I’ve been struggling for about a month about how to go about baby #3. We want a third baby, but I don’t want one right now.

It’s taken me over a month to say that out loud to anyone, including B. But I just told him, and he agrees (or rather, supports me).

He asked me why. I have so many reasons.

1. I’m enjoying Bryson so much, and feel that pushing this now really forces him into the “middle child” position too soon.

2. There just isn’t the worry like last time. No fear of, “what if it doesn’t work?”. If it doesn’t work, we have our two boys and we’re thrilled with them. We won’t stim again, but for a second child we would have (and we were dealing with my age).

3. Waiting 6 months really has no impact on my age. I’ll be 39 if we do it this fall, and I’ll be 39 if we do it next spring.

4. I’d really like to get my body back for a long time before ruining it again.

5. I have no sex drive with the nursing and lack of sleep. We’d both like for that to reappear for a while!

6. I don’t want another summer baby. I plan on holding both boys back until they’re 6 for kindergarten and a third baby may not need the extra year with two older siblings. I’d like to not even have to think about this a third time.

7. I want Bryson well established in school before a new baby comes. I felt like I was sending Matthew to school so I could have time with the new baby, and that just felt bad. Of course he has loved school since day 1, but there is still guilt.

8. This is a big one – my uterus scares me. I want another full year for it to heal before putting another baby in it.

9. I want 6-12 months of having independent kids before adding more dependency to the mix. The idea of having a third with Bryson at Matthew’s current age is exciting. The idea of having a third with Bryson just turning 2 terrifies me.

10. I’m just not ready.

This is momentous for me. I feel so relieved.