impressed us immensely, as did the preschool teachers).  Either way, I think we have our bases covered for preschool.

What about kindergarten, or Pre-K, now?

Well, I also signed Matthew up for the faith-based school’s AWESOME kindergarten program that we could use as a pre-K experience for him (if we decide not to start him in traditional school (kindergarten) until he is 6 – in 2017) or a full replacement for kindergarten (if we decide to start him in first grade in 2017 at the age of 6).  From what I’m told, this half-day program is so terrific that kids coming from it are way ahead of the kids who attended full-day kindergarten at the public schools.  The kindergarten decision is a non-issue to me because it gives us the time we need, and the education and teachers to help us, to decide if he’s ready for kindergarten as a young 5 year-old, or a young 6 year-old.  I know I’ll need help making that decision and sending him to this particular school’s kindergarten program will provide me the guidance I will need to make that very difficult decision.

So here I am, with an almost 19 month-old, signing him up for pre-preschool and getting him on waiting lists for preschool and kindergarten.  Holy smokes – I’ll be signing him up for his SAT’s and ACT’s before I know it!

QUICK UPDATE!  B reminded me of a program that our friend sent her son to downtown at the Science Center.  They focus on science and hands-on learning, which is right up our alley.  We will be getting on their waitlist tomorrow!


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The Monday Snapshot – One More Christmas Present!

B has a wonderful business partner who he has actually known for 12 years now.  They worked together when B first got out of college, and she recruited him to his current company three years ago.  B loves his job immensely and we are grateful for her every day!  She is a wonderful woman with an awesome family – the type of family you want to emulate.  She and her husband (who is a nurse – do they get any nicer than that??) have two boys who are very tender-hearted.  They LOVE Matthew and Matthew loves them.  The boys (13 and 10) picked out a Christmas present for Matthew and would not allow their mom to give it to him until they could be there to watch him open it.  So this weekend, we took Matthew to watch one of the boys play in a basketball tournament (OMG Matthew LOVED watching the boys play basketball!) where he got his gift afterwards.

Those boys picked out the PERFECT gift for Matthew!  Turns out that they had one when they were his age and loved it for years – and just had to get it for Matthew.  What did I tell you?  Tender-hearted boys (even if the older one tries to act tough most the time – HA!)!  When these boys see Matthew, their faces just light up and vice versa.  It’s so special!

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This is my weekly contribution to the Monday Snapshot over at PAIL Boggers.  Check out the other cute Monday memories here!


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Appendage

I started this post on Thursday night with just a subject line, and left it in draft mode so that I wouldn’t forget to write about it.  Tonight, I must write about it.

Because I let go a little bit tonight.  I am close to tears over it.

On Thursday night, we went out for B’s company’s holiday dinner.  We got a babysitter, one we trust immensely and who Matthew loves to pieces.  She’s 40 and is the SIL of B’s coworker, the one I wrote about earlier today with the two sweet boys.  “Aunt K” has no kids of her own and is truly what any kid would dream of for an aunt.  She is involved in everything they do, she loves them like her own, and she’s taught them to respect her for the adult that she is.  I think “the boys” behave better for Aunt K than they do for their own parents sometimes.  When Aunt K offered to start watching Matthew for us so we could go out every once in a while, we jumped at it.  We know that she loves our boy as much as he loves her, and tha’s a gift.

We went out several weeks ago and Matthew had not had a good day – he didn’t nap well and then had a complete meltdown when K was watching him.  Bless her heart, she did text us and said that he was a wreck and needed us.  I like that in a sitter – one who doesn’t sugar-coat it and tells you when  you’re needed.  We rushed home as soon as we could and I could not get in the door fast enough.  I found my boy in tears – sobbing tears.

