All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!


The Monday Snapshot – Mine!

There are moments when I can’t believe that my life is really mine. These moments jump out of nowhere and can truly almost move me to tears. They almost always revolve around the happiness of one or both of my boys (like when Matthew bursts out in dance whenever he hears music, or when Bryson can’t stop smiling at me, even when I’m sucking his nose out).

We had a busy weekend, full of visits with B’s family every day of the weekend. We had his brother over Friday night, visited his parents Saturday, and met his sister and niece for breakfast on Sunday. It was a LOT of family time, and a bit too much for me, frankly. B’s sister will talk with him and unintentionally leave me out of the conversation each.and.every.time we see her. It’s frustrating. And Matthew LOVES his cousin and they play hard, and Matthew gets a little naughty and out of control. ūüėČ So Sunday was a morning of trying to interject (unsuccessfully) into an adult conversation, being the only one able to tend to both boys during yet another meal, and trying to get Matthew to calm down.


But then Matthew did this, and it stopped my heart for a moment. His happiness overwhelms me sometimes, and reminds me to lighten up. And for a split second, I gaze at him and think, “I can’t believe he’s mine!”


The Monday Snapshot – Family Photo!

We went down to Kansas City this past weekend to see some friends and to spend some time at an indoor water park.¬† We have a few friends and family members who live there, so we try to see everyone each time we go, which isn’t always possible.¬† One of our sets of friends down there is Steph and her family from Blawnde’s¬†Blawg.¬† Steph¬†and I have been “bloggy friends” for a¬†year and a half¬†now, and we’ve seen each other 4 times if you count their stay with us on their way to ChiBLOGo¬†(I certainly count it because Steph¬†and I stayed up late,¬†talking and¬†wondering (and sometimes crying) if we could love our soon-to-be-babies as much as our current babies – HA!).¬† I can’t imagine going to KC and NOT seeing Steph¬†and her family – they are so much more to us than “bloggy friends!”¬† I was so excited when they were able to meet us for a LONG dinner on Friday night and then again the next day at the apple orchard.

B and I both had our phones, and Steph had her fancy camera, but none of us got photos of all of us together.¬† What a bummer!¬† There was one shot I wanted to get of Matthew and Chloe together, but both of them were D-O-N-E with all of us by the time we got the cameras out!¬† I mean, come on¬†– there were DOGS and FIRES and WISHING WELLS and BARNS to play with and explore¬† ūüėČ

However, I did get my new favorite photo of my boys together (see my banner above) and Steph¬†got a family photo of the 4 of us.¬† Aside from my “boo boo” black eyes and cut, I absolutely love this photo.¬† Thank you, Steph, for taking it!

(I did apply a filter to make it look a little more fall-like, and to mute my super bright teal shirt and my scuffed up face!)

Family pumpkin20131013213651



The Monday Snapshot – He Looks so Small

Bryson isn’t a small baby. In fact, he was 18.5 pounds just Thursday at the doctor (another ear infection). Because he’s so “sturdy,” I had no hesitation putting him in this stroller before the suggested age of 6 months. For the first time in a long time, my baby looked sooooo little! I love little reminders like this that he’s still just a little wee baby. ūüôā


Real Connections

Starting a blog was something I wanted to do for a long time while going through infertility, but I didn’t have the time or the guts to do it.¬† I did start a blog while I was pregnant with Matthew, but I never posted even one post, which made it very obvious to me that I just wasn’t ready yet.

After Matthew was born, I struggled almost more with IF than I did while we were pregnant, and I’ll never know why.¬† I think I felt terribly guilty, and I think I was surprised that I didn’t feel instantly better about our IF since we had a baby.¬† I think that maybe I expected the sadness to just go away the minute I saw my son – but it didn’t.¬† Even two years after he was born, a diminished version of that sadness remains.

I always wondered what I would blog about if I did start a blog, and I quickly knew I wouldn’t be a typical “mommy blogger” (I do not like it when adults use the word, “mommy,” but I use it here because that’s what those bloggers call themselves).¬† I couldn’t see parenting the same way those types of bloggers did, because the IF cloud still hung over me almost every day in some way or another – so I just didn’t blog.¬† But when Elphaba started PAIL – I jumped on it immediately – and I’ve been blogging ever since.

