Having one final family nap (including Lily in her usual spot) before B gets home later today. Bryson has taken TWO naps in his crib today, 40 minutes and 1.25 HOURS long. I figured he deserved a seriously peaceful snuggle with Mom, Big Brother, and his kitties. 🙂
I was chatting via text with my cousin tonight. She checked in to see how I’m doing with B out of town. She’s a great gal, a wonderful relative to have in my life!
We had a rough evening here in our house – we’re having an ice storm so we couldn’t get out. If you know anything about me, you know I MUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! So we were homebound and getting a bit bored with each other. Matthew and I made another batch of pouches together, which was super fun, and I ordered pizza. Everyone was really good, but Matthew is now obsessed with playing with the water. He’ll pull a foot stool up to the sink and turn it on, filling up cups, bowls, whatever. That’s all well and good when I’m there, but if I’m not there, he can get it too hot. He kept doing it.. over and over and over even though I said to stop. I yelled a bit.
Then he took his foot stool to the counter where I had the cuisin.art setup and started playing with the knife block. Another raised voice from me.
Then I slipped on the ice and fell hard when bringing the garbage cans in – it’s going to hurt tomorrow.
Then Matthew wouldn’t stay in bed.
GAH!
I did end the bedtime escapes very patiently and lovingly, but I was at my rope’s end.
Not to mention I tried to get Bryson to sleep in his crib, and all that got me was the two of us in tears together, with me holding him so tightly that it was hard to put him down. I am such a wimp! I couldn’t stand his crying after 20 minutes and I couldn’t get in there fast enough to spring him out of his little jail. I was heartbroken (as was he).
So my cousin and I were texting and I said something that just says it all. The best way to describe how I feel right now is this: I can feel the patience leaving my body, from my stomach and back, through my neck, my arms, and out my fingertips. I could literally feel the patience leaving my body through my fingertips.
I am so ready for B to come home. I am ready to get some sleep. I am ready for my play day on Saturday. I am ready for some help. We are all so done and bored with each other, and we need a changing of the guard.
I’m solo-parenting this week. I’m half-done. I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. It’s really not that bad, but it’s tiring.
Bryson sleeps like crap, and I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. I think he is frustrated by not being able to stretch out in his rocker, but he refuses anything else. He’ll sleep 4-6 hours. Then is up every 2 hours. Midnight, 2:00, then 4:00 last night before I put him in bed with me. Then Matthew woke up and needed me (us) at 5:33. At 5:53, all three of us got up. Holy hell! It’s a good thing I napped yesterday!
It’s really just the nights that are killing me. And this morning. I’m just so tired. B can’t get home soon enough! He left Sunday morning at 10:00 and comes home Friday at 5:30. It’s essentially 6 days and 5 nights in a row on my own. It’s hard. I have so much respect for single parents, especially those with more than 1 little one.
I enjoyed alone time with Matthew when B would travel. A week of him being gone never fazed me, because, well, one kid is easy.  Two kids… someone is always being ignored and that makes me sad. 😦 I just pile on the self-guilt when I can’t give either of them what they truly need and want from me.
I told B that Saturday is MY day. My only kid responsibility is to nurse Bryson. I’m sure I’ll choose to hang out with them all most of the day, but I want to SLEEP and I want to go somewhere, anywhere, by MYSELF while they nap.
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The above was written this morning, when I was grumpy, tired, and… pissed off.
I’m much better now.
What changed? I have no idea. Maybe it’s the realization that despite the exhaustion and pissiness, I know that things aren’t that bad and that in all honesty, I get a lot of shit done when B is out-of-town. I mean – I GET SHIT DONE! Here’s what I’ve done that would normally go by the wayside when solo-parenting:
Sunday:
Monday (Preschool Day):
Tuesday:
Wednesday (Preschool Day):
Here’s what’s on-deck for the rest of the time while B is gone:
Thursday:
Friday:
I’ve come to realize that even though things get stressful, I like to stay busy when B is out-of-town because I get lonely. You can only watch so much Bre.aking Bad before you want to just DO SOMETHING. I’ve always been this way, which is why I have a ton of super crafty scrapbooks to showcase my travels as a single person. When I’m alone, I don’t like to go to bed – I’m a night owl. So if I’m going to be a night owl, I should use it to my advantage and get shit done.
