All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: Bryson


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Today is Different

Today was a normal day.  I woke up before Matthew, which is always nice, thought about Wilson, and smiled because he was up too.

I didn’t worry about him.  I just layed there and enjoyed feeling him say hello.

I’ve felt much better about things in the last 24 hours.  I let a day, full of potential, get away from me yesterday due to worry and concern.  I know that worrying is normal, but I have a toddler to interact with all day and he deserves a mother who is focused on him.    He deserves these final months of being my sole focus, because things are going to change at the end of June.  I hate the idea of ruining even a single day with him due to worry.

We spent the morning having fun, watching CG, snuggling in bed with milk and bananas, and showering.  I didn’t shower yesterday (I wonder why) and we both missed that – playing in the shower with the bubbles and bottles of soap is one of Matthew’s favorite things to do.  He LOVES standing under the water and letting it beat down on his head.  I’m so glad we made time for that today!  We took our sweet time and we both enjoyed the relaxation!

Vera, Matthew’s girlfriend, came up for a play date.  They had a ball.  I swear, that girl could beat him to a pulp and he’d laugh through the whole ordeal!  She is the sweetest thing to him too – kisses and hugs him like crazy.  It’s too cute!  I’m so glad we had her up – having her here made things feel normal again too!

Yesterday was just too much.  We stayed busy, but there was such negativity hanging over me.  I wasted time, I sat around doing almost nothing after Matthew went to bed – and stayed up too late doing nothing.  I didn’t even watch TV.  I didn’t clean up the house.  I didn’t put toys away (something we insist on nightly).  I didn’t do the dishes from earlier in the day.  I didn’t fold the laundry or wash more.  I didn’t enjoy myself.  And that’s sad to me.  I need to try to enjoy myself when I have these random nights when B is away.  Everyone needs “me time,” and I totally wasted it.

Today is different.  We got up, we enjoyed the morning, we hosted a play date, we went to lunch, Matthew took a STELLAR nap (almost 3 hours!), I did laundry, I skyped with one of my besties, I picked up the house, I framed Matthew’s first b-day photo (so cute!), I washed all of Matthew’s dishes (even the ones from lunch), and I did not worry about Wilson.

Wilson is going to be OK.  I have no doubts.  I need to let him rest and enjoy a peaceful mother, because things may not be this peaceful when he’s on the outside!


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Tomorrow is Another Day

When I was growing up from a very young age, my parents had some best friends who were like a second set of parents to us.  Their kids were our age and we grew up with them.  I think we spent almost every weekend with them, and in the summers, our two families were practically inseparable.  If we weren’t with the B’s, we were counting down the days until we were.  Mr. B was, and still is, an awesome guy.  I love him to pieces.  He’s the type of guy who makes everyone in the room feel like he’s known them forever – even if he just met them 5 minutes earlier.  As I write that, I realize that my B is like Mr. B in that way.  Interesting.  Anyway,  I clearly remember late one evening (when I was in my teens) after a long day for my dad, Mr. B was over and said, “L, tomorrow is another day.”  My dad, of course, mocked him and pointed out that Mr. B was just stating the obvious.  But I liked what he said.  Sure, it was obvious, but it was something that we all need to remember when things suck.  I held onto that thought for the rest of my life, and recounted it over and over again when things got hard.  (As an adult, I looked up the origin of that saying and it’s the last line of “Gone with the Wind.”  Of course my father didn’t know that because he mocks good literature.)

Today was another day.

I woke up around 3:30 needing to use the restroom.  My first thought when I woke up was that I really wanted a DQ Blizzard (that’s been on my mind since starting Whole30!).  The immediate next thought was, “ah.. ultrasound.  Wilson, are you there?”  He was  🙂  I couldn’t sleep then for another hour or so, and just tossed and turned, and thought and thought.  I should have said yesterday that I’m not worried that Wilson will die.  I’m worried what his first days and/or weeks could be like if this “thing” ends up being something that needs to be addressed.  I worry about being able to hold him, and nurse him, and just do the things that you do with a newborn baby.  I know we’re not there yet in terms of needing to plan those things out, but I can’t get them out of my head.  Especially at 3:30 in the morning.

