All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

Little Reminders

5 Comments

After reading many posts this morning about the ache we feel for more babies, I decided it was time to get up for the day (we had a horrid night last night). I dragged my tired ass into the bathroom to “put my eyes in” and brush my teeth. I’m neurotic about plaque build-up so opened my cabinet to find my little plaque pick.

There are subtle reminders everywhere in our house that we hope, long, for a third baby. The BFPs under my sink, the swings we keep (even though our kids have never liked them, really), the ointments that don’t work for Bryson but could for another baby, the leftover newborn (and sizes 1, 2, and 3) diapers. They’re everywhere, and I accept it because I KNOW they’re there.

But in my top bathroom cabinet, the one I share with B… well… I didn’t know they were there too. Seeing it, I wondered, “why is that back here? Oh yeah.” And I pushed it aside, leaving it where it is, hoping it sees the light of day again at the end of the year.

Hope, pain, excitement, an eye roll, and the ache. Oh, the ache of not knowing if our family is complete or not is just killing me. I’d transfer those five embryos tomorrow if the timing wasn’t all wrong, just to know our fate. Just to know what my family is going to look like. Just to put the hope and uncertainty behind me, so that I can move on with whichever flavor of “the ache” is going to accompany me through the next phase of my life. Will I ache for the third baby that never was, or will I ache for babyhood in general while gazing at three beautiful children?

I just don’t know.

(Do you see it?)

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Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

5 thoughts on “Little Reminders

  1. While the ache hurts, the uncertainty that you are facing would be much worse. I hope the third child you hope for comes to you quickly and easily and that your ache is for babyhood on general, not a family that feels incomplete.

  2. Praying for your cute family! Hope you find peace in your decision. Those boys of yours sure are adorable! 🙂 Still remember when you posted about your last delivery and the scare you had with the hole in the placenta. So glad everything worked out well, though!

  3. This hits me so hard…I have 2 frosties just waiting for a chance and with everything going on in my life, I may never be able to give them a chance. Would it be irresponsible of me to try to have a third( or possible 3rd & 4th?) on my own when I’m struggling to figure out how to care and provide for the two beautiful children I have? I made a commitment to those embryos when they were created they would all be given a chance, but with the recent changes in my life, I just don’t know what to do. I need to win the lottery.

    I always envisioned myself with 3 children and the thought of never being pregnant again breaks my heart. I know there’s no guarantee either of those last 2 embryos could catch but I might never be able to give them the chance to find out. My family definitely doesn’t feel complete, but it’s not just because I only have 2 children. There are other factors at play in my life right now.

    This is not how I envisioned my life and I might just have to accept that and mourn what will never be. Hugs lady….I feel your pain….

  4. I can absolutely see how it must be so hard just not knowing. I think I said this before but right now I am convinced and ‘okay’ with the fact that this one inside, #2, is it for us… but I’d be lying if it doesn’t freak me out that I may not feel that after baby is here. I love pregnancy, newborns, and all of that. I don’t know if I am ready for all that to be over with… FOREVER!! 😦 But at least our plan is two and done… which I think is easier than just not knowing. I really really hope that things work out the way you want them to and that your family feels and truly is complete someday.

  5. I’m right there with you on this. the uncertainty is really hard – we only have 1 frostie so it seems that much more uncertain.

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