All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Category Archives: Infertility


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I Just Have to Share!

I follow “Adventures in Infertilityland” and have for a very, very long time (years, maybe?).  I love reading C’s perspective on things because she is so grounded and thoughtful, in my opinion.  She is going through a rough time right now and she is one of those people who you just can’t help but throw your support behind because, well, she’s just darned likeable!

So today, she posted the most poignant post I’ve read on any blog in a very, very long time.  This just resonated with me and I have to share it.  I think that it applies to any and all of us – no matter how big or small our struggles may be.


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Hope Floats

Something big happened – I got my first post-pregnancy period.  Not exciting to anyone but me, I suppose, but it’s worth a post.

All this time, I’ve worried about weaning Matthew solely because I need to get that first period post-nursing so that we can move onto TTC Matthew’s sibling.  I have written several posts and comments about this topic, I was so upset about it.  Our RE said it would take 2-6 weeks given that I’m still nursing him exclusively (aside from his 3 meals a day) – he nurses 4 times a day still.  I figured that it would take 6 weeks for me to get my first period once he was weaned – but I got it today!  Why the exclamation point?

Well, this means that my cycles are coming back and when I am fully done nursing (some time in July – notice how that got moved out from June?!), then the first post-nursing period will come on cue and we can begin our FET!  I decided the other night that I am nursing Matthew into July just to help my own heart get through it, and if that pushed our FET process to September or October – then so be it.  But if I’m cycling now, then that means that we can still start our FET in August, most likely, even if I nurse into July because I won’t have to wait 6 weeks for a period!

And then there’s this.  We can start trying naturally now.  I even asked B today if we could run some tests to see if anything has changed because maybe we don’t need IVF/FET – maybe with his new paleo lifestyle, things have changed and we can (gasp!) get pregnant naturally or with an IUI.  He enthusiastically said yes, so I will call our RE next week to get that setup.

My first thought when I saw the blood was, “well, I guess I’m not accidentally pregnant.”  How silly is that?  After all the IF business we went through to get Matthew, I thought that maybe, just maybe, we could get pregnant naturally without a single period?  I mean – it happened to my younger sister who only has one ovary.  HA!

This all reminds me of one of my favorite corny movies – Hope Floats.  At the end of the movie, she says, “Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”

Here I am at the beginning, all over again, and my hope is already floating up.


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Yeah – It Doesn’t Work That Way

It hit me today that I will NOT be doing our FET in August like I thought.  When my friend was over today with her daughter, we talked through my cycle and I realized that I won’t get my first post-nursing period until August, at which time my RE wants to do a mock transfer.  They will put me on BCP on day 1 of that first cycle and then the FET will be about 45 days later.  We’re looking at September or early October, which is when we did the transfer for Matthew.  I am totally cool with this – but it did surprise me that I hadn’t thought through this earlier than now.

The good news of all of this is that I’m obviously not obsessed with TTC/IVF like I was when we were trying so hard to get Matthew.  When we were working on getting him, I would build spreadsheets to figure out when I may cycle if this one, or that one, didn’t work and if I had a chemical pregnancy, etc.  I was a crazy woman.  This time?  My RE said we’d do the cycle in August and I just figured, “oh, a  transfer in August.”  No – it does not work that way  😉  So late September it will be if I get my period when I expect it.

Again – totally cool with it!  It means I have even more time with just Matthew, which is ultimately what I want.  The idea of another baby makes me a little sad because Matthew is my bestie and I don’t want that to change.  But I do want him to have a bestie that is closer to his age than his dear old mom – and that is why we’re doing this when we are.  He LOVES other kids and really needs to have one of his own at home  😉


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I Don’t Ignore It

Last year at this time, I was blissfully pregnant and in my third trimester.  I was getting bigger by the day, and as each day went by, I felt closer and closer to winning the big prize.  But I NEVER forgot about our infertility.  I never ignored it.

