We had a sitter on Saturday night and headed to our new local brew and view to see the latest Star Wars movie.  I am not going to lie – I was so excited to wear my outfit that I’d bought for the movie.  I mean – CRAZY EXCITED!

So I was only 1-year-old when the original Star Wars movie came out (1977), but by the time the Empire Strikes Back came out, I was 4 years old and, I cannot believe this, but my dad took me to it shortly after its release.  I remember standing in line outside the theater and then sitting in the seat, staring up at the screen, and being scared to death of Darth Vader.  By the time Return of the Jedi came out in 1983, I was a Star Wars enthusiast.  My life seemed to revolve around network television airings of the movies and we watched them on VHS over and over and over again.  All three of us girls LOVED the entire franchise.

Episode VII, the Force Awakens, is the ultimate sequel to me.  I don’t think I’ve ever anticipated a movie’s release more than this one’s.  I remember being a kid and hearing rumors about when this movie would come out.  Then, they made episodes 1-3 and I only saw Episode I because it was so, so, so bad that I didn’t want to see the other 2 prequels.  People talked about Episode VII but I didn’t read into it.  It would come out when it came out.

I waited, literally, 33 years for this.  I know the rest of the world did too, but it’s amazing how different this is for me versus my little sister who is just 3 years younger than me. She missed the hype from Star Wars and Empire, and was really only into Jedi (because of the Ewoks) – so although she’s excited to see this movie, it’s just not the same for her.  Heck, it wasn’t the same for Hottie either, who is my sister’s age.  He loved Star Wars, but he has no memories of seeing the movies in the theaters like I do.  And I think that’s it for me – my very first movie memory EVER is seeing the Empire Strikes back at the Indian Hills theater in Omaha… and that experience included standing in line outside, being scared to death, and falling asleep.  HA!

I found different leggings – the ones I REALLY wanted but for half the price on Ebay, and I returned the purple ones to Kohl’s (I mean, really, why would I need two pair of Star Wars leggings?).  I was giddy putting them on.  Matthew was so excited to see them on me: “Mommy has Star Wars pants!  There’s Star Wars on Mommy’s pants.  HA!”  They were quite popular at the theater, as was my shirt (passed as vintage although it was a reproduction), and because of them, Hottie insisted I have my photo taken with the characters outside the theater.  I thought it was ridiculous, but I’m so glad I did it.  It was super fun, and I felt like a little kid again!

I may have shed a tiny tear when the theater went dark and STAR WARS flashed up on the screen.  Sometimes, especially in times like we’ve had lately, you just need to feel young again, and lose yourself in a movie that serves as a reminder that you did have a childhood that was, at times, magical and memorable.

I’m not going to lie, the last few days have been hard.  For as grateful as I am that Jenny is no longer suffering, I still can’t get over the shock of it – the shock of knowing that she doesn’t physically exist anymore.  I remember thinking this when my cat, Lily, died a year and a half ago, but it’s so very different when it’s a person, a friend, your age (or in my case, almost 5 years younger than me) dies.

I woke up in Kansas City in the dark hotel room and thought, “where am I?”  I then remembered, “oh yeah, Jenny died.”  I’ve had the same confusion every morning, but it’s lessened each morning and is becoming something that just is in my life.  It’s weird.

The first night home, I dreamt of Jenny all night.  I woke up to use the bathroom and went right back into a dream about her.  I got up with Bryson at 5:10 the next morning and rocked him in his room, falling asleep in the chair, and I dreamt about her immediately.  They weren’t good dreams.  I was glad to finally be up on Monday morning.

People have been posting photos of Jenny on her Facebook page, reminiscing and sharing good memories.  I’ve found peace in those posts and have, for two nights, gotten totally sucked in reading them.  It’s felt like if I was reading about her, that she was still here.  The photos have been so fun to see, but they aren’t my memories of her, which has been causing me a serious problem.

