2012 was good to me. It was good to US. We started out the year with the plan to start trying for Baby #2 in June. I figured I’d stop breastfeeding Matthew in May and that my period would return in June. I delayed ending our BFing relationship, though, out of pure heartbreak – that was by far the hardest decision I made this year. I finally had Matthew weaned by mid-July and was back at the RE’s office in August planning our work.
I never thought our work would be successful so quickly. I really didn’t. After spending 2.25 years of trying to get pregnant with Matthew, and a full 3 years from start to finish before we brought him home, neither of us thought the first FET would work. Of course we hoped it would, but we didn’t think it would. We stressed about how much a fresh cycle would cost if/when we got to that point, we discussed how cycling would impact possible vacation schedules, and we talked about not letting myself get so wrapped up in TTC again that Matthew would feel the impact of it.
And then it worked, and all of that stress and all of those unknowns went out the window.
Which is foolish because of course this pregnancy could end tomorrow, but in my heart of hearts, I feel very confident that this pregnancy will work out just fine. In fact, I don’t even think about it not working out – I just go with it knowing that everything is fine. This is such a change for me.
So here I am, at the end of 2012, officially in a second trimester that I didn’t expect to happen this year.
I am grateful that it happened. I am grateful that I will never have to do a full IVF cycle ever again. I am so happy knowing that if we choose to be done with family building with this second baby – that yes it was hard-earned – but it was much simpler than last time.
I am at the end of my IF journey if I choose to be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. 2012 was apparently my/our year – but it wasn’t the year for so many others. And you know who you are. I hate that 2012 wasn’t the year to make all of the dreams come true of the wonderful men and women I follow daily. I hate that it worked for me, but that it didn’t work for you. I hate that one of my dearest old IRL friends just started her first IVF cycle this month as I’m possibly finishing up that chapter in my life.
Thinking about the uncertainties that these men and women are going through at this time makes my heart hurt, and it makes me angry. I remember all too well what it’s like to spend every waking thought on IF and the fear that it brings into your life. My life was on hold for years due to our infertility, and I know that no matter how hard you try, it often times is just too hard to stop that vicious cycle of halting and starting your life again as each IF cycle comes to an end and then starts over again. I cannot sit here and be grateful that we are possibly done with our IF journey without feeling mutliple things for those who are not yet done.
I know that many in the ALI community are hoping beyond hope that 2013 is their year – because 2012 stuck it to them in a major way. I want all of those men and women to know that I am in your corner. I will continue to support you. I will continue to cheer for you. And I will continue to know in my heart of hearts that this will work for you – whatever “this” is. We will all get there in some way or another – wherever there is.
Not a day will go by in 2013 that I won’t think of my friends who are still fighting to build the families they want. That is my promise for 2013.