All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: My Free Time


by 13 Comments

Time for a SERIOUS Change in the Food Department

My thyroid is out of whack, and my body just feels like shit.  So my family has decided to put our money where our mouth is and do the Whole.30 diet/lifestyle for, you guessed it, 30 days.  This lifestyle is restrictive, y’all, and I will likely be very grumpy for the next 30 days.  But I’m doing it because I need to make a change.  Matthew is starting to want to eat what we eat, and I eat like shit.  How can I tell him he can’t have tortillla chips (or worse, French fries) when I’m munching away on them?  It’s rude.  It’s appalling.  It needs to stop.

Tomorrow, on February 7, 2013, I will be starting the Whole.30 lifestyle.

Today, I go out with a bang.

To hold myself accountable, I will do my best to log every.single.item that crosses my lips on a daily basis.  Goodbye grains, dairy, soda (sniff sniff), sugar, etc.  Hello (again – because we have done this before and very successfully, I might add!) natural meats, veggies, and limited fruits (good thing I LOVE berries!).

Because of my never-ending thyroid issues (and they’re not that bad, but they refuse to stabilize with medication), we are taking this a bit further with also eliminating eggs and some spices (the other things they tell you to limit for autoimmune conditions are on my “do not like” list anyway) as well as nuts, seeds, and pineapple.

This is a needed change.  It is time.  It’s time for things to be working again within my body.

Here we (well… I) go!


by 10 Comments

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday – Busy Day!

We had a busy Tuesday – we had a morning play date with “Westie your Bestie” (twin brother to Vera, Matthew’s girlfriend), then lunch with Aggie and her little friend at CFWHG, and then a 2.5 hour nap (thank GOD because the 1.5 hour naps from the last two days have NOT been enough).  Matthew woke up happy and, for the first time, noticing the baby pictures on the wall above his crib (“Who’s That?”).  Precious!  We then grabbed a snack, milk, and water to come back to watch the L.or.ax.  He’s LOVED it = Good day for all!  B was at a work event tonight so Matthew and I ate dinner together (lots of leftovers are gone now!) and then he climbed all over me for about 30 minutes on the floor.  Great ending to a fun, busy day!

"Westie his Bestie" being a good sharer!

“Westie his Bestie” being a good sharer!

Ahhh... Lorax time. So fun!

Ahhh… Lorax time. So fun!

 

Having heaps of fun!

Having heaps of fun together!

 


by 14 Comments

The Monday Snapshot – BUSES!

Matthew’s favorite siting, in the entire world right now, is a school bus!  If it’s parked, it’s awesome.  If it’s moving, it’s even better.  If there are more than one on the road, it’s life-altering  😉  We have a school just down the road from us that usually has 1-6 buses parked out back at any given time.  We drive by to “see the buses” at least once a day.  If we come to the “bus intersection” with Matthew in the car, he promptly instructs us where he wants us to take him.  It’s quite cute, and we usually oblige him because – well – he’s cute  😉

The other day, the buses were parked in a way that I could get a picture of Matthew gazing at them, with them in the background.  YAY!  This obsession is documented for all time!

"Matthew, what do you see?"

“Matthew, what do you see?”

"Hello, buses!"

“Hello, buses!”

 

This is post is part of the Monday Snapshot over at PAIL Bloggers.  Click on over to check out other cute kids!


by 20 Comments

Where I’ve Been

I have been a bad blogger lately, and not because I don’t want to be blogging, but because some crazy stuff was going on that was taking my full attention whenever there was time to think.

A week or so ago, B messaged me via Skype about a possible move out-of-state for a new position.  The location of the position is my #2 choice on my list of desirable cities (Minneapolis), so I was very optimistic early on.  The possible move was highly confidential at the time and I had to limit my discussions about it with people not in the area.  Thank God for my friends on Skype!  We talked it though before B even got home to really go over it with me, and I had already decided that the move was a good idea for our family because A) it’s Minneapolis, B) the airport there would afford us much better travel options (to visit my Skype and bloggy friends – HA!), and C) it’s still close to my friends and family here in Iowa.  It really was a win-win.