I’ve also come to realize that I am really, REALLY good at putting my kids to bed. I wasn’t sure how it would go with B out-of-town since he reads to Matthew while I nurse Bryson, but we figured it out and will actually modify bedtimes from now on because of what we’ve learned. Matthew has RUN to his room every single night with B out-of-town because of one little change I had to make (let him watch 15 minutes of CG while I nurse Bryson). He is excited to read his books now, rather than fighting us because it’s bedtime. The break between bath and books is what he needs to not feel overwhelmed. AND THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO BED EARLIER! I always tend to roll bedtime back while B is out-of-town, but then it slides a little here, a little there once he’s home. I’m not saying it’s all his fault. But what I’m saying is that it’s all his fault. 😉 He just isn’t tough enough with Matthew, and I am. Bedtime, from this day forward, is now 8:00. Lights out at 8:00. No toddler needs to be up past 8:00!
So yeah, I’ve been stressed, but I’ve also done a lot of good stuff. I’ve loaded up our freezer with healthy snacks for Matthew (and some essentials for Bryson that he’ll need in just a month – WOW!), I’ve got all the laundry caught up (this is very important to me before B comes home), everyone is sleeping on clean sheets, we’re still getting out of the house at least once (if not twice) a day, I’ve gotten everyone (including the cat) to all activities on time, and bedtime has been moved back to a reasonable time. Good things happen under pressure, I think!
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Whew! It feels good to get all of that off my chest! Now, it’s time for some Breakin.g Ba.d!
I’ll leave you with photos of my boys with Santa! It went really well – my plan worked and although Matthew did not smile, he did go sit with Santa willingly and gave us some cute things to capture!
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If you were reading my blog a year and a half ago, you may remember that I was WAY into planning Matthew’s first birthday party. No detail was missed. It was a lot of work! I did a couple of projects knowing I’d repurpose them in his nursery, namely the mobile that hung above the party table and the animal bouquet centerpieces (that not even one person noticed!).
Surprise surprise, I never got around to doing those repurposing projects! All I had to do with the mobile was hang the darn thing, but that involved getting a hook for the ceiling, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line – I was lazy and exhausted after 6 months of planning and working on that party. And I was sick of it!
Bryson is in the nursery now and I really wanted to make the room his own, and not just a hand-me-down from Matthew. I hung the mobile last week, and I just finished the garland I made with the animals from his centerpieces and the pom pom cupcake toppers.
That silly little garland was more work than I thought it could ever be. I’m not sure it will last for the long run, but for now, I’m loving it! However, make no mistake, this is a one-and-done project. I will NEVER make another one!
Now if I could just get Bryson’s newborn photos hung above the crib. Sigh. The last frame arrives Wednesday so they should be up soon!
Bryson isn’t a small baby. In fact, he was 18.5 pounds just Thursday at the doctor (another ear infection). Because he’s so “sturdy,” I had no hesitation putting him in this stroller before the suggested age of 6 months. For the first time in a long time, my baby looked sooooo little! I love little reminders like this that he’s still just a little wee baby. 🙂
For those of you interested in keeping tabs on my ability to stick to my fitness plan (you know who you are), you can find it here each week, along with not-so-hot photos of my just-showered, post-run, no makeup self in my weekly photo uniform! I am doing this not for any of my readers, obviously, but for me. I need to get in shape. I need to get back to my pre-baby fitness level. I NEED to do an adventure race next summer with my husband before we start trying for baby #3.
I cannot believe I’m writing/saying this, but a year from now, I’ll likely start lupron shots for our first frozen cycle (FET) for Baby #3. How can that even be just a year away when I have a happy 3 month old sleeping in his room down the hall (in his crib even – for over two hours – HU-freaking-ZZAH!)? I have a hard time believing it, but it’s true. We’ll start a month later than we did for Bryson because I will not have another transfer on/around October 12 – I will not have another June 24/25-ish birthday if we can help it!