When I close my eyes at night, I think of her dead in that hospice bed.  I can’t see her as she was all those years that we spent, literally, every weekend together.  All I can see is her colorless face, closed eyes, dry teeth, and still chest.  If I’m not working out or doing something very involved with the boys, I am thinking of her… in that bed.  I’ve mentioned that I’ve never seen someone so soon after dying, before being made up by the funeral home.  I don’t know why I expected her to have more color and life in her when we walked in, but I did.  I know how this works, I’ve read, “The Embalming of Mr. Jones” (required reading in my high school death and dying class – it still haunts me) – I know that the body turns cold and blue and pale very quickly, but I just didn’t think it would happen to her.

Sort of like I didn’t think the cancer would kill her.

Imagine, every moment that your mind can wander off task, thinking of your dead friend lying in a hospice bed.  It has been exhausting, and upsetting.  Hottie and I talked last night about it and it’s not just me having this problem – he’s having the same challenge.  We have years and countless memories of the “funnest” times of our lives with Jenny and her husband, but we can’t shake that image of her in that damn hospice bed.

I’ve read that when you grieve, you tend to remember the person as you last saw them – usually sick and dying or dead in a casket – for quite a while before that image starts to fade.  I have wondered so many times over the last three days when that image will fade.  When will I remember her as she was when she was alive and full of life?

After looking at everyone else’s photos of Jenny of FB, I decided today to find ours.  We back up our photos to a server and also online, so finding pictures is not easy – we don’t do a good job of organizing them.  I was looking for some in particular and never did find them, but I found a folder that brought me some hope.  I’d planned a pretty special 30th birthday party for Hottie back in 2009, which was when we started our friendship with Jenny and her husband.  I remembered that we’d invited them, despite just having met them (we knew they were special and that we’d be lifelong friends if the opportunity allowed), and I furiously scoured the photos for a picture I knew we had of her.

I found it.  And I found another one too.

In the photos, she is wearing the coat she was wearing when we met her.  In the photos, she is the Jenny we met and fell in love with almost instantly.  In the photos, she is alive.

My memory of her in that hospice bed is fading.  I replaced my lock screen photo with one of the four of us, and that’s helping me a great deal.  When I think of her, I am seeing her bright eyes and shiny blonde hair.  I’m no longer grasping onto others’ memories, hoping they’ll help me cope.  I have my own memories for that… and now I have a picture.

I’ve kept something very close to the vest the last several months, because a good friend reads my blog. My good friend with 5 types of cancer. Our good friend who has fought, and fought, and fought for her life for 4 years.

Four years.

She and her husband moved away just before she was first diagnosed, so we’ve had to be supportive from afar. We get down to see them quite a bit, but not enough. It’s never enough.

She went into remission after year 1 and was told she could get pregnant. She did, right away, and at 4 months pregnant, her one cancer had turned into three. She had to get chemo while pregnant or she would have died. She pushed the cancer back, delivered her son, and moved on.

Then, she got a fourth cancer, the kind you may or may not survive. She kept fighting, getting into various trials that gave her more time. Then, she got a fifth cancer.

We’ve known since the second round of cancers that her chances were slim, but we kept our hopes up because she always seemed to get better. We knew she wouldn’t beat it 100%, but it seemed under control.

It’s no longer under control. Her husband called me a week ago to tell me that they’d stopped all treatments. We were brave, scheduled a visit for this weekend, and committed to me caring for her for two days next week. We held our breaths, hoping she’d make it past our visits.

Her dad called me tonight during dinner. She’s dying. There is no way around it, and to hear a father say, about his daughter who just turned 35 years old last week, “she may die tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day. It’s over.” Well… What do you even say? I stayed brave, offered our love and help, and told him we’d see him this weekend. Then, I hung up the phone and cried.

I don’t think I’ll see my friend alive again. I want her family – her sisters, parents, husband and son – to have privacy and every moment with her that they can. We are going to be the runners, the ones to keep everyone fed and caffeinated during this ordeal. We may play babysitters for their young son, or we may not. And we may not do anything because they may not want anything.

But we will be there.

Something shocking happened this morning at Preschool drop-off.  It was so shocking, that I stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say.

Scene:  I am walking the boys in, helping Matthew hang up his backpack in his cubby.  Bryson is actually behaving and staying close to us.