But then I started to worry a bit.  I’m almost 20 weeks pregnant and I LOVE my OB and nurse.   A move away from them would be devastating at this juncture.  The move would have to happen by March 1, and we have a house to sell and it’s not one that would sell quickly (we don’t think it would, anyway).  Paying a mortgage for who-knows-how-long while paying rent in the new city would be financially difficult (I hate nothing more than money stress I and avoid it at all costs).  Packing an entire house of stuff with a growing belly would not be the easiest thing in the world.  What about our embryos back in Iowa?  (I did decide that if we decided to try for baby #3, that I would just come back to cycle here with my clinic = problem solved.)

A lot was going through my mind.  BUT – I was still in favor of the move because Minneapolis is a great city, and more importantly, the move sounded like it could be great for B’s career.

When B got home that night, I was pretty quiet.  I just had a lot going through my mind.  Then he mentioned that things in the current office will likely change next year due to account realignments, and I fell apart.  I mean, I sobbed my eyes out as I cooked dinner at the stove.  The idea of B not working every day with his partner, N, and us not being able to see her and her family as often as we do put me over the edge.

The next night, we talked it over much more rationally (more rationally for me – B was always rational!) after I had come back to the decision that the move was a good thing, even given all the things that had me worried.  During this discussion, B explained why he wasn’t sure it was the right move right now.  GAH!  However, we decided that MSP is where we want to end up in the near future (2-3 years) so it’s good that this opportunity came up to get us to think about MSP as a good landing-place for us.  B said he wanted to explore the opportunity further, but that he thought that he’d pass on it and focus on opportunities here for the next couple of years before heavily pursuing opportunities in Minneapolis.

PERFECT!  We had come to a great conclusion – stay here for now (and birth Baby Boy #2 (BB2) here with Dr. H) and start planning a near-future move for Minneapolis.  This was what I needed to get on with our weekend (it was only Friday night) – and get on with it we did!  The weekend was great!

We did not discuss the possible opportunity at all during the weekend until Sunday night, when I asked B if he was still thinking the same thing that we’d discussed on Friday night, and he said yes.  We talked about risk versus reward and still agreed that growing his career here in Iowa is probably the best option right now for our family.

Then Monday came.  B explored things further and talked with those who suggested him for the position.  He was rethinking things, and I was freaking out.  I wasn’t freaking out because of the possible move because, again, I LOVE MSP.  I was freaking out about the timing of it.  I was freaking out as a pregnant mother of a toddler who would likely have to do most of the packing and moving due to the timing of the whole situation (they needed the position filled and functioning by March 1).  I was freaking out about the idea of staying behind as we tried to sell the house, a process that could take months.  I was freaking out about not knowing where BB2 would be born.

B discussed this opportunity (that went from being a possible opportunity to a slam-dunk if he wanted it) with many people he respects a great deal, and everyone had a different opinion (of course they did!).  I have a very strong business background, so I understand the dilemma that B was facing.  He was needing to make some serious career decisions that were not easy, and I didn’t want to put any pressure on him.  I wanted him to decide what was best for his career and future – because no matter what decision he made, I would support him 100%.

But this was hard.

This past week was a very hard week.  I didn’t cry at all, but I didn’t talk much either.  I withdrew.  I told one local friend about it last Friday, I discussed it twice with my little sister who used to live in MSP, and then I never SPOKE about it again unless B was updating me on the status of the situation.  The ladies on Skype were busy living in completely different time zones, or having babies and the such, so I turned inward.  I didn’t even have a counseling session last week so I couldn’t talk through any of this with Dr. D!  Turning inward is not something I do well  😉

As things unfolded, it looked more and more like this was NOT the move for us at this time.  B made that official just yesterday.  It was a huge relief for me – not because we’re not moving right now, but because the decision is made and communicated.  We have decided that we will likely be moving, though, in the next 2-3 years, if things work out as we would like.

And I can talk about it now.  Which is great – but now there’s nothing to talk about  😉


by 20 Comments

A Major Milestone Of Sorts

I knew my 300th post was coming up, but for some reason, I was off by 1.  I missed it!  My 300th post went up yesterday as my Wordy Wednesday, which is just fine because that was a fun one and worthy of being my 300th post.