When I finally got pregnant with Matthew (and I cannot believe I’m putting this on the internet), I weighed 192.6 pounds. Holy hell! That was the result of a 20 pound gain from serious fertility drugs and 3 IVF cycles (2 fresh cycles with a FET in between – and I won’t count the IUI cycles because they were just clomid and I don’t know if that causes you to gain weight). I weighed 167.6 when I got pregnant with Bryson – much better but still not something to be proud of. My goal for when we get pregnant with #3 (if we’re so lucky, fingers crossed) is to be hovering around 150. The lightest I ever was, at the peak of my fitness with a very lean BMI for me, was 144.6, and that was super hard to maintain. Maintaining 150 pounds is not hard if I keep taking care of me.
And that’s what this is all about, right? Taking care of me. Doing what I love. Doing what makes me feel good (without breaking the law – HA!). Doing the things that teach our boys how to live healthy lives.
It’s amazing how quickly things fall into place when you make an effort to be fit. I don’t have the urge to eat like an idiot because it will un-do what I’ve worked hard to do. I’m not totally changing everything, but am making small changes here and there. For instance, I went to We.ndy’s for lunch yesterday and instead of getting a single with cheese meal, I got their grilled chicken sandwich meal (I love their chicken sandwich). This morning, instead of going to Star.bucks for my venti cinnamon dolce late and the sausage breakfast sandwich, I went to Mc.d.onalds and got the egg white delight meal (yes, with the hashbrown) because it’s 400 calories versus 900. I have thought about my choices two days in a row, and even though they’re still not the most stellar of choices, they’re much better than they would be if I wasn’t using the treadmill each day. In time, I’m sure I’ll skip the fries/hashbrown all together because really, what’s the point? But please don’t ever expect to read that I’ve given up my Diet C.oke (out of the fountain only) or Diet Pe.psi. Or DQ. That is asking all together too much!
I will update my fitness page (also on the main menu of my blog) every week! I track fitness in 10 week intervals, and this one ends 12/9. My target weight for that date is 159.6, and that’s being conservative when you look back on my other 10-week efforts. I’m trying to not go crazy here! We do have a big family trip to Colorado Springs over Christmas and that gives me another 2 weeks to shed another 3.8 pounds getting me down to a hopeful 155.8 pounds. That would be awesome, and is totally do-able!
So there it is – all out there. I’ll try not to post about this because it is super boring to everyone but me. But if you’re interested, go ahead and check in on my page and harass me. 😉
More on this later! Let’s just say this little old treadmill was a bit rusty after no use for THREE years! She took care of me though…. Helped me quickly get back into it!
Starting a blog was something I wanted to do for a long time while going through infertility, but I didn’t have the time or the guts to do it. I did start a blog while I was pregnant with Matthew, but I never posted even one post, which made it very obvious to me that I just wasn’t ready yet.
After Matthew was born, I struggled almost more with IF than I did while we were pregnant, and I’ll never know why. I think I felt terribly guilty, and I think I was surprised that I didn’t feel instantly better about our IF since we had a baby. I think that maybe I expected the sadness to just go away the minute I saw my son – but it didn’t. Even two years after he was born, a diminished version of that sadness remains.
I always wondered what I would blog about if I did start a blog, and I quickly knew I wouldn’t be a typical “mommy blogger” (I do not like it when adults use the word, “mommy,” but I use it here because that’s what those bloggers call themselves). I couldn’t see parenting the same way those types of bloggers did, because the IF cloud still hung over me almost every day in some way or another – so I just didn’t blog. But when Elphaba started PAIL – I jumped on it immediately – and I’ve been blogging ever since.
The only thing I wanted to achieve by blogging was the capturing of my emotions, thoughts, and images in one place for myself and for my family. That is still my goal every time I blog. I hope that some day, this blog will help my boys understand a little bit more about me – the me that they may not necessarily see as I’m running them to school and back, or tucking them in at night. I want them to know how it felt to be their mother. I want them to know that even once they were here, I wasn’t instantly healed of my sadness. I want them to see that emotions are real, in every form, and that they’re OK. I also want them to see just what I went through to teach them to sleep, or nap, or eat. HA!
