All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

A Promise


2012 was good to me.  It was good to US.  We started out the year with the plan to start trying for Baby #2 in June.  I figured I’d stop breastfeeding Matthew in May and that my period would return in June.  I delayed ending our BFing relationship, though, out of pure heartbreak – that was by far the hardest decision I made this year.  I finally had Matthew weaned by mid-July and was back at the RE’s office in August planning our work.

I never thought our work would be successful so quickly.  I really didn’t.  After spending 2.25 years of trying to get pregnant with Matthew, and a full 3 years from start to finish before we brought him home, neither of us thought the first FET would work.  Of course we hoped it would, but we didn’t think it would.  We stressed about how much a fresh cycle would cost if/when we got to that point, we discussed how cycling would impact possible vacation schedules, and we talked about not letting myself get so wrapped up in TTC again that Matthew would feel the impact of it.

And then it worked, and all of that stress and all of those unknowns went out the window.


Which is foolish because of course this pregnancy could end tomorrow, but in my heart of hearts, I feel very confident that this pregnancy will work out just fine.  In fact, I don’t even think about it not working out – I just go with it knowing that everything is fine.  This is such a change for me.

So here I am, at the end of 2012, officially in a second trimester that I didn’t expect to happen this year.

I am grateful that it happened.  I am grateful that I will never have to do a full IVF cycle ever again.  I am so happy knowing that if we choose to be done with family building with this second baby – that yes it was hard-earned – but it was much simpler than last time.

I am at the end of my IF journey if I choose to be.


I wear my heart on my sleeve.  2012 was apparently my/our year – but it wasn’t the year for so many others.  And you know who you are.  I hate that 2012 wasn’t the year to make all of the dreams come true of the wonderful men and women I follow daily.  I hate that it worked for me, but that it didn’t work for you.  I hate that one of my dearest old IRL friends just started her first IVF cycle this month as I’m possibly finishing up that chapter in my life.

Thinking about the uncertainties that these men and women are going through at this time makes my heart hurt, and it makes me angry.  I remember all too well what it’s like to spend every waking thought on IF and the fear that it brings into your life.  My life was on hold for years due to our infertility, and I know that no matter how hard you try, it often times is just too hard to stop that vicious cycle of halting and starting your life again as each IF cycle comes to an end and then starts over again.  I cannot sit here and be grateful that we are possibly done with our IF journey without feeling mutliple things for those who are not yet done.

I know that many in the ALI community are hoping beyond hope that 2013 is their year – because 2012 stuck it to them in a major way.  I want all of those men and women to know that I am in your corner.  I will continue to support you.  I will continue to cheer for you.  And I will continue to know in my heart of hearts that this will work for you – whatever “this” is.  We will all get there in some way or another – wherever there is.

Not a day will go by in 2013 that I won’t think of my friends who are still fighting to build the families they want.  That is my promise for 2013.



Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

14 thoughts on “A Promise

  1. very well said. I think that even for those of us who are “done” with our IF journey, we’re never really done- it’s something that’s changed who we are and how we view the world forever…

  2. Yeah, 2012 kind of kicked me in the ass, but 2013 will kick ass….right?!?! It has to! Being at the end, whether you’re there officially or not, gives a different perspective. I hate that my friends are all done having their kids, and they’re 5 years younger than me, 10 years younger than Babe, and we’re still struggling. It just kinda really sucks. But you have a different perspective. You struggled too. Emsky has a point in that our IF journey has changed us and our views on the world. That is something your average fertile can’t offer those of is still struggling….

    • I am with you – 2013 has to kick ass for you because there’s nowhere to go but up! You were one of the gals I thought of and I’m confident you’ll get your 2013 pregnancy! I know that sounds stupid, but I really think you will.

      Some people can truly put their IF behind them – I know someone who has done just that and she’s the happiest person I know. Truly. But I don’t get it. It’s not me.

  3. Thank you Courtney for a beautiful message. I’m so happy for you, I’m glad your 2nd round was so much easier….it gives us all hope that if we can make it through our first, maybe the 2nd and beyond won’t be filled with such heartache. Happy New Year!

    • Happy new year to you too!

      I think the second time is often times easier just because we know what to expect, and what NOT to expect. Having lower expectations definitely helped me, as sad as that is to say.

      I hope your cycle is going well! I can’t believe your transfer is coming up in a few days. YAY!

  4. Well said! I am so thankful for this year and for what it was for us. We had our baby girl this year and that is more than I could ask for. She has absolutely made our year (okay, our lives). And I am so thankful for you and this pregnancy and that it didn’t have to be so hard this time around… but like you, I am still thinking of those in the trenches, hoping that 2013 will be their year.

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  6. I love this post. It was JUST what I needed to hear at the end of 2012. Thank you for writing this.

  7. Beautiful post and thank you. so happy 2012 was bright for you. I cannot wait til I can close this chapter of my life, I really long to be done with treatments

    • I know you do, and I understand that. I think the uncertainty of IF is the worst thing – never knowing if you get a first, second, third chance at parenthood, and feeling like we need to “take what we can get.” It’s unnerving – every time we attempt it.

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