All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

I Don’t Ignore It

2 Comments

Last year at this time, I was blissfully pregnant and in my third trimester.  I was getting bigger by the day, and as each day went by, I felt closer and closer to winning the big prize.  But I NEVER forgot about our infertility.  I never ignored it.

Being “in the trenches” was the most difficult time of my life, but having my son has not taken our infertility away – it just put it on hold.  Even on hold, I still felt a sting of pain when my younger sister got a surprise pregnancy when her baby was just 9.5 months old (younger than Matthew is right now).  Even on hold, I felt agony for my friend who was working on conceiving #2 via IVF.  Even on hold, I felt my heart race as I went back to review my cycle spreadsheets to see exactly what my first successful beta was when another blogger asked her readers to share their numbers.  Infertility is obviously a very big part of me – and it can’t be ignored – even when I put it on hold.

I remember my mom asking, once we were good and pregnant, “doesn’t this make all of that heartache go away now?”  I was cold with my answer.  “No, Mom, it does not.”  I still cry when I think about our first (and failed) IVF cycle – when I remember B coming down the stairs after getting the call from the RE and me saying, in a very knowing tone, “It didn’t work.”  He shook his head and said, “It didn’t work.”  I broke into a million pieces as he instantly tried to start picking them back up.  He held me on the sofa as I sobbed and sobbed – in a way I had never sobbed before.  Writing this now brings tears to my eyes.  Even having a beautiful, sleeping baby in the next room can’t make me ignore my infertile past (present, and future).

Everyone expects a successful pregnancy to make the infertility disappear – but it just doesn’t work that way.  I can’t ignore our infertility – and I don’t think I’d want to.  Our infertility brought us our perfect little son who we love more than anything.  I would not undo a moment of it – and I certainly won’t, and can’t, ignore it.

(I wish my family wouldn’t ignore it either.)

 

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. Visit Resolve.org for more information:

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Ignore It

  1. How similar we can be on some things never ceases to amaze me. This time last year I was also about to have a baby. And was more or less told to STFU because it is easier to let go when you are getting what you want. It invalidated my entire struggle up to that point, and still beyond.

    This was very brave of you to post. Getting pregnant does NOT make the heartache go away. It stops the bleeding, but the wound still needs to close, scab, scar over and fade. I know how hard it can be to hear this when you are still in the trenches. At the same time, it is important to be honest that IF doesn’t go away when you have a baby – not physically, not mentally, and not emotionally. It doesn’t go away, but it does look and feel different. An honest and realistic picture of the entire journey can really help prepare those just starting out to cope, to survive, and to hope. Thank you for sharing this. xoxo

  2. xoxox

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