Being “in the trenches” was the most difficult time of my life, but having my son has not taken our infertility away – it just put it on hold.  Even on hold, I still felt a sting of pain when my younger sister got a surprise pregnancy when her baby was just 9.5 months old (younger than Matthew is right now).  Even on hold, I felt agony for my friend who was working on conceiving #2 via IVF.  Even on hold, I felt my heart race as I went back to review my cycle spreadsheets to see exactly what my first successful beta was when another blogger asked her readers to share their numbers.  Infertility is obviously a very big part of me – and it can’t be ignored – even when I put it on hold.

I remember my mom asking, once we were good and pregnant, “doesn’t this make all of that heartache go away now?”  I was cold with my answer.  “No, Mom, it does not.”  I still cry when I think about our first (and failed) IVF cycle – when I remember B coming down the stairs after getting the call from the RE and me saying, in a very knowing tone, “It didn’t work.”  He shook his head and said, “It didn’t work.”  I broke into a million pieces as he instantly tried to start picking them back up.  He held me on the sofa as I sobbed and sobbed – in a way I had never sobbed before.  Writing this now brings tears to my eyes.  Even having a beautiful, sleeping baby in the next room can’t make me ignore my infertile past (present, and future).

Everyone expects a successful pregnancy to make the infertility disappear – but it just doesn’t work that way.  I can’t ignore our infertility – and I don’t think I’d want to.  Our infertility brought us our perfect little son who we love more than anything.  I would not undo a moment of it – and I certainly won’t, and can’t, ignore it.

(I wish my family wouldn’t ignore it either.)

 

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. Visit Resolve.org for more information:


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Family Ties

My cousin lives in the same town as me, and I don’t see her near enough.  She’s the same age as my younger sister and we all had a great time when we were growing up, hanging out at our grandparents’ house every few months.  Times at our grandparents’ were magical – and the best thing was that we knew it at the time.  They had one of those houses that was welcoming to everyone of all ages, with lots of land and activities for the kids, and they were relaxed about what the kids did.  We really had no limitations – and no responsibilities while there – and we knew that this was very special.  I miss those days.

My cousin and I share a very similar IF history in that we both struggled a great deal to get pregnant.  She tried and tried for years to get pregnant – 4 total.  She was not as aggressive as I was in getting treatment/assistance.  IF treatments really weren’t for her and she figured they’d just keep trying on their own.  I, on the other hand, was a regular at the RE’s office and never skipped a cycle with them.  I took no breaks – that’s just how I am.  She figured it would work out some day for them.  I figured it would only work out if I took control of the situation ASAP.  We are very different.  Where we are similar is that we knew of each others’ struggles and discussed them, and I think we both secretly hoped that we wouldn’t get pregnant before the other one.  We didn’t want to break each others’ hearts.

When I did get pregnant, I didn’t know how to tell her.  I asked my mom to tell her mom (our moms are sisters) and she agreed to do that for me.  I figured the news would be best coming from her mother.  In hindsight, that was so cowardly of me, but I just didn’t want to be the source of pain for her.  When my mom called her mom, she said, ‘Courtney has some news that she’s not sure how to tell K.  Their latest IVF worked and they’re finally pregnant.”  What do you think my aunt said?  “Are you kidding me?  K is pregnant too!  She didn’t know how to tell Courtney!”

My mom called to tell me, her mom called to tell her, and then we called each other and let out a collective sigh of relief.  It felt so good to feel SO happy for someone else when it came to pregnancy – and for that someone to be my cousin!  I felt relief for her, for myself, and for our families.  We both got our wishes granted, and at the same time.  We did it in our own ways though – her via good old fashioned trying and perseverance, and me through modern science.  Different paths but the same result – with the same timing.

Throughout our pregnancies, we were due just 6 days apart.  When I was told I needed a C-section because M was breech, I got very excited because I was allowed to deliver 6 days early which meant that we may have our babies around the same time and be hospital neighbors.  Our babies ended up being… exactly 6 days apart.  I went to see her and her daughter (H) the day after H was born and it was marvelous!  Sitting there holding her miracle, with mine still inside me, was surreal for me.

