All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

What Would You Do?

31 Comments

I just spoke with our embryologist about how we’re going to handle trying for baby #3. Because I can only transfer one at a time because of my uterine situation, she thinks our doctor will want to do PGS testing on our frosties so that we’re only transferring normal embryos. Makes sense to me.

So she said, “and we’ll know the genders of each one if you want to know.” Whoa! Game changer! We can request genders for transfer, or let them just work down the list of normals.

We’ve already decided what we’re going to do, but what would YOU do?

By no means is this being asked to start an ethics debate with one another, I’m just curious what you would do if you could choose gender, and only transfer one at a time. Would you pick? It changes everything when SOMEONE (you, or the embryologist) has to pick one. (If we could transfer 2, I would request one of each if we had them. Easy decision!)

Also, I got good news from them about doing a “compassionate transfer” if we do end up with baby #3, and remaining normal embryos. HUGE weight lifted!

(I would setup a poll but I’m typing on my phone.)

And a follow-up question: she said if they choose for us, that we could find out at any point after transfer (even moments after) what the sex is. Would you ask, and when in the process would you ask and why?

Okay – GO!

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

31 thoughts on “What Would You Do?

  1. Hm… if I was you, I’d choose girl, but that’s just b/c I love having a daughter. Maybe I’d feel different if I had started with 2 boys like you? I was open about wanting sisters obviously. Now we have 1 of each and it’s been super fun having a boy and he already seems like a mommy’s boy. But ya, I think I’m back to saying girl b/c the relationship is just different (and fun for daddy to have a little girl?). Who knows… maybe just don’t choose and tell the embryologist to just choose the best embryo and not tell you the sex? Tough choice!

  2. Ok, outwardly I would use the catch cry “I don’t care! A healthy baby” but with two beautiful boys I probably would want a girl! What is a compassionate transfer? When are you thinking of transferring? How many times can you have a c section?

    • “Compassionate transfer”: http://www.donoreggblog.com/2009/03/left-over-embryos-what-to-do.html?m=1

      We are likely transferring in November. I don’t want to wait until next year because of deductibles and out-of-pocket maximums that kick in on Jan 1. I like to think big picture! No reason to pay in full when we still have some benefits to use up!

      The cost of the PGS biopsy is likely an issue. I’m sure insurance won’t cover it. Ugh. I’ll know cost soon…

      The C-section limits me to 4 deliveries, but my weak uterus limits me to 3. Neither my OB nor RE will allow a 4th pregnancy, and my third pregnancy likely can’t handle twins, hence the eSET.

      Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  3. Hmmmm. That is a really tough question. If I wanted a specific gender then I think I would tell them to transfer that gender (I really wanted a girl so if I didn’t already have a girl, I would ask them to transfer the female embryo). But if I had my girl, I didn’t really have a preference (as was my case for number two, I would have been equally as excited to have a boy or girl) I would ask them to transfer whatever they deemed most transferable, I suppose.

    Are you going to tell us what you chose?

    Also, what is a “compassionate transfer”?

  4. And I would want to know because I am Type A and like that.

  5. I cringed when I read this because it’s such a hard decision to make and I really feel for you guys having to potentially make it. I guess if it was me, I’d rather not know or pick the sex because it kind of feels like I’d be playing “God” in a sense. I know science has allowed for these capabilities, but if something happened to the embryo you transferred (lets say girl) and then the remaining embryo was the boy you chose not to transfer, that might be difficult to deal with too, not just from a loss stand point but from not getting the sex you wanted. Just my opinion though. I’d rather get a healthy embryo and find out at 20 weeks! :p

    • Its crazy to think about, really. The one thing that hangs over me is that SOMEONE will choose. Be it us or the embryologist, someone will choose knowing the sex. So why not be us? But had we chosen with Matthew, we’d have chosen girl… And look how “wrong” that choice would have been! There really are no wrong choices when it comes to this… I learned that quickly!

      • That’s a great point, SOMEONE does choose ultimately. Now I need to rethink my original thoughts on this. Also, the compassionate transfer broke my heart…I agree, it’s the best option in that scenario, but still hard to know those little embies won’t be take-home babies. I think it’s just ridiculous any of us have to make these kinds of decisions. I wish we could all just get pregnant the old-fashioned way and not have to make the choices. You are right, there really aren’t any wrong choices, just whatever choice works best for you. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for beautiful, healthy eggs for you when they thaw!!!