My Favorite Preschool Mom (MFPM):  “Courtney, why is it that every morning, you come in showered, hair done, and dressed and put together for the day?  I just don’t understand it, and it’s every day!”

Me: Pause, confused look, thinking ‘is there another Courtney in the hallway?’

Me:  “Are you serious?  This is the first day in the last two weeks that I’ve showered and dried my hair before school.”

MFPM: “Well, it sure seems that it’s every day.”  Smiles and laughs.

Another Preschool Mom (APM) laughs with MFPM and agrees that I have my shit together, or so it seems.

Me:  “Do you want to know something, MFPM?  I think the same thing of you every morning at drop-off!  And then most days, you come to pick-up in different clothes, and I wonder if you showered and got ready twice in one day!”

APM:  “Funny, I’ve noticed that about you too, MFPM!”

We all laugh together and I say, “Isn’t it funny what our perceptions are of one another?”

Everyone nods and laughs, and probably thinks to themselves, “hmmm… interesting.”

This, RIGHT HERE, is an example of how we see ourselves, how others see us, and how we see each other.

Powerful stuff, and even more powerful since it was all in good fun!

Hottie and I are two peas in a pod when it comes to purging and organizing.  We both have our own quirks that drive each other crazy (he wants NOTHING on the floor in the store-room – everything must be in tubs and on shelves, and I must have all of my holiday decorations put away by the weekend after the holiday or I’ll lose my mind), but for the most part, if one of us is in the mood to purge and organize, the other one follows right behind.

We spent Saturday at Hottie’s parents’ new place picking up the metal shelves I’m selling, discussing what we can do to help, planning what we’ll pick up next, etc.  We brought their truck home with us loaded with the Hoist weight machine and the 4 metal shelving units.  They asked me to sell some old family steamer trunks from the 1800’s so I took photos and got them posted in the evening after cleaning up the shelves and dreaming of where I’d put them if we kept them all.  We planned out the exercise space and decided what to keep and what not to keep (Matthew loves the elliptical trainer, so Hottie agreed to it – yay!  We decided to keep it all and get rid of nothing).  Sunday was all about getting the house ready for the elliptical trainer to come into the house next weekend or so.

As we ate dinner, the steamer trunks sold (within 3 minutes of posting them for $100 together – they’re staying together and going to a friend of mine!) and so did some ancient picture frames from the 1800’s that were in rough shape.  We didn’t bring the trunks home with us so now that they were sold, we had to get them here.  Hottie’s parents offered to come and pick up the truck on Sunday and we agreed (we would never have allowed them to drive down to pick up the truck that they loaned to us – we would have returned it) so that they could bring the trunks.  They were thrilled with the news that they were going to a loving home.

We decided that the exercise room was not going to be the exercise room.  It just isn’t big enough for everything and neither is Hottie’s office (we’d thought about moving his office to the current guest/exercise room and making his office the exercise room).  The kids’ play area, however, was definitely wide enough for all of the equipment.  Hottie researched flooring mats and a new light while I kept selling stuff on FB (seriously, it’s amazing what you can, and can’t, sell there).  It was a productive night.  New mats and a ceiling light were on the way, and we made $105 for Hottie’s parents!

Sunday.. oh Sunday.  As we went to bed on Saturday, I told Hottie that I wanted to get the Halloween stuff put away on Sunday.  He said oh sure, yeah.  He didn’t hear me.  HA HA!  When we got up early on Sunday, we got to work and I went straight for the Halloween stuff.  He went straight for the basement.  We were not on the same page.  There were words on priorities, a bit of a bicker, and then we headed to breakfast to cool off.  We met Hottie’s parents for breakfast and they came to our house, dropped off the trunks, and insisted on helping us move the treadmill.  We got the treadmill out, some of the kids’ stuff in, and his folks took off.  My friend picked up the trunks as I wrapped up the Halloween clean-up and we were ready for a serious overhaul of the basement.