The only thing I wanted to achieve by blogging was the capturing of my emotions, thoughts, and images in one place for myself and for my family.¬† That is still my goal every time I blog.¬† I hope that some day, this blog will help my boys understand a little bit more about me – the me that they may not necessarily see as I’m running them to school and back, or tucking them in at night.¬† I want them to know how it felt to be their mother.¬† I want them to know that even once they were here, I wasn’t instantly healed of my sadness.¬† I want them to see that emotions are real, in every form, and that they’re OK.¬† I also want them to see just what I went through to teach them to sleep, or nap, or eat.¬† HA!

I have gained so much from blogging – it’s really been a great thing for me.¬† B used to read my blog all the time, and said it gave him a new perspective on who I am and what goes through my head.¬† He doesn’t read my blog often anymore, but when he does, he seems a bit more patient with me.¬† ūüėȬ† I don’t think he had any idea how hard the IF was on me even after bringing home a happy, healthy, handsome baby.¬† I have gained peace in our infertility, and I honestly don’t think I would be where I am today without my blog.¬† I really needed a place to process my thoughts and feelings.¬† When I say that I’m at peace with our IF, it’s not that I’m over it or forgetting it, but that I’ve accepted it for its role in my life and in my parenting.¬† I know it’s always going to be there.¬† I know that even when I KNOW my family is complete, that I’ll worry about how it affects our boys’ families.¬† I’ll worry about how and when to tell their future wives about our fertility struggles.¬† I’ll worry about how we’ll pay for their fertility treatments if they inherit MFI.¬† These are things that aren’t going to go away, and I have a feeling I’ll blog about them in the future.

I expected to blog my feelings and then work through them on my own.¬† I did not expect to find a network of women who would work through them with me.¬† That has been the greatest value in blogging that I’ve realized.¬† I knew I wasn’t alone, but it’s been so nice to be told that I’m not alone.¬† AND – I have made some great friends through blogging.¬† When I first started¬†blogging, I posted about my IRL friends being my community.¬† Many of my URL friends have become my IRL friends whom I consider as some of my closest relationships.¬† Back when I posted about my IRL friends, I never thought that the commenters on my blog would be folded into my community.¬† I had no idea.¬† But today, I rush Matthew to his nap so that I can get on Skype or FB¬†to see who’s there, and to plan the next times we’ll see each other in person.

It’s awesome!

And it’s been life-changing.

Thank you all for being there, and for listening.¬† Thank you for your friendship.¬† What started out as a way to process my feelings and document them for my family¬†turned into a way to connect with other women who had walked a similar¬†path.¬† Connections are good, and as I’ve realized, they’re REAL!


The Monday Snapshot – Hope

Remember this post? Looking back, that was just CRAZY of me.¬† What was I thinking buying sleepers for an embryo that was only 4w2d old?¬† I remember people saying that they hoped I didn’t jinx myself.

Today’s post proves that you cannot jinx a pregnancy.

You just can’t!

These sleepers are sized 3-6 months Рand that should have worked for the Halloween season.  However, Bryson is 17.6 pounds this morning, so I am in a rush to get these particular sleepers worn in the next two weeks or so.  For some reason, they are just special to me.  We talked about giving them to someone Рbut they symbolize too much.

They symbolize MY hope!

This is my contribution to the Monday Snapshot hosted at PAIL.  Go check it out!


The Monday Snapshot – Seasons

Friday marked a seasonal shift for us here in Iowa. It’s been unseasonably hot for weeks, but on Friday, there was finally a cool breeze in the air. It was so cool that I had to get some jeans out for Matthew to wear and I realized that this was his first time wearing 2T pants. Matthew’s gotten rather slim this summer, with his size 5 diapers being bigger on him in September than they were in May, but there’s no denying his growth in height. His legs are longer and leaner, and he definitely needs the extra length in his 2T jeans.

He looks so much older.

He looks like a big kid versus a toddler.

It’s a new season, both in temperature and in parenting. This picture makes me very aware of that.