All the Sun For You

A mom, two boys, a husband, and a whole lot of adventure!

This Year


It’s 2014… And this coming fall and winter, we think we’ll start an FET for baby #3. It just feels weird saying and writing that. “We’ll be trying again this year.” THIS YEAR. I sort of dreaded the turn of the year for this very reason.

I hate how I feel when I cycle – the anxiety, the uncertainty, the hormones, the hope. Our last cycle went perfectly and left us 5 frozen embryos. Will those 5 give us a baby? I don’t know. I do know, though, that those are our last embryos – there will be no more fresh cycles for this lady. That feels both good and bad. It feels good knowing I’ll never stim again, but it feels bad knowing that those 5 embryos are our only chance at another baby.

I did something weird today – I pulled out my BFP sticks from my pregnancies with the boys. I kept just the ones taken on 10/19 for each of the boys, and the first one from Bryson’s pregnancy. I got all of those same giddy feelings looking at that BFP from 4dp5dt in 2012. I twisted it in the light, squinting at that very faint line, smiling from ear to ear. I did that several times, as if I was seeing that BFP for the first time.

It was weird.

It felt GOOD.

It felt scary.

It felt hopeful.

Author: Courtney

Hi, there, I’m Courtney. I never planned to stay home with my kids, but I got sucked into motherhood when my first baby came into our lives after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. His brother followed closely behind, something we didn’t plan on after having such a rough road with achieving parenthood the first time around. My boys are IVF cycle twins, conceived on the same day but born two years and one day apart (they were both transferred on the same day in October, but with two years between them). My boys are the best of friends and my husband is a terrific husband, father, and most importantly… friend. He fully supported my desire to stay home (“I just wanted it to be your idea and not mine, I totally want you to stay home and raise our kids!”) and encourages me in everything I do. I am a lover of projects, spreadsheets, fitness, healthy cooking and eating, crafts, selling my stuff on FB (HA!), and the outdoors. If I’m active, I’m pretty darn happy!

7 thoughts on “This Year

  1. Oh I so hear you. I still have all the sticks from Cavan’s pregnancy, but I got rid of all the ones from Raegan’s. I have pictures though…lots and lots of pictures that I look at regularly and think how lucky I am to have what I do. I still have 2 embryos left, one FET as they are frozen together. I have NO idea when that will happen. But it will and I like you know those are my last embryos. Definitely no more fresh cycles. I am done after that last FET. Good luck….hard to believe it was 2012 when you got the BFP for Bryson….seems like it was just yesterday 😀

  2. So exciting that you’ll be trying again this year. Kind of hard to wrap my head around, actually. 😉 I can only imagine what it’s like for you! I hope you get more positive pee sticks to ass to your collections.

  3. Eeeek!! This year!! I am excited for you to be entering (I know a few months away still) this final stage in your family building and really really hope one of those little 5 are the final addition to your family. I know what you mean about pulling out the old BFPs. I have them tucked at the back of my underwear drawer and sometimes pull them out just to smile, thinking of that moment. Okay, since I am pregnant now, I do that in disbelief that this is happening NOW. But I also used to do it in the past year while TTC #2, looking at Lids’ BFP and remembering that very first time I saw a BFP on the stick. The disbelief, the shock, the excitement like no other.

  4. Very exciting Courtney! Seeing that BFP is like nothing else, I hope your last cycle will be successful and smooth. 2014 will be a good year!

  5. Sometimes I forget that you guys are going to try for more kids! This is exciting news!! I will live vicariously through you and everyone else who get BFPs this year and hope my ovaries don’t explode with jealousy. 🙂

  6. holy crap! this year. that is crazy to think about. I am right there with you on this mixture of emotions. We have one frozen embryo to transfer and then we are done with ART. It probably won’t happen until 2015 for us though, I’m thinking when K is 17-18 months. Good luck to you!!!

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