It’s funny. Since writing this post two weeks ago, I’ve felt a tremendous amount of relief. Every day, I think to myself, “we made the right decision.”
I think that I was putting so much pressure on myself to want another baby, that I couldn’t step back and look at things rationally. Hottie and I wonder if our desire for a third was all due to us having embryos in the freezer. That is where Bryson came from, after all. We often referred to those embryos as siblings for our boys, rather than potential siblings. Talk about pressure!
I’ve come to realize that if we could have had babies naturally, that we probably would have chosen to stop after two children. Of course we’ll never know for sure what we would have done, but I truly think that we wouldn’t have even considered a third. Before we started trying to have kids, we were pretty settled on having just one child. That all changed after we were told we couldn’t have any kids without lots of help and science. Upon hearing that, I immediately knew I’d be happy (and LUCKY!) with one baby, but I also knew that I’d like to have two.
Never once did I think of having three kids, until, of course, we were successful on our first FET for Bryson (we were shocked). Then we started talking about those 5 embryos that we never thought would remain after an FET – we truly thought that we’d likely go through them all trying to get Bryson. Surprise! And with that pleasant surprise, we had a new conundrum in front of us. The easy answer was, “we’ll try for a third!” I think it was much easier to want a third baby than to figure out what to do with those frozen embryos.
Now, with two healthy kids and the fact that a third pregnancy would be treated as high-risk and could possibly be life-threatening, I’ve seen what everyone else has seen and I’ve come to the same conclusion that others, including Hottie, were hoping I’d come to. Hottie was on board with a third, but always said, “It’s just that we already have two boys who need their mother. I need to talk to Dr. H again about this before I’m comfortable.” I think he was like me – he wanted to want a third because that was easier than planning the alternative.
We’ll keep those five embryos for as long as we can. They are precious to us – they are all we have if we do decide to change our minds, or if we need to change our minds for medical reasons for one of our boys. I hadn’t really thought of that before and now, realizing that, I have much peace of mind keeping them right where they are.
A weight is lifted. Our family is complete. Our minds are made up. We are able to move on in a fabulous direction, no longer wondering how things will play out.
November 6, 2014 at 6:01 am
I’m so glad that you have found this peace. What a wonderful thing!
I also often think about the impact of another pregnancy and baby on the two kids I’m lucky enough to have. I had no doubt that it was worth it for #2, as I knew (that I at least firmly believe) that a sibling gives more than it takes. I wonder if the same is true of a third. I like to think so, but of course that’s not considering serious medical issues… I guess I’m trying to say that I understand. 100%.
November 9, 2014 at 10:34 pm
Yes to all of this. So many people have three kids who all get along, are healthy, etc., but I know that doesn’t happen to everyone. Heck, my own older sister and I did not get along for most of our tween and teen years, but my little sister and I were and still are best buds. If my parents had stopped at me, I would not have a strong sibling friendship. So I guess I’m saying it’s all a crap shoot based on personalities and similarities… and on not the number of kids. But I choose to believe that my two boys will be best friends forever!
November 6, 2014 at 4:23 pm
I am so happy for you finding that elusive peace. it is very difficult when you don’t get to make that decision on your own so I am glad that you can. It’s also nice to have a few spares just.in.case x
November 9, 2014 at 10:42 pm
Yes – Just.In.Case. You never know…
I sort of feel that no matter what, we haven’t made the decision on our own… because we’ve had to think about existing embryos that we wouldn’t need to think about had we been able to get pregnant naturally. But yes, it’s nice to have found peace in all of this. For now. Hottie doesn’t want me getting my tubes tied for quite a while.
November 7, 2014 at 10:00 am
I completely understand wanting to hang onto those embryos just in case (you change your mind for whatever reason), but I’m wondering if y’all have talked at all about embryo donation? As someone who (hopefully won’t have to, but…) may be looking into donor eggs or embryos due to diminished ovarian reserve (at 34), I’m curious about the couples who do/don’t choose to donate embryos they don’t intend to use for further family building…
November 7, 2014 at 12:04 pm
That is something we considered in the past, and have selected in the event of our death. For now, while we’re alive 😁, we’re not comfortable with that but have said we could be once we’re past child-bearing ages.
I want so badly to say, “yeah, here you go!” But I just can’t right now, knowing that we’ll never do another fresh cycle again.
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November 7, 2014 at 10:07 pm
I hope to get to this place of peace someday. I’m glad you’re there!
November 9, 2014 at 10:42 pm
Thank you. I hope you get there too. I think you will… in one way or another.