All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!


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I Don’t Ignore It

Last year at this time, I was blissfully pregnant and in my third trimester.  I was getting bigger by the day, and as each day went by, I felt closer and closer to winning the big prize.  But I NEVER forgot about our infertility.  I never ignored it.

Being “in the trenches” was the most difficult time of my life, but having my son has not taken our infertility away – it just put it on hold.  Even on hold, I still felt a sting of pain when my younger sister got a surprise pregnancy when her baby was just 9.5 months old (younger than Matthew is right now).  Even on hold, I felt agony for my friend who was working on conceiving #2 via IVF.  Even on hold, I felt my heart race as I went back to review my cycle spreadsheets to see exactly what my first successful beta was when another blogger asked her readers to share their numbers.  Infertility is obviously a very big part of me – and it can’t be ignored – even when I put it on hold.

I remember my mom asking, once we were good and pregnant, “doesn’t this make all of that heartache go away now?”  I was cold with my answer.  “No, Mom, it does not.”  I still cry when I think about our first (and failed) IVF cycle – when I remember B coming down the stairs after getting the call from the RE and me saying, in a very knowing tone, “It didn’t work.”  He shook his head and said, “It didn’t work.”  I broke into a million pieces as he instantly tried to start picking them back up.  He held me on the sofa as I sobbed and sobbed – in a way I had never sobbed before.  Writing this now brings tears to my eyes.  Even having a beautiful, sleeping baby in the next room can’t make me ignore my infertile past (present, and future).

Everyone expects a successful pregnancy to make the infertility disappear – but it just doesn’t work that way.  I can’t ignore our infertility – and I don’t think I’d want to.  Our infertility brought us our perfect little son who we love more than anything.  I would not undo a moment of it – and I certainly won’t, and can’t, ignore it.

(I wish my family wouldn’t ignore it either.)

 

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. Visit Resolve.org for more information:


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Updates

The main things going on right now in my life are sleep training Matthew, and transitioning to a paleo/primal lifestyle.  I have updates on both (this is rather boring stuff, so feel free to click away if you want!).

Sleep Training:

  • I reviewed Matthew’s sleep charts and saw two glaring things – I was not enforcing a solid nap schedule and we were bringing him into bed with us for HOURS every morning when he got up
  • Matthew was only napping in my arms, nursing – every single time.  I was going insane.  I was spending 3 hours a day in a glider
  • I was staying way too long in his room, rubbing his back, after putting him down for the night
  • Since forcing a nap schedule and not bringing him in to sleep with us, everything turned around
  • Matthew slept 10.25 hours straight through the night last night!
  • Matthew has taken 2 naps each of the last two days IN HIS CRIB.  Yes, i still nurse him to sleep but he’s aware when I’m putting him in his crib
  • I get the heck out of his space right after putting him in his crib, and all is better
  • Everyone is happier today than we’ve been in weeks!
  • It only (HA!) took 2 full weeks of Ferberizing (so much for all the, “it only takes a few nights” comments I got from everyone I know!)

Paleo/Primal Lifestyle

  • So far, so good
  • Still need to cut out the dairy
  • Slipped up today and had a small piece of garlic toast that came with my 100% primal salad.  I’m not beating myself up.  It was damned good!
  • I’ve had no more soda since my slip-up earlier this week that I confessed to everyone
  • This is much easier than I thought it would be!
  • As of this morning, I was down 4.4 pounds.  Hard to believe!  I don’t expect this to continue

Other Random Updates

  • Matthew is standing up at his activity table now so I had to take the little spinning seat off.  I am sad about this  😦
  • Matthew has found his voice and it is rather loud.  I love listening to him talk and babble because I know that his speech is deliberate and he is saying something very specific that I just don’t understand  😉
  • I have spent lots of time wondering why so many people against CIO feel obligated and justified expressing their disapproval of the practice on all children, not just their own
  • My wonderful husband got my mobile phone replaced for free, and he set it all up for me.  I really appreciate this.  I hope I’m kinder to the new phone than I was to the old one
  • Matthew is now trying to climb out of his tub (and is quite good at it).  This means that he will get to bathe in the big boy tub and will probably be showering with me more often now
  • Despite Matthew sleeping better, I am not.  I still wake up quite a bit wondering if he’ll be waking up
  • I stepped totally out of my comfort zone and walked down to a neighbor’s  house, knocked on her door, and introduced Matthew and myself to her and her twins.  She is a SAHM mom too and we met her DH the other night who told us she’s lonely.  Well, so am I – so I told him I’d stop down to say hello this week so we did it today!  It was easy!
  • I had lunch with an old coworker today.  I thought to myself several times that no matter how boring some of my days are, I have no desire to be working where I used to work.  This is the job for me!


