So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I want our family to look when we’re all done building it. It’s no secret – we still have 5 embryos in the freezer and we really want to give them a chance. At this point, we’re thinking we want 3 children. But then I wonder – do we REALLY want 3 kids, or is it because that’s the potential due to our frosties? If we didn’t have those frosties, how many children would we have had? How many children would we have seen ourselves with?
Before we found out we were infertile, we both said we’d be happy with just 1 child. ONE! Then we were told we couldn’t have any children and the floodgate of emotions were opened and I started to think about the things I never really knew I wanted – like the amount of kids I wanted. At the time, I was feeling very cheated because, “what if we want 2? Then what?” We didn’t even have 1 yet, and I was feeling cheated by infertility because it felt like it was taking away my choices to have more than 1 child.
We were at a holiday party last night and a close “couple friend” said that 2 children didn’t feel like enough for them, but that 3 feels like too many. She wasn’t complaining – she was just stating the exponential addition of work when you go from 2 to 3 children (I hear this a lot and understand!). That comment made me pause and wonder, “will 2 not feel like enough for us?”
I can already say that 2 doesn’t feel like enough – and we’re not even there yet. I see us with 3 children – I just do. How did I go from seeing us with ONE to seeing us with THREE? How did THAT happen?
Again, is it because we have 5 frozen embryos that we moved heaven and earth for? Have I just folded the idea of one of them into my vision of our family?
This all makes me very nervous for our future – and not in the way that fertiles would think. I’m not nervous about providing for 3 children, or having enough time for 3 children, or having enough time for B with 3 children. What I worry about is this – am I setting myself up for complete devastation if one of those 5 embryos doesn’t turn into my third child?
I have convinced my head that a third child would be “gravy,” that it would be the cherry on our sundae, that if it doesn’t pan out, that I’d be OK with that. But would I? I know that I will never stim again – I know that we will never EVER do another fresh cycle. If none of those frosties turns into our third child – then we will be a family of 4.
A family of 4 is great – but is it enough for us? Is it what we truly want? Or do we want a family of 5 because we have the potential for it?
I guess we won’t know until the time comes to start working on #3 (we will NOT be doing a transfer again on October 12 – HA!) – but I wonder. I wonder a lot. I wonder all the time.
What do we really WANT, and will IF, ultimately, decide what we GET?