What I wanted to do for Post 300 is make a list of my top 30 posts (10% of course) – my favorites from the last 11 months.  I started my blog on February 26th, 2011 and I can hardly believe I’ve posted over 300 posts in just 11 short months.  I bet you B would be surprised too – he will surely now know where a lot of my time goes while Matthew is napping (and when I should probably be prepping dinner!).

That list is now this post – Post 302.  Here are my favorite posts of all time – well – so far!

  1. I Do Cook! – My first post about cooking for Matthew, one of my favorite things from his babyhood!  This kicked off a bunch of other posts with food updates.  We’re still pretty lucky on the food front (seriously, if you’re having problems, give the kid a fork!), but we keep waiting for this aspect of parenting to go to hell after seeing so many other good eaters decide to be picky.  But today?  Matthew ate fajita onions, tomatoes, chicken, and green beans for lunch – and enthusiastically asked for seconds on the onions.  For dinner, he had goat cheese-stuffed grass-fed beef burgers and brocoli.  So far – so good!  Fingers crossed!
  2. I Take it Back – I LOVE this post because it captures every.single.thought that went through my mind during a sleep training session.  Frustration, hope, defeat, defiance – it’s all in there!
  3. My Style – This post explains my parenting style, or lack thereof.  Writing this, I realized that I was a free spirit type of mother and it was really good to write it, and then see it on “paper.”  I like thinking about all the things I SAID I would do (or not do) as a parent that I just am not doing, for all sorts of reasons.  I have evolved in so many ways from the person I was before IF and parenting, and this post makes that very obvious.
  4. One More Time – This post is about my grandpa, a man I love very much.  I’ve posted about him a few times – my visits to him are always very good for my soul.  I think this one, in particular, was the best visit I’ve ever had with my grandpa.
  5. Birthday Eve – Re-reading this one brings a tear to my eye.  I had such a hard time with Matthew’s first birthday, I blogged about that a lot.  I still remember all the random tears from the moment he turned 11 months to his first birthday party.  That was rough.
  6. Reality – A post all about coming to grips with the reality of OUR infertility – and realizing that falling magically pregnant just wasn’t a reality for us.
  7. Weaning Complete – This is the big post about weaning Matthew – it has updates from every single day of the process.  It is full of emotions and I still can’t re-read it yet.  But I do know it’s one of my favorites – if not my very favorite post!
  8. Just What I Needed – I love me RE, and this post is all about my return to them to start the process for Baby #2 (who we can now call BOY #2!).  I was so happy to see them all again, and it makes me a little sad that Boy #2 ended up being so “easy” (B calls him a drive-thru baby) because I didn’t get to spend much time with them this time around.
  9. This is My Space, Right? – This post was sparked by some blogging drama as I started to wonder what all I should, and should not, put, on my blog.  I love this post because it started a very close URL (now IRL) friendship for me with someone who called me out on this.  And thanks to her, my posts starting becoming much more meaningful after this post went up.
  10. Lupron Eve – Musings on starting a new cycle for a new baby, and not being able to let go of cycles passed.
  11. Guilt, Grief, and Moving On – This is the first post, I believe, that really digs deep into the emotions I felt when trying to conceive Matthew. and what those emotions changed in the outward person that I was.
  12. THIS Moment in Time (#1) – I came up with this idea when this first picture was taken – the very moment it happened.  I wanted to capture the memory forever.  This kicked off a small little series that I do whenever I feel the urge.  If something special happens (and is captured in a photo), it gets posted.  I love doing this!
  13. Strategy – A post showing my friends a little bit of “the crazy” that makes me who I am!  This post, and my love of spreadsheets (referenced often), exemplifies who I am and how I live (and try to control) my life  😉
  14. The Mom Stays in the Picture –  Some of my favorite photos of my boy and me together are in this post!
  15. Another Minute or Two – This post talks about my relationship with my late grandmother, a woman I love(d) very much.
  16. On Earning It – My distinction between “deserving” and “earning” things, in life in general, and in relation to TTC/IF.
  17. Not to Pass – I tell everyone about our struggle with infertility, and I explain why in this post.
  18. Ruined for Nothing – I had to give myself a few PIO shots while B was out-of-town.  I was terrified out of my mind.  I reached out to a blogger I didn’t even know, asking for help.  She came through for me like everyone in this great community seems to do.  And in the end, I was a stronger, more capable woman because my fear was all for nothing.  Well, not for nothing… because I learned first-hand how supportive this community is.
  19. ChiBLOGo – There is nothing I can say that will sufficiently summarize how special this experience was (is) to me!
  20. We Could Not Fail – As SRB would say – #EMOTIONS.  This post summarizes our first IVF failure, and the feelings I had while going through that.  Remembering that failure is getting easier on my emotions – I don’t cry like I used to when thinking about B telling me that we had a negative beta – but it will always be one of the most painful memories of my lifetime.
  21. Especially Thankful – This post was misunderstood by some, appreciated by many, and good for my soul.  It still ranks up there as one of my very favorites – because I meant every word of it then and still believe it all to my very core.  So thankful to be done with IVF stimming treatments.
  22. Good With It – This is #2 in a short series of posts going into detail of our IF past, prior to when I started blogging.  This post runs through our first FET that resulted in a very early miscarriage.  I know my outlook on that miscarriage is strangely unique, but that mentality is what gets me through the tough stuff that life throws my way.
  23. Who Knew?  – I loved writing this post!  I know I will reference it in the future when I’m feeling like a parenting failure, and it will build up my spirits to get me through whatever is bringing me down.  Lots of readers loved this post too, and used it as a catalyst to create their own lists of parenting things that surprise them about themselves.  It was fun being an inspiration!
  24. What We Want and What We Get – I still struggle with this question – What do we really WANT (in regards to our families), and will IF, ultimately, decide what we GET?
  25. Defeated – My hardest day, to date, as a mother.
  26. In the Books – Planning holiday traditions, and living them, are two different things  😉  I learned, and documented in this post, what is and is not important to us in regards to holiday traditions for our children.  I will definitely be coming back to this post next holiday season!
  27. The One That Stuck – This is #3 in my little series on our IF past leading up to Matthew.  This post is all about the cycle that WORKED and brought us our little ray of sunshine!
  28. A Promise – No New Years resolutions, just a promise to always remember the struggle that is infertility, and to always think of those still fighting for the families they want (and have already earned).
  29. Life Interrupted – A walk down memory lane, remembering the days (and fun) before infertility took over our lives (my life).
  30. Appendage – A post about how I view my son, and letting his dad have some of the moments that I’ve horded for over the last 19 months  😉