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Hypocrite

B and I have been feeding Matthew based on the paleo lifestyle, with the exception of a little bit of oatmeal early on and sweet potatoes.  Paleo allows sweet potatoes for those who need extra calories (like tri-athletes or NBA players), but we figure that Matthew is a growing boy and sweet potatoes are a nice source of some important nutrients (iron being one), so we let that one slide.  I quit with the oatmeal after the geothermal incident, so he is very much a paleo kid with the exception of his beloved sweet potatoes.  We have run this lifestyle by our pediatrician who is 100% on-board and says that he’s getting everything he needs from what we’re feeding him, and that humans are consuming way too many carbs so it’s just fine to cut all grains completely before he even gets started (have I mentioned that I LOVE this doctor?).

Matthew is a tremendous kid who eats everything you put in front of him.  All of his food is 100% natural  and hormone-free,  and most of it is organic (I subscribe to the thought process that you buy organic for at least the dirty dozen).  We only use 100% grass-fed beef and free-range poultry.  Thanks to Cathy, I think we’ll be making Matthew’s yogurt once all of his YoBaby is gone.  I slave away in the kitchen so that he has healthy food that we know is good for him.  If we are out-of-town and can’t take his  homemade food with us, we buy organic baby food and read the labels closely to ensure that all he’s getting is the veggie/fruit, and water.  No additives.  I’m fanatical about it.  When people offer Matthew baby puffs, I politely say, “no thank you,” but think to myself, “are you kidding me?  There is nothing in that of any nutritional value!”

Why am I telling you all of this?  Well, you would think that B and I are tremendous, healthy eaters as well, right?

Not so much.

B is much better than I am – but even he isn’t a poster child for healthy eating.  He tries really hard to eat well, but how can he when he’s married to me?  I have been a poster child for pathetic eating habits my entire life.  I will feed my baby his 100% natural lunch, and then put him in the car so I can go to Mc.Don.alds.  I’m serious.  I kid you not.  French fries are a food group to me and I love nothing more – NOTHING MORE – than Diet Pep.si.  I would be perfectly happy if you hooked me up to an IV of DP and fed me French fries all day long.  The worst part?   I’m not even ashamed to say it!

I was never able to get away with this lifestyle without serious repercussions.  I have always been heavier than I should be.  In 2006, I decided to make a change and got my ass into shape.  SERIOUS SHAPE!  I ate healthy, gave up the soda, and exercised like a crazy woman.  I kept this up for 3 years.  I was, for the first time in my life, lean and trim.  Then – IF happened and I got depressed, I couldn’t run or exert myself too much during IVF cycles (due to my huge ovaries), and I was just totally and completely over it (my health kick, that is).  I thought about nothing but getting pregnant.  I gained 25 pounds.  I was at my highest weight EVER when I finally got pregnant with Matthew.

Today, I am almost 30 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight.  No – it’s not due to exercise.  Or healthy eating.  I think it’s due to A) not being on fertility drugs, B) breastfeeding, and C) being insanely happy with my life!  I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight 8 days after giving birth – but let’s face it – that’s not hard to do when you were at your highest weight ever when you got pregnant.  Dropping the weight has been effortless.  I hate saying that, because so many people struggle to lose weight after having a baby, but it is the truth.

So what did I do when I dropped all of that weight?  I started eating like crap again.  I went to McDon.alds 2-3 times a WEEK, indulged in Blizzards from D-Q because I needed somewhere to drive to keep Matthew asleep in the back seat, and found that Wend.y’s new fries are REALLY GOOD!  I took for granted how easy it was to drop the weight after having Matthew and I kept this manner of eating up for 9 months.

That all ended on Sunday.  It’s time for us to live the lifestyle we’re expecting our child to live.  It’s time to stop being stupid with food and get back to smaller meals, healthy meals, satisfying meals!  We started Paleo on Sunday.  We started it two days after my farewell lunch at McDon.alds didn’t even taste that good (but the one at Cul.vers the next day did!).

I am relieved.  I am relieved that I’m taking control of my body back.

I feel great.  I’m never stuffed to the gills.  I’m not experiencing caffeine highs and lows.  I’m not missing French fries (yet).  I’ve already dropped some weight.  I will admit – I had a Diet Co.ke today out of weakness and it was divine – but I will be better tomorrow.