Matthew has been a GREAT sleeper these last two weeks and let me sleep until 7:15.  I am so grateful!  We got up and had a fun morning.  We went to see my cousin (our guardian for our kids if something bad would happen to us), her two girls, and her niece (who is 5 days older than Matthew).  It was a great time and Matthew had a ball!  This gathering was pre-planned earlier this week, but it REALLY worked out in my favor given what’s going on (or not going on) with Wilson.

My cousin is a non-practicing doctor.  She’s a smart gal.  And she’s married to a radiologist.  I wasn’t even fully in the house before I was talking about yesterday, the ultrasound, and Wilson.  She listened and then said that I shouldn’t freak out, but that she knows it’s scary.  She asked what they know so far and I basically said, “nothing.”  She asked if they speculated and I told her that they really didn’t but that the word, “cyst,” came up a few times.  She asked if it was fluid-filled, air-filled, and if it had any solid debris in it.  What Dr. H had told me was that it was fluid or air-filled, and that there was no visible debris at all (which is good).  All of this made my cousin relax a bit.  That, then, helped me relax.  She asked if a radiologist had read the scans and I said I didn’t think so, but was wondering if her husband could.  He can, but she says it’s better for him to be in the room, reading it as it’s happening.  She asked where I was going for the next scan and she was happy with the doctor I’ll be seeing.  She said that after that scan, that her husband could read the scans if I wanted.  And that if I want him to do a scan, to just ask.

So that was great.  I feel better.  I knew she would make me feel better.  She always makes me feel better.

We met B for a quick Valentine’s Day lunch between his meetings.  Matthew had a complete and total meltdown at the table, resulting in me saying, “box it up, we’re leaving.”  He is having a hard time making it to his normal nap time (12:45) these days.  He gets so tired.  He is sleeping better in the morning, but needing an earlier nap.  Go figure!  Anyway, it was nice to see B for lunch because he’s out-of-town again tonight, but back tomorrow.  Being perfectly honest,Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday to me, so him being out-of-town is really not a big deal.  I just don’t like this holiday, but in the past, I’ve insisted that we at least exchange cards.  I was supposed to get B’s card yesterday.  That didn’t happen for obvious reasons.  He didn’t have a card for me either.  Win-win for everyone!  BUT – the nicest flowers were delivered today and that was really sweet of B!  It made my day better!  (And if you’re wondering, I do have something super special ordered for B for Valentine’s Day, but it’s not ready yet.)

Our day went on as normal.  Sure, I’m a little down, but Matthew keeps me on my toes and HAPPY.  Man alive, he keeps me happy!

I had a text exchange with my cousin late tonight.  She told her husband about Wilson’s “thing” and he has never heard or seen anything like what I’m describing.  So that makes me a bit nervous, but on the flip-side, it makes me a bit upbeat because if it was something awful, surely it’s been seen before.  Right?  I’m choosing to believe that this is a good thing.

And tomorrow is another day, yet again.


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And So it Goes

I had Wilson’s anatomy scan today (“Wilson” is the name we’re trying out for BB2).  B was out-of-town at an unavoidable meeting.  Dr. H tried so hard to move the scan so he could be there, but we were pushing up against the end of the anatomy scan window, so I had to go alone.

After our elective gender scan 3.5 weeks ago, I had no concerns.  I skipped right on in when I was called back.  I can feel Wilson moving a lot now, so I don’t worry about finding a heartbeat anymore during ultrasounds, which is nice.

Not the scan to go alone to.

During the scan, the tech spent a LOT of time on Wilson’s stomach.  You know how you just know when something seems off?  That’s how I felt.  She kept measuring this black circle, over and over and over again.  I knew not to ask her what she was doing.  She seemed rather serious.  Red flag #1.  I also noticed that when she measured most things, she’d label them on the screen.  She was not labeling the black “thing.”  Red flag #2.  And finally, at the end after not a single attempt at a 3D scan, I asked, “no 3D picture today?”  She seemed startled and said that she could try again and quickly said, “the placenta is too close to his face, so I can’t get it.”  Red flag #3.

I went out to the waiting room and waited for Dr. H’s nurse to call me back.  She was her normal cheery self, so I forgot all about the red flags.  That’s how I work – just distract me, please!  We chatted about her impending move out-of-state and her fiancée’s residency.  We discussed my second trimester screening results (all good!) and my blood pressure.  Etc. etc. etc.  She left to get Dr. H.