  6. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pick. We were surprised with both Raegan and Cavan until the 20 week ultrasound. I wanted to wait until Raegan was born, but their father wouldn’t wait. He insisted on finding out. I knew I wouldn’t win an argument to not find out with Cavan. Having to only transfer one at a time would be hard for me because my embryos left are frozen together. I couldn’t choose between them and refreezing can be damaging. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

    And I like Chon want to know what is a compassionate transfer? I’m curious…

    • “Compassionate transfer”: http://www.donoreggblog.com/2009/03/left-over-embryos-what-to-do.html?m=1

      With the new process, they’ll thaw them all. Mine are in pairs too, but they’d only refreeze the normal ones. Refreezing blasts is proving to be safer than before. Crazy how quickly things change!!!

      Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

      • I’m intrigued….this may be what I have to choose to do if I can’t afford #3-4 baby. I’m crying thinking about it bc I want so much to have a third, but I also planned on having a husband with which to have that third child. Who knows? I’ve got some time…I’ll be old so we’ll have to wait and see.

  7. Wow! I think I depends on whether you feel strongly about having a certain gender. For example, if I had two boys & knew this would be my last baby, I might want to transfer a girl. But if it truly doesn’t matter to you, go with the surprise 🙂

  8. I would not pick if it was my first. But if it was me I would ask them for another girl. My hubs says the same!
    Kind of cool to have the option!
    I would love to know what you are doing!
    Also, what is a compassionate transfer?

    • Nevermind. Just saw links above!

    • Had we had a choice with #1, we both would have chosen girl. So funny how we then preferred another boy when pregnant with Matthew! I do like having all of the same, that’s for sure! It’s no secret… I want a third boy!

      Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  9. Oh man! That is tough! Especially knowing that this will be your last pregnancy and with two boys already. We did not find out Sabine’s gender until she was out of the womb. I loved the surprise of it. However, if in your situation (had a child already, only had one more pregnancy, etc) I might request that boys be transferred first since I already have a girl. THEN AGAIN, the idea of two girls is delightful. This is a HARD thing to decide and I’m having some anxiety just thinking about it. 🙂

    • Yeah, we just discussed it again and B is getting antsy about our consult – has lots of questions. We talked about what we think the other one would want (I think he’d request a girl, just because we don’t have one and everyone alive knows I want another boy) and although we know our approach, thinking of the other options is inevitable and curious!

      Two of the same is really neat! I wanted two boys because I have it in my head they’ll be besties. Had Matthew been a girl, I would have wanted another girl. I’m just like that!

  10. Like others have said above, if it was my first I probably would choose NOT to know. However, if I were in your shoes with two lovely boys, I would probably select for a girl. I definitely would love to experience being a Mom to both a boy and a girl. If you don’t decide, would the embryologist decide or would it be unknown until later in the pregnancy?

    • If we choose not to choose (sounds weird), the embryologist picks the best looking one in culture, but knows the sex and could tell us right after transfer if we wanted to know then.

      I can’t believe how much has changed since we first started this process in 2010! Unreal!

      Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  11. Gosh, I have NO IDEA. If it was my first, I definitely wouldn’t choose. If it was my second (and being pregnant right now with #2 I think it makes it easier to say), I also don’t think I would choose.. but maybe that is because Anthony and I are both leaning different ways as far as preferences. BUT for #3 and two boys already, I may choose, not necessarily one way or the other but more in that by this point maybe you have a strong preference.. that you either love having boys and want all boys… OR that you really want that girl. I think I may choose for #3 and in your case, probably a girl just because I love my girl! 😉 But I think I remember saying before that you prefer having all boys?? Can’t wait to hear what you are going to do!! Oh and I LOVE the idea of the compassionate transfer!!! Wow, so neat! Perfect plan. Oh and as far as finding out after transfer, I think I would wait to hear/see heartbeat at 6 weeks or so and then find out, knowing that chance of miscarriage is much lower after that, I just think I would wait until then for whatever reason.

    • I think with it being #3, it really does make it different. But truth be told, had we had the option for #1, I think we would have chosen… And chosen a girl. We both wanted just girls. Ha!

      I’ll update soon. I’m starting to think that our minds may not be as set as I thought. It will all depend on B after we talk to Dr. Y.

  12. I wouldn’t pick. I would want to be surprised at the anatomy scan.

  13. Wow, how interesting that you get the option to pick! I think that’s pretty cool actually if it’s something you are interested in doing. Hmm, if it were me in your situation with two boys already I would most likely pick a girl due to wanting the bond between a mother and daughter since I lost my mom so young. But I know you’ve mentioned you love being a mom to boys and that you think that’s what you were meant to be. So are you going to share what you decided to do? 🙂 Oh, I see up above you may still be thinking about it…

  14. If I was in your position, having 2 of the same, I would choose. But in my case, already having one of each I would not. If we have a third, I honestly would have no preference!

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