M and I went to visit them today.  We had planned to go last Wednesday, but our geothermal issue got in the way.  I love watching the babies play together.  M just sits back and watches while H runs the show.  That’s the way it’s always been and probably will always be.  It’s adorable.  H has the sweetest little baby voice I have ever heard.  Her soft, melodic voice almost moved me to tears today – it’s just so precious and something I hope to remember forever.  I could sit there, with my eyes closed, and just listen to her babble for hours – her voice is so peaceful to me.  M lit up at the sight of H and he jumped right in to be her friend, even if that meant letting her climb all over him and knock him around a little.

I feel privileged to have shared a similar path to parenthood with my cousin.  I look at K and H and can’t help but be reminded of how far we’ve all come, and how lucky we were to have each other during such a trying time.  I’m so fortunate to have such wonderful people for family!


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IF Interrupted My Happy Morning

In light of recent events in the ALI community, I’ve been taking a long, hard look at what makes us PAIL moms (I’ll never refer to myself as “a mommy,” in case you were wondering) different from regular moms.  This morning, it became crystal clear.

We bought our house in August of 2010.  We love this house – it is the perfect house for us – down to the geothermal heating a cooling.  However, our geothermal unit is not a good one and the manufacturer actually went bankrupt (and out of business) – so there you go on the quality of what’s running our heating and cooling.  It has been nothing but trouble for us since we moved in.  We have a home warranty that we do keep renewing just because of this unit.  If we didn’t have the warranty, it would have cost us about $2,000 in repairs in 1.5 years.  Instead, it has cost us about $800.  But that’s not the issue.

The issue is this.  It is unseasonably warm (HOT) in Iowa right now.  77 Degrees.  We finally turned on the air last night because the house was at 73 degrees.  Nothing happened.  Well, something happened – it got hotter and hotter and hotter.  It was 77 when we went to bed and 76 when we woke up.  I called our home warranty people first, and then our geothermal guy who I have on speed dial.

We likely need a new unit.  This one is dying a slow, painful, expensive death.  My first question was, “what does it cost?”  but I knew the answer already because we hypothesized this with our repair guy this past winter when we had issues with our heating.  $13,000 – $14,000*

What does this have to do with infertility?  My first thought when hearing this was, “but I need to spend that money on IVF this summer.”  We just saw the RE yesterday and he told us we’d do a FET first, then likely a fresh cycle if the FET doesn’t work.  The total for those two things?  $14,000

It’s a good thing my favorite hobby is saving money.

* Our geothermal guy is awesome, and when he came over to band-aid our unit, he told me that he’d install a new one for $10,000 because he feels bad that we have such a terrible unit that came with the house.  He’ll make no money off of the purchase or installation, but he wants us with a stable unit.  Such a great guy.  Thanks, Bob!

 


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Totally Worth It

We saw our RE today.  I really like our RE – he’s a great guy who mirrors his patients’ personalities.  If you’re the type like me who wants control, control, control – then he’ll do what he can to help you feel more in control.  He knows that I like information – ALL. OF. THE. INFORMATION.  He walks me through everything in great detail and leaves no stone unturned – and I really appreciate that.  If you are someone who prefers to be guided along gently (like B), then he gives you the high-level plan and no more unless you ask.  I find it amazing that he can handle our two personalities so differently, but in the very same appointment and meeting.  He’s very good!  You can see him switch his approach as he moves from talking to me, to talking to B, and back to me, etc.

So – we have resolution on when to do a FET for M’s sibling.  We are scheduled for August.  All I have to have done for pre-testing is a sonohysterogram.  No blood work – just the very uncomfortable sonohysterogram.  I can live with that (which is good because as my RE has said to me in the past, I don’t have a choice).  We talked about the impact of breastfeeding on the whole plan and equation and he told me today that we will do the sono after my first period after I stop nursing M and that it would take 4-6 weeks for that period to come.  OK – so if I stop nursing when M is 1 (in June), then we’ll be all set by August.  This is just terrific!

