When you go through infertility for years, there is a very real chance that you may become a “bitter infertile,” and there’s an even bigger chance that once you become one, you won’t recognize it and will insist that you’re not one! I certainly didn’t want to become a “bitter infertile” – but it happened. I won’t lie – and I won’t sugar-coat it. I was bitter – so very, very bitter. Pregnancy announcements would completely ruin my week, I took every FB pregnancy post personally, and I about lost it in the parking lot of Sears when my husband informed me of an acquaintance’s easily acquired pregnancy. I was in the trenches, and I was miserable. Misery turned into bitterness. What else can I say?
I always thought that once I finally got pregnant, that the bitterness would go away. It didn’t. While pregnant, I would read others’ blogs and would be so happy for them when they’d finally get their BFPs. However, if a person wasn’t infertile and I heard of their pregnancy, I would feel those old feelings of jealousy creep up. What in the world was wrong with me? There I would be, with the grand prize kicking up a storm in my uterus, and I was still hung up on other people’s easily acquired pregnancies. These are not my proudest memories of myself.
Even after my son was born, I couldn’t shake those feelings of jealousy and bitterness. I wondered if I was always going to feel this way, even after we were done building our family. And then… then my younger sister had a surprise pregnancy. The woman who birthed two children in less time than it took me to get pregnant with ONE was pregnant again and standing in front of me in tears (holding her 8.5 month old daughter at the time). Really? REALLY?? How could this be happening to ME?
And that’s when the bitterness ended. Her pregnancy wasn’t about ME. Her fertility had nothing to do with my infertility (I believe it was my mother who actually said that to me). She didn’t get pregnant AT ME. She got pregnant. End of story. I used to always say, “I see no humor in, and have no sympathy for, people who accidentally get pregnant.” That all changed when my baby sister had an unexpected pregnancy and was worried about what it would do to her relationship with her current baby. I got to hear about all the things that this pregnancy was going to rock and I realized that as much as I wish I could accidentally get pregnant, that it could be a pretty hard thing to deal with if it actually happened. (My sister is just fine now – and very excited about her new baby due next month!)
I was over the hump.
But was I? I have always thought about blogging, because it’s important to me to track my experiences as a mother and a wife, and most importantly, as a member of this wonderful team that I am privileged to call my family. But I never started a blog because I wasn’t sure where I fit in. I certainly wasn’t still in the trenches of IF (even though I’ll likely be in them again soon), but I also wasn’t one of those new mothers who is lucky enough to think that baby-making and family building is all flowers and sunshine. So I just dreamt of blogging and never did it. Until now.
There is a new blogroll/community called PAIL – which stands for “Pregnant or Parenting After Infertility and/or Loss.” Ahhhh… a place where I fit in! It’s amazing how quickly the blogroll grew and how easy it is for me to now find others with similar experiences. I think I’m going to enjoy it a lot!
So here I am – writing my thoughts and experiences on the internet.
And I think I’m finally over the hump!