It’s funny. Since writing this post two weeks ago, I’ve felt a tremendous amount of relief. Every day, I think to myself, “we made the right decision.”
I think that I was putting so much pressure on myself to want another baby, that I couldn’t step back and look at things rationally. Hottie and I wonder if our desire for a third was all due to us having embryos in the freezer. That is where Bryson came from, after all. We often referred to those embryos as siblings for our boys, rather than potential siblings. Talk about pressure!
I’ve come to realize that if we could have had babies naturally, that we probably would have chosen to stop after two children. Of course we’ll never know for sure what we would have done, but I truly think that we wouldn’t have even considered a third. Before we started trying to have kids, we were pretty settled on having just one child. That all changed after we were told we couldn’t have any kids without lots of help and science. Upon hearing that, I immediately knew I’d be happy (and LUCKY!) with one baby, but I also knew that I’d like to have two.
Never once did I think of having three kids, until, of course, we were successful on our first FET for Bryson (we were shocked). Then we started talking about those 5 embryos that we never thought would remain after an FET – we truly thought that we’d likely go through them all trying to get Bryson. Surprise! And with that pleasant surprise, we had a new conundrum in front of us. The easy answer was, “we’ll try for a third!” I think it was much easier to want a third baby than to figure out what to do with those frozen embryos.
Now, with two healthy kids and the fact that a third pregnancy would be treated as high-risk and could possibly be life-threatening, I’ve seen what everyone else has seen and I’ve come to the same conclusion that others, including Hottie, were hoping I’d come to. Hottie was on board with a third, but always said, “It’s just that we already have two boys who need their mother. I need to talk to Dr. H again about this before I’m comfortable.” I think he was like me – he wanted to want a third because that was easier than planning the alternative.
We’ll keep those five embryos for as long as we can. They are precious to us – they are all we have if we do decide to change our minds, or if we need to change our minds for medical reasons for one of our boys. I hadn’t really thought of that before and now, realizing that, I have much peace of mind keeping them right where they are.
A weight is lifted. Our family is complete. Our minds are made up. We are able to move on in a fabulous direction, no longer wondering how things will play out.