Dr. H popped his head in and said that they were working on scheduling my c-section and that he’d be right back.  OK!  He came in saying “June 25th at 7:00 – with Dr. O.  You’ll need to be there EARLY.  Does that work?” with the grin that defines this man!  YES – that works!  He then said, “now, I don’t want you to freak out.”

Ugh.

He then went on to say that there was an anomaly on Wilson’s stomach.  I told him I knew that from how the scan went.  He was a bit surprised, but then not so surprised.  He showed me that pesky little black circle that the tech kept measuring over and over again.  What is it?  Well, they don’t know.  They have no idea.  It could be nothing, it could be something.  I was immediately booked with a perinatologist (MHM) for next Friday (9 long days from now).  That’s the soonest they can get me in due to their overwhelming practice.

I kept it together rather well.  I teared up here and there, but never cried.  Dr. H said that it’s not something to freak out about, but that he would be worried if it was his kid.  That’s why I love this man – he is so down-to-earth and REAL.  As we talked it through, I started getting concerned.  “So, if it is something, we’ll just fix it after he’s born, right?”  Well, not necessarily.  That made me almost cry.  He said again that we have no idea what it is, but that some things aren’t fixable.  But he hopes this is nothing and if it’s something, that we can fix it.  He also said that by the time I see the peri next week, it could be gone.  That would be nice.  I then made the mistake of asking how big it is.

“Tiny.”

“How tiny?”

“About 0.8cm.”

“How big is his stomach right now?”

“A little over double that.”

Almost tears again.  This “thing” is almost half the size of Wilson’s stomach.  That concerns me.  A lot.

Dr. H knows how my mind works and mentioned that they rarely see cancer in newborns.  What what what?  My mind hadn’t even gone there (yet).  I’m sure it would have, while home alone, so it was good of Dr. H to say that he didn’t think that was a concern.  So I asked what it looks like.  A cyst-type thing, but they really have no idea.

Dr. H and I talked about the fact that everything else checked out just fine, and that the “catastrophic” things they look for aren’t there.  He stressed again that this thing could be gone by next week.  We then talked about the appointment in a week.  Dr. H said that Dr. W sees the “worst of the worst” and the folks in his practice have built up some pretty tough exteriors.  To that, I said, “so I won’t expect them to be all nice like you guys here.”  Precisely.  He said that Dr. W will meet with us right after the scan with a diagnosis and/or next steps.

I started to tear up again.

He told me that B must be at that scan with me (of course he will be).  I started to get scared about the whole thing and asked him when he’ll be updated.  He said if it’s bad, that Dr. W will text him right away.  If it’s fine, he’ll be updated within a few hours.  I asked when my next appointment with Dr. H is and he said not until March 13th.  I was crying at this point, choking back tears.  Dr. H looked at me and said, “Courtney, if you walk out of there confused, or scared, or concerned, or anything, you just call me.  Call me from the parking lot.  You call me if you just want me to tell you it’s fine.  Just call me.”

I got myself together so that I wouldn’t be the woman walking out of the OB who scares the hell out of everyone in the waiting room.  I wasn’t even out the door of the building before texting B.  “You need to step out right now.”  He called me not even one minute later.  I fell apart.  I sobbed in the parking lot, I sobbed in the car.  B sounded stunned and worried.  I can’t imagine being him, making that call, and the first thing he hears is, “there may be a problem.”  We talked it through and he sounded more and more concerned, and was very upset that I was so upset and alone.

I went to pick Matthew up at the neighbors’ and I could not get there soon enough.  I drove as fast as I could to get to him.  I just needed to be with him.  Bless his little heart, he came running to me and gave me a huge hug.  I cried on his little shoulder.

I told my neighbor about it and she comforted me.  And then I collected my boy and drove home.  Thank god for him.  He kept me distracted until lunch with a good friend, and she took over from there.  After lunch, I brought Matthew home and it took everything in me to put him down for a nap.  I just wanted to keep holding him.  I wanted to keep rocking him.  I wanted to keep smelling his hair and feeling his breath on my cheek as he dozed off.

I don’t think I wanted to be alone.