I have gained so much from blogging – it’s really been a great thing for me. B used to read my blog all the time, and said it gave him a new perspective on who I am and what goes through my head. He doesn’t read my blog often anymore, but when he does, he seems a bit more patient with me. 😉 I don’t think he had any idea how hard the IF was on me even after bringing home a happy, healthy, handsome baby. I have gained peace in our infertility, and I honestly don’t think I would be where I am today without my blog. I really needed a place to process my thoughts and feelings. When I say that I’m at peace with our IF, it’s not that I’m over it or forgetting it, but that I’ve accepted it for its role in my life and in my parenting. I know it’s always going to be there. I know that even when I KNOW my family is complete, that I’ll worry about how it affects our boys’ families. I’ll worry about how and when to tell their future wives about our fertility struggles. I’ll worry about how we’ll pay for their fertility treatments if they inherit MFI. These are things that aren’t going to go away, and I have a feeling I’ll blog about them in the future.
I expected to blog my feelings and then work through them on my own. I did not expect to find a network of women who would work through them with me. That has been the greatest value in blogging that I’ve realized. I knew I wasn’t alone, but it’s been so nice to be told that I’m not alone. AND – I have made some great friends through blogging. When I first started blogging, I posted about my IRL friends being my community. Many of my URL friends have become my IRL friends whom I consider as some of my closest relationships. Back when I posted about my IRL friends, I never thought that the commenters on my blog would be folded into my community. I had no idea. But today, I rush Matthew to his nap so that I can get on Skype or FB to see who’s there, and to plan the next times we’ll see each other in person.
It’s awesome!
And it’s been life-changing.
Thank you all for being there, and for listening. Thank you for your friendship. What started out as a way to process my feelings and document them for my family turned into a way to connect with other women who had walked a similar path. Connections are good, and as I’ve realized, they’re REAL!
When Matthew goes to preschool, it gives me a chance to do the things I can’t do with two children in tow. The reality of my life is that I do most things I would normally do, and with two children in tow. My kids may not have the best time doing those things with me, and I may be frazzled while doing them (runs to Ta.rget, grocery shopping, walking at the mall, lunches out with friends, etc.), but they tolerate my errands and need to get out of the house each.and.every.day. Sure there are sometimes complete meltdowns from Matthew in the middle of the grocery store, and sometimes I need to pull over in to a parking lot to nurse Bryson, but those moments are few and far between and never deter me from doing that activity again with them.
But there is one thing – one thing – I can’t do with my two kids in tow – and that’s sit at the coffee shop with a friend or two. It’s not relaxing to sit in the coffee shop with a toddler fussing to be anywhere but there. B and I pride ourselves on not being scared to take our kids out for long breakfasts, lunches, and dinners (we really like to eat out – which is a problem), but the thought of sitting in a coffee shop with a mobile, active toddler?
That thought terrifies me.
So Matthew went to preschool twice this week, which means I went to Sta.rbucks twice this week with other mothers. It was glorious – both times! Today’s trip out for coffee was especially peaceful for me because of Monday’s coffee outing.
Let me explain.
On Monday, I went out for coffee with my great friend (and neighbor) E. EÂ and I are like soul mates in a way. We both went through IVFÂ to get our kids (but met long after our older kids were born), live in the same neighborhood, have husbands who work their butts of so we can stay home and focus on the kids, love our siblings unconditionally, parent our own kids the same way, and allow each other to parent each other’s kids. E watches my kids so I can get a massage, or go to the doctor, or just run errands – and I do the same for her. We would not function as well as we do if we didn’t have each other. We see each other at least 3-4 days a week, and sometimes twice a day, and our kids are truly best friends. We get each other coffee and D.Q, and sometimes lunch or dinner, many times a week and never keep track of who owes whom. Suffice it to say – we know each other pretty darned well.
I tell E everything. She knows about my strained relationship with my mom (can we even call it a relationship?), my guilt about sometimes spending too much money, my obsession with clothes for my boys, how often I go to Mc.Don.alds (she gets the text confessions each time), and probably each and every fight I have with B. E is the person I text when an argument isn’t going where I was hoping and I just want to scream. We keep each other balanced and sane.
On Monday, we were having coffee and I don’t even know why this came up, but she very pragmatically asked me, “are you still in love with B?” I didn’t even think about my response – I just said it. I blurted it out:
“Most of the time, yes. Sure there are those moments when I really don’t like him, but they don’t happen often and 95% of the time, I’d say I’m definitely still in love with him. He may not still be in love with me though.”