We moved so much around, oh my goodness.  We had a train table (actually a coffee table doubling as a train table) at the bottom of our stairs that moved into the guest room/den to serve its rightful role as a coffee table again.  🙂  We moved Matthew’s little desk, my grandpa’s old wooden crates, and the kids’ wood kitchen into the guest room/den.  We moved the dining table and chairs into the theater room so we can eat dinner and watch movies together in there once in a while (I’ve wanted to do this for a long time!).  We moved the real train table and the Lego table to the space behind the sectional where the table and chairs used to be.  We put the treadmill and the weight machine in their new location as we wait for the mat, new light, and elliptical trainer to arrive.  And… the gate at the top of our stairs is GONE!  That alone is birth control – I cannot take another 3-4 years with that gate at the top of my staircase!

Both nights, we had awful dinners.  We had frozen pizza (doctored up) on Saturday and BBQ takeout tonight.  But… that’s a small price to pay for getting so much done!  And… I got a slow run in tonight in the new exercise area.

We’re ready for bed!

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(The other day, I revealed my past life as a project manager of multi-million-dollar IT projects.)

I love projects, no matter what they are.  EVERYTHING MUST BE A PROJECT!

I used to volunteer for an organization in town and took their main fundraiser from barely breaking even, to bringing in $35,000 annually – and it was just a “beer in the park” event.  All of that money was donated to local charities – ALL OF IT.  I headed up a 5K fundraiser for a friend with cancer several years ago to raise money to pay their medical bills – and that is probably still my favorite project to date.  We raised $12.000 for the family, and they needed it, and it made us all feel good.  I wish all projects could benefit someone in some way like that.  It’s so much more fun when you’re raising money for someone or something rather than reporting to CIO’s and CFO’s on projects gone awry because of reduced funding, staffing, and time but ever-expanding scope.  UGH.  (This is why I don’t write about my past life – oh the frustration!)

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Hottie’s parents are moving – downsizing from a massive, beautiful property backing to a forest… to a townhouse.  Yeah, it’s bittersweet for them, and for us.  They’re doing it, “because it’s the right thing to do,” not because they really want to.  Their property is an 8-hour a day job because of my MIL’s insane gardening skills (she’s amazing!) and just the sheer size of the land.  For a moment I thought it would be fun to buy it for the land/lot, but then I remembered how much work it would be.

They are getting rid of lots of things.  That’s the whole purpose of the move.  Hottie’s grandma passed away almost 2 years ago and the work put on my MIL to get the house ready for sale was incredible.  She swore then that she would not do that to any of her kids (thank you, MIL!), and she is standing firm on that.  This means there are lots of things that they want to take to Goo.dwill or S.alva.tion Ar.my.

STOP!

You can imagine what came out of my mouth when they told me that they’re donating everything.

“I will sell it.  Show it to me.”

Holy SHIT.

Their garage was FULL of vintage stuff – like truly vintage, highly desirable stuff.  Their house is stocked with vintage things too, but they’re leaving them there for the time being for staging the house to sell.  The big gem… well the 4 big gems… vintage “tanker” steel office credenzas/shelves.  And not in grey, not in army green.  But in TEAL.

I’m no antique enthusiast, but from what I’ve seen on the FB swaps in the 10 months I’ve been active on them, is that this stuff goes FAST and not cheap.  I told my FIL that I would take care of posting these, collecting the money, and all he has to do is set them out for people to pick up at a certain time.  He agreed but said he wouldn’t take the money, but Hottie and I already know how to force that on them – I refuse to profit from their items.  I am just glad to have them in my “claim” so that they’re not given away for free to someone who would sell them for a HUGE profit.

I started researching this and refinished pieces sell for $800-$1500.  In this condition, I think I could sell them for $150-$400 a piece (that last one is a highly, highly sought after piece).  I am so excited, but of course, I need to find the buyers!  Even if I have to sell them for $100 a piece (which is 100% doable), that’s $300 for my in-laws!  Add that to the table and chair set I’ll sell of theirs for $100-$150, the retro office swivel chairs for $30-$50 a piece, etc. ad nauseam and we will have a pretty awesome gift card for them when this is all said and done.  I am so excited!