I made a Paleo dinner tonight – out of ingredients we had in the house and without a recipe.  It was satisfying and really, really good!

I feel like I’m off to a good start – and for the first time in the past 9.5 months, I don’t feel like a hypocrite when it comes to food!


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Is it Strange?

I was reading one of my cohort’s blog posts yesterday when I was stricken by surprise. She mentioned that she bathes with her baby and that people find it strange? REALLY?

I shower with Matthew once a week or so. He loves his bath time and it’s part of his nightly bedtime routine (yes, he bathes every night), but I LOVE having him in the shower with me. It just seems natural. He skipped his bath last night due to being out too late so I popped him in the shower with me this morning. We had a great time! Our shower is pretty big so he crawls around in it while I get clean. He loves it!

Do people really find this strange?

The first time I bathed with Matthew, he was little…. tiny. He was very congested and the doctor said I should take a bath with him. So I did. It is one of my favorite parenting memories so far. He was so happy to be so close, skin to skin, and I was too, quite frankly! He even cozied up on his own to nurse. Pure happiness for us both!

I look forward to being out of town because it means we for sure will bathe or shower together. Our first shower together was a few weeks ago at my sister’s. She suggested I do it to save time, and was shocked we hadn’t showered together yet. The reason we hadn’t is because years ago, my other sister plopped her 1 year old son in the shower with me (much to my horror!) and I almost dropped him. Truly. He was so slippery and I caught him just as he almost hit the floor. That terrified me, so I just didn’t think to do it with my own child. I’m so glad my sister suggested it a few weeks ago because I LOVE it!

Is it really THAT strange?

As you can see, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. Another cohort commented that she bathes with her baby but wasn’t sure if she should include it in her “how I parent” blog entry. I am just stunned by this. Who judges such things? Apparently some people do.

So in support of family bathing, I am going to be bold! I am going to go outside my comfort zone here and post something I wouldn’t normally post! My sister snapped a couple photos of Matthew’s and my first shower together. Here they are:

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UPDATED: It’s 12:22 AM

And I’m not up with a crying baby.  No.  I’m up pumping.  I live in fear that if I don’t pump each night before bed, that the ladies will start to dry up and our breastfeeding days will come to an end.  Isn’t that weird?

So, as I was typing this (and pumping, mind you!), there was a knock at my door.  AT 12:30 AM!  I pump in my living room, facing the damned door, because, well, I pump late enough that no one will show up and see me.  Right?  Wrong.  It was strange.  So strange.  I called for B and he came and saw the gal on our stoop, turned off our security system, and answered the door.  She was seemingly drunk, and there was a man in an old, beat up car in our driveway waiting for her (he notes these things in case there’s trouble!).  CRAZY!  She was looking for people with a different last name than us, and people who don’t live in our neighborhood (I popped onto the assessor’s website to check out the name).  It left me feeling quite uneasy.  I didn’t sleep well.


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Sweet Success!

Matthew slept through the night and didn’t get us up at the crack of dawn either! I did not get much sleep because he stirred every hour on the hour, starting at 12:15, and that woke me up. But he put himself back to sleep each time without standing up once! I could not believe it! His final stir was at 5:15 and then he slept until 6:30!!!!!

I cannot keep my eyes open, but I don’t care!

We had one hell of a storm last night. We were stranded a couple times due to flash flooding. My car needs some repairs now, darn it. All is well for us, but there are some pretty banged up neighborhoods around town now. I feel bad for those folks.

I’m off to catch a cat nap now!


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Did I Seriously Say That?

I am horrified.

Today, while going through the drive through (Matthew was sleeping in the back seat and B suggested we go.  When he suggests fast food, I take him up on it before he takes it back!), I actually thanked the kid who brought our food to the car by saying, “Thanks, dude.”  Before I was even finished with those two words, my mind was asking, ‘what did you just say?’  I physically hunkered a bit and instantly turned to B and said, “I just said, ‘dude.’  I am horrified.”  I was (and still am) so embarrassed.  I told B that the kid probably went in and told his buddies that some thirty-something year old woman just called him, “dude.”  I then corrected myself and said, “he probably said some forty-something year old woman.”  B’s response?  “No, forty-year old women don’t wear baseball caps.”

Does that mean I can’t wear my baseball caps in 4 years?

I am vowing to never call anyone, “dude” again… unless it’s Matthew, of course.