I went on to say that if you just looked at our text, email, and sk.ype conversations, you would think that we were madly in love every moment of every day. We “talk” very kindly to each other via technical devices. Our text messages usually consist of, “how’s your day? I miss you,” or “how’s my family? Are the boys being good to you,” or “looking forward to you coming home!” Very rarely do we ask each other to do things via text messages, and if we do, those requests always include a “please” and “thank you” and some sort of emoticon. 😉 I like to hop on Sk.ype in the middle of the day to see if B is online, and even if he’s got his status set to “do not disturb,” he’ll ping me just to say hi. We usually talk about our days and discuss what’s for dinner, and that we’re looking forward to seeing each other. It would be sort of nauseating to others, I think, if they could see our chats.
So sharing this with E, I said, “we really should try to talk to each other in person the way we communicate via text and Sk.ype, but by the time he comes home, we’re both just exhausted.” Just saying that, I knew it sounded like the pathetic excuse that it is. If we can be so kind to each other via written words, can’t we be so kind to each other in person? It’s not like we’re mean to each other at all, but we don’t necessarily treat each other as kindly as we should. I went on to say that probably most days, I think to myself (especially after one of these nice text or sk.ype exchanges) that, “I’m going to jump his bones tonight.” But then by the time ‘tonight’ comes, and both boys are soundly asleep, either B or I (and often times both of us) are just so tired and want to go to bed, that I don’t even think about jumping his bones.
Right after sharing all of this with E, I said, “these are the things that Dr. Dan would tell me need to be shared with B.” Dr. Dan (my therapist) says that if something is worth telling someone else about your relationship with your partner, that it’s probably worth sharing with your partner. I agree with this line of thinking 100% – so I told myself then and there that I would relay all of this to B.
B came home the next night around 5:30 from his overnight trip. No – I did not jump his bones 😉 But we got the boys loaded up and headed to dinner (which was decided via a very nice text conversation about 15 minutes earlier). Once at the restaurant, I told B I wanted to talk to him about something. He looked scared. HA!
I told him everything – EVERYTHING – that I mentioned above here in this post. I even mentioned wanting to jump his bones most days but then forgetting about that by the time the day was over. I said that I’d like to talk to each other in person the way we talk to each other via text and Sky.pe. I told him that I am sure I’m still in love with him, even if 5% of the time I don’t like him so much. I told him that the conversation I had with E should have been a conversation I was having with him.
He lit up with a spark in his eyes I haven’t seen in a long time, and said he agreed 100%. I said that, “you may not still be in love with me, and that’s OK, but I know I’m still in love with you.” He said that there’s no doubt in his mind that he’s still in love with me, but that yes – it’s hard to express it with two kids taking up all of our time. He looked so happy.
We left the restaurant, headed to D.Q for dessert, and spoke kindly to one another. We got home, played with the kids, and while Matthew was taking a bath, had a little misunderstanding. We worked through that misunderstanding quickly and with a smile at the end of the conversation. I put Matthew to bed (and fell asleep with him for probably 30 minutes, but B didn’t wake me because he knew I’d be up later in the night with Bryson) while he snuggled with Bryson. By the time I came back to the bedroom, we were both exhausted. We got ready for bed and spoke kindly to each other about the upcoming day, and then we went to bed.
But 10 minutes later, B decided to jump my bones, which made me smile 🙂 There was a connection there that has been missing for a long time. I think B hasn’t known for a long time that he is wanted by me. I never say it, and because I’m always so tired by the end of the day, I haven’t been showing it either. But earlier in the night, I did tell him that I want him, and I told him why I don’t show it. I told him what I should have told him a long time ago. I then showed him that what I said was true.
I didn’t want the night to end.
So today, when I went out for coffee with my friend, S, I went with a light heart. I went with nothing hanging over me in regards to my relationship with B. I went knowing that he and I understand each other, that we know each other, and that we’re still in love with each other. And knowing all of that made my coffee date that much better – that much more relaxing – that much more fun.
(B just skyp.ed me with a pleasant, “Hi!” So – I need to go now and chat nicely with my husband 🙂 )
All the Sun For You 