I got a lot more hugs from Matthew throughout the day as I easily resisted bing-ing (because we don’t go.ogle anything in this house) what we saw on the scan.  I won’t research this.  There’s no need – it will only scare and upset me.  I called my little sister to tell her, since I talk to her almost every day and not telling her would be lying.  I advised her that I am not telling my parents because I can’t take their unwanted advice, drama, and research on the situation.  Until there’s something to know, there’s nothing to tell.  And right now, there’s nothing to know.

B came home early from his trip and asked if we could try to go to the university hospital sooner for the scan.  I told him that I like the timing – that a week gives it time to grow, or shrink, or – hopefully – disappear.  If we could get the scan this week, they’d just tell us to come back in a week or so anyway.  I’m good with the timing and he seems to be too.

My mind has already gone in certain directions.  I told B that I want Wilson formally named before the scan on Friday.  I want him to be a “whole person” before we get the verdict.  He agrees, but rubbed my shoulder and said, “he already is a whole person.”  That was the perfect thing to say at that very moment.  I needed to hear that.

We’ve also decided that his birth, no matter how this thing turns out, will be our event only.  There will be no one waiting in the waiting room as we deliver, as both sets of our parents did last time.  We will need to discuss birth plans with our doctors and sort out when we can nurse him, if and when he’ll go for a scan to check the “thing,” and if and how they’ll treat the “thing” if it’s still there when he’s born.  Even if this thing disappears before he’s born, I still want an ultrasound almost immediately after he’s born just to be sure we’re in the clear.  The only people who will be meeting Wilson right away are his mom, dad, and big brother.

So – there it is.  My 20 week scan was far from perfect.  It started well with a cooperative baby and quickly became a bit concerning.  It went from being a bit concerning to being altogether terrifying.

We won’t know anything for over a week.

And so it goes…


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Because it’s Too Wordy for a Wednesday!

I can’t be wordless about this.

We had our big reveal ultrasound tonight, and had the tech seal the picture in an envelope.  We then went to dinner with a few friends (one was having a birthday) and had one of them open the envelope for us.  When he paused, then smiled, and then said what the baby is, B shouted, “ARE YOU SERIOUS???”

Both hands in the air, huge smile on his face, genuine excitement!

We are thrilled, THRILLED, to share that we are having another boy!  Matthew is getting a little brother!  This is what we wanted.  This is what we saw ourselves with.  This is my dream (so far – because there is talk here and there about a third baby).

I have two boys!  My boys each have a brother!  I get to say, “my boys.”

OUR boys!

We are both so damned excited!

Little Brother smiling for Matthew, who was there to hear that heartbeat!

Little Brother smiling for Matthew, who was there to hear that heartbeat!

 

If you’re interested in more ultrasound photos (I don’t expect that you are!), you can find them on my pregnancy page.


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Shoot!

I had my 12w scan today for NT testing. It did not go well for the reasons that the technician wanted. The baby did not cooperate for the neck measurement after 30 minutes of trying everything, including a trans-vaginal scan. It did go well for my own reasons – well half of my own reasons, anyway!

First, we still have a heartbeat. I always worry about that. HA! Second – because of the trans-vag scan, we got GREAT 3D photos of this baby! We got a 3D photo of Matthew at this stage and although a super cute photo (he looks like a little boxing avatar in it!), it’s not nearly as clear as today’s photo. You can check it out on my pregnancy page, if you so desire.  We did go in asking if we could check out the gender of the baby and she said that if she could get the angle, that she’d go for it.  Well, she didn’t get the angle.

Shoot.

But – because she also couldn’t get the NT measurement, we have another scan on Wednesday.  We shall see if baby cooperates this time.  It really needs to because we’re at the end of the window for NT testing.  I strongly believe in first and second trimester screenings for ME.

If we can’t get a hint 0f the gender on Wednesday, we’ll likely do an elective gender scan in a few weeks.  I just need to know what this baby is (and so does B – he’s been anxious).  I’ve been dreaming that it’s a “lady baby,” as SRB likes to say.  Names are in the works for both, but knowing will make those discussions MUCH easier in this house.

