Last year at this time, I was blissfully pregnant and in my third trimester. I was getting bigger by the day, and as each day went by, I felt closer and closer to winning the big prize. But I NEVER forgot about our infertility. I never ignored it.
Being “in the trenches” was the most difficult time of my life, but having my son has not taken our infertility away – it just put it on hold. Even on hold, I still felt a sting of pain when my younger sister got a surprise pregnancy when her baby was just 9.5 months old (younger than Matthew is right now). Even on hold, I felt agony for my friend who was working on conceiving #2 via IVF. Even on hold, I felt my heart race as I went back to review my cycle spreadsheets to see exactly what my first successful beta was when another blogger asked her readers to share their numbers. Infertility is obviously a very big part of me – and it can’t be ignored – even when I put it on hold.
I remember my mom asking, once we were good and pregnant, “doesn’t this make all of that heartache go away now?” I was cold with my answer. “No, Mom, it does not.” I still cry when I think about our first (and failed) IVF cycle – when I remember B coming down the stairs after getting the call from the RE and me saying, in a very knowing tone, “It didn’t work.” He shook his head and said, “It didn’t work.” I broke into a million pieces as he instantly tried to start picking them back up. He held me on the sofa as I sobbed and sobbed – in a way I had never sobbed before. Writing this now brings tears to my eyes. Even having a beautiful, sleeping baby in the next room can’t make me ignore my infertile past (present, and future).
Everyone expects a successful pregnancy to make the infertility disappear – but it just doesn’t work that way. I can’t ignore our infertility – and I don’t think I’d want to. Our infertility brought us our perfect little son who we love more than anything. I would not undo a moment of it – and I certainly won’t, and can’t, ignore it.
(I wish my family wouldn’t ignore it either.)
It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. Visit Resolve.org for more information:
- http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
- http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)