 

My favorite page of all time?  My Favorite Things, of course!

Thank you to everyone who follows along, comments, lurks, etc.!  Having friends out there to share this stuff with makes my blogging life a lot of fun!  I really enjoy the interaction and the close friendships I’ve made with so many of you  🙂


by 9 Comments

The Monday Snapshot – Rough Housing!

Last week, while Matthew was fighting a nap, we got to rough housing a bit on the bed. He started it, and I kept it going. So fun!

SavedPicture-2013121111542.jpg

Holy hell, I originally posted this from my phone and it uploaded the FULL SIZE photo.  No – you do NOT need to see a close-up of my pores!  Sorry about that!

This is my contribution to the Monday Snapshot over at PAIL.  Go and check out the fun!


by 12 Comments

Kids These Days

My son is growing up way too fast.  I spent my morning paying a deposit and registering Matthew for pre-preschool.

YES – that’s PRE-preschool.  Also known as “Parent’s Morning Out.”  This is a program designed for kids whose parents stay home with them who miss out (my words, not theirs) on the structure of daycare.  Yes, we chose to not put Matthew in daycare, but in making that decision, we knew he’d be missing out on some key social skills that kids his age are learning in daycare.

Like taking turns.

Like standing in line.

Like sharing with not just a friend or two, but lots of friends at once.

Like eating nicely at a table with other friends.