The receptionist greeted me by name today – that was nice but so strange.  They have hundreds of patients (15 docs in the practice) and I was just shocked to hear, “hi, Courtney!” from the receptionist.  She has always been my fave, but I didn’t know she knew me by name.

I didn’t get to see Dr. H or Nurse A today, but I see them in two weeks.  Everyone at this clinic is so nice that it actually makes trips there FUN.

The gal on the way out gave me the “new mom kit” with formula (which is fine by me, because you NEVER know!) but the big thing is that it had one of those fancy nursing bottles in it!  Score!  I noticed a bunch of the bottles on the counter and asked if those were the ones we’ve been waiting for in the US (they weren’t – I forgot that those were Medela and these were Lansinoh) and the gal said she didn’t know, but to take one.  And then she said, “take one of these kits too – there’s a bottle in there too so now you have two!”  And with that, Baby #2 now has his/her first item acquired especially for him/her  🙂

I love this clinic!

Maybe on Wednesday I’ll have some exciting news to share… and yes… if we know, we will share!


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Another List!

Life has been great lately – I feel like things are really going smoothly for me.  My reasons for feeling this way are extremely ridiculous – but I can’t help but feel energized by them:

  1. After months, and MONTHS, of trying to find replacement hair products for my secret weapon product that the manufacturer discontinued (without asking my permission) – I have found them!  I have spent a fortune on multiple products that are sworn to do the same thing as my discontinued product, but none of them do.  All they do is dry out my very fine, flat hair.  I went to Ave.da yesterday to pick up some moisturizer and asked the gal if she had ideas for me (I asked a different gal a month or so ago and she told me I was out of luck).  This gal sold me two things (ugh) and told me precisely what to do with them.  I followed her instructions today and my hair has never looked better – and with half the work I was doing before (no more flat iron!).  HUGE win!
  2. I got new slippers.  I have had the same pair of Ac.orn slippers for a couple of years and although they’re still comfy, they were missing that “walking on clouds” feeling that comes with a new pair of faux fur-lined Ac.orn slipers.  I was at the mall yesterday, on my way out through my favorite outdoor gear store, and thought, “oh – my slippers!”  They had my size, they were on sale – and they were mine!  They’re the wrong color (black = yuck) but I do.not.care.  My feet are warm and comfy (I’m wearing them in bed right now – even though they have soles on them.  HA!).
  3. Maternity clothes.  No – not because of the fit and comfort (but yeah, that too), but because I get to wear my wonderful be.maternity stretchy shirts (from Targ.et) under everything, which means in these winter months, I am sealed up from head to toe now and I’m not cold everywhere I go.  So happy!
  4. Maternity jeans at Ga.p Maternity were $35 a pair at their retail locations.  I needed new ones and stocked up.  I’m so happy!  I couldn’t have gotten them cheaper at cheap maternity stores.  To put the cherry on my sundae, they are the same size as the jeans I bought at Ga.p this past summer when I was smaller than I am now (pre-IVF meds) – so that was nice!
  5. Matthew is sleeping longer these days.  YAY!  We planned our work and worked our plan and we have success!  He slept 11 hours last night and 10.5 the night before.  He is waking up  happy versus crying.  I am sleeping more too which is nice!
  6. We are going to bed WAY earlier than normal.  At 10:00 tonight, I asked B, “ready for bed?”  A week ago, I would not have asked that so early but we’ve been going to bed before 11 each night for a week now and I’m just a lot happier.  Yes, I can function on very little sleep, but more sleep is always better!
  7. My diabetic cat is in a diabetic remission.  Don’t tell the others, but she’s my fave and when she’s sick, I get very sad.  Her behavior was off for a couple of weeks so I decided to get out the glucometer and test her.  Turns out we were giving her too much insulin because she’s in remission.  Since chatting with the vet and dropping the shots for over a week, she’s back to normal and happy.  I’m happy too!  This won’t last forever, and I have to watch her closely – but that’s never been a problem for me.  She and I are almost inseparable (but she was not hanging out with me while being OD’d with insulin which tipped me off).
  8. Matthew is back to eating almost everything we put in front of him.  There isn’t much he won’t eat.  He even loves scallops.  This has made life way easier because he eats what we eat every  night for dinner.  It’s awesome!
  9. I have an old doll from my childhood that we keep in Matthew’s closet.  She looks like a real baby (she’s a hospital mannequin – don’t ask!) and we got her out a couple of years ago to teach B how to diaper a baby.  We just kept her in the closet for whatever reason.  Matthew has found her and now asks, at least once a day, for the baby to come out.  He treats her like a real baby and is very gentle and loving, and tries to hold her like a baby (she weighs 5 pounds so that makes it hard for him).   He was hesitant at first, even though he wanted her out of the closet, and just wanted to look at her.  He now pats her head, touches her nose, kisses her, and strokes her while I hold her.  This makes me think to our future with a big brother and it melts my heart!
  10. I have less than a week’s worth of shots left.  I have 6 left starting tomorrow.  Ahhh… this is so exciting!