A side-note:  I think we may be finished nursing sooner than I thought – at least with daytime feeds.  M just is not interested in nursing during the day.  He putzes around and gets distracted.  I end up having to pump because he’s just not eating well during the day.  I think he may be weaning himself a bit.  He is also biting me – no fun.

I did ask what the odds are that the FET will work.  40%.  OK.  Prior to M, this number would have freaked me out but not this time.  I am no longer facing the possibility of being childless – and that removes lots of pressure and angst.  If the FET does not work, it sounds like he’ll want to do another fresh cycle since I’m getting old (my words, not his).  I’ll be 36 on Saturday and as he said, I’m getting into the “advanced maternal age” realm and he’d like to retrieve again sooner than later.  We have 7 frozen embryos so it sounds like plenty, but we will do what he advises.

My experience today was a total 180 from our first meeting with our RE as we kicked off treatments in 2009.  Back then, I cried at the drop of a hat.  I sobbed during our entire first consultation and couldn’t even talk at times.  Today, I spent tons of time laughing with our doctor, making fun of myself, and reminiscing on how much things have changed.  I was so looking forward to going in to see him and the rest of the crew today – it was like seeing a bunch of old friends.

My RE ended our chat by telling us that seeing us made his day.  Oh – that warmed my heart!  I trumped him, though, and said that our visit made my week.  BECAUSE IT DID!  It felt so good to see our old friends who gave us our precious boy, and to truly be able to look back on just how far we’ve come.  I used to say that I would never laugh at our infertile days – but I did laugh at them today – and I’ve laughed at them a lot lately.  Not because they’re funny, but because it’s so amazing to me that so much sadness, depression, and anxiety can be lifted almost instantly with that very first sound of your new baby’s first cry.

Here are some photos of that precious boy.  To steal a line from my favorite blogger of all time, this baby is “worth every jealous moment, every injection, every frustrating month of waiting, every awkward doctor and vag cam appointment.  Totally worth it.”

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My Community

I have a very close friend – my closest friend, actually – who also did IVF to get her daughter.  We were friends prior to IVF, but not good friends.  When we both started struggling with conceiving, we got to know each other better and became each others’ support systems.  We didn’t read blogs back then – we didn’t know about them!  We knew about each other and we became each others’ rocks.

We had similar, but different, experiences with IVF.  She was older than me and her first cycle resulted in just a few embryos and a chemical pregnancy.  Heartbreaking.  My first cycle, a short month after hers, resulted in 9 embryos – 2 which were transferred and 7 which were frozen, and a total and complete BFN.  Heartbreaking.  Her second cycle was cancelled before retrieval.  Heartbreaking.  My second cycle (the FET) resulted in low betas and an empty sac.  Heartbreaking.  Her third cycle resulted in 3 embryos – all which were transferred – and her daughter.  JOY!  Her beta was 566.  My third cycle, four months later, resulted in 2 more frozen embryos (back up to 7!) and my beautiful son.  JOY!  My beta was… 566!

My friend moved on to TTC #2 when her daughter was just 8 months old.  She’s turning 40 this year and really wants to finish her family building  now.  Her cycle was identical to my first cycle: 16 eggs retrieved, 9 great embryos, 2 PERFECT transferred embryos, 7 high quality frozen embryos, and… a total and complete BFN.  UGH!  As she was going through the cycle and it was a mirror image of my first cycle, I kept scolding myself for worrying that her cycle would end just like mine.  Why think that way?  But it did – it ended in one very disappointing BFN.

She did her FET today.  I spoke with her this morning and we talked about thaw rates, etc. and she asked how our thaw went with our FET 2 years ago.  We had a 100% thaw rate and we talked about our clinic’s latest thaw rates of 90%.  We were positive.  We were excited!  She texted me later, just before noon, saying that she didn’t know much but that they were up to thawing 4 embryos but not sure if it would work and may need to thaw more.  I called her, we talked about it being likely that all would be fine and she’d have her 3 remaining frozen embryos for “insurance” in case this cycle didn’t work.  We were positive.  We were excited!  She then texted me post-transfer.  They had to thaw all 7 embryos.  UGH.  We tried to be positive and excited – but you can tell we’re both deflated.