I have a friend who is the mother of 4 – and her fourth is just a month older than Matthew.  Her other three children are 10, 8, and 7.  She has raised great kids who are thriving in school and in their extracurricular activities.  Her 19 month-old listens to her very intently and follows instructions like you’ve never seen from a 19 month-old.  This friend used to be a first grade teacher.  She knows her stuff.  So when she says, “you should sign Matthew up for this,” I listen.  This friend and I grew up together and she, herself, was raised by a “retired” teacher (her mom decided to quit teaching when she was born).  Teaching grade-school kids runs deep in their family, so when she raves about this or that program, I run home to research, and most often-times, sign Matthew up!

So today’s outing was to get him registered for PMO for September – a program that is already full at this point for the coming school year.

Which made me ask my friend today, “when do I need to get him signed up for preschool?”

Ummmm… YESTERDAY.

We had a quick chat about the various programs in the area.  The public programs aren’t that great (and I knew this on my own) and are too rigid, not terribly warm and nurturing.  I am not a fan of the public school system HERE, but my friend is.  The fact that we both aren’t fans of the public preschool programs HERE says something!  So we discussed the private programs and there are so many to choose from, that your head could spin.

And mine did.

We want Matthew in a very particular, highly competitive public school downtown (it’s called the Downtown School – truly) or a small private school downtown.  We’ve narrowed it down to theses two particular schools and just need to sort out how to get into the Downtown School or whether we prefer the private school over that one.  Not an easy task, but we have time on that. We can’t even get on the list for the Downtown School until Matthew’s third birthday.  I’m not sure how to work through all of this when the time comes, but again – I have time.

What we don’t have time to sort out is preschool.  I’ve got the PRE-preschool things done, but what am I to do for preschool?

My friend told me of the program that she sent all of her kids to.  It sounds awesome!  Now, the one issue, which is the same issue with almost all private preschools in the area, is that there is religious education tied to the program.  We are not religious.  I think we can work around this by using it as a way to introduce religion to Matthew (I fully believe in presenting options and letting the child decide for him/herself what they want to believe, when the time comes) and get those discussions going.  The bottom line is – if we want him in private preschool, we’re looking at one of these faith-based schools and that’s about it (aside from preschools at daycares which I’m just not sure about aside from one in particular).

Or is it?

The private school (which is not religious) we’re heavily considering for kindergarten-8th grade has a preschool.  I don’t know anything about this preschool but have requested information.  We have friends who send their kids to this school (and the dad sits on the board) and they are in LOVE with the school, but he told me the other day not to waste my money on the preschool because, “it’s just preschool.”  GAH!!!!  Then there are the Montessori schools but they are crazy expensive and I truly wonder if they’re worth the money.  So – we’re likely back at faith-based preschools.

Again, I sort of like the idea of introducing the topic of religion now so that we can have educated discussions about it in our home, but how much is too much?  I went to Catholic high school (all-girls, at that!), and I LOVED the Re-Ed part of it.  LOVED it.  But that was in high school, when they focus on world religions, death and dying, the Holocaust, etc.  I pretty much think preschool is just going to focus on Jesus and Christianity.  Not necessarily what we’re going for.  We’re going for a world approach to religion in this family.

(For the record, if I could pick my religion right now and just make it so, I’d be Jewish.  Love most everything (that I know) about that faith!  I love their CULTURE and traditions.)

This particular preschool has a phenomenal curriculum and education is their focus, not religion.  This is in line with my experience with Catholic high school – education first, religion second.  I’m OK with that.  I believe that’s how it should be.

So yeah, my head is spinning.

I did sign Matthew up for the wait list for preschool for both 2014 and 2015 (depending on when we’d start him) at the church.  It doesn’t hurt to have your kid on a waiting list for one of the top programs in the area.   We will for sure get in if we decide to go with this school.  I was told that had I waited a few months, that we would not likely get in.  I think this may be a sign.  In the meantime, I’ve also requested information on the preschool at the non-religious private school that we fancy so much.  I will also look into the preschool at the one daycare that we sent Matthew to when he was a baby (the kids there impressed us immensely, as did the preschool teachers).  Either way, I think we have our bases covered for preschool.

What about kindergarten, or Pre-K, now?