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So in the excitement of all of this, I decided that my favorite piece is NOT going up for sale… it’s going in Bryson’s big kid “things that go” room.  The room will have teal, so this will fit in great!  Hottie’s lucky I’m not abandoning the nursery furniture all together and filling it up with the cabinets above.  HA!  This is the piece we’re keeping:

When I saw it in the garage, I gasped out loud and immediately wanted to keep it.  Now I get to  🙂  I can’t get it home soon enough!

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I will spend this coming weekend measuring, taking better photos, inventorying more things, etc. and I cannot wait!  There will be a spreadsheet involved outside of my normal “Items for sale” tracking sheet I’ve been using for my own stuff (I’m about to cross $6,200 in sales since mid-January!).  I have a lot more research to do before I post anything, but all of it’s fun!  I am in no hurry since I know it will sell fast, and then my project will be done.  I am always sad to complete a fun project.

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But WAIT!  I said I have two new projects on my hands!

Part of my in-laws’ downsizing is getting rid of exercise equipment that is in terrific shape.  They asked if we want it, and we said YES.  A dream is coming true for us… we will have a COMPLETE HOME GYM!  Of course, now we need to move the sofa sleeper out of the guest room that I worked so hard to find the perfect drapes for, but … WE’RE GETTING A COMPLETE HOME GYM!  Our guests can sleep in the theater room – screw ’em.  HA!  (As Hottie pointed out, the kids will love having the sofa sleeper in there for sleepovers, and we have overnight guests so rarely, that it’s not an issue.)

We already have the treadmill (from my Grandpa – and that thing still purrs like a kitten!), but we’re getting a Life F.it.ness X3 elliptical cross trainer (retailing for $2,000 today) and a HOIST Prime 8 weight machine ($1,000 retail, it appears).  Our entire home gym will have only cost us $80 for the mats that are under the treadmill (FIL has the mats for the new stuff).  Hottie wants to put mirrors up and hooks to hold our resistance bands, etc.  I have race photos framed that I haven’t put up yet, so I’m excited to do that.  It’s going to be a bona fide workout room!  The only downside is that there will not be room for the kickboxing bag or space to do workout videos.  But… that’s OK.  (Jos, I’m still thinking on PiYo… a friend offered to sell me her DVDs…)

This is going to be a lot of work.  Moving that sofa sleeper out will be hard – getting it in there was awful and we said we’d sell it with the house.  HA HA – guess not!  Making this all fit will be tricky but it’s do-able.  Getting the mirrors up will be a chore, but fun.  Hanging the old race photos and memorabilia will truly be a mini-dream come true for me!  I just cannot believe it!

I can’t wait!

I got my IUD last Thursday, and was done taking the pill the Tuesday just before that.  I think my pills had a week of placebos, but I’m not sure.  Anyway, I did get the Mer.ena IUD on advisement of Dr. H – he knows that synthetic hormones don’t bother me and he replaces 30% of the copper ones with Mer.enas for his patients within a year because they ask for the change – so it was a no-brainer for me.  I trust him – a lot!

I’m not sure how long I’ve been off of the “pill” hormones because of that week of placebo/non-placebo pills, but there has been a major shift in my mood… and in the right direction!  I’m a little irritated right now with the IUD because of the spotting, but even that isn’t getting me down.  I am so relaxed, so patient, so “go with the flow”… I cannot believe it.  Every time the kids get me worked up, I react much more calmly than I did the entire time I was on that damned pill, and even if I holler at them, it’s over and done with in a split second and I’m over it – I do not stew or dwell on it.

I have felt more motivated to DO THINGS, like decorate the house, take the kids to fun things, eat leftovers in the house for lunch (this sounds ridiculous, but if you know me, you know that we go out for lunch EVERY day so this is a big change), finish up craft projects that have been sitting for well over 1.5 years.  It’s incredible.  I’ve even been sick as a dog (no running or exercise since last Thursday, ironically, the same day I got the IUD) and I am still getting way more done than I did before.  It’s… strange.  It’s… good!

Oh… and I think a bit of my very limited s*x drive is returning.  I even initiated things happily last night.  Ha ha!