 

So there it is – the list that convinces me that things are pretty good right now!  I’m sure things will change tomorrow, now  😉


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Things Are Changing Over Here

It was time to get more comfortable, so I pulled out my old maternity clothes.

Heaven!

I dress better when I’m pregnant than when I’m not because I can’t wear all of my old, baggy stuff from over the years. I had to go out and buy maternity clothes two years ago and it turns out they’re nicer than the things I usually wear. Probably because I bought them for work . Ha!

What’s nice about this is that I just feel better about myself. I look more put together, and quite honestly…. I’ve needed some motivation lately to not look like a SAHM who doesn’t have time to do her hair!

What’s not nice about my old stash is that I started this pregnancy 25 pounds lighter than I started Matthew’s pregnancy (I’m not actually complaining) … so the jeans and pants are too big. Good thing my little sister sent me her smaller jeans when she brought my maternity clothes back to me. She’s a nice girl!

Today, I am comfortable. It’s wonderful!

And today, I started these… they’ll all go on my pregnancy page, but I thought I’d kick it off here since today is the big move to more comfort. 😉


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It’s Sort-of… Wonderful!

We went to the OB today for the first time today.  It was… different.  Not in a bad way, but just different.

I knew that Dr. H would do an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and I was not nervous about it at all.  This is a total 180 from what I experienced when I was pregnant with Matthew.  I was a wreck with him, anticipating each ultrasound to be the end before a real pregnancy began.  I wouldn’t sleep the night before an ultrasound back in 2010 and 2011.  But in 2012 – no problem!  Sleep, sleep, sleep I did last night!

Everything went just fine, with the exception of Matthew not digging the chit-chat that we had with Dr. H prior to the exam (we will not be bringing Matthew to appointments that involve an ultrasound again – he does not have the patience!).  We talked about lots of things, but most importantly… we talked about Dr. H being on vacation the week of my delivery.  WHAT?  He is going to Hawaii on the 23rd (Sunday) and the hospitals won’t (usually) let the docs schedule c-sections for a Saturday – and that Friday is technically too early for the c-section since I won’t be 39 weeks yet.  In the old days, this would have set me into a complete panic but now?  Meh.  No biggie.  I mean, we love Dr. H but if he can’t do it, he can’t do it.

This may all be easier for me to accept because he’s putting a special call into the hospital to see if they’ll let him make an exception for me and schedule it for the Saturday before he leaves town.  I love this man!  He has his nurse’s wedding that evening and that’s the only reason he’s not heading out-of-town that Saturday – and he’s willing to come in to deliver for me if the hospital will let him.  Have I mentioned that we love this man?

If this happens, I will deliver at Mercy instead of Methodist which is fine by me because Mercy has the awesome water cups that we need more of in this house  😉

Besides that, the appointment went just fine and we have a heartbeat at 165 bpm and a fetus now measuring 10w6d instead of the official 10w1d/10w2d (somewhere along the lines, the RE moved our date up a day – making me wonder if they considered this cycle a day 6 transfer?).  B missed the ultrasound because Matthew needed to stretch his legs, but there wasn’t too much to see (they use the low-end ultrasound machine for these confirmation scans) and we go back in 2 weeks for the NT scan anyway.

Seeing the baby made this more real, but being perfectly honest – we both forget that I’m pregnant.  I do think my belly is starting to pop out just a tad but besides that – everything seems the same.  I don’t look pregnant, I don’t feel pregnant, and I’m not obsessing about being pregnant.  It’s sort-of… wonderful!