I will cheer my friend on through this 2WW and will remain positive for her.  If her FET works, I will cry tears of joy with her.  If her FET fails, I will cry tears of sorrow with her.

In light of recent happenings in ALI-land, the activities of my day remind me that you don’t need a whole slew of people behind you.  You need a few good friends to get you through.  Sure it’s nice to have the cheers and excitement of those around the world who have walked in your shoes.  But those near and dear to you – the trusted friends who have been through it themselves and share many of the same thoughts as you – those are the people you  need.

I am lucky to have found a new bloggie friend prior to the implosion of the ALI community.  I will support her as she cycles for #2, and I think she will support me.  I have two close friends in town who have both done IVF and we are as “thick as thieves.”  I have my community – it may be small – but we are a true community who support each other no matter what.

 

 


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I Celebrated with Cake

What a day!  M is still sick, but on the mend.  In the last 8 months, B and I have often asked, while changing a diaper, “do you think that’s diarrhea?”  Well – let me just say that now I KNOW what that looks like and we’ve been lucky enough to avoid it until now.  It was not a good morning, but the rest of the day made up for it.

"What, do my pants bother you? Well then change them!"

Because of the unpleasant diapers, I limited M’s food to just oatmeal today.  He was throwing up a bit yesterday too so I figured I’d give him something smooth and simple so that he could throw it up easily if needed.  He seemed to like the oatmeal quite a bit!

"I could live on this stuff!"

B is traveling for work but he got the baby gate installed before he left.  Thank goodness because this happened today:

"Maybe if I shake it, it will open..."

M took two super good naps – I believe because he was so tired from being sick.  I was watching him on the monitor as he tried to fall asleep and I got to see him trying to pull himself up in his crib for the first time.  I took the photo to send to B.  I shouldn’t have done that, because I think that B is probably losing sleep RIGHT NOW worrying about M launching himself over the side of the crib.  We’re nowhere near that yet – and will get the mattress lowered in a couple weeks (I’m insistent that we keep it where it is because this is a normal part of development which helps lead to walking).

"Are you watching me?"

My day ended with one happy baby:

And a mini cake:

Why the cake you ask?  WELL – this is the last mini cake from one of my baby showers last summer.  I’ve been saving it and I have not really been sure why.  Today, after so many nursings to keep M hydrated, countless diaper changes, and multiple close, warm snuggles, I was really feeling appreciative of this gift of a little boy that is in my life.  I am doing what I was born to do – what I worked so hard to do.  I think taking such vigilant care of him today made me really think back to what it took to get not just a baby – but to get HIM – and I wanted to celebrate that with cake!


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Complete

Our good friend, Denise, came by tonight to capture M’s bedtime routine.  It sure was fun!  He’s doing so many cute things between 6:00 and 8:00 at night.  He loves his bath, he’s trying new foods, he belly laughs at the cats playing together – it’s truly turned into the best time of the day.  We’ve learned from experience that just because he does something cute today, does not mean he’ll do it again tomorrow – or EVER again.  Therefore, we try to capture these things in photos and video right away in case he stops doing them.  Tonight was all about capturing his cuteness at bed time – and there was a lot of cuteness to capture!

Nights like these make me think about the future.  I think about having more kids, when we’ll have more kids, how that will affect M, how soon is too soon, etc.  I know I posted just last night about child spacing – but I am honest when I say this:  If this is it for us – if M is destined to be an only child – I am just fine with that.  He is such a dream come true, such a sweet baby who lights up every room he enters.  I surely want more kids for obvious reasons, but the main one is so M can be a big brother and have a sibling.

If another baby is not in the cards for us, that is OK – because we are complete with M!