Well, I also signed Matthew up for the faith-based school’s AWESOME kindergarten program that we could use as a pre-K experience for him (if we decide not to start him in traditional school (kindergarten) until he is 6 – in 2017) or a full replacement for kindergarten (if we decide to start him in first grade in 2017 at the age of 6).  From what I’m told, this half-day program is so terrific that kids coming from it are way ahead of the kids who attended full-day kindergarten at the public schools.  The kindergarten decision is a non-issue to me because it gives us the time we need, and the education and teachers to help us, to decide if he’s ready for kindergarten as a young 5 year-old, or a young 6 year-old.  I know I’ll need help making that decision and sending him to this particular school’s kindergarten program will provide me the guidance I will need to make that very difficult decision.

So here I am, with an almost 19 month-old, signing him up for pre-preschool and getting him on waiting lists for preschool and kindergarten.  Holy smokes – I’ll be signing him up for his SAT’s and ACT’s before I know it!

QUICK UPDATE!  B reminded me of a program that our friend sent her son to downtown at the Science Center.  They focus on science and hands-on learning, which is right up our alley.  We will be getting on their waitlist tomorrow!


by 15 Comments

Appendage

I started this post on Thursday night with just a subject line, and left it in draft mode so that I wouldn’t forget to write about it.  Tonight, I must write about it.

Because I let go a little bit tonight.  I am close to tears over it.

On Thursday night, we went out for B’s company’s holiday dinner.  We got a babysitter, one we trust immensely and who Matthew loves to pieces.  She’s 40 and is the SIL of B’s coworker, the one I wrote about earlier today with the two sweet boys.  “Aunt K” has no kids of her own and is truly what any kid would dream of for an aunt.  She is involved in everything they do, she loves them like her own, and she’s taught them to respect her for the adult that she is.  I think “the boys” behave better for Aunt K than they do for their own parents sometimes.  When Aunt K offered to start watching Matthew for us so we could go out every once in a while, we jumped at it.  We know that she loves our boy as much as he loves her, and tha’s a gift.

We went out several weeks ago and Matthew had not had a good day – he didn’t nap well and then had a complete meltdown when K was watching him.  Bless her heart, she did text us and said that he was a wreck and needed us.  I like that in a sitter – one who doesn’t sugar-coat it and tells you when  you’re needed.  We rushed home as soon as we could and I could not get in the door fast enough.  I found my boy in tears – sobbing tears.

When K came over this past Thursday, I was a wreck, wondering if he’d do OK without us.  I figured the prior time was a fluke, but one never knows.  He did just fine.  I texted her as we ordered (45 minutes after sitting down, which is so irritating to a nervous mother) and said we’d be home as soon as we could.  She texted back 45 minutes later saying not to rush, that he’d gone to the garage door looking for us a few times, but was nicely distracted. That’s all I had to “hear” to rush through my meal and head home.

I told the people near us that I wanted to get home to relieve the sitter, but the truth is I just wanted to get home for my boy.  B’s coworker said to text K and ask her to put Matthew to bed, but I said, “only I can put him to bed.  Even B can’t do it.”  I didn’t say it out of disrespect for B, just out of pure fact.  Putting Matthew to bed after book time (which is B’s time) is my job, and I love it.  I honestly didn’t think that K would be able to get him to settle down.

I couldn’t stand the thought of Matthew crying and wanting us.  I told B to stay and enjoy himself, and he arranged a ride home with his coworker (K’s SIL) and her husband, but walked me out to the car.  I swear, once the doors shut, we both said that we couldn’t get home soon enough.  We played all tough for the people at the table, but both of us just wanted to be with our little boy.  (Of course, when I got home, he was just fine and having a great time with K!)

Matthew is like an appendage to me.  People keep telling me that I need a break from him, that I need to take some time for myself, etc.  But what they don’t know is that he really, REALLY is an easy kid to have around.  I take him everywhere I go, and he goes happily.  He’s my permanent buddy.  We’re best friends.  We talk all day, laugh and play, and talk some more.  I take him to his activities, and he accompanies me to mine.  Being without him would be like being without my left hand – it just wouldn’t (and doesn’t) feel right.  I’m sure some people read this and think, “get a life,” but the truth is, HE is my life right now.  He is my #1 priority.  He is my JOB.  He is my son.  He is my daily buddy.