When K came over this past Thursday, I was a wreck, wondering if he’d do OK without us.  I figured the prior time was a fluke, but one never knows.  He did just fine.  I texted her as we ordered (45 minutes after sitting down, which is so irritating to a nervous mother) and said we’d be home as soon as we could.  She texted back 45 minutes later saying not to rush, that he’d gone to the garage door looking for us a few times, but was nicely distracted. That’s all I had to “hear” to rush through my meal and head home.

I told the people near us that I wanted to get home to relieve the sitter, but the truth is I just wanted to get home for my boy.  B’s coworker said to text K and ask her to put Matthew to bed, but I said, “only I can put him to bed.  Even B can’t do it.”  I didn’t say it out of disrespect for B, just out of pure fact.  Putting Matthew to bed after book time (which is B’s time) is my job, and I love it.  I honestly didn’t think that K would be able to get him to settle down.

I couldn’t stand the thought of Matthew crying and wanting us.  I told B to stay and enjoy himself, and he arranged a ride home with his coworker (K’s SIL) and her husband, but walked me out to the car.  I swear, once the doors shut, we both said that we couldn’t get home soon enough.  We played all tough for the people at the table, but both of us just wanted to be with our little boy.  (Of course, when I got home, he was just fine and having a great time with K!)

Matthew is like an appendage to me.  People keep telling me that I need a break from him, that I need to take some time for myself, etc.  But what they don’t know is that he really, REALLY is an easy kid to have around.  I take him everywhere I go, and he goes happily.  He’s my permanent buddy.  We’re best friends.  We talk all day, laugh and play, and talk some more.  I take him to his activities, and he accompanies me to mine.  Being without him would be like being without my left hand – it just wouldn’t (and doesn’t) feel right.  I’m sure some people read this and think, “get a life,” but the truth is, HE is my life right now.  He is my #1 priority.  He is my JOB.  He is my son.  He is my daily buddy.

The three of us are best friends.  Neither of us wants to be without Matthew.  I’m the lucky one in this deal who gets to spend every day with him – and I’m so grateful for that.  I can’t imagine not being with him all day long.  I can’t imagine leaving him for more than an hour or so at a time.  And as much as my friends think that I NEED to have time without him, I can honestly say that I disagree.  Sure, it’s nice to run to Target on my own, on my own schedule, once in a while, but when I do that, I’m lonely because I don’t have my little chatter box with me.  The grocery store is absolutely no fun without Matthew, and I know B would agree.  That’s something the three of us like to do as an activity on the weekends, for crying out loud.

Maybe I would feel differently if I had a high-maintenance child, but when I have a mellow, go-with-the-flow kid like Matthew, it’s just easier to take him with me than to leave him behind.  I WANT to take him with me.  I WANT him in the back of the car yelling at the busses and trucks as they go by.  I WANT him in the grocery cart asking for things like oranges and tomatoes.  I WANT him hugging me from the seat in the Target cart.

It’s no secret that I control certain aspects of our parenting.  By design, I put Matthew to sleep for every nap and every bedtime.  I tell people that I’m the only one who can do it.  Because I am.

Well… at least I thought so.

I found out tonight that B can do it too.

We read a couple final books together and at the point that B usually hands Matthew off to me, he was almost sound asleep on B’s lap.  Without talking about it, I decided right then and there to let B have this.  He deserves to have this time as well.  It’s not just mine, despite what I like to think.

I kissed my boy.  I kissed B.  I told them both that I loved them, and I slipped out of the room.

I let go a little.

And I came out here to write this post.

And I cried.


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The Monday Snapshot – Not Quite Sure

We got a text from my dad on the 2nd saying that my grandpa could be dying.  He has a DNR, and it goes beyond that, really.  He also has specific orders to not treat any illnesses, even simple ones.  This causes me much stress, to be perfectly honest.  We were told he was weak and disoriented and that they’d know more in a couple of days, but that the speculation was pneumonia.  I don’t waste time when it comes to these things.  Two days are too long to wait to see if a possible “last visit” is really needed.  To me, a possible “last visit” that turns out to be u”nnecessary” is just an extra visit with my grandpa – which is a good thing!

