All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!


Real Connections

Starting a blog was something I wanted to do for a long time while going through infertility, but I didn’t have the time or the guts to do it.  I did start a blog while I was pregnant with Matthew, but I never posted even one post, which made it very obvious to me that I just wasn’t ready yet.

After Matthew was born, I struggled almost more with IF than I did while we were pregnant, and I’ll never know why.  I think I felt terribly guilty, and I think I was surprised that I didn’t feel instantly better about our IF since we had a baby.  I think that maybe I expected the sadness to just go away the minute I saw my son – but it didn’t.  Even two years after he was born, a diminished version of that sadness remains.

I always wondered what I would blog about if I did start a blog, and I quickly knew I wouldn’t be a typical “mommy blogger” (I do not like it when adults use the word, “mommy,” but I use it here because that’s what those bloggers call themselves).  I couldn’t see parenting the same way those types of bloggers did, because the IF cloud still hung over me almost every day in some way or another – so I just didn’t blog.  But when Elphaba started PAIL – I jumped on it immediately – and I’ve been blogging ever since.

The only thing I wanted to achieve by blogging was the capturing of my emotions, thoughts, and images in one place for myself and for my family.  That is still my goal every time I blog.  I hope that some day, this blog will help my boys understand a little bit more about me – the me that they may not necessarily see as I’m running them to school and back, or tucking them in at night.  I want them to know how it felt to be their mother.  I want them to know that even once they were here, I wasn’t instantly healed of my sadness.  I want them to see that emotions are real, in every form, and that they’re OK.  I also want them to see just what I went through to teach them to sleep, or nap, or eat.  HA!

I have gained so much from blogging – it’s really been a great thing for me.  B used to read my blog all the time, and said it gave him a new perspective on who I am and what goes through my head.  He doesn’t read my blog often anymore, but when he does, he seems a bit more patient with me.  😉  I don’t think he had any idea how hard the IF was on me even after bringing home a happy, healthy, handsome baby.  I have gained peace in our infertility, and I honestly don’t think I would be where I am today without my blog.  I really needed a place to process my thoughts and feelings.  When I say that I’m at peace with our IF, it’s not that I’m over it or forgetting it, but that I’ve accepted it for its role in my life and in my parenting.  I know it’s always going to be there.  I know that even when I KNOW my family is complete, that I’ll worry about how it affects our boys’ families.  I’ll worry about how and when to tell their future wives about our fertility struggles.  I’ll worry about how we’ll pay for their fertility treatments if they inherit MFI.  These are things that aren’t going to go away, and I have a feeling I’ll blog about them in the future.

I expected to blog my feelings and then work through them on my own.  I did not expect to find a network of women who would work through them with me.  That has been the greatest value in blogging that I’ve realized.  I knew I wasn’t alone, but it’s been so nice to be told that I’m not alone.  AND – I have made some great friends through blogging.  When I first started blogging, I posted about my IRL friends being my community.  Many of my URL friends have become my IRL friends whom I consider as some of my closest relationships.  Back when I posted about my IRL friends, I never thought that the commenters on my blog would be folded into my community.  I had no idea.  But today, I rush Matthew to his nap so that I can get on Skype or FB to see who’s there, and to plan the next times we’ll see each other in person.

It’s awesome!

And it’s been life-changing.

Thank you all for being there, and for listening.  Thank you for your friendship.  What started out as a way to process my feelings and document them for my family turned into a way to connect with other women who had walked a similar path.  Connections are good, and as I’ve realized, they’re REAL!


The Monday Snapshot – Hope

Remember this post? Looking back, that was just CRAZY of me.  What was I thinking buying sleepers for an embryo that was only 4w2d old?  I remember people saying that they hoped I didn’t jinx myself.

Today’s post proves that you cannot jinx a pregnancy.

You just can’t!

These sleepers are sized 3-6 months – and that should have worked for the Halloween season.  However, Bryson is 17.6 pounds this morning, so I am in a rush to get these particular sleepers worn in the next two weeks or so.  For some reason, they are just special to me.  We talked about giving them to someone – but they symbolize too much.

They symbolize MY hope!

This is my contribution to the Monday Snapshot hosted at PAIL.  Go check it out!


The Monday Snapshot – Seasons

Friday marked a seasonal shift for us here in Iowa. It’s been unseasonably hot for weeks, but on Friday, there was finally a cool breeze in the air. It was so cool that I had to get some jeans out for Matthew to wear and I realized that this was his first time wearing 2T pants. Matthew’s gotten rather slim this summer, with his size 5 diapers being bigger on him in September than they were in May, but there’s no denying his growth in height. His legs are longer and leaner, and he definitely needs the extra length in his 2T jeans.

He looks so much older.

He looks like a big kid versus a toddler.

It’s a new season, both in temperature and in parenting. This picture makes me very aware of that.


The Monday Un-Snapshot – Vacation?

I had a whole post written, but not yet saved, on my mobile WordPress app when I added pictures and it crashed. I hate, hate, HATE the mobile WordPress app on our phones. Gah! It was a REAL post too, and not just a post of photos.

But now, this post is just a post of photos. Because its 5:05 AM and I’m tired. And my nursing, fussy, gassy baby may be nursed enough to sleep to sleep in his rocker and not with me.

The gist? We’re on vacation, but it doesn’t feel like a vacation since we have the complexities that come with traveling with a toddler and a newborn. But we are having fun – as evidenced by the storage space being used on my phone to document said fun. 😉

(I keep getting upload errors when trying to attach images, so there will be no snapshot to this edition of “The Monday Snapshot!”)


The Monday Snapshot(s) – Growing Boys!

I started taking these pictures of Matthew on accident, really, when he was a little over a year old. I was cycling out his 6-12 month clothes and replacing them with 12-18 month clothes. When I took the picture of him on his pile of retired clothes, I wished I’d done that every time he moved up a size. I told myself then that I would do that every time he moved up to a new size… And I’ve remembered to do it!

Matthew was still in some 18-24 jeans (and could still wear them now) and t-shirts until just now so I’ve been waiting to take the photo. It turns out that Bryson is moving to all 3-6 month clothes now (which is exactly when Matthew moved into them too), so it was time to take his photo on his 0-3 month pile of clothes.

Taking Bryson’s photo today really made me wish I’d done this all along with Matthew. Sigh!

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The Monday Snapshot – Proof!

Here is proof that kids only fall asleep in the car when we DON’T want them to!

I had an OB appointment today (6 week post-delivery check – more on that later) right in the middle of nap time – so I put the boys in the car 1.25 hours before needing to drop Matthew off at the neighbor’s. I was hoping that he would fall asleep like he ALWAYS does in the car (you know – like at 11:30 in morning which is super early for a nap?) but after an hour of driving – there was still no nap.

We suffered the rest of the day because of this.

This photo proves two things – that kids only nap in the car when you want them to stay awake (and then mess up their nap that is supposed to happen later in the day) and that Matthew clearly still needs a daily nap!