The three of us are best friends.  Neither of us wants to be without Matthew.  I’m the lucky one in this deal who gets to spend every day with him – and I’m so grateful for that.  I can’t imagine not being with him all day long.  I can’t imagine leaving him for more than an hour or so at a time.  And as much as my friends think that I NEED to have time without him, I can honestly say that I disagree.  Sure, it’s nice to run to Target on my own, on my own schedule, once in a while, but when I do that, I’m lonely because I don’t have my little chatter box with me.  The grocery store is absolutely no fun without Matthew, and I know B would agree.  That’s something the three of us like to do as an activity on the weekends, for crying out loud.

Maybe I would feel differently if I had a high-maintenance child, but when I have a mellow, go-with-the-flow kid like Matthew, it’s just easier to take him with me than to leave him behind.  I WANT to take him with me.  I WANT him in the back of the car yelling at the busses and trucks as they go by.  I WANT him in the grocery cart asking for things like oranges and tomatoes.  I WANT him hugging me from the seat in the Target cart.

It’s no secret that I control certain aspects of our parenting.  By design, I put Matthew to sleep for every nap and every bedtime.  I tell people that I’m the only one who can do it.  Because I am.

Well… at least I thought so.

I found out tonight that B can do it too.

We read a couple final books together and at the point that B usually hands Matthew off to me, he was almost sound asleep on B’s lap.  Without talking about it, I decided right then and there to let B have this.  He deserves to have this time as well.  It’s not just mine, despite what I like to think.

I kissed my boy.  I kissed B.  I told them both that I loved them, and I slipped out of the room.

I let go a little.

And I came out here to write this post.

And I cried.


by 36 Comments

Life Interrupted

As we get further and further into this pregnancy, I wonder if this is the last time I’ll be pregnant.  I know I’ve talked a lot about this – about trying for a third because of our 5 frozen embryos – but as we get closer to bringing this baby home, I’m starting to wonder if we’ll want to try for a third, or if we’ll count our blessings and be done.

Before infertility, I was very active.  WE were very active.  B and I met via extreme fitness.  I’d decided, in a drunken haze on New Year’s Eve 2005 (going into 2006), that I would sign up with a friend to do a 10 week kickboxing and strength building course.  I went 6 days a week – many times I did two classes a day – for 10 weeks straight.  I ate it up.  I lost tons of weight.  I lost heaps of body fat.  I was FIT.  I was strong.  I was, for the first time in my adult life, lean.

B taught the kickboxing classes I was taking – it was something he enjoyed and it was a side-job/recreation for him outside of his normal existence as a project manager.  We never dated, or even thought of dating, while I was a student, but the night of my 10-week graduation, we got to talking and we dated ever since.  We “met” (rather – got to chatting) on a Saturday night, March 25th, and then hung out again on the 30th of that month – and then only spent 4 nights apart from that moment forward.  It was a whirlwind romance – all started because of fitness.

Truly.

B was an avid runner – I mean – a CRAZY runner and running was something I had no interest in.  Until I watched him and his buddies run the Living History Farms race the weekend before Thanksgiving in 2006.  I decided that I would maybe enjoy trying a little running.  I did it for the camaraderie of it, but I was quickly hooked.  I ran all the time – at least 4-5 times a week in all weather conditions.  I decided to start running races with “the guys” and that quickly became an obsession.  Hell, I even started a running club that was quite successful for 2 years.

It was fun!

We decided to try something new so took up mountain biking.  This was something that B was much more natural at than I was, but I still enjoyed it a great deal.  I took some serious spills (as did B) but that never got me down – I just got right back up and tried something harder.  Trying something “harder” was in me back then – working harder and pushing my body to its limits is what I did.  It’s what we did.  It’s what we did together.

We then found a new thing to do – something even harder.  We started “Adventure Racing” and we were good at it!  Well – sort of.  This was something we could do together and it was really difficult – I mean – the hardest thing either of us has done.  We did our first 8+ hour race as a co-ed team with a friend of ours – and we won!  I’d never won anything physically challenging in my life – but we won that race.  I was hooked and so was B, so we found another AR to do in my hometown area.  We came in third in that one – and that specific race was, to this day, the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  It was 108 degrees, with a heat index of 115.  People were dropping out of the race left and right due to heat exhaustion.  For some reason, B and I kept on going.  We canoed 11 miles on the open Missouri river against a 25 mph head wind, next to huge barges and cargo boats.  We trekked downtown Omaha and rural areas with nothing but a compass and UTM coordinates.  We biked, and biked, and biked God-only-knows-how-many-miles until we were finally done.  It was a 12 hour race and it took us more than that to finish – but we came in third.  We fought hard for that third place finish.  At one point, neither of us could even get ourselves to start walking from a dead-stop – it was just impossible in the heat and with little fuel in our bodies.  We each went through 9 liters of water that day, and that was not enough.  At the finish line, I collapsed and cried.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done – but the funnest day of my life up to that point (and up to the point of Matthew’s birth).

And then… as I was planning our fall schedule of Adventure Racing?

Then Infertility happened.

And my life was interrupted.

Our lives, even though B would have preferred otherwise, were interrupted.

We were diagnosed in September 2009, just a couple of weeks after placing third in the Omaha AR.  Just a few weeks after doing the hardest, and “funnest,” thing either of us had ever done, we were catapulted into a new phase of our lives that would challenge us in so many other ways.  A phase that would challenge in us in ways that, to this day, I wish we hadn’t been challenged.

B also started his “new job” at the same time we were being diagnosed, so it was just a shit-storm of changes, none of which we were really prepared for.  I tried to keep going to kickboxing, etc., but after being asked on three different occasions why we weren’t pregnant yet (after more than a year of trying on our own), and one time being told that my “eggs are screaming, you need to get B to get you pregnant,” – I quit going.  I just could not take it.  I certainly could not take watching women come and go from class who were newly pregnant, or coming to class to lose the “baby weight.”

No thank you.

I kept running but treatments got in the way of that.  You’re not supposed to exercise much if your ovaries are the size of grapefruits, and without a regular pattern of fitness, I just got out of shape.

And I was depressed.  Depression, infertility, and lack of physical activity will ruin your physical fitness in no time.  And it did.

Once pregnant, I wanted to start running again but it just seemed wrong to introduce something “new” into my life when I felt simply lucky to be pregnant.  I didn’t want to put anything at risk.  Once Matthew was here, I again wanted to start running but my big, nursing breasts made that really intimidating.  I went for a few runs this past spring but never got into a groove.

And now I’m pregnant again.

I’m not complaining, I’m just stating a fact.  Starting running now, in the dead of winter while pregnant, is the furthest thing from responsible.

But I ache for it.

I ache for it so much that I am trying to sign B up for any and all races he’ll let me sign him up for – road races, adventure races, you-name-it.  I want to live vicariously through him if I can’t do this myself.

Which gets me to the point of this post.

I am happiest when I’m healthy.  I am happiest when I’m fit.  WE are happiest, individually and as a couple, when we feel good about ourselves.  I miss my old self.  I miss my old energy levels.  I miss the fun that B and I had as a couple, all of it related in some way to fitness.  I miss my uninterrupted life.

I know that having a baby would have changed my life regardless, but had we not struggled with infertility, I would have stayed fit up until pregnancy and I would have kept running through the pregnancy.  I know this.  I know this for a fact because I was still running, biking, hiking, and AR-ing as we tried in that first year to get pregnant.  Yes, parenthood changes many things, but it does not need to change that – and it wouldn’t have for us had we not been dealt the hand of infertility.

It is what it is, and I’m grateful for the overall journey and the end result, of course, but I miss my old self.  I want to meet her again, and I want to meet her soon.

I have plans to get back into shape rather quickly after having this next baby.  I will not let my nursing breasts stand in my way again.  I will suffer through it and adjust.  It is that important to me to find myself again.  B is signing up for an AR camp this spring and hopefully an AR for the summer, and my goal is to be back on his team in the summer of 2014.  That will require lots of work on my end, but I’m ready for it.

My life will not be interrupted much longer by infertility.  Even if we do try for a third child, I know that I won’t be stimming again so I can be physically fit up until transfer day, which makes me so happy to realize!

I can’t wait to get back to my fit self, and I can’t wait to introduce physical fitness to our children (childREN!)!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.