We made plans to go home on the 4th.  The 3rd was just too hectic and Matthew still had a residual cough from the holidays, so we figured an extra day for that to settle down would be good.  My dad called the morning of the 4th to say that we’re welcome to come, of course, but that Grandpa had made a miraculous recovery.  Of course he had.  He ALWAYS does.

But some day, he won’t.

We went home anyway, and saw Grandpa two days in a row.  The first time, only I saw him for a couple of minutes to say hello.  The next morning, he was up and at ’em, watching football and eating breakfast.  We had a nice visit.  Matthew was scared of his oxygen mask, but was still smiley and happy to see him after he warmed up.  When Grandpa got in bed without his oxygen mask, Matthew wanted to be in there with him.  Of course he did  🙂

I’m not sure that any of these pictures are different from one another, but I love them all for different reasons!

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This is my contribution to The Monday Snapshot over at PAIL Bloggers.  Go and check it out!


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Life Interrupted

As we get further and further into this pregnancy, I wonder if this is the last time I’ll be pregnant.  I know I’ve talked a lot about this – about trying for a third because of our 5 frozen embryos – but as we get closer to bringing this baby home, I’m starting to wonder if we’ll want to try for a third, or if we’ll count our blessings and be done.

Before infertility, I was very active.  WE were very active.  B and I met via extreme fitness.  I’d decided, in a drunken haze on New Year’s Eve 2005 (going into 2006), that I would sign up with a friend to do a 10 week kickboxing and strength building course.  I went 6 days a week – many times I did two classes a day – for 10 weeks straight.  I ate it up.  I lost tons of weight.  I lost heaps of body fat.  I was FIT.  I was strong.  I was, for the first time in my adult life, lean.

B taught the kickboxing classes I was taking – it was something he enjoyed and it was a side-job/recreation for him outside of his normal existence as a project manager.  We never dated, or even thought of dating, while I was a student, but the night of my 10-week graduation, we got to talking and we dated ever since.  We “met” (rather – got to chatting) on a Saturday night, March 25th, and then hung out again on the 30th of that month – and then only spent 4 nights apart from that moment forward.  It was a whirlwind romance – all started because of fitness.

Truly.

B was an avid runner – I mean – a CRAZY runner and running was something I had no interest in.  Until I watched him and his buddies run the Living History Farms race the weekend before Thanksgiving in 2006.  I decided that I would maybe enjoy trying a little running.  I did it for the camaraderie of it, but I was quickly hooked.  I ran all the time – at least 4-5 times a week in all weather conditions.  I decided to start running races with “the guys” and that quickly became an obsession.  Hell, I even started a running club that was quite successful for 2 years.

It was fun!

We decided to try something new so took up mountain biking.  This was something that B was much more natural at than I was, but I still enjoyed it a great deal.  I took some serious spills (as did B) but that never got me down – I just got right back up and tried something harder.  Trying something “harder” was in me back then – working harder and pushing my body to its limits is what I did.  It’s what we did.  It’s what we did together.

We then found a new thing to do – something even harder.  We started “Adventure Racing” and we were good at it!  Well – sort of.  This was something we could do together and it was really difficult – I mean – the hardest thing either of us has done.  We did our first 8+ hour race as a co-ed team with a friend of ours – and we won!  I’d never won anything physically challenging in my life – but we won that race.  I was hooked and so was B, so we found another AR to do in my hometown area.  We came in third in that one – and that specific race was, to this day, the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  It was 108 degrees, with a heat index of 115.  People were dropping out of the race left and right due to heat exhaustion.  For some reason, B and I kept on going.  We canoed 11 miles on the open Missouri river against a 25 mph head wind, next to huge barges and cargo boats.  We trekked downtown Omaha and rural areas with nothing but a compass and UTM coordinates.  We biked, and biked, and biked God-only-knows-how-many-miles until we were finally done.  It was a 12 hour race and it took us more than that to finish – but we came in third.  We fought hard for that third place finish.  At one point, neither of us could even get ourselves to start walking from a dead-stop – it was just impossible in the heat and with little fuel in our bodies.  We each went through 9 liters of water that day, and that was not enough.  At the finish line, I collapsed and cried.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done – but the funnest day of my life up to that point (and up to the point of Matthew’s birth).

And then… as I was planning our fall schedule of Adventure Racing?

Then Infertility happened.

And my life was interrupted.

Our lives, even though B would have preferred otherwise, were interrupted.

We were diagnosed in September 2009, just a couple of weeks after placing third in the Omaha AR.  Just a few weeks after doing the hardest, and “funnest,” thing either of us had ever done, we were catapulted into a new phase of our lives that would challenge us in so many other ways.  A phase that would challenge in us in ways that, to this day, I wish we hadn’t been challenged.

B also started his “new job” at the same time we were being diagnosed, so it was just a shit-storm of changes, none of which we were really prepared for.  I tried to keep going to kickboxing, etc., but after being asked on three different occasions why we weren’t pregnant yet (after more than a year of trying on our own), and one time being told that my “eggs are screaming, you need to get B to get you pregnant,” – I quit going.  I just could not take it.  I certainly could not take watching women come and go from class who were newly pregnant, or coming to class to lose the “baby weight.”

No thank you.

I kept running but treatments got in the way of that.  You’re not supposed to exercise much if your ovaries are the size of grapefruits, and without a regular pattern of fitness, I just got out of shape.

And I was depressed.  Depression, infertility, and lack of physical activity will ruin your physical fitness in no time.  And it did.

Once pregnant, I wanted to start running again but it just seemed wrong to introduce something “new” into my life when I felt simply lucky to be pregnant.  I didn’t want to put anything at risk.  Once Matthew was here, I again wanted to start running but my big, nursing breasts made that really intimidating.  I went for a few runs this past spring but never got into a groove.

And now I’m pregnant again.

I’m not complaining, I’m just stating a fact.  Starting running now, in the dead of winter while pregnant, is the furthest thing from responsible.

But I ache for it.

I ache for it so much that I am trying to sign B up for any and all races he’ll let me sign him up for – road races, adventure races, you-name-it.  I want to live vicariously through him if I can’t do this myself.

Which gets me to the point of this post.

I am happiest when I’m healthy.  I am happiest when I’m fit.  WE are happiest, individually and as a couple, when we feel good about ourselves.  I miss my old self.  I miss my old energy levels.  I miss the fun that B and I had as a couple, all of it related in some way to fitness.  I miss my uninterrupted life.

I know that having a baby would have changed my life regardless, but had we not struggled with infertility, I would have stayed fit up until pregnancy and I would have kept running through the pregnancy.  I know this.  I know this for a fact because I was still running, biking, hiking, and AR-ing as we tried in that first year to get pregnant.  Yes, parenthood changes many things, but it does not need to change that – and it wouldn’t have for us had we not been dealt the hand of infertility.

It is what it is, and I’m grateful for the overall journey and the end result, of course, but I miss my old self.  I want to meet her again, and I want to meet her soon.

I have plans to get back into shape rather quickly after having this next baby.  I will not let my nursing breasts stand in my way again.  I will suffer through it and adjust.  It is that important to me to find myself again.  B is signing up for an AR camp this spring and hopefully an AR for the summer, and my goal is to be back on his team in the summer of 2014.  That will require lots of work on my end, but I’m ready for it.

My life will not be interrupted much longer by infertility.  Even if we do try for a third child, I know that I won’t be stimming again so I can be physically fit up until transfer day, which makes me so happy to realize!

I can’t wait to get back to my fit self, and I can’t wait to introduce physical fitness